So many questions unanswered

[Cielohasgirl]

Today is 1 month since mike passed away, we had been having a rough patch in our relationship, but no matter what disagreements we had no matter what was said out of anger or hurt we loved each other, I loved him more then I thought was possible. After a “fight” I got a message from him while I was out of town that he was sick. He was only 32, fast approching 33 in December a birthday he didn’t see. He did however have diabetes. He was typical to sleep for days, and not leave his bed. For over a year I Had gotten use to it. So this time since we had just fought I figured it was another one of his games attempting to get me to come running to him.... boy I was wrong. Here is where my guilt starts, he messaged me Monday afternoon. Saying he was sick. I told him I was out of town I couldn’t really help, I asked what was wrong only response I got was “I am sick” - and then nothing else ... ever. Assuming he was just up to his mike things I proceeded with my day and doctors visits myself. I heard nothing from him Monday night which was very odd, but not completely uncommon. Tuesday rolled around still nothing I proceeded thru work and starting getting worried that he has not responded opened any messages so I decided to head to his place and see why he wasn’t talking... here’s where life changed in the blink of an eye. I walked into his place his dog met me at the door as usual but she was so needy, and was crying like something was hurting her, I asked her where’s dad? I could see mike laying in bed, naked to beat all else! I thought you brat you knew I was coming lol- I chuckled as I walked towards him. I got to his feet, I thought he was sleeping, I grabbed his leg and said “I’m here babe” after that everything was a blur, I can still a month later feel his cold leg on my hand... how I got out of his room outside I don’t really remember! I do remember screaming no no no he’s dead to his roommate... fast forward to the days following. I helped his mom do the funeral preparations that was so hard. The day after his death I picked up his cell phone from the detective who used it to get a better idea of time of death. Now is when my heart breaks more then I thought possible. I get my beloved mikes phone, deep breath try the passcode I thought it was success. His phone opens, my horse and I are his wallpaper tears flow... every picture saved in his phone me... so I search his phone I find I was the only one he called Monday the only one he reached out for... but the heartbreak only starts there.. looking deeper he’s was on dating websites, having random “hookups” the “girl” who created most of our arguments he had a drunk one night stand with. So far I’ve found 3 different people he cheated with. But yet after each one he tells them it was a mistake he is in love with me... I struggle with the pain of his death and now the cheating... did he love me? If he did why did he do this? Why did he let himself die? Was he full of guilt? Someone please help! I’ve wanted to join him in the afterlife but that’s only going to hurt my family and friends I relized that my death will not benefit anyone. It will only create more pain... I feel I failed him, if I was there more, if I would have just... why didn’t I.. I feel this is my fault. Drowning in the waves ...

[ModHerc]

@Cielohasgirl,

I am so sorry for your loss, and the compounding issues of the rough period the two of your were going through.  My wife who passed in 2016 had diabetes.  We also fought on occasion.  One of the longest text message chains I have from her is a fight where we drew up divorce papers, although we never signed or filed them.  So I understand the pain the rough times bring as we look back on them.  It doesn't mean in any way that I didn't love her, and I don't think the rough patch the two of you were going through means you didn't love one another either.

I also don't think he let himself die, or that any of this is your fault.  I think reading through it that probably the diabetes was behind it all.  I have dealt with enough low and high blood sugars with my wife to know how dangerous they can be.  Guilt is very common in grief, we tend to blame ourselves for things and situations that truly were beyond our control.  Please try to go easy on yourself, you deserve care and compassion from yourself throughout your grief.

Reviewing what I have done through my grief journey lead me to create this list.  Everyone’s path through this is unique, but there are many things that we have in common.  I hope that people fresh to grief find it helpful, as well as giving those further along on their journey opportunity to reflect.

1.  One day, one moment at a time. - It is ok to look at the future, particularly if you are having strong moments.  When it starts causing anxiety, panic, or discomfort it is important to stop and deal with grief in smaller, more manageable pieces.

2.  Practice self-care, particularly in the small things. – Your loved one would want you to take care of yourself.  This applies to all aspects of grief, but basic elements in particular.  Eat what you can, sleep when you can, exercise if you can, and drink plenty of water.

