Trying to be strong...

[RADAR]

OK, here I go.... been thinking about doing this for a while now and just found this site.  After reading through several of the posts and responses, it gave me the courage to start this journey... new year and all.  I met my wife when I was 19 and we grew up together.  Getting married 5 years later, after graduating college.  18 years married with what seemed like the perfect life... we bought a house in a great community, have a great career, have two terrific kids and a bright future together.  She was my soulmate and I hers (or at least that is what we told each other).  Things were not perfect and we had our ups and downs but I always felt we could get through anything (together).  Then in 2012, she started drinking... completely out of character for her.  And she drank more and more where there was either a 12 pack of beer or a bottle of vodka showing up every day.  By 2014, she had added narcotics to the mix.  I tried to reach out. I offered to get her any of the help she needed, but she didn't see it as a problem.  In May of 2015, she filed for divorce.  By this point, there was nothing else I could do and I was getting worried about the kids (who had become teenagers) and agreed to the divorce.  It became really bad really quick as she hired a number of lawyers.  I had asked her why she needed them... I wasn't fighting for anything... 50-50 and time with the kids.... but she kept up with the lawyers.  It became War of the Roses.  

During this time she was still using and drinking.  Also found out that she was having an affair with the guy next door.  My world was crumbling.  She moved out and I fought and won full custody of the kids.  Pretty rare for a dad. And despite knowing they were safe, I never felt like I won anything... I was fighting with my soulmate... the girl I fell in love with when I was 19 and intended to spend the rest of my life with.  Fast forward a few months and I receive a call from her Mother, that she was admitted to the hospital and was non-responsive and didn't look like she was going to make it.  I kept her on life support until all the family had a chance to say good bye and we let her go listening to a John Denver song.  That was one of the hardest days of my life... having to go pick up our kids from school so they could say good bye to their mom.  That was Feb 7, 2017.  Then, all the funeral arrangements had to be made.  We were separated and almost at the point of finalizing the divorce but because I wanted the kids to remember their mom in as positive a manner as I could, I took care of everything for her...including cleaning out her apartment where I found more proof of her affairs.  This really hurt.  

I have tried to take the high road and be strong for the kids and think I am doing a decent job.  But I really feel numb in side still... almost two years later from her death and 4 years from the separation and I still feel intense sadness and anger.  My sister told me once that you didn't even get to grieve the divorce and then boom you had to deal with her death.  I hadn't thought of it that way before and guess it has somewhat prevented me from reaching out for support as I'm not sure what I should do... I mean how am I supposed to grieve someone who hurt me so bad?  In the 23 years together... most were really good and I look back on those for strength and try not to think of the person she became.  Time has made things a little easier but I still feel the depths of her betrayal as well the depth of the love shared so deeply.  I heard once that anger and love are two sides to the same coin... the more you love someone, the more anger you feel when they are gone.  

Looking for any words of wisdom to help make 2019 a better year, mentally, and handle this process positively so that I can fully open myself and love again. Thanks in advance for reading.

New Beginnings.

[Glolilly]

