Christmas and New Year

[BetsyD]

Today has been even worse than Christmas, which I was able to survive because of my children and grandson, although my daughter's mother-in-law was incredibly selfish - she had asked my son-in-law several weeks ago if he thought my daughter and I would like "memorial" ornaments for our Christmas trees. He gave her a resounding "no"...she asked again the week before Christmas and when he repeated that no, he didn't think either of us would want that, her response was "what are they, in denial?" - he got really angry and told her we were all dealing with Tom's loss as well as we good and asked her to respect his wishes. Needless to say, she didn't. She gave each of us a horrid poem and memorial ornament telling us not to cry because "I am spending Christmas with Jesus this year". #1, how does she know our religious beliefs? #2, WHY, when asked to NOT do something was it ok to do it anyway. They ended up having a huge fight, and he explained to her that we had tried to fill our trees with happy times, with happy ornaments that Tom and we had all gotten together. That we bought new ornaments for the baby, that we were trying so hard...she sent an empty "gee, sorry, hope you forgive me" group message to me and my daughter, and then ended it by telling us to just send them back to her and she would give them to someone else who had just lost a family member - re gifting them? really???  This was my response to her message:

"I can only speak for myself in response to your message. While I completely understand that your giving me the ornament was absolutely well-intended, I had also heard that several weeks ago you inquired about giving it to me. The response to you was that it was probably not the best thing to do, so I guess I wonder why, since you were kind enough to ask the opinion of those who know me well, you did not take their advice. While, as you know, this has been the most difficult Christmas anyone in my family has ever experienced, we tried to approach it with a sense of joy and happiness despite Tom's absence. We celebrated the joy of having a baby in the family and tried hard to focus on that...and on getting each other through the time of year most important to Tom. I, for one, do not believe Tom is in a "better place" - his place was with his family. I will grieve his loss and weep his absence for the rest of my life and I will celebrate his legacy for as long we I can with my children (including M*** (her son)) and our grandchild. He will iive in my heart, soul and mind forever, and I do not confuse my faith with any religion but, rather, with a deep belief in his soul as being the memories and love remaining in and through those whose lives he touched. Sending you my best wishes for a Happy and Healthy New Year, Betsy."

Her response? She unfriended everyone in the family and deleted her Facebook page. Really mature, but sure speaks to her petulance...her loss, since now she can't see pictures of her grandson, I guess. But I digress...

There are no words to describe the loneliness and sadness I am feeling today. As the entire world seems to be celebrating and partying, all I want to do it put my head under a pillow. However, my children want me with them, want me to hug my grandson and don't want me to be alone. I have tried to explain to them that I don't mind being alone, that it is the loneliness I hate. I have never minded being alone, but, then, I always knew Tom was coming home. 

So, as the world is partying and celebrating, I will be remembering and weeping. My heart is still breaking and aching.  I know that holds true for most of you as well. So, I guess my New Year's wish for each and every one of you is that 2019 bring you some peace, some softening, some gentle times to ease your hearts. That we all stick together to vent and cry. That we know that our lost loved ones are not lost as long as we keep them in our hearts, and that they would want us to grieve them, because our grief is nothing more than a sign of how much we loved AND LOVE them, and that they would want us to go on.

Peace and hugs to all,

Betsy

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, BetsyD said:

I have tried to explain to them that I don't mind being alone, that it is the loneliness I hate. I have never minded being alone, but, then, I always knew Tom was coming home. 

That is it exactly.  In fact, I used almost those same words in explaining it to a friend the other day.  In 35 years, my husband and I had only 3 times of being apart for more than a few days.  Those times were work related or helping our adult daughter.  We had a number of times of being apart for a few days, for work, but also because everyone needs a bit of quiet time now and then.

Whenever I was the one at home, I was fine being alone.  In fact, one time when he was away on business for a few days, I actually hadn't been alone at home for more than a few hours in more than 2 years.  Our daughter was staying with friends for a long weekend, so the house was mine!  My sister called and asked, "Should I come stay over?" and I had to tell her that, while I adore her, I was perfectly fine and wanted no one with me except our dog and cat.  And it was exactly for the reason you say:  I knew he would be coming home.

