Loss of wonderful husband and best friend

[brynel]

I lost my 41-year-old husband to a sudden cardiac arrest 6 weeks ago. We were planning a trip to our hometown for Christmas and suddenly there was nothing. He died in my arms. I have a 13-year-old daughter who misses her doting daddy everyday. I am quite an introvert and my husband was the only person who i used to have endless chats with. He was my father figure..guide..best friend..lover..everything. One day i find myself thinking rationally and telling myself i need to be strong and the very next day im a sobbing mess on the floor. I feel like im a walking corpse. People around mean well but say the most insensitive things that i dont need to hear. They havent faced this loss and so cant possibly mean it when they say "i know what u r going thru". Im here to get some ounce of strength from all the others who r here for the same reason. God bless.

 

Sent from my vivo 1802 using Tapatalk

 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I went through it 13 1/2 years ago only my husband had just turned 51.  I didn't even meet him until our forties.

This has been the single hardest thing I've been through in my life, and that says a lot.  I didn't know where to start, and it was a grief forum like this that saved me, I couldn't have known where to start, what to do, how to handle this otherwise.  I thank God for this place.

Everything you are saying, we've been through it, to the emotions, people saying stupid things, it's so hard.  I wrote this article at about ten years out, from what has helped me, everyone's journey is unique but some commonalities too.  I hope you'll keep it and read it every few months to see if anything else stands out to you because this is a journey that is ever evolving and we go through ups ad downs on it.  Hang in there, we'll be here to go through this with you if you want us to.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[loveboo]

10 hours ago, brynel said:

People around mean well but say the most insensitive things that i dont need to hear.

I've gotten used to saying "thank you" and just ignoring what people who don't understand grief say to me.  I try to give them a little slack.  I honestly do not know what to say to any one of us here either sometimes.

But we wouldn't hurt this bad if the relationships we had weren't special.  If it wasn't love.  We wouldn't feel this sad if we didn't lose something beautiful and happy.  While we didn't think of it when we started our relationships with our loved ones, there was always going to be a cost as we're mere mortals.  I regret that I just assumed my wife and I would have more time together.  Both of us were expecting to grow old together.  I have so many regrets now about not doing more when she was with me.

You and I were reminded that this was never going to last forever way too early.

The tidal waves of pain will come and go.  You'll have "good" days where you can manage and you'll have days of despair.  As I used to tell my wife, it's okay to take things one thing at a time.  It'll be hard for us but we don't really have a choice because of our daughters.

[brynel]

@loveboo..u said it right abt the growing old together part...we always spoke about it. And yes it hurts more becoz we loved and love that way and its crazy coz when he was around i had no idea i wud be 'this' broken..this shattered..this weak (considering i always thot of myself as a strong practical individual). But this shocked me. This ache that seems to have made a permanent place in my life. But like u..i have to look to my little girl whenever i find myself sinking..and pull myself up...your wife will be proud of u..when she looks down on u taking care of ur little girl...its going to be a tough journey..i am around whenever u need to share anything...god bless

Sent from my vivo 1802 using Tapatalk

[KayC]

You were talking about insensitive things people have said, it reminded me, a while back we had a thread going about that...I'll post one article I found on it, but the formatting is messed up so I redid it and will include the link for credit.

What Is Not Helpful to the Person in Mourning: A List of "Don’ts"

Be aware of what is not helpful to the person in mourning.   Do not: ·        Expect your friend to mourn or heal in certain ways or within a certain time frame. ·        Deliberately avoid the subject of death, change the subject, or act as if nothing has happened. ·        Talk about your own losses, especially early on; this shifts the attention onto you. ·        Use judgmental words like “should” and “shouldn’t.” ·        Begin a sentence with the words “At least . . .” ·        Offer unsolicited advice. ·        Compare one loss with another, or offer judgments about which loss was worse. ·        Take it personally if your friend rebuffs your invitations.  Try again another day, and realize that grief requires being left alone at times.  The mourner needs some time to turn inward, to ponder the deeper meaning of life and death. ·        Try to change what your friend is thinking or feeling. ·        Talk down to the person, in a patronizing way, as if you are the expert. ·        Try to fill up every moment with conversation.  Become comfortable with silence. ·        Ignore warning signs of self-destructive behavior: alcohol, drugs, depression, suicide. Confront the person directly, or organize an intervention with family and friends. ·        Wait for your friend to initiate contact (i.e., call, write or visit). ·        Wait until tomorrow or make promises you cannot (or will not) keep.  Follow through with whatever you have planned or promised. ·        Wait to be asked; this places the burden on the mourner. ·        Expect gratitude for your efforts.  A person in pain is focused inward and self- absorbed, with little room for gratitude.  If you offer help, make sure that it is wanted, and don’t feel hurt or rejected if it is not. ·        Push or expect the mourner to sort through and distribute a loved one’s things. ·        Take away the mourner’s autonomy by doing too much for her or making major decisions that rightfully belong to her. ·        Expect the mourner to begin to reenter social life on other than his/her own time frame. ·        Try to rescue someone from her regrets; she needs time to sort them out, until she is eventually able to forgive herself. ·        Force food on the person if he is not interested in eating. ·        Expect the mourner to be over it within weeks, months or even years. ·        Try to do everything by yourself, or try to fix everything.

