Members tlc Posted December 25, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 25, 2018 Well, I have survived my first Christmas without my Terry. How? I don't know. I suppose because there is no alternative. I don't mean to be really negative but I do actually mean that. This in limboness, this life between lives is somehow surreal and hard to explain. Yes, I am here. I am alive. I wake up each day and do what I want or need to do but without any joy at all. I am learning to be in a more peaceful place I suppose through time, reflection and meditation and have sort of come to a place of acceptance but that is not enough. It can never be enough. I just want to be with Terry.I feel a sense of gratitude for all that I do have but that still does not ease the pain. I am in a very lonely and solitary existance but that suits me. I do not want to go and join things and be with people, any people because I am alone. That's not me. When it boils down to it, I am lonely for Terry and no one else. I hope that others in this situation are dealing with this. There will be those surrounded by big supportive families and those who are alone like me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Brazil Man Posted December 25, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 25, 2018 51 minutes ago, tlc said: I am learning to be in a more peaceful place I suppose through time, reflection and meditation and have sort of come to a place of acceptance but that is not enough. It can never be enough. I just want to be with Terry. For me too, nothing is enough, I just want to be with Rosana. We loved to much, so we grieve to much. I am very sorry for you TLC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Membership HPB Posted December 25, 2018 Membership Report Share Posted December 25, 2018 2 hours ago, tlc said: I hope that others in this situation are dealing with this. There will be those surrounded by big supportive families and those who are alone like me. Alone too... But I turned down more than one invitation, so I can't complain when I'm alone. But I'm unable to be in the "normalness", happiness of the other people, this old world seems so far now. The sadness, desperation, and loneliness. Still overwhelming; for me it's not manageable, while others have their "toolbox". The candle on my small altar, burning every day since a felt eternity, has to replace the lacking light at the end of the tunnel. All the best for everyone here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted December 25, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 25, 2018 yuck.....my only words xo to all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted December 25, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 25, 2018 2 hours ago, HPB said: The sadness, desperation, and loneliness. Still overwhelming; for me it's not manageable, while others have their "toolbox". The candle on my small altar, burning every day since a felt eternity, has to replace the lacking light at the end of the tunnel. All the best for everyone here! I've always shared that a toolbox can only get me through a moment. Today the toolbox isn't working. there are days where I can only breathe through the unbearable. Today is the unbearable and I hope for just a ray of sunshine, strong breath and the ability to stay in the present the best I can even if that means being present with the loneliness, sadness and as always that feeling of despair. My thoughts are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted December 25, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 25, 2018 10 hours ago, tlc said: When it boils down to it, I am lonely for Terry and no one else. I've thought about this so often. It's not that I'm alone most of the time or that I'm simply lonely. I want him here, sitting in his chair or snugged up on the sofa or saying something funny to make me laugh or coming up behind me while I'm cooking, putting his arms around me, and kissing my neck or cheek. He asked me about 6 weeks before he died, when there was still a bit of hope, to tell him 10 things I wanted to do with him. You know, kind of a "bucket list." I told him a few things we were in the middle of doing or had planned, but then I said, "I don't really have 10 things. I just want you home with me. If all we ever do from now on is stay home together, I'll be content." Today, right now where I am, is the second Christmas in 35 years without my love. The first was 10 years ago because he got snowed in (and I got snowed out) after our granddaughter popped out nearly a month early. I had had surgery and wasn't allowed to fly, by the time I could, no one was getting in or out. I was glad he was with our girls and knew we'd have our own time when he came home in January. We talked on the phone extensively at least once a day. It was weird, but not sad. I couldn't help but reflect on that this morning, waking up alone, and knowing it would always be like this. I asked myself how I could possibly stand it, how my heart could possibly keep beating. You're right that it's a matter of having no choice and that it is living without joy. I'm proud of you for making it through the day and appreciate your wishes that we can all do the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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