My dad died in a tragic car accident in January 2018

[britanishka]

Hi everyone, 

Almost a year ago, I got a phone call from my parent's neighbor saying the chief of police was at their home looking for my father's next of kin and that he was in a serious car accident.

I somehow knew right away that he was gone - I rushed to my parents home and when i got their my mother was hysterical and I knew what happened.  My dad got up for work like he normally did, took a right turn off our street onto a rural road with minimal traffic - he drove a quarter of a mile going 25 mph and randomly crashed into a pole and died from the impact. Til this day, I am baffled how he died from crashing into a pole at such a slow speed and also how he crashed into a pole in the first place.  The police as well as the ER doctor told us they suspected that he had a medical incident that caused him to crash into the pole; however, when the results from the autopsy came back we learned there was not a medical incident.  The next theory from the police was that maybe an animal ran into the street and he swerved to avoid it but this seems unlikely to me.  I still don't understand how he died just crashing into the pole at a slow speed.

I have been in a complete state of shock ever since. I wake up everyday and I have to think twice about if this is real or not - it seems like a bad dream.  It is hard to explain but it just didnt feel real to me until recently.  The past few weeks I started to feel sad about the loss. I have terrible images in my head on and off all day about my father crashing into the pole, about him being in the ground, i have flashes of his casket at the funeral - it is terrible.  I have terrible depression and anxiety about my husband dying and I fear the worst all the time.

My mother is a complete wreck.  I had to plan the entire funeral because she was in a comatose state.  She is currently mentally unstable beyond belief and has absolutely zero independent life skills or structure in her life.  She is angry and lashes out at me all the time and makes my pain worse. My husband and I spend tons of time with her and it is never enough.  She feels empty and lonely and nothing anyone can do will make her feel better. I see her 3-5x per week and she calls me non-stop all day on the days I am not with her.  If a day goes by that I don't call her or see her she accuses me of abandoning her.  In my opinion, she was mentally unstable for many years and my father was shielding me from it. Dealing with her is the worst part of the whole tragedy. She acts like she is 90 even though she is only 53.

I have so much guilt about not spending time with my father before he died.  We had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship but overall he was a great father and he did everything for me.  I did not have him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding on 12/2/18 and he will never get to be a grandfather :(

[Kateu]

I'm so sorry for your loss and the tragic experience surrounding it.  I feel for you... in so many ways I can connect....the way he died... the first thing i thought was wow only 25 miles an hour.  I would feel the same way as you do... always questioning it never understanding it has to be hard.  My father passed away suddenly to cancer and I questioned so much of it and I had medical explanations and i still can't believe it. What caught my attention was your mom's age as well.  I'm 53 also.  That has to be hard for you.  I feel guilty about not spending enough time with my mom but I have 6 other siblings and plenty of her grandchildren to help with it.  My dad told his kids he was dying bf he told my mom and thought we'd handle it better. I just couldnt believe that and she hasn't really ..she is unable to grieve in any way.  Just acts like everything is normal.  I hope your mom can recover she is still young and  has a future.  I wish i had some advice to help you with it but I guess I'd just say....don't beat yourself up ...take care of yourself as well.  If she wasn't in this state and she hadn't lost her husband she would want you to take care of yourself.  If it doesn't get better for her I would suggest researching a grief counselor in your area.  Maybe you could go together and she can see you to are suffering.  I also feel like my dad shielded us from our mom in ways I never knew bc of what he knew about her.  It is like the anchor-our father's die- and everything falls apart.  My heart goes out to you and I hope things get better for both of you and God bless.  

Kate