You are further along than myself but your story touched my heart. You rarely find a good man like your self and deserve to find peace and love. No one can see into the future. You did all you could possibly do. We each have our own mind and choices. We came into this world separately and will leave separately. We can try to fix or convince others about healthy choices but we can only control up to a certain point. Adults make their own free choices. Only conjured twins are stuck physically from doing what they please but the rest of us have our own say. So trying to make sense of the past is real emotional energy. What could I have done. You did all you could at the time. You did your very best. Not the outcome you hoped for but who are we to control the circumstances of life. Life is living through unforeseen life changes and trying to make the best of it. Sometimes we have to ask for help from friends, counselors, grief groups and family that truly care and understand the stages of grief. There is no one time quick cure but it is a continuous work of grief that involves dealing with emotions. Good people feel they should be good at rescuing everyone. They set themselves as superheroes. We are human, intelligent and smart but we are not that smart that we can stop all loved ones from destroying themselves. That beautiful wife did what she thought was best for herself and chose those choices. You didn't, she did. You are not a superhero so you could not prevent it. For 2019 I would get into a group that deals with grief and or suicide group if you have bitter unresolved grief. To balance, maybe I would join an interest group of something that you love to do like a hobby part time at first to get the energy back. Finding love for something you like will keep you connected to life and hopefully gain you new friends to come out of numbness. New friends equals new life purposes and belonging to something. Hopefully this will slowly bring happiness and joy. Time will hopefully diminish the raw pain and anger because you didn't ask for this but it just happened like things happen to us all. We can control only some issues in life but not everything. Mentally I personally study my bible or read self help books. I talk to myself in the mirror. Ask your spiritual guide to release you from guilt and anger. It will take awhile to let the old normal life fade into the new normal life. No one wants to release but we cannot live in both. We never forget them but learn to love life in small pieces in our new state. We should change the subject if people mentally pull us back too far into the former state of mind. People mean no harm but can dwell on mentioning the deceased too long. Mediate on inspirational poems often if desired. Exercise, walk, write, read, take cooking hobby, paint class or volunteer at school.  I take a 1-2 day vacation from the children. Get a babysitter if possible. Do this often to have something to look forward to. I use a hotel or Airbnb to go to different places to slowly meet people.  I was surprised to see many single drivers on the road like myself adventuring out last week.  It may help to overcome fear or anger with good things that YOU add! God bless your life.

[RADAR]

Thank you Glolilly! A lot of great suggestions and great perspective...I do think I fall into that trap of thinking I could of somehow prevented this.  She was her own person and could make her own decisions.  She just chose ones that had a direct impact on the ones who loved her most.  I cannot own that.  

I do see glimpses of my new life and do try and get out and do new things.... I'm really passionate about photography, like to spend time with my kids (they are late teenagers now, so the question is if they want to spend time with me ;), cycling, trying to eat better.... But I think you hit on something I am missing.. a spiritual guide... I need to spend some time getting centered.  Anyways, thank you very much for your insight.  You have helped me greatly and I do really appreciate you and the time you took to respond.  

[Marcel]

A lot of people here lost their spouses to illness. Becoming addicted to alcohol and drugs is also an illness, often triggered by depression, which is also an illness.
And a lot of illnesses change our partners in a way it becomes difficult to see their former self.
You tried your best to help her but you didn't succeed. It similar for several others who had to see their loved ones fade away physically and/or mentally.
Don't blame yourself for anything you did or didn't, and don't wonder why you still love her after what she did, because that was probably already part of her decline, not an act of the soul you fell in love with.
Take one step at a time and try to figure out what's best for you. Anger, guilt and love are all a natural part of any grieving process. When it comes, let it happen, but also let it pass (except for the love of course )
 

[ModHerc]

@RADAR,

I'm so sorry for you, your children, and your lost love.  Having someone you love who is in active addiction is absolutely devastating.  I am so sorry you had to go through that in addition to your loss.

As for grieving someone who hurt you so badly, you largely answered it yourself when you mentioned that most were good years.  Additionally, grief often doesn't follow any logic or reason.  We love who we love, and even if the situation was ugly for a period, it may not change how or why we miss them.

Glolilly had several great suggestions.  In addition to the grief counseling, you could check out Al-anon groups or literature, which may have some perspectives on loved ones with addictions that might help you.  Marcel is also spot on, allow yourself to grieve.  Regardless of the circumstances involved, you lost someone you cared for intensely.  Trying to stop yourself from grieving usually doesn't work out too well.  Wishing you peace, comfort, and growth in this new year,

Herc

[KayC]

16 hours ago, RADAR said:

OK, here I go.... been thinking about doing this for a while now and just found this site.  After reading through several of the posts and responses, it gave me the courage to start this journey... new year and all.  I met my wife when I was 19 and we grew up together.  Getting married 5 years later, after graduating college.  18 years married with what seemed like the perfect life... we bought a house in a great community, have a great career, have two terrific kids and a bright future together.  She was my soulmate and I hers (or at least that is what we told each other).  Things were not perfect and we had our ups and downs but I always felt we could get through anything (together).  Then in 2012, she started drinking... completely out of character for her.  And she drank more and more where there was either a 12 pack of beer or a bottle of vodka showing up every day.  By 2014, she had added narcotics to the mix.  I tried to reach out. I offered to get her any of the help she needed, but she didn't see it as a problem.  In May of 2015, she filed for divorce.  By this point, there was nothing else I could do and I was getting worried about the kids (who had become teenagers) and agreed to the divorce.  It became really bad really quick as she hired a number of lawyers.  I had asked her why she needed them... I wasn't fighting for anything... 50-50 and time with the kids.... but she kept up with the lawyers.  It became War of the Roses.  

During this time she was still using and drinking.  Also found out that she was having an affair with the guy next door.  My world was crumbling.  She moved out and I fought and won full custody of the kids.  Pretty rare for a dad. And despite knowing they were safe, I never felt like I won anything... I was fighting with my soulmate... the girl I fell in love with when I was 19 and intended to spend the rest of my life with.  Fast forward a few months and I receive a call from her Mother, that she was admitted to the hospital and was non-responsive and didn't look like she was going to make it.  I kept her on life support until all the family had a chance to say good bye and we let her go listening to a John Denver song.  That was one of the hardest days of my life... having to go pick up our kids from school so they could say good bye to their mom.  That was Feb 7, 2017.  Then, all the funeral arrangements had to be made.  We were separated and almost at the point of finalizing the divorce but because I wanted the kids to remember their mom in as positive a manner as I could, I took care of everything for her...including cleaning out her apartment where I found more proof of her affairs.  This really hurt.  

I have tried to take the high road and be strong for the kids and think I am doing a decent job.  But I really feel numb in side still... almost two years later from her death and 4 years from the separation and I still feel intense sadness and anger.  My sister told me once that you didn't even get to grieve the divorce and then boom you had to deal with her death.  I hadn't thought of it that way before and guess it has somewhat prevented me from reaching out for support as I'm not sure what I should do... I mean how am I supposed to grieve someone who hurt me so bad?  In the 23 years together... most were really good and I look back on those for strength and try not to think of the person she became.  Time has made things a little easier but I still feel the depths of her betrayal as well the depth of the love shared so deeply.  I heard once that anger and love are two sides to the same coin... the more you love someone, the more anger you feel when they are gone.  

Looking for any words of wisdom to help make 2019 a better year, mentally, and handle this process positively so that I can fully open myself and love again. Thanks in advance for reading.

New Beginnings.

Welcome here, although I am so sorry for the reason behind it.  

It's okay to grieve the person you knew and loved and be angry with the person that hurt you, even if they're one and the same.  You wonder how she could have done this..drinking can do that, so can drugs, it literally changes your brain so you are not the same person.  My son-in-law that I have been Mom to for 18 years is doing this to my daughter only he won't leave and let her move on with her life, he's keeping her in a state of confusion with his mixed messages/gaslighting.

None of this is easy to go through but I commend you highly for putting your kids' needs ahead of everything else, and for taking the high road, you won't regret it.

I wrote this article at about ten years out from my husband's death...in the beginning I didn't know where to start, how to do life without him, but these are the things that have helped me and if even one thing is of help to you, well that's why I wrote it.  You are undoubtedly busy with your kids and job, but mine were young adults, living alone was very different from living alone when I was younger.

 TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[RADAR]

Thank you everyone! Your words have meant a lot to me and allowed me to look at my situation with a little different perspective.  It's these perception changes which helps try to make sense of the the loss.  I don't think it will ever "make sense" but helps as you traverse down the mental timeline trying to put pieces in place and offers a chance of forgiveness along the way.  Thank you again.