Copyright © by Martha M. Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC    All rights reserved

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm

[beaniele]

I am so sorry, I went through it 13 1/2 years ago only my husband had just turned 51.  I didn't even meet him until our forties.
This has been the single hardest thing I've been through in my life, and that says a lot.  I didn't know where to start, and it was a grief forum like this that saved me, I couldn't have known where to start, what to do, how to handle this otherwise.  I thank God for this place.
Everything you are saying, we've been through it, to the emotions, people saying stupid things, it's so hard.  I wrote this article at about ten years out, from what has helped me, everyone's journey is unique but some commonalities too.  I hope you'll keep it and read it every few months to see if anything else stands out to you because this is a journey that is ever evolving and we go through ups ad downs on it.  Hang in there, we'll be here to go through this with you if you want us to.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.
 

Your words are so true. I lost my husband of 38 years, suddenly, on Nov 16, 2018.

I am so lost without him. My heart is just broken.

Linda

[beaniele]

I lost my 41-year-old husband to a sudden cardiac arrest 6 weeks ago. We were planning a trip to our hometown for Christmas and suddenly there was nothing. He died in my arms. I have a 13-year-old daughter who misses her doting daddy everyday. I am quite an introvert and my husband was the only person who i used to have endless chats with. He was my father figure..guide..best friend..lover..everything. One day i find myself thinking rationally and telling myself i need to be strong and the very next day im a sobbing mess on the floor. I feel like im a walking corpse. People around mean well but say the most insensitive things that i dont need to hear. They havent faced this loss and so cant possibly mean it when they say "i know what u r going thru". Im here to get some ounce of strength from all the others who r here for the same reason. God bless.
 
Sent from my vivo 1802 using Tapatalk
 
 

I am so sorry for your loss. I joined this group to help me with my grief and I hope there are words here that can help you, as well as myself.

Linda

[SSC]

I lost my husband suddenly as well almost 3 months ago.  We had been together for 35 years.  I married him when I was very young.  We practically raised each other.  The loss is beyond difficult.  Constantly crying and in total disbelief.   I find the adjustment of being alone insignificant compared to my sadness of never seeing him again or not knowing if he is okay and happy.  I worry about him and his well being.  I know that sounds bizarre, I must be in denial that he’s really gone for good. I have pictures of him all around my house and I speak to him all the time.  I choose to believe that he is “around” just not in bodily form.  KayC has posted how she has managed to keep a relationship with her husband alive for over 13 years.  She lost him about the same age as my husband and myself.  I know if she can do it, so can I.  This isn’t what I imagined my future to look like, but I never wanted to spend the rest of my life without him.  I’ll take what I can get.  I’ll keep him with me and alive the best I can. 

[beaniele]

I lost my husband suddenly as well almost 3 months ago.  We had been together for 35 years.  I married him when I was very young.  We practically raised each other.  The loss is beyond difficult.  Constantly crying and in total disbelief.   I find the adjustment of being alone insignificant compared to my sadness of never seeing him again or not knowing if he is okay and happy.  I worry about him and his well being.  I know that sounds bizarre, I must be in denial that he’s really gone for good. I have pictures of him all around my house and I speak to him all the time.  I choose to believe that he is “around” just not in bodily form.  KayC has posted how she has managed to keep a relationship with her husband alive for over 13 years.  She lost him about the same age as my husband and myself.  I know if she can do it, so can I.  This isn’t what I imagined my future to look like, but I never wanted to spend the rest of my life without him.  I’ll take what I can get.  I’ll keep him with me and alive the best I can. 

My feelings are exactly like what you wrote and the experience a lot the same.. Today has been especially hard, crying so much and not even sure why today. I worry about him and since he had cardic arrest at home it is just a memory that I can not ...not sure of the words.

