One year mark set back

[LeannC45]

On Wednesday it was the one year anniversary of my husband being gone. I took the day off so that I had the space to go through whatever emotions came up. The night before and the morning of I cried so hard that I thought I was going to have a panic attack. All the pain and darkness overwhelmed me all over again. I have found that in the last several days I am struggling again. I find myself thinking of all the what ifs and why's all over again. I feel angry again. I am trying really hard to sift through these thoughts and emotions with all that I have learned this past year. It just surprised me that this would happen. I know that for a lot of people they may not focus so much on the dates but for me I felt like I just lost a year of my life and that dumbfounds me. I have only been surviving this past year and it makes me panic when I realize that I have so much more work to do to find my healthy happy version of myself. 

[Sunflower2]

1 minute ago, LeannC45 said:

I realize that I have so much more work to do to find my healthy happy version of myself. 

Not just in grief but life is a process! You have that inner tenacity.  You experience love and will continue to on all levels LeannC45!

[adventure]

When my first husband died in 2005, I found the second year was harder then the first. It was like I was numb the first year and didn’t realize it. When the second year started I remember thinking, “This is for REAL!!” I think somewhere in my thinking it felt this was so terrible it had to come to an end and he would be at the end. The “punishment” would end and he would be back. 

I just kept breathing. A lot of tears and confusion. 

Now my second husband is gone. My emotions are just in overload so I do the only thing I know. I take it one moment at a time. One pain at a time. 

Be kind to yourself and breath. 

[LeannC45]

39 minutes ago, adventure said:

When my first husband died in 2005, I found the second year was harder then the first. It was like I was numb the first year and didn’t realize it. When the second year started I remember thinking, “This is for REAL!!” I think somewhere in my thinking it felt this was so terrible it had to come to an end and he would be at the end. The “punishment” would end and he would be back. 

I just kept breathing. A lot of tears and confusion. 

Now my second husband is gone. My emotions are just in overload so I do the only thing I know. I take it one moment at a time. One pain at a time. 

Be kind to yourself and breath. 

Thank you. It is very disorienting to realize that a year has gone by. Now I get confused when I think of time because of course everything is about whether it happened when my husband was with me or not  I am hoping that in the future I will feel things in real time instead of being in the present but having my mind submerged in the past. You are right take one breath at a time, one day at a time and practice self-care. 

[adventure]

Confused about time!!! Gosh, I KNOW that. After my first husband died it was BT and AT, before Tor and after Tor. 2005 was the line in sand for everything. 

Now I have two lines. 2005 and 2018. Even now I can’t grasp its a little more then seven months. Seven months means nothing. I have no sense of time. Just the same day over and over again. 

You expressed it so perfectly. Being in the present but submerged in the past. That’s it exactly for me. 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I have only been surviving this past year and it makes me panic when I realize that I have so much more work to do to find my healthy happy version of myself. 

Yes, but in surviving, you are doing so much more that meets the eye...yes it may take more time to process your grief, more to find purpose, more to build a new life you can live, one with moments of happiness in it, with peace, but you're getting there, bit by bit.  I don't know why the dates are so hard for some of us, but they are.  Having survived the whole first year is no easy feat, but you have done it!  I hope this upcoming week is easier on you.  (((hugs)))

[Glolilly]

Yes, I just hit one year on Jan 6 also and it seems I've been inside an large ice cube that is just beginning to thaw. That means I've been not in control but paralyzed and helpless as life has transpired and happened to me without my participation. It's weird and scary. It's like I didn't fully understand what happened when it happened. It appears that everyone knew my husband was dead except myself. Like someone said about being on a constant rollercoaster that never fully stops with non-ending what ifs as you mention. We're at about the same date. I thought I was better as well until the year's end. Lots of ((hugs))