Being someone's light

[Jgra18]

I was recently talking to a very close friend of my dear Mark, who said something that resonated deeply, both out of feeling humbled and incredibly sad.

They said "you were the light that broke through his darkness".

I know this was true because Mark had been very troubled for many years and hadn't seen a reason to continue living until we had stumbled across each others paths.

But on this quote, I thought to myself that being the light for someone else, so profoundly, has created for me: the greatest darkness that I could probably ever know.

Not that I regret ever having being that light. Not now, not ever. I will wear this darkness with me until the day that I die knowing that I was able to provide the most infinite pool of love for someone so precious.

But... This is just my thoughts on it, I know you all here will have wondrous insights on it, and I do love to read everything that you all say in comfort.

[Sunflower2]

4 hours ago, Jgra18 said:

But on this quote, I thought to myself that being the light for someone else, so profoundly, has created for me: the greatest darkness that I could probably ever know

Beautiful share.  I understand this as I  experienced something similar.  I'm learning that with lightness there is darkness. Learning that the two will be partnered forever.  As with love and loss.  Eventually you will see the love and beauty and lightness as a blessing you gave and shared with your love one. You were his light on many levels.  

[KayC]

I hope it's not always as dark for you as it is today, that is my hope for all of us...it's been 13 1/2 years for me but as I was saying in another thread, it's less raw further out than it was in the beginning, although grief doesn't seem to ever truly leave us, it does change form as we begin to adjust ever so little by little.

In the beginning I could not fathom ever adjusting to something so horrific as this, but I've found that are bodies are more resilient than we ever could imagine.  I do not think any of us could live for long with the raw horror that was ours in the beginning of this journey.  

Someone else was mentioning her finding solace in the Audubon, I know that I do also in nature and wildlife, for each of us the pathway to our soul is unique.

I find comfort in the knowledge that our love did not die when his body did.  I am the torch carrying his light.

[foreverhis]

On 1/7/2019 at 1:44 AM, Jgra18 said:

But on this quote, I thought to myself that being the light for someone else, so profoundly, has created for me: the greatest darkness that I could probably ever know.

That's really profound.  Truly.  A day (not today--it's cold rain and wind...) may be sunny and warm out, but I'm cold now all the time.  Literally cold, when I never used to find 70 degrees in the house "freezing."  His death took nearly all the light and joy out of my life.  Once we found each other, we became each other's lights.  I had had some less than good relationships and my parents had always been less than loving and supportive (not bad, just not particularly nurturing).  Then I saw him.  His eyes lit up when he smiled and his laugh broke through a lot of my own defenses.  Best yet, he loved me truly despite my faults and flaws. 

Our girls and our brother-and-sister-by-choice (aka best friends) are the only people breaking through the deep black with pinpoints of light.  Part of the dark, for me, is my firm belief that I let him down.  That I "should have" known, done, been more and if only I had, he'd have gotten better and come home.  Logically, I know it's not true, but logic has little to do with it.

Your love for him was clearly a beacon that allowed both of you to walk in the light.  Love does that, doesn't it?

I'm so sorry you find yourself here with all of us.  Please believe me when I say that the members here can help you in so many ways because they are walking a similar path, each in his or her own way.  Come talk, rant, cry, ask for advice; it can really help.

 

[Mary G]

19 hours ago, Jgra18 said:

I was recently talking to a very close friend of my dear Mark, who said something that resonated deeply, both out of feeling humbled and incredibly sad.

They said "you were the light that broke through his darkness".

I know this was true because Mark had been very troubled for many years and hadn't seen a reason to continue living until we had stumbled across each others paths.

But on this quote, I thought to myself that being the light for someone else, so profoundly, has created for me: the greatest darkness that I could probably ever know.

 

So true when we do the light we shared it does turn into a darkness for us. Sorry for your loss. 

[foreverhis]

For no particular reason,  a line from a poem I wrote decades ago popped into my head today.  It's about marriage, but can apply to any committed relationship:

Love combined against the lonely dark

That's what you, what we all, had.  And that's part of why everything seems so dark now.

[KayC]

I looked for that poem but didn't find it, it sounds like one George would have liked, the way we felt about each other.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I looked for that poem but didn't find it, it sounds like one George would have liked, the way we felt about each other.

Did you mean what I posted?  I'm afraid you couldn't find it because I've never submitted my poetry for publication.  My author's ego must say that some of my poems are really good (I've even made my stoic hubby cry), others are nice or interesting, and many others are...unmentionable.  That whole poem is only one short stanza of what's called a shape poem (very popular in the mid 17th century, one of my areas of study).  Our wedding invitations featured a drawing based on a photo of our rings overlapping.  I wrote this shortly after we married.  Here it is:

 

        Wedding Bands

       

         Light gleams,

  golden circles together.

  Love combined against

  the lonely dark.  Bands

     entwined that say

           "We love."

[KayC]

Thank you for sharing that, yes that is what I was looking for.  My George would have loved that.  He had a professor that told him he should have been a writer...he should have.  We met through letters, he had a beautiful way of expressing himself through the written word, he also loved reading what others wrote.

It sounds like you too, have that gift.

[foreverhis]

Thank you.  I'm glad you like it.  Sometimes I find it best to condense and then condense more.  That poem started with twice as many words.  I took my time and threw away the ones that didn't need to be there.

My degrees are in English with concentrations in 17th century literature and technical writing-editing-design.  The first because I enjoy it and the second because I wanted to make a decent living, though I loved my work too.  My home writing is mostly just for me.  I've had a number of stream of consciousness sessions since July, but have only had inspiration for two poems about my love.

Sometimes I do feel like I have a gift, but other times, if I try to force something, I feel like "Woman, who are you kidding?"  Some essays and poems that I've written, I've looked back and asked myself, "Where did that come from?" as I have no detailed memory of writing it.  Written words are my life-line now because my medical conditions mean my brain works slower and doesn't always come up with the right words at first.  Writing allows me to look at them and decide if it's what I meant to say, not that I always get that right either--obviously.

[KayC]

It's funny but I just had that discussion with someone today, the difference between the written word and the oral is the oral is on the fly whereas the written one can have a good deal of thought put into it.