I lost my mother on Feb 3, 2011

[Marquette]

My mother, Carrie, was 66. She had been an alcoholic for years. in 2007 she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. she had been diagnosed with emphasemia long before that. In March of 08 her sodium levels plumeted to dangerously low levels partly due to her mass reduction in salt intake, the doc she had not checking her sodium levels, and because she binge drank still. She almost died then, but I got her help in time. (and not without a struggle, let me tell you.. Long story) When she finally got out of the hospital, she did not touch a drop of alcohol again for almost two years..

Which leads to recently. Her doc told her to either quit smoking or she would be on oxygen before the year was out. Patches and gum didn't work for her so she asked for chantix, hearing how it had helped so many quit. It made her sick as hell, but she didn't smoke but maybe three ciggs a day. Well she had run out and so went back to smoking for the last couple of months. a week ago she got her chantix prescription renewed and had just got it wednesday. Also during the last week, her doc had gotten some bloodwork back that showed something about her blood platlates being sticky (?) and was a precursor to her ending up with clogged arteries. She had made the comment "I didn't have to worry about this when I drank. Alcohol keeps your arteries clear, at least. " I laughed. She was talking about getting some red wine and having one glass a day, and we talked about how we have always heard red wine was good for you. Just look at the italians!

I should have known something was more wrong than what I thought thursday morning... it was before sunrise, well before, she came into mine and my fiance's room (my mother had lived with me since feb or march of 99) and was looking around. it woke me up. to me it seemed she didn't know what she was doing.. I asked her what she was looking for, she said she didn't know, just looking. I know some of the meds she was on would make her so tired she seemed out of it.. I told her to go back to bed.. (lol) and she did so I thought.

After I got up that morning, it seemed she felt bad. I asked after her, and she said she had gotten her chantix prescription and had taken it. It seemed the reason she acted like she was sick. It always made her sick. That stuff worked, but was horrible in my opinion.. but her desire to not smoke outweighed the way it made her feel I guess.

it wasn't till after Sam (my fiance) woke up that we realized she had been out to the store, WALKED mind you, with snow on the ground and had fallen apparently cause she was limping, and got a 12 pack of beer. (or another 6 pack, we thing now). She was a bit drunk, and I new the chantix didn't make her feel good.. but I swear to you it never 'clicked' that she had taken the two together. I had thought at the time she had said it was the chantix so I woudln't know she had been drinking.

Sam and I had left to go run and errand and come back. She was sitting on the couch, kinda sedate, but seemed ok otherwise. She said she wanted me to trim her hair for her, and I said I would later when she was ready. She talked to sam about his daughter a bit.. (unruly teenager.. ). She asked me if I would clean the litter box in her room and I told her I'd have to go get more litter in a bit. Well Sam wanted to go get some, like 10 min after she asked. We had really just got home and I didn't want to get out in the cold again so soon. But he said he also wanted to go to a thrift store and look at some stuff. I didn't really want to but I went anyway. My mother was still sitting on the couch and I told her we would be back in a few.

We were at the thriftstore a few minutes when his daughter called saying my mother had passed out at the kitchen table. Now I remember when my mother drank before, she could get really nasty if you messed with her sometimes. I didn't want shelbi to have to deal with that if she was cranky. I told shelbi we'd be home in a few, to not bother her, that I would get her over to the couch when we got home. I'm such an idiot.

we got home about 20 to 30 minutes later, and sure enough, she was out cold at the table. I could see her from the front door. I just went over and got the couch ready, then walked over to her and started rubbing her back and calling her name.. she didn't wake so I patted her back. She still didn't wake up, and I noticed her hands were a bluish color. I looked over her, and saw that she was literally almost face down on the table. I raised her up and she was gone. She had no pulse, wasn't breathing.. her face was blue... I yelled for sam to call 911 and had shelbi help me get her to the floor where I did cpr. But I knew.. I knew she was gone. In the back of my mind I knew.. and I cursed myself for leaving the house again.. because if I had been home, I could have seen she was in trouble and could have gotten her help.

the paramedics worked on her here, then took her on to the hospital where they worked on her too, but told me she had passed away.. that they got no response from anything they did. Now the ME is 'taking a look at her' to determine the exact cause of death. I'm afraid it will be something I could have stopped had I just been home. I should never have left. I should have 'snapped to' and made the connection to the fact that she was drinking while on chantix and possibly her other normal meds too. I had thought she was just passed out from drinking when shelbi called, but...

I'm devastated. I have cried.. I blame myself. I have periods where I don't cry at all. I know she is gone, but I still leave everything of hers the way it was thursday before I lost her. Its not like I think she is coming back, yet somehow I can't bring myself to move anything... its like I want it all where she left it for.......... for what? When she comes home? She isn't. But its familiar and comfortable. Its part of her, that was always in my life.

