Dealing with Double Tragedy in 2018

[Glolilly]

Hello on Christmas. I have been off awhile. I lost my husband unexpectedly January 6, 2018 at age 57. My sister and her husband Kelvin took me and my college sons under their wings. But then my sister lost Kelvin, age 53 on September 26, 2018 from heart failure suddenly, wearing a pacemaker 4 years. This was only 8 months later!!!  I broke down screaming and crying when I received the text after getting up for work that morning. I thought no this can't be happening. He was in the shower.  So now I am trying to comfort her while I am still not believing my Shannon is gone from sudden cardiac arrest just 11 months ago!  I almost wonder IF the 25 years of marriage was worth this pain I am now experiencing....as I have some friends who never got married. I AM grateful and loved him very much BUT I hate the pity in people's words and eyes. I am not proud but I have always been low keyed. I am a strong Christian but can't see how all of this pain is "working for my good?" I keep wondering if I will be happy in the next 20 years since so many here say "it's never better" after so many years. I don't think God wants us to live miserable here on out but that's all I hear. Also I feel obligated to my 2 adult college sons to be like a dad to them. But I am a woman. I am the only one working so I feel a heavier weight to do everything right. My sister says she doesn't want to live alone for 20 years but our church has very slim pickings. I feel sorry for us both. We sit together at church and I'm sure people point and say, two widow sisters, isn't that sad. She was married for 32 years with four children. We both took really good care of our husbands and feel this is a horrible tragedy that we both didn't deserve. I know nobody didn't deserve this but it seems so unfair and rare to take from two Christian sisters in the same year! I now look around at church and see lots of older widows and wonder why women have to be left alone when we are the weakest gender. I used to look around to see if I saw any available guys my age who had no health problems. After looking around for months I soon realized it was just a repair for insecurity I felt.  Anyway I now go to sleep counting how many years I may have to live this lonely life. How long I may need to live to see my sons get on their own. Strange that I married my husband a year after he lost his father at age 58 years old and my husband died at 57. I never got to meet him. So my oldest son, age 25 said I guess my wife won't get to meet my dad like you didn't meet his dad. I said yep I guess so. What  is the meaning of these two tragedies? Why are women outliving men? Why are men dying younger nowadays? I just don't understand it at all. Well, I'm leaving in the morning to go to a "Airbnb condo rental alone 3 hours away so I can let this all sink in".  Praying for all people with losses because I never knew people suffered like this so hard . Love, Gloria

[Marcel]

7 hours ago, Glolilly said:

 I keep wondering if I will be happy in the next 20 years since so many here say "it's never better" after so many years

It's true that quite a few people here say that they won't be happy anymore but there are also occasional posts to the opposite. But you have to remember that those who find new love or other new fulfillment in life are less likely to come here and post than those who still struggle. And even the latter will have happy moments in their lives.
So don't try to calculate your chances of happiness by the posts in this forum. Take life and your grief one step at a time and see where it takes you.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Glolilly said:

I don't think God wants us to live miserable here on out but that's all I hear.

A large degree of it is up to us...resilience, looking for joy, our outlook, all of that we determine...the circumstances, not so much.  We didn't have control over losing them, adjusting to living without them is HUGE and takes so much time, way more than a year for sure!  Is there any good coming in life after?  Yes.  Some people actually reject it though, so it's important to not only look for it but embrace it when it comes, to not "compare" because comparisons are killers not only of joy but they invalidate other's feelings as well.  Throw away comparing.

How is your sister doing?  It hasn't been that long and now both of you dealing with Christmas upon you.  I don't know what I'd do with the holidays if not for my kids.  It's important to have someone, friends, family.

When you hear there's no good left in life remember that's mostly coming from people who haven't been through it long enough to see it, long enough to adjust, they are deep in the throes of grief.  

You ask if it's worth it, yes, to me it is, absolutely, no doubt about it!  I am so glad I had that time with George!  His love holds me a fills me, for the rest of my life and beyond.

[Glolilly]

Thanks for the replies even a nurse of 34 years needs a listening ear especially now. 

@ Marcel,  you're right because when I have a great product, I still read many negative complaints or store reviews.  I do notice that the happy customers rarely go back and comment. So no I shouldn't calculate the posts as a general overview of all widowed persons.

@ KayC  you are truly a God sent  counselor for us just starting out here. My sister is doing fair imo for the timeframe. She married younger and was married longer than I. She tells me she is not in shock and is doing ok but her actions says otherwise. She doesn't want to leave the house much, didn't want to get out of town with me on this 2 day trip, stopped cooking so ate over my house for Christmas... I remember having no energy to cook at month 1-4. She  said she wasn't ready yet to get out of town. Cries in church, goes down for prayer often. I cry  only occasionally in church but did more also at the beginning, especially with sad slow christian songs. 

I have embraced joy and some happy moments at times. My biggest thing right now is whenever my youngest son repeats to me that he's going to join the army when he  finishes his last year of college I cry. I don't have the strength to argue him out of his choice. So then afterwards I'll moan for my husband because of the pressure on me. 

 I guess I can't have my cake and ice cream too so I'll be glad for the loving 25 years and pay the cost of love gone. I believe like you said, it will take awhile to adjust to a new life without him, more than a year. I try so hard to have people see me doing fine because they ask the same question over and over, how are you doing. I don't want them to think I'm a nut case and be avoid me in public.

All of my husband friends and connections are 90% gone. Neighbors walk up to me in my yard now and ask whatever they feel. I still feel like half a person most of the time but I'm functioning. I was more active in my former smaller church  I attended so I sit a lot in this larger church and feel useless. Surely he wants me to be more active later on I hope. Doing good under the circumstances with praying, buying many self-help books and staying busy. Thanks for the good advice.

[KayC]

It will be good that you and your sister can turn to each other as you go through your grief journeys together, you will understand each other.  I made a close friend after George died and we went through it together but now she's moved to TX and remarried.  I have lots of friends who are widowed though, I didn't in the early years.

Try not to worry about your son, he may or may not follow through on his plans, things can change a lot with young people.  He may meet the love of his life in college and that could change things.  Try to stay in today as much as you can, that's enough to deal with!  They say most of what we worry about never comes to fruition anyway, I'm sure that's true, I'm a natural born worrier!  I have to constantly give things to God or my anxiety would be the death of me!