I have a good grief therapist and I am on medication bit some days nothing helps.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Linda

[SSC]

@beaniele

I am so sorry for your loss as well.  I too am on medication and have an amazing grief counselor.  My husband passed away in our home as well.  

I have bad days, really bad days, and some okay days.  My okay days tend to be when I’m at work.  I’m able to put on my fake face and manage to make it through most of the day before cracking.  When I make it to my car to drive home is when I usually come apart, Crying and talking to my husband. I can only imagine what people Must think when they see me...but I really don’t care.  Nothing matters anymore.

[beaniele]

[mention=412442]beaniele[/mention]
I am so sorry for your loss as well.  I too am on medication and have an amazing grief counselor.  My husband passed away in our home as well.  
I have bad days, really bad days, and some okay days.  My okay days tend to be when I’m at work.  I’m able to put on my fake face and manage to make it through most of the day before cracking.  When I make it to my car to drive home is when I usually come apart, Crying and talking to my husband. I can only imagine what people Must think when they see me...but I really don’t care.  Nothing matters anymore.

My days are about the way you describe. I had a couple ok days last week. When my sister is here I am better but she had to go home and back to work and I am back where I started.

This is a nightmare that just does not go away.

Linda

[KayC]

19 hours ago, beaniele said:

Your words are so true. I lost my husband of 38 years, suddenly, on Nov 16, 2018.

I am so lost without him. My heart is just broken.

Linda
 

Linda, 

Welcome here, I am so sorry for your loss.  I want you to know there is life after, but it takes so much time and effort to get there, and of course, it is never the same as it was "before".  I hope you'll continue to come here and read and post.  This is a caring family, each one experiencing their grief in the way that brings them some degree of comfort.  

I look forward to getting to know you better...

[beaniele]

Linda, 
Welcome here, I am so sorry for your loss.  I want you to know there is life after, but it takes so much time and effort to get there, and of course, it is never the same as it was "before".  I hope you'll continue to come here and read and post.  This is a caring family, each one experiencing their grief in the way that brings them some degree of comfort.  
I look forward to getting to know you better...

Thank you. I will continue to read and post. It helps to have a community that knows what you are going through and to help find comfort in the days and years to come.

Linda

[ModKatB]

I am so sorry for your loss. This is one journey none of us want to take but it is one we must now deal with. There are lots of others here that understand you are in pain and while each of us has different emotions, we still can relate to the roller coaster of feelings. I have found so many people here that have helped me with their kind words and the sharing of their stories. For myself one of the things that has helped is to start writing again, it gives me an outlet for the intense feelings that have taken over. This is one of the things I wrote about the beginning of this journey almost a year ago. 

 

 

A loved one got their angel wings and it has left a

big hole in my heart. So if I don't want to talk, please

allow me the silence. If I don't want to leave the house,

please allow me my solitude. If I strike out at you, please

allow me my anger. If all I can seem to do is cry, please

allow me my tears. It will take time for me to fill this

empty space left, so please be patient and let me

heal. One day the void that was left will be filled

                                                                                                     with happy memories and my heart be whole again. KB

 

This next one is something I wrote for New Years Day.  I call this one,  Looking Back Going Forward.

 

In the beginning I was standing where some of you are now.

Dazed, confused, angry, hurt and feeling so alone.

But like others I have taken a few steps forward.

Never forgetting why I am on this journey.

Never forgetting I lost the one person that made my life complete.

Now I am trying to remember day after day the things my husband and I did together.

Going thru the memories of laughter, happiness and all the precious moments of our love.

I am going forward knowing that even though his physical being is not here, his spirit watches over me.

There are so many wonderful things to remember about him and about us together as a couple.

No amount of time will erase the fact that he is gone from my life.

But that also means no amount of time can erase our wonderful years together.

There really is no right or wrong way to handle this emotional battle we are fighting, just do what works for you.

I hope others can understand that I am what I like to call a "work in progress" and there is still lots to be done.

Somewhere in the future I know that I will have days that feel like it is Day 1 all over again.

For today though, I want to take a walk down memory lane and try to start this year with a smile or two to go with my bucket of tears.

I hope all of us can find a little bit of hope and a reason to smile in this New Year. KB

 

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

 

[brynel]

KatB i cant begin to tell u how i loved what u wrote. It felt like those were absolutely all the words i wanted to say! You have a gift, really. Thank u for sharing this light.[emoji176]

Sent from my vivo 1802 using Tapatalk

[KayC]

She has published a book on Amazon with her poems.