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eldest died, youngest to go too


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my oldest son died when he was l2. that was years ago. now my youngest is l4 and he is on the same path. I am strong, I am a very balanced person. And it's all feeling to be too much right now, being strong and whole is all fine and good but it's not enough! I have the best friends, many of them, all wonderful, supportive, loving etc. but they have not a clue what this is like. They can't know. people don't know until they go through a loss. I'm not getting what I need. I need more, so much more. I am hoping I can get more of what I need via this forum, and/or others if you can recommend others to go to. I'll take all the support in the world. no pity. you know how that goes if you've gone through a loss. pity is worthless of course. advice. only if it's coming from the heart and from someone who has some understanding of this experience of mine. My sons have been the best experience of my life. I am honored to have been their mom. I wouldn't change any of this, ever.

My son began seeing spirits about six weeks ago. he wondered why. I know why. we've talked about it. Around the same time he began writing stories, all day long for weeks. Stories that expressed what is actually going on. such a gift for me and his older brother.

I walk on a treadmill or jog on a treadmill every day. have been doing this for years. the past two days I just don't seem to have the umph to keep it up. I'm so tired of it all.

when will he go. how will he go. what happens if he doesn't go and this just goes on and on? what will life be like once he goes? People say I'm strong, and I am. but it's been no problem being brave when you have children who need you. that's not bravery. bravery is for when I don't have my son any longer. what will I feel? what will make my life important and profound as it has been these past many years.

so many things on my mind. of course, I need to be present to this moment only. it's hard for me to do that right now. I'm in a real low. you probably got that, eh?!

thank you,


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Dear J...I'm so sorry for the loss of your oldest son all those years ago, and now you seem to be headed for the same thing again with your youngest son. People tell me I'm strong, too. I don't even know what that means anymore. The loss of an adult child forum seems to be more active. Please come there and introduce yourself. There are many parents who are further on this journey than I who offer their wisdom and experience. There is no judgement here (or there).

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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