DOING MY BEST

[LeannC45]

First I would like to wish everyone here a Merry Christmas. I know that for me I am starting to feel anxiety and a heaviness in my heart that feels very overwhelming. I am putting a photo album together for my sister in-laws of my husband and it is causing so much pain. My beautiful husband that I was lucky enough to have in my life for almost 18 years. When I look at how young and in love we were it brings a smile but also a stabbing pain like my soul has been ripped out. I just can't believe that, that part of my life is over. It wasn't ENOUGH......No where near enough but it is over just the same. I want to curl up in a ball forever but I know somehow I have to take another step and another step forward to a destination unknown. To my sweet husband I love you and I will see you again.

[KayC]

Oh Leann, I feel as you do...it wasn't enough, not nearly!

[Jamiei]

I look at pictures everyday and it has become so very painful! I don’t even recognize myself anymore! I truely don’t even look the same as I did last year. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in 10 months. I framed a picture of Us for a gift for my daughter and threw it away! I can’t wait till this month is over! 

[Brazil Man]

13 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I just can't believe that, that part of my life is over.

Yes, LeannC45. There are things in life that are just unbelievable.

[LeannC45]

13 hours ago, Jamiei said:

I look at pictures everyday and it has become so very painful! I don’t even recognize myself anymore! I truely don’t even look the same as I did last year. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in 10 months. I framed a picture of Us for a gift for my daughter and threw it away! I can’t wait till this month is over! 

I feel the exact same way. I look worn out and my skin is beat up. Losing my husband changed me, it took the part of me that lived carefree. Not without worry or problems but the part of me that knew what my life consisted of. I no longer have any direction and don't understand what my purpose is anymore. I think the reality of being alone is terrifying and something I struggle with everyday. I truly wish you a happy holiday. I know exactly how you are feeling.

[KayC]

It is another thing to accept, us growing older, even looking older, while they are immortalized in our minds.  I know this, George would love me still, aging and all.

[Sunflower2]

This thread explains life at this moment during the holidays! I almost started a new post with the same thoughts. 

19 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

 I know that for me I am starting to feel anxiety and a heaviness in my heart that feels very overwhelming.

no words again.  Just so heavy!!!!!! 

 

19 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

stabbing pain like my soul has been ripped out.

again no words for this. a feeling I've never known before!  A feeling no one can understand unless they have experienced a loss of this magnitude.

 

19 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I want to curl up in a ball forever but I know somehow I have to take another step and another step forward to a destination unknown. To my sweet husband I love you and I will see you again.

this is where we have to really work on being mindful and staying in the present. At least I have to try to do this. when that need to curl up is needed I do it and finding a weighted blanket to be very calming. 

 

34 minutes ago, LeannC45 said:

I look worn out and my skin is beat up. Losing my husband changed me, it took the part of me that lived carefree. Not without worry or problems but the part of me that knew what my life consisted of. I no longer have any direction and don't understand what my purpose is anymore. I think the reality of being alone is terrifying and something I struggle with everyday.

that bursting feeling of joy is absent.  The safe spaces feel empty. You say it so well. 

[Sunflower2]

for this moment I'm stepping out of grief and utilizing contacts that will not be part of my new family but enough that it provides a distraction.  I will return to the depths of grief later if grief decides to visit. A new space with an acquaintance...the food is the incentive.  Healthy kosher food all cooked in house. 

My heart and love is with everyone as we heal and inch toward the light....carrying all the beauty of our loved ones.

[KayC]

I love how you express things, you could be an author, your posts are inspirational.

[Sunshine247]

I feel the same way and am just trying to get through the next two weeks. This is a hard time of year for so many, and for those of us who this is the "first" it is especially uncertain - we don't know how to deal with this, we haven't done it yet and we don't know what to expect or what will happen. All we can do is trust that the love that we share with our husband/wife/partner will fill us up and carry us and keep us strong. I have been practicing this when the grief gets too overwhelming - I just tell Bob (and God) - I just can't handle this and can't deal with it and can't manage it, so you're going to have to take over. I am learning to love and live in separation. My life will never be the same and I can't imagine it ever being even half as good. Just stay strong and carry on - that's all that we can do. Sending lots of love and peace to all of you and wishing you happy holidays, Merry Christmas and a peaceful New Year. I think I am dreading that more than Christmas - I don't want this year to end because it is the last year that Bob was here with me. And I really don't have anything to look forward to next year, except Bob's celebration of life in Mexico. I am looking forward to that because I will be surrounded by lots of love and good friends. 

[Sunflower2]

3 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

I'm stepping out of grief and utilizing contacts that will not be part of my new family but enough that it provides a distraction.

I've returned.  It was a perfect distraction, a brief space to bring newness and set my grief aside for a moment.  I share this as my process for those so new on this journey and for those not too far behind me. When I left for that brief "outing" I was in deep grief where I was feeling hopeless, confused, no direction, no community, unstable. Feeling all the despair others were experiencing as LeannC45 started the new post for today.  My heart needed a break as it was so much in deep pain and "my soul felt ripped out." I didn't feel I was at any time stuffing my emotions.  I utilized that moment and those individuals for a needed retrieve. I appreciated the conversations of life and joy....the beauty of the universe.  I'm now home.  Looked at a picture of "us" and acknowledged my sadness and let the tears come as they need be.  Now I will curl up with my weighted blanket and let the day and emotions be as they come and go.  I had hoped to do a couple "adulting" errands afterwards instead I knew I had enough for today. Had I pushed myself to "do" more every effort I took just to get out to find a calm would have backfired.  This is grief,  Knowing when to hold and when to fold is the healing process. 

I am ending this with tears flowing.  For those so new on this  journey  this is the tapestry of grief. This is the lightness and darkness. Even with rays of lightness we are still in a darkness place in our lives. What we knew no longer is,  We miss our loved ones from every bone, every tissue, every cell in our bodies. . Our loved ones were us. Yet beyond the horizon there will be new beginnings. Different. I will slowly in time allow myself to be open to the beauty and love that still exist in our world. I have to survive. We all have to survive. We will. Meanwhile we are in darkness.

 

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, Sunshine247 said:

I have been practicing this when the grief gets too overwhelming - I just tell Bob (and God) - I just can't handle this and can't deal with it and can't manage it, so you're going to have to take over. 

I have and continue to do this when it becomes just too much.  It helps so much !!! I believe we all have . Another tool to help us navigate through this pain.

[foreverhis]

On 12/21/2018 at 12:11 PM, Sunflower2 said:

I utilized that moment and those individuals for a needed retrieve. I appreciated the conversations of life and joy.

When I visited family over Thanksgiving, I had many concerns, but did it anyway.  At one point, one of our very dear friends related something so funny, so ridiculous that we all laughed long and hard.  She looked at me and said, "I made you laugh?  I did!  I hope it gave you a moment to remember how much we all love you both."  It was really sweet, especially her pride in giving me a little joy.

[KayC]

I'm glad you're here Sunflower.  I've said it before, you really are inspirational, you lend a lot to this forum to giving people something to reach for...tools.

Foreverhis, I'm glad you got to laugh and spend time with close friends.

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

you really are inspirational, you lend a lot to this forum to giving people something to reach for...tools.

thank you. I don't know really KayC.   it may be part of a leftover skill maybe from my career.   knowledge is empowering but then I always believed knowledge is not therapeutic if the client or student isn't taught how to work the tools.  so lets say I'm now re teaching and practicing this for myself and in the process just sharing,  Books were great during the initial shock but eventually you got to grab that