Companion

[SSC]

In several threads others have discussed not wanting a new relationship, never remarrying, but seeking some form of companionship.  Getting a puppy was mentioned not as a replacement of our Loved One but more of a reason to survive.  My husband and I had to put down our 14 year old Yorkie in June.  Four months later I lost my husband.  We both missed our dog and I can see now how much the unconditional  love that they give would be a great blessing right now.

Others have expressed how they can’t ever see themselves in another relationship with someone.  I am of the same thought.  Right now I feel like it would be unfaithful to my husband.  Perhaps it’s because I’m probably in some form of denial.  I believe my husband is still near, just in spirit so in no way would I want to “be” with someone else.  I find myself looking for like minded people that are wanting friendship not a relationship. I joked with my friend at work that maybe it’s time for me to “switch teams” and it made me reflect on something.  @Brazil Man And @HPB I sympathize with your situation.  To cultivate any friendship with a woman there would be expectations that you really don’t want.  And hanging out with your guy friends tends to be just that..hanging out.  Is it possible to find an understanding, compassionate companion that doesn’t expect “more”?  Is that a fair thing to ask of someone?

[SSC]

And just now I begged off going to a friends house for dinner and cards because I feel so uncomfortable going alone when everyone else is with their significant other.  Its stupid.  Although I preferred to do things with my husband, I never had a problem doing things on my own.  All of the sudden I feel out of place.  

My neighbor lost his wife a few weeks ago.  He is 34 years older then me.  I’ve been over to see him, to give support and a shoulder to cry on. Up until this point our neighborly friendship has mostly been waving hello and checking out each other’s gardens.  Now all the sudden he’s kissing me on the cheek and mentioning trips and stuff.  I don’t know what to do.  Am I reading too much into this?

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, SSC said:

I never had a problem doing things on my own.  All of the sudden I feel out of place.  

You are in a different place.  I could not have worked myself into that situation so soon after my loss.  In time we learn when we need a nudge to do something in our newness, when we need to push ourselves into a newness and when we simply need to honor our grief and excuse ourselves from a situation.  There is a fine line in balancing this and knowing which way to move. You may do a push and be thankful you did a push.  You may do a push and regret that push.  Its all part of balancing out our grief.  It is processing our loss and learning how to begin to find our newness with our shattered heart and foundation.  I still find things I'm not yet pushing to do on my own realizing at the same time I may never do them again because it was simply an "us" thing to do.  That thought is heartbreaking. They become our memories.  In time with less pain.  I still feel pain and fear as I navigate through this newness.

1 hour ago, SSC said:

My neighbor lost his wife a few weeks ago.  He is 34 years older then me.  I’ve been over to see him, to give support and a shoulder to cry on. Up until this point our neighborly friendship has mostly been waving hello and checking out each other’s gardens.  Now all the sudden he’s kissing me on the cheek and mentioning trips and stuff.  I don’t know what to do.  Am I reading too much into this?

None of us know the history or the dynamics of this individual. We do not know his intentions.  If you are responding uncomfortably to this your gut is sending you a signal. Step back and listen to it. A gentle hug may be his sharing of his understanding of the pain that accompanies grief.  In our recent losses and even with our vulnerability we still need to set boundaries. You can be firm in defining what you are not comfortable with. This is where we begin again to learn our inner resources.  If he doesn't respect your boundaries you may want to consider going back to the neighboring wave. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, SSC said:

Now all the sudden he’s kissing me on the cheek and mentioning trips and stuff.  I don’t know what to do.  Am I reading too much into this?

If it makes you uncomfortable, it's perfectly okay to step back, setting boundaries as Sunflower said.  

When George died, all our friends disappeared, it seemed like I was solo in a couples world.  A lot has changed for me in the years since, now I have many friends who are widowed, as well as some who are not.  Putting myself out there was hard, but worth pushing through my comfort zone.  

[Glolilly]

Within 1-2 months of my husband's death I had to tell the Thrift store worker no, I'm not ready to date. I had brought 3 bikes for me and my college sons. I opened my mouth and said I had just lost my husband. I thought it was healing to express to strangers. The other man was our older handyman recently divorced. I had to get the fence repaired, he undercharged but wanted a dinner date. I would like companionship as well but can't invision a trusted source if it wasn't a good christian man who had no strings attached or a guy who strictly only wanted friendship. It seems good guys like that would get snapped up quickly. Hanging with other women even my widow sister gets old but the pickings seems slim for us women imo. A compassionate companionship is reasonable but as long as both are clearly upfront at the start.

[Brazil Man]

16 hours ago, SSC said:

 @Brazil Man And @HPB I sympathize with your situation.

SSC, thank you for sympathizing with my situation. I really feel the death of my wife too much. Although she is dead I still love her. Nothing will substitute my wife and any form of
replacing her I consider betrayal. I do not criticize anyone who wants to get some kind of companion. Everyone has their way of thinking

[KayC]

It IS hard to find a friendship/companion, it seems they usually want more and try every now and then which gets old fast and very annoying when you've been upfront.  All you can do is create boundaries and if they don't adhere, cut them off.  It helps if you can find someone who truly wants the same thing, just someone to talk to, do things with, be there for each other.  I have a friend like that but he's 75 miles away so we don't see each other much, mostly telephone.  I worry I'm going to outlive all my friends, he has CHF and A-Fib and they say it's a miracle he's alive, he's fighting for his life right now, I'm scared of losing yet another person.