Walking Dead

[adventure]

Tom's been gone 7 months on Christmas Day. I was a walking dead person. Yesterday would have been my 34th wedding anniversary to my first husband, Tor. I always take the day off of work to quietly remember. I was a walking dead person, not even getting out of bed, so the walking part isn't even true.

I barely had tears for Tor. I love him, that hasn't changed, but I'm only focused on Tom. I'm not me. I died with each of these men. 

I spent a minute on Facebook, and my niece posted a picture of my sister and her 22 month old son from 2000. They were so young. They died in a car accident on December 23, 2000. It's overwhelming. She was 26.

Im just taking it minute to minute and breathing. I don't see any future. I've walked this grief path so many times that I know it's a long, lonely, angonizing path. It takes a very long time until peace starts to come. 

But it's different this time. Tom was my future. He was my goals. After Tor died I had children and my education to focus on. The emptiness is overwhelming and the future looks bleak. 

Im a nurse and I was looking forward to getting out of it. I was going to quit in July. He died in May. Now I have to stay. Healthcare is difficult to work in. I have 12 hour days and come home to utter emptiness after giving 100% physically, mentally and emotionally. I'll stay away from my rant about the horrible conditions of healthcare. 

I'm usually a positive person. That seems to have died too. I'm not heartbroken, my heart died with him. The tears are becoming less because I'm becoming hollow. Starting a new day is unbearable. I can hardly get dressed, it takes too much energy. 

And I feel inhuman that I can't feel Tor, my first husband? I can't feel his love or mine towards him. I really can't stand myself. This is a living hell. 

 

[HPB]

No words are adequate to respond to the torment you're in.

 "Walking dead person"  ...me too. I can hardly breathe today  ...after 8 months. Why is it getting worse than better? Why are we not told the rules of this nightmare we're in? What is it that we're still supposed to learn in this apparent classroom called earth, after we have been robbed of everything that was precious to us? And we're left behind heartbroken, smashed to a thousand pieces,

and basically with no energy left;  ...for "inner or outer spiritual growth", or whatever?!

But most probably here there are no rules. Tragic, unfortunate random events;  rain dropping on the just as on the unjust...

Will we ever understand the reason for our randomly caused suffering, when - one day to come - we'll get behind the veil? Even if it will be the case, but then how can this possibility help us now?

I have no answers. Just enough pain to only move from one minute to the next.

44 minutes ago, adventure said:

This is a living hell. 

It is!  

"...I too wrestle with wanting to leave this world on the first flight out, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. ..."

(Quote from bradley1985, posted June 14, 2017)

 

[Brazil Man]

55 minutes ago, HPB said:

.after 8 months. Why is it getting worse than better? Why are we not told the rules of this nightmare we're in?

That's it, the pain seems to become worst as time goes by. For me it's been 7 months since I lost my wife and I miss her more than never.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, adventure said:

And I feel inhuman that I can't feel Tor, my first husband? I can't feel his love or mine towards him. I really can't stand myself. This is a living hell. 

It's not that you don't have love for him, it could be that the grief is overshadowing your feelings.  You expressed it pretty well..this is hard to adjust to and I'm not sure we ever do so fully...I have learned to coexist with my grief, it's never absent from me.  

I am sorry for all of your losses, I have them too, my parents, most of my aunts and uncles, grandparents, niece, nephew, husband, countless pets, friends, and this year my oldest sister.  With each one we are reminded of unwanted changes that occur in our lives, whether we want them or not.  I have never gotten over the death of my husband, and I realize that grief doesn't have an expiration date.  It's taken immense effort to build a life I could live, but it little resembles the life I had with George, he was definitely the sunshine in my heart and soul.

We can't change your circumstances, but we're here to listen whenever you care to talk.  (((hugs)))

[adventure]

The only difference for me is the rawness has diminished. It’s still incredibly painful to start each new day but it’s not the slap in the face shock that put me on my knees the first 4-5 months. 

I’m trying to be positive and grateful for the time we had together. That doesn’t last longer then a day. 

He was always with me in my thoughts but we would spend the end of our day together. Now there is no closure to my thoughts. That’s all I’m left with...thoughts. Memories are too painful. They make we want more time with him. They make him feel farther away. 

I’m just absolutely lost. I’m not me. In the past with the other losses, I found time alters this to be almost livable. It never leaves, you just learn to live with it. The loss, the emptiness. 

I don’t feel that this time. I feel this darkness will never go away. 

[KayC]

You will learn to live with it, it just takes way longer with this than other losses, this one, like you say, sends you to your knees.  That the rawness is diminished is something to appreciate.  Any minute diminishing at all!  No we're not ourselves afterwards, we change.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Although my losses are different (loss of mother and two brothers). I share in everything you all have written. I have those thoughts and emotions too. I have empathy for all of you and you’re in my thoughts. Sending love and wishes for some peace in all of our hearts.