Christmas with one less parent

[Mush221090]

I lost my father when I was 19 years old in the month of March. It’s now been 8 years since he has left us and no matter what I do, Christmas just never feels the same. 

Every year since he has passed I have dreaded Christmas because of the grief that comes with it. 

I have since have had a daughter and thought when she was born this would lift all the ache that was left. And that dark hole that my dad had left would be filled.  

But no. 

My daughter is now 3 and as much as I adore her enjoying Christmas now and seeing the pure joy on her face on the upcoming weeks building to the big day.. 

there is always this feeling that something is missing. 

Maybe it’s because his death was so sudden with no sign? He was only 52 so am I just thinking that he should still be here? I feel robbed. And broken because my daughter never met her grandad. 

And everytime this part of the year comes round I feel isolated, depressed and because no one has had the heartache I have had.. not even my mum as she has her dad with her still.

 I feel low and sad and that hole in my soul seems to break open bigger this time of year. 

Ive never spoken about this with anyone before and now starting to realise that I need to. I really really need to express how I feel about my loss as it is starting to effect my everyday life. 

I used to be so good at keeping it hidden. Shrug it off. You’re a man Ben, deal with your emotions internally like the MAN, you’ve lost the man that always did, and never shown a sign of cracking. 

But I’m sorry dad I can’t. And maybe if your dad left this world before you did maybe you’d feel different. 

I am literally just mind farting all over this page now and babbling on with no real sense of where I’m going. 

Interested to see the response if any. 

If there is none, then **** it. I’m happier now speaking my heart through an iPad than I ever have before. 

I really hope I’m not alone in the loss I’ve had and I know it’s been 8 years but this **** is still fucking hard ok. 

Love to you all that have lost those close to you. I know people are way worse off than me but a loss is a loss it’s what it means to you in your heart not by the title that they are to you  

 

[reader]

Dear Ben,

Thank you for taking the time to share your feelings with us. It is hard. Losing a beloved parent is devastating and it is not something any of us can forget or move on easily from. It takes a long time to adapt and incorporate this loss into our lives.

I'm with you. I too desperately wished my dad was still here and able to see his grandchildren grow up.

I use to ignore my feelings but losing my dad was the rawest I've ever been in my life. Part of grieving is expressing ourselves. Everyone grieves differently so please know there is no right way or wrong way. And if you want to maybe consider grief counselling or joining a support group in the community or through church.

Every holiday season is a trigger for me as well. I want so much for my dad to be alive and here with us....just a little longer.

Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. We are all in this together.

Take care.