This has been a horrible holiday time for me, but I am lucky that I have not had to deal with anyone remotely like your son's MIL.  What a passive-aggressive...well, you know.  Yeah, because things aren't already impossible for you and your family right now, she just had to make it worse--even after being asked not to do that.  I thought your response was kinder than this woman deserved, so good for you for basically holding your tongue and being charitable.  You're right that it is her loss, but probably better for you in the long run.

I applaud you for doing your best to focus on the good and loving times and the grandbaby.  Our granddaughter just turned 10 and has been having a tough time because she and her grandpa were best buddies.  She loves me, I have no doubt about it, but they adored each other.  It always made my heart sing to see them enjoying time together.  He was just the best dad and grandpa any girl could ever ask for.  Unfortunately, our girls are 1000 miles away and couldn't be here this year.  Where they live is too cold in the winter for my health and I don't want to go anywhere right now anyway.  They sent cards and packages, including a beautiful homemade card from our granddaughter.  I emailed her through her mom's account to let her know that it is my absolute favorite and I've put it up where I can see it all the time.  It really does help.  I'm glad you've had your family there so you can help each other through it.  If they are anything like my close family and friends, they are almost desperate to help you in any way they can.  Tonight, let them, if only because you know that their helping you is helping them as well.

Tonight I will be alone, which is probably better this year.  Our best friends had to post-pone their traditional after Christmas through New Year's visit, but will be here in 2 weeks.  I have a few friends in our neighborhood, but told everyone that I honestly don't know how I will act or react at midnight.  This is only the second year we'll miss our midnight kiss; the first, he was with our girls when I couldn't be and, again, was coming home a few days later.  This year?  I'll drink another glass of bubbly, tell him for the millionth time how much I love and miss him, ask him once again to wait for me, and then cry for the who-knows-how-many-times today.  Well, okay, the crying part is the same every day. 

I suspect we will all be thinking of other members here and wishing that we all find a measure of peace or comfort.  I can't see it yet, my pain is too new and too raw.  But I get up each day, breathe in and out, and remember that our girls deserve to have their mom and grandma with them for a while longer.  That is one thing that keeps me going.  I don't want to disappoint my love by abandoning our girls.

My heart goes out to you and to all of us.  I wish you a new year filled with the love of your family and the memories you cherish.

[BetsyD]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

He was just the best dad and grandpa any girl could ever ask for

This was the case with my Tom as well...he only got to see our new grandbaby for three days after he was born, then again for six days when we came back to Arizona to go to the Mayo Clinic in the desperate hope for better news. But my grandson will be regaled with stories about his grandpa...our daughters are suffering his loss terribly, particularly my older daughter (the new mom) who had a most incredible bond with her dad. I can only try to give them all the advice and guidance I think he would have - he was WAY better at answers than I, and I have told them all that 40 years with him had to teach me something! 

 

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Tonight, let them, if only because you know that their helping you is helping them as well.

My real desire is to stay home alone with the dogs and cats...but I moved to Arizona to be with the kids and I suspect they need me tonight even more than maybe I need them...so I will head over there, probably cry my eyes out for a better part of the evening, hug them all and then...come back home to the empty and lonely house (thankful for my animals, of course) to start a new year tomorrow...it has been only 8 months since cancer took him so suddenly and unexpectedly, and I know everyone keeps telling me "the first of everything is the worst"...I don't think the second will be better, or the third...but time will tell. 

Sending you wishes of love and memories as we all approach another year, and keep talking to your granddaughter about her grandpa! She is blessed with his memory, and was blessed with his presence. As are you.

Betsy

[KayC]

Betsy,

It's hard to comprehend the maturity level of that woman! To put you through all that unnecessarily, especially when she'd already been told!  Having to deal with that is one thing you absolutely did not need.  I hope you consider her "unfriending" a blessing.  Again, that shows her maturity level.  She cut off her nose to spite her face.

