A new type of pain

[foreverhis]

The holidays and coming up to Christmas really haven't been worse for me than every other horrible day.  But here's a new type of pain.  I don't know how often this happens to others.

In the mail today there was a fancy envelope from a cremation/inurnment company.  It was addressed to my husband and said basically that he really should be thinking about the future, etc. and should attend one of their local seminars.  I know it's not intentional, but the stab to my heart, the queasy feeling in my stomach aren't any less.  This isn't the first thing like it.  There have been other "death planning" offers, health insurance ads, and similar items, all addressed to my husband.  I've called some of the places and told them to take him off their mailing list.  A couple of times I've stated outright how painful it is to receive these unsolicited mailings and asked if anyone is bothering to check their databases.  I mean, two of the mailings were from his previous Medicare supplement insurer making sure he's going to renew for next year.  They freaking have the information about his death in their files and on the computer.  Yeah, thanks for making my day worse!

Do others get these types of mailings?  If you so, how do you handle them?

[Michelene]

My husband was scheduled for his stress test at noon, he went into cardiac arrest at 6 am. After everything failed, I staggered over to the heart clinic, same hospital, to cancel the appointment. I was sobbing. Later on (days) I received a call wanting to know why my husband hadn't shown up for his stress test. Went through the whole thing again. Got a bill from the insurance charging me for it.  This is all within the same hospital system. 

 

I am sorry for your loss and all that comes with it. 

 

[foreverhis]

@Michelene  Thank you for sharing that with me. What you went through is worse.  And it clearly went on and on causing you unnecessary stress and added pain.  I'm sorry you had to deal with bureaucracy run amuk.

It's comforting in a way to know I'm not alone in this.  I just wish none of us were dealing with it at all.

[Michelene]

I don't know about better or worse, but when someone in a bureaucracy IS sensitive, I tell them so and thank them. 

[Spengler]

I had something like this happen, but with a bank a couple of weeks after my wife passed away. They canceled our credit card abruptly, and without notice. The account was in my wife's name, though I had a card with my name on it issued to me.  I had canceled our other credit cards years ago, not wanting to deal with the hassle of multiple cards. So, no credit card, and no credit. Didn't even get an apology from the bank. Then I got multiple phone calls and mailings from their estates department demanding I do extensive paperwork, even though I had already done that paperwork at the local branch. Total insensitivity from the national office, though I did get a measure of sympathy from the manager at the branch.

 

That is the way it goes when dealing with government, institutions, and corporations. You get, at best, perfunctory or pro forma sympathy. But all they really care about is profit and their jobs. It's unfortunate.

Occasionally, you find a rare individual who cares and reaches out to you. But, it doesn't happen often.

[ModKatB]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

  They freaking have the information about his death in their files and on the computer. 

 

 I moved from Florida back to Georgia to be with my daughter and now they are sending things to him at this address and he never lived here. I finally just started sending things back unopened and put on the outside that he is deceased and never lived here. It is so sad that these companies don't take the time to update their systems when they have the information.

 

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

In the mail today there was a fancy envelope from a cremation/inurnment company.  It was addressed to my husband and said basically that he really should be thinking about the future, etc. and should attend one of their local seminars.  I know it's not intentional, but the stab to my heart, the queasy feeling in my stomach aren't any less.  This isn't the first thing like it.  There have been other "death planning" offers, health insurance ads, and similar items, all addressed to my husband.  I've called some of the places and told them to take him off their mailing list.  A couple of times I've stated outright how painful it is to receive these unsolicited mailings and asked if anyone is bothering to check their databases.  I mean, two of the mailings were from his previous Medicare supplement insurer making sure he's going to renew for next year

This is common.  Very common!  If you have the energy to make these contacts then do it but you are running low on energy. Just toss soliciting mail in the trash or think of doing a "return to sender."  You never know. It my work and seems easier than making those emotional calls to solicitors. 

