husband It hurts

[EmViolet]

There's no way I know how to say any of this. Everyone asks me "how are you doing" and I don't know how to reply. I was about to get a divorce from my husband. Things had been going south for a long time but I was and still am and will always be deeply in love with him. On Saturday I got an email from him titled "my last goodbye". He said that he had scheduled the email to go out the day after. It was late at night when I got the email. In the morning I went to our apartment and let the police inside. After several minutes. They came out and told me the thing I had been dreading to hear. I have allot of support around me, friends and family. But it's like none of that matters. People say they are sorry and that they understand. I know they are trying to comfort me but my life will never be the same. A part of me is missing, it's gone and never coming back. Even the idea of divorce was tearing me apart. My mother and grandmother think he's a bad person. He is not. He had done things that he shouldn't but so have I. No one is...was innocent in this relationship. But now he's gone and I'm never going to see him ever again. I can feel my heart dying. My family says that in some odd years things will get better. I know better then that...I know myself better then they do. This has changed who I am for the rest of my life.

[John/Wendy]

Dear EmViolet, 

No one is ever innocent in a relationship. We go into it innocently enough. Thinking love and looks and happy times are ahead. But time slaps us pretty hard with the reality of just what a loving relationship really means. It sounds like yours was going through the worst of times and stopped unimaginably, horrifically. Finding closure without communication with your love, I simply can’t imagine being easy or fathom. What I can tell you is death sucks. The “what if’s” and things I should have done or shouldn’t have dones. Will eat at your soul. My tharapist and friends have all told me I need to find a way to “forgive myself” for all the things I blame myself for in my wife and I’s relationship. After 31 years, that’s a lot. It’s our burden to do that. As for the things our Loves did to us... we are left with only questions that can’t be answered and our ability to forgive. Yes you are changed forever, and I hate when people tell me time will heal or make this easier. I don’t see that happening either. But, we will change and our lives will change. I’ve been reading the posts in this forum and dealing with my wife’s passing in my own way. You will do the same I hope and learn from those who have felt lose similar, but exactly like ours. This is a real **** show and we are unfortunately the stars. But we get to write our dialogue, not the circumstance our role is cast in, but how are character reacts from here on out. I’m only a month and a half out. I wish I could give you some incouragment, but I just spent an hour crying in the shower and an hour talking to my daughter after taking a anti anxiety med so I could breath. Hold on. That’s all I can offer. Your loved one wouldn’t want you to suffer. That much you know. Talk with them, write to them, take walks with them. I do believe they can hear us. That part of a relationship I believe lasts forever. Love and peace to you and yours.

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, you are going through what no one should ever have to experience.  The finality of death hits us all, it's hard to grasp, it takes a long time just to process it.  It's too unfathomable.  How can someone we knew and loved be...gone?!  I remember wondering in the beginning, how the sun could go on shining!  Didn't it know?  It's weird the thoughts that go through our brain, all in an effort to understand.

As John said, it helps to write, to express what you're feeling inside, to say the things you want to say.  You can write them here or in a journal, but it's good to get it out. 

I wrote this article and hope even one of the "tips" is helpful to you...the single best advice I got was taking a day at a time...breaking it down to an hour or minute when that's all I could handle.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.