3.  Accept help when you need it, help others when you can. -  It is hard at times to accept help.  Grief may make you may feel that you are a burden, or that you aren’t worthy of being helped, both of which are untrue.  People who offer help do so because they want and need to.  It is often part of their grieving process.  If someone offers help without specifics, you may try to think of one small, but concrete thing they can do.  Let them pick up something from the store for you, cook you a meal, or help clean a room.  These are small things that have visible results.  Remember the "when you can" of helping others.  Helping people builds a sense of self-worth and purpose, but you have burdens of your own and don't need to overextend yourself.

4.  Establish and stick to routines. - This puts order into chaotic lives.  Try to go to and get out of bed every day at the same time.  Set schedules, with alarms in your phone if needed for the basics of life, shopping, caring for pets, eating, or cleaning.

5.  Allow time to grieve. - Ignoring grief may lead to further problems.  There are times when it is appropriate to disguise your emotions, but if you do that for too long it may lead to a setback in your grieving journey.  You may want to add this to your routines, and set one time a day to think about your emotions, loss, and how to cope with it.  Over time you may find you simply know when you need to take time to process your grief.

6.  Before making big changes take time to think them through. – This seems to go against one day, one moment, one breath at a time, but it is important.  Avoid making big changes in the first year.  Slow down and make sure what you are doing is good for you, not a reaction to your grief.

7.  Try new things. - The reverse of establish and stick to routines.  While routines bring order to the chaos, trying new things opens the door to future possibilities.  Start small, such as changing your routes to and from work or the store.  When you feel comfortable, look at trying large things such as changing long term patterns of behavior that no longer work for your situation.

8.  Do what feels right for you. – Self-confidence is often damaged by personal loss and grief.  You may stop trusting your instincts and second guess yourself.  Often your instincts are still correct.  If you don’t feel you are ready for something, listen to that inner voice.  This journey is hard enough, on occasion it is ok to indulge yourself even if it seems selfish to others.

9.  Separate guilt from regrets. -  Regrets are natural and we all wish we had done better at times.  Guilt is feeling you have done something wrong and blaming yourself for the situation.  None of us needs blame or condemnation through this process, least of all from ourselves.

10. It is OK to not be OK. – You are going through a very difficult experience.  It is normal to feel panic, anxiety, fear, anger, and depression.  Take those moments for what they are and work through them as slowly as you need to.  If you don't get something the first, fifth, or five thousandth time, that is understandable.  Take your time, regroup and try again.  Anyone who doesn't understand doesn't matter, and anyone who matters will understand.

11.  Grief can be a part of you without controlling you. – Early in grief it is all you may feel, in ways it may define you.  As you move through this grief journey, you will come to points where you can define your grief rather than the other way around.  While you may never be rid of it, you do not have to give it power over you.  You can find ways to live with it and find purpose or happiness even though grief will still be a part of you.

 12.  When truly lost, seek out an expert, then take and follow their advice.  -  No one knows everything.  It is normal to feel isolated and abandoned in grief.  Asking for, and accepting help doesn’t make you weak in any way.  It gives you the strength of your entire community.

Hoping you find this helpful, and wishing you all the peace and comfort possible

Herc

[KayC]

@Cielohasgirl  I am so sorry, both for his death and for the things you've learned since.  Sometimes there are no answers to our questions, at least none we can lay hold of.  One thing you do know, he loved you, hang onto that.  You have nothing to feel guilty about but I know it does no good to tell you that because guilt is a feeling we often get with grief, it's the "if onlys" that haunt us, it's like we're trying to come up with a different ending, some other outcome other than the one that was, only thing is, you had no way of knowing he was dying, how could you possibly know?  I doubt he knew even or he might have called 911.  

I hope you will continue to come here, there will be others coming shortly who will also read your post and respond.

I wrote an article of what I have found that has helped me in the years since my husband died, I want to share it with you...it's designed to print out and read every few months because our grief journey evolves and what stands out to us later on will be different than what does at first, and also varies from one person to the next, so skip over what isn't something you could relate to and use what does.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.