I cannot believe this is happening.. its one long nightmare, and I know I will not wake up from it. Sam has been golden to me. But now I'm scared that in my grief, he will get sick of the crying, the anger, the numbness... the depression and leave me, or worse, something will happen to him next.

My mother was the only family I had left. If not for sam, I think I likely would have followed my mother to the grave.

Please, someone talk to me. I'm kinda out of it. I feel so alone and so scared. She was my rock, my anchor, my emotional pillow and my greatest confidante. If I had known that it was the last time I'd have gotten to say anything to her thursday when we left for the thriftstore, I would have told her I loved her. I have spent the last two years being paranoid beyond reason that something was going to happen to her.. and even after shelbi called me, even when i started to think something was wrong, I tried to remember all the times when I did that (and it was an everyday thing) and she was just fine.. that I was just overreacting. Now I feel so horrible. I feel like I let her down.

If anyone wants to talk to me, my yahoo ID is SansaRonas@yahoo.com, and my email is dreamerinthestars@gmail.com.

I eat.. but I feel guilty for it. I still do a lot of what I did before on the pc and stuff, but feel like I'm a horrible person for it. Like I should be crying more, and not wanting to be online, or watching tv, like I should not want to eat. whats wrong with me???

[ModKonnie]

My mother, Carrie, was 66. She had been an alcoholic for years. in 2007 she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. she had been diagnosed with emphasemia long before that. In March of 08 her sodium levels plumeted to dangerously low levels partly due to her mass reduction in salt intake, the doc she had not checking her sodium levels, and because she binge drank still. She almost died then, but I got her help in time. (and not without a struggle, let me tell you.. Long story) When she finally got out of the hospital, she did not touch a drop of alcohol again for almost two years..

Which leads to recently. Her doc told her to either quit smoking or she would be on oxygen before the year was out. Patches and gum didn't work for her so she asked for chantix, hearing how it had helped so many quit. It made her sick as hell, but she didn't smoke but maybe three ciggs a day. Well she had run out and so went back to smoking for the last couple of months. a week ago she got her chantix prescription renewed and had just got it wednesday. Also during the last week, her doc had gotten some bloodwork back that showed something about her blood platlates being sticky (?) and was a precursor to her ending up with clogged arteries. She had made the comment "I didn't have to worry about this when I drank. Alcohol keeps your arteries clear, at least. " I laughed. She was talking about getting some red wine and having one glass a day, and we talked about how we have always heard red wine was good for you. Just look at the italians!

I should have known something was more wrong than what I thought thursday morning... it was before sunrise, well before, she came into mine and my fiance's room (my mother had lived with me since feb or march of 99) and was looking around. it woke me up. to me it seemed she didn't know what she was doing.. I asked her what she was looking for, she said she didn't know, just looking. I know some of the meds she was on would make her so tired she seemed out of it.. I told her to go back to bed.. (lol) and she did so I thought.

After I got up that morning, it seemed she felt bad. I asked after her, and she said she had gotten her chantix prescription and had taken it. It seemed the reason she acted like she was sick. It always made her sick. That stuff worked, but was horrible in my opinion.. but her desire to not smoke outweighed the way it made her feel I guess.

it wasn't till after Sam (my fiance) woke up that we realized she had been out to the store, WALKED mind you, with snow on the ground and had fallen apparently cause she was limping, and got a 12 pack of beer. (or another 6 pack, we thing now). She was a bit drunk, and I new the chantix didn't make her feel good.. but I swear to you it never 'clicked' that she had taken the two together. I had thought at the time she had said it was the chantix so I woudln't know she had been drinking.

Sam and I had left to go run and errand and come back. She was sitting on the couch, kinda sedate, but seemed ok otherwise. She said she wanted me to trim her hair for her, and I said I would later when she was ready. She talked to sam about his daughter a bit.. (unruly teenager.. ). She asked me if I would clean the litter box in her room and I told her I'd have to go get more litter in a bit. Well Sam wanted to go get some, like 10 min after she asked. We had really just got home and I didn't want to get out in the cold again so soon. But he said he also wanted to go to a thrift store and look at some stuff. I didn't really want to but I went anyway. My mother was still sitting on the couch and I told her we would be back in a few.

We were at the thriftstore a few minutes when his daughter called saying my mother had passed out at the kitchen table. Now I remember when my mother drank before, she could get really nasty if you messed with her sometimes. I didn't want shelbi to have to deal with that if she was cranky. I told shelbi we'd be home in a few, to not bother her, that I would get her over to the couch when we got home. I'm such an idiot.

we got home about 20 to 30 minutes later, and sure enough, she was out cold at the table. I could see her from the front door. I just went over and got the couch ready, then walked over to her and started rubbing her back and calling her name.. she didn't wake so I patted her back. She still didn't wake up, and I noticed her hands were a bluish color. I looked over her, and saw that she was literally almost face down on the table. I raised her up and she was gone. She had no pulse, wasn't breathing.. her face was blue... I yelled for sam to call 911 and had shelbi help me get her to the floor where I did cpr. But I knew.. I knew she was gone. In the back of my mind I knew.. and I cursed myself for leaving the house again.. because if I had been home, I could have seen she was in trouble and could have gotten her help.

the paramedics worked on her here, then took her on to the hospital where they worked on her too, but told me she had passed away.. that they got no response from anything they did. Now the ME is 'taking a look at her' to determine the exact cause of death. I'm afraid it will be something I could have stopped had I just been home. I should never have left. I should have 'snapped to' and made the connection to the fact that she was drinking while on chantix and possibly her other normal meds too. I had thought she was just passed out from drinking when shelbi called, but...