Anything with the government is off regardless what you may think is in the computer. There will be some calls you will need to make but pick and chose from that that is necessary and that that is not.

I had two situations that needed a response. The phone calls were not working.  I took the death notice and sent it in.  It may not have been necessary but for me emotionally it was worth it. I never heard from either again. 

[Moment2moment]

On mail I wrote "return to sender, deceased". The rest I just tossed. Eventually it has stopped coming. It is what it is. I don''t take any of it to heart.

[foreverhis]

Thank you so much everyone for your consoling stories and wise words.  Even though I know none of these mailings are "personal," I guess today's was the one that pushed me over the edge.  Maybe because it's Christmas eve, I am feeling fragile; far more so than I realized.  I won't have family here until about the 28th.  Fortunately, neighbors who are also friends invited me to a simple supper with another neighbor whose hubby is out of town this Christmas.  Without pushing or nagging, they've taken care of me in ways I didn't expect.  But I'm really shaky now that I'm home.

Anyway, I like the idea of simply writing on the formal mail "Return to sender" and "Deceased" where appropriate.  I'll continue to throw out the more generic mailers.

 I knew you all would come through with good advice.

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, Spengler said:

You get, at best, perfunctory or pro forma sympathy.

Yes. And then comes the inevitable social convention at the end of the conversation:  "Have a good day." or some variation of that.  I usually just say "Thanks" or "You too," but I'm thinking "Did you forget why I called?  Did it slip your mind that I just lost my husband and don't have good days?"  Then I hang up the phone and let it go.  Still, I've been amazed with how often that happens when I've called the estate department of an institution.  That's what they do all day, for crying out loud.

But there have been a number of professional people I've dealt with who have been genuinely sympathetic.  I'm always appreciative when they manage to be understanding while at the same time handling whatever it is I've called about.

 

[Marcel]

Sorry you had to go through this when you're least prepared to handle §#%* like that.
After my wife died I informed the important institiutions like banks, land registry office, tax office etc. but I didn't have the energy to inform everyone. So I still get letters and bills adressed to both of us.
I don't mind that much. Her name is still on the mail box as I still consider this our house. It may be another sting in the heart every time I receive a letter adressed to both of us but it's way less of a sting than waking up every morning with noone beside me.

[foreverhis]

@Marcel  It's interesting you mention it being "our" house.  I went to the bank where we have our everyday checking account to have the account changed.  The manager said I don't have to do that if I don't want to and that if anything might be coming in with his name on it, I should wait anyway.  I've decided to keep his name on that account permanently.  It's "ours" and I'm simply not ready to make everything "mine" alone.  I haven't even taken his name off the deed of trust on the house.  I will only do that when the time comes to put it in a trust so our daughter doesn't have to go through probate.

You make a good point about the tiny sting of pain from how mail is addressed versus the actual, constant pain of waking up and going through the day.  Thanks for putting it in perspective for me.  It helps.

[KayC]

George and I shared our email and paypal and eBay accounts. One day I was at work and he called, he wanted to buy a welder on eBay but it wouldn't work.  I told him to start a new account and use my work email since our other one was already in use.  Bought the welder, never thought twice about it.  After he died, I merged our eBay accounts and I tried to cancel his Paypal account so they'd quit emailing my work email.  They wouldn't let me.  I told her he was dead, explained what happened, she asked to talk to him!  I said, "I'd like to talk to him too, but I already told you he was dead!"  Got nowhere with her.  The next day I faxed his driver's license, electric bill and a form to them, pretending to be him, and they deleted his account, after already being notified he was dead!  The IRS was easy to deal with, eBay a piece of cake, Paypal, not so much!

This is the kind of stuff we don't need.

[foreverhis]

@KayC  Oh good grief!  Your response of "I'd like to talk to him too" is perfect.  Unbelievable that you had to go through all of that.

No, we do not need that kind of stress.

[DavidFarlow]

sorry to hear this.