New Year's is a hard time to get through, even after all these years I still find it hard.  It was never a big celebratory day for me, so I try to treat it like any other, but the truth is, it is a holiday when most are with their family and it's depressing to be alone...I try to treat it as any ordinary day, but deep inside I know better.

I'm glad you have your kids.  And I hope they bring you a smile today.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'll drink another glass of bubbly, tell him for the millionth time how much I love and miss him, ask him once again to wait for me, and then cry for the who-knows-how-many-times today.

It sounds like our feelings are the same.  I don't cry much on the outside anymore, it's all done on the inside.  It's quieted down from the rawness into a kind of sadness that I carry inside of me.  Such is grief's way.

Very poignant posts ladies.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't cry much on the outside anymore, it's all done on the inside. 

I thought I was heading in that direction a bit.  I guess I am.  I've never been good at crying in front of people, not even my husband.  I was never the type of woman to use tears to get my way.  In fact, if something upset me enough to make me cry, I'd do my best to hold it in (not always successfully).

But last night, after I had long talks on the phone with our daughter and granddaughter, then my two sisters-by-choice and niece, I settled in for a quiet night.  I read the paper, had mac and cheese (kind of a "who gives a crap about calories tonight?" dinner), and drank some bubbly, but then things went downhill.  I was talking to my husband as I was getting ready to shower and absolutely lost it.  I am mostly over sobbing for an hour at a time, but that's what happened.  I could not stop.  I kept talking to him while I was crying because I miss him so much, and I'm still feeling angry and bereft.

I'm not and have never been angry with him because he didn't do anything wrong.  But I keep feeling like maybe we were never promised that life would be "fair," but shouldn't it be "just"?  How is it right for really good men to suffer, while so many who are not keep thriving?  I think part of that is that my brother-by-choice, who also has health problems now, injured himself again because of them.  He is also a very good man.  He's smart, funny, kind, stubborn.  Basically, he's my husband's kindred spirit in many ways.  It's no wonder they were best friends. 

It's an amazing thing to be able to choose family and to have your two best friends be deeply connected to you.  My love and I introduced them to each other, but the two of them took it from there.  When their kids were growing up, strangers couldn't ever tell who the parents were because the two guys have similar heritage, backgrounds, and personalities, and so do we two gals.  After a while, you just say, "Thank you" when someone tells you what lovely children you have because it's all family anyway.

So to have our best friends apologizing because they couldn't be here due to health complications was maybe too much a reminder of how my husband kept apologizing to me.  They felt so guilty to have me here on my own that I had to give him in particular "the mantra" of "This is not my fault."  She and my husband were friends in a way some people thought was strange.  More than once casual friends would ask "Aren't you jealous that they're so close?"  Gee, no.  Either I trust that my husband and best friend love me and wouldn't betray me or I don't.  There's no in between. I was thrilled that they had such a lovely connection and never once had a moment's pause about it.  It's no surprise that our best friends are the only people I feel truly comfortable with right now.

Anyway, all that kept going through my mind while I struggled with the knowledge that 2018 will always have been the worse year of my life and that 2019 is stretching in front of me as an unknown, dark and lonely road.  So as much as I wanted to believe that I'd be "okay" last night, I wasn't.  On the plus side, I decided to take the full dose of my meds and actually slept for 9 hours, only waking up twice.  It didn't make this morning any easier, but at least I wasn't also physically exhausted.

I wish for all of us to make it through 2019 just a little bit easier than last year.

[KayC]

foreverhis,

I'm sorry it was such a hard night, alas grief is like that, hitting us in waves, I learned to just flow with it, I can get them even now, although it happens less often.  Tears can be part of our processing our grief and I think of them like the release valve on a pressure cooker, so we don't implode!

For those who haven't cried:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/07/in-grief-when-tears-wont-come_14.html

For those who do:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html

[foreverhis]

@KayC  Thank you so much.  This is exactly the kind of thing, links and advice from someone who's "been there, cried that," that is helpful to we who are new to this kind of grief.  You have got to be an incredibly strong woman who had an amazing husband to have made it so many years, gained so much insight, and be willing to share it.

I appreciate it and believe others do too.