The Weight is getting heavy

[RWD]

Where to start? Dad passed away August 9^th 2018. In July he went in for a pain in his side, they have no idea what the pain was but did see a large mass in his liver. Things went downhill at the speed of light after that. First Dr visit 6 months to a year to live til 2 weeks later his liver shut down. I didn’t want him spending his last days in a hospital, I had hospice plant his bed right in the middle of the living room so we could all spend as much time as we could with him. Mom and Dad had just closed on selling their house before we got the news. Their out date was Aug 12^th,  I have 2 useless brothers and a great sister. During the day time my sister took care of mom and Dad while I put the whole place in a box for the move. At night I slept in the recliner beside Dad just holding his hand. He went into a coma from the toxins in his body a week before passing, he died in my arms early in the morning of Aug 9^th as I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him and did my best to console my mother and sister, brothers nowhere to be found.

That next morning Mothers Doctor called to inform us she had lung cancer. On the 10^th was the big move, called friends and family to take care of grieving mother sister while I got Mom moved. Still no sighs of brother’s, funeral came and went and I did think it went well as it could. I had to go to emergency room for a shot of whatever they hell it took in my right, wrist, elbow, shoulder and back to keep me going. Have needed surgery in those 4 areas for never damage and have been putting it off because I knew they were planning on moving and would need my help.

We got Mom started on chemo a month ago, it didn’t go as well as it could, she got ? C Diff infection both times and thinks she is ready to give up because of bad diarrhea.

So here I sit Christmas morning getting prepared to go into battle. I had 2 of the 4 surgery’s needed on my wrist and elbow, been laying on couch the past 4 days trying to heal up as much as I can to make the 2 hour drive to Evansville to be with Mom. My sister is at her wits end with Mom who is I’m sure depressed and just ready to give up. I’m beat and exhausted myself, tried to take a quick vacation to Vegas last weekend to try and relax and got sick with flu 2^nd day and didn’t leave casino. On top of that forgot to mention the girlfriend that left me while I was away taking care of my dying father.

I knew some day my parents would pass and it would be hard, what I didn’t expect was the earth to open up and I’d fall into the pit of hell.

What I’ve been doing so far to help Mom apparently isn’t enough. I’d like to take her to her anyone of her Doctors and get her on antidepressants, I think she is on one or 2 “sleeping pills” and want to get her off those because I think she’s trying to sleep her grief away. And lastly find a grief group we can all 3 go to. I am not without damage from all this, although not an emotional type person I thought I’d break down later once at home when I got out of take care of everyone else mode. It didn’t happen and still hasn’t. Which has made me wonder if I’m truly heartless or what. Instead I’ve fell into this “ I don’t give a F about nothing attitude”

I welcome any and all advice on what I can do to help my mother.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

RWD,

I empathize with you. Having medical things you need to go through while also doing your best to take care of parents is more than hard. I put my care on the back burner to care for my mother (she too had cancer and passed away in July) and am now trying do my best to help my father and uncle after the loss of my brother and mother in this last year. There never is an exact answer for what course of actions to take. I do know that to help others we have to help ourselves first which is way wasier said than done. I have slowly implemented putting more of my self care back into motion, but it’s taking time and it always feels like there isn’t enough time and a lot of stress (which isn’t good for our bodies). I have neuropathy among other ailments. I too have experienced confusion when it comes to siblings and their actions or lack of and it is frustrating and makes me sad. I haved learned in my situation that I had to let go of what they weren’t able to do or help with. I also had to communicate directly several times and for months about what was needed. Every once in a while they did do the things I repeated over and over again. I think my one brother just felt like he didn’t know how to do things or wasn’t as capable and so he backed away. I tried to help him with that and encourage him that he was capable. It hasn’t been easy to turn over my thinking about it. It has taken concentrated effort. I only know that it was adding to my stress and wasn’t something I felt like I should keep focusing on because it took attention and energy away from myself and my focus on my parents. As for the antidepressents and sleeping pills, that is something I think that only a medical doctor should give advice on. As much as I think something like that could help my dad...he isn’t open to the idea and so again, I have switched gears and now focus on loving him, doing my best to communicate with him and be present at the times he’s willing to share. They aren’t often. So, I do the dishes, clean up, help with laundry, bills etc and lend and ear. It’s not easy because he is hurting so badly from the loss and at times combative. I remind myself that he has his in grieving process and as scared as I am about how he’s handling it, I know that I have to let him be how he needs to be. What I won’t do anymore is not take care of myself too while it’s going on. If someone isn’t willing to participate in their health and well being, I can only lead by example of taking care of myself and hope that they see that it is the way forward for them too. I show him compassion and also stand up for myself when I need to now as I was getting rolled over on. I communicate what I am willing to help with and try to be compassionate and walk away to give space when I can’t get through to him. I too feel like I’ve been dropped into a pit of hell a lot of the time. Not knowing which way is up or down and so I look at what’s in front of me day by day, trying not to futurize and to be in the moment. Day by day. I make lists and get done what I can. My heart and prayers are with you as you go through this. I know how overwhelming things are. I have and am still going through very similar things myself. The group meetings, therapy and speaking to the doctors were where I’ve been able to make small steps in the right directions and so I’m glad you have looked into that. I know we all wish there was a simple answer or formula on how to deal, cope, make decisions and be able to save our loved ones and there isn’t. I often think, if they would listen and take advice it could go smoother. But they are stuck in there ways, detachment keeps their minds safe subconsciously. Hold onto to hope. Small victories. Give hugs and love to her and don’t give up. Take care of yourself the best you can and look for those that are willing to help and that show kindness and don’t let the relatives that can’t or won’t help bring you down. I still don’t understand why some of my family members and friends left me solo in the journey’s of losing my mom and brother. But I forgive them for my own peace and pray for them because I’m sure that they are hurting and there are things about them, as to why they made the choices that they did in not being able to help more. Months later I now see and believe they did the best they could. It’s a learning process and I’m glad I was and am here for my family. I won’t ever have a regret about that and others that don’t step in have live with that heartbreak. It’s sad and as I heal I feel more for them. We’re all made different and some of us are just chosen to be the ones who bear the brunt of it all. You, me, and others on this forum who are living this. We are strong even when we don’t feel it and are unsure of what to do. It definetly sounds like you are doing a lot and I’m sure your parents see, feel and know it. You love them and they love you. You’re not heartless, as you said you are questioning that. It’s shock and distress and your mind in fight or flight doing it’s best to grasp the incomprehensible. Hugs, hang in there. We are with you.