I'm devastated. I have cried.. I blame myself. I have periods where I don't cry at all. I know she is gone, but I still leave everything of hers the way it was thursday before I lost her. Its not like I think she is coming back, yet somehow I can't bring myself to move anything... its like I want it all where she left it for.......... for what? When she comes home? She isn't. But its familiar and comfortable. Its part of her, that was always in my life.

I cannot believe this is happening.. its one long nightmare, and I know I will not wake up from it. Sam has been golden to me. But now I'm scared that in my grief, he will get sick of the crying, the anger, the numbness... the depression and leave me, or worse, something will happen to him next.

My mother was the only family I had left. If not for sam, I think I likely would have followed my mother to the grave.

Please, someone talk to me. I'm kinda out of it. I feel so alone and so scared. She was my rock, my anchor, my emotional pillow and my greatest confidante. If I had known that it was the last time I'd have gotten to say anything to her thursday when we left for the thriftstore, I would have told her I loved her. I have spent the last two years being paranoid beyond reason that something was going to happen to her.. and even after shelbi called me, even when i started to think something was wrong, I tried to remember all the times when I did that (and it was an everyday thing) and she was just fine.. that I was just overreacting. Now I feel so horrible. I feel like I let her down.

If anyone wants to talk to me, my yahoo ID is SansaRonas@yahoo.com, and my email is dreamerinthestars@gmail.com.

I eat.. but I feel guilty for it. I still do a lot of what I did before on the pc and stuff, but feel like I'm a horrible person for it. Like I should be crying more, and not wanting to be online, or watching tv, like I should not want to eat. whats wrong with me???

Hi,

I want to first say I am very sorry about the loss of your mom, Carrie. It seems like a very horrible tragedy, but you cannot blame yourself. None of this was your fault. Unfortunately, people pass away from mixing meds and accidentally creating a dangerous combination. But, that may have not been the problem. She may have had something else wrong, and what happened was going to happen, regardless of whether you were there or not.

Guilt, anger, sadness are all part of the grieving process. People react in many different ways when their loved ones pass on. You may experience the crying part later, or you may never experience it.

There is nothing wrong with you moving forward with your life a little at a time. We all have to do that, and it's okay. Your mom would want you to do that.

If you need to talk, we will be here waiting for you.

ModKonnie

[agnaq111809]

Hi,

I want to first say I am very sorry about the loss of your mom, Carrie. It seems like a very horrible tragedy, but you cannot blame yourself. None of this was your fault. Unfortunately, people pass away from mixing meds and accidentally creating a dangerous combination. But, that may have not been the problem. She may have had something else wrong, and what happened was going to happen, regardless of whether you were there or not.

Guilt, anger, sadness are all part of the grieving process. People react in many different ways when their loved ones pass on. You may experience the crying part later, or you may never experience it.

There is nothing wrong with you moving forward with your life a little at a time. We all have to do that, and it's okay. Your mom would want you to do that.

If you need to talk, we will be here waiting for you.

ModKonnie

Hi,

I'm not sure if this will go through as the format is new to me. I am so sorry about the loss of your momma. I lost my mom November 18, 2009 to lung cancer. We found out about it about Oct. 11, 2009, just a month before. She was 81 and yet didn't act 81. She was my mother as well as 'father'. My father was lost to the Arctic Ocean a month before I was born. So I never knew him.

It's been 15 months now since my momma passed away. I miss her. The first few months were hard. I would go cry at her grave and holler to the wind. Then I'd calm down and go home. I have resolved and accepted her passing by the Grace of God and answered prayers. I had couple dreams that answered my worries about my mom. Since I had them, I am at peace. I know that she is o.k.

I am a Christian. I know that there's a Heaven and Hell. I am working on my faith, to believe that I hope to see my mom again some day. I have heard that once they pass on, they don't look back. However, my mom's spirit was with me and still is. It's a presence that'll stay with me till I leave this earth. It's a good feeling, to know that she never left me spiritually. I think that's what going to help you, to know that your mom is still with you and will never leave you. For our mother's bore us, made us, fed us, nurtured us, and loved us very much even if they didn't say it all the time. Thank God for His Great Mercy and Grace each and every day. God be with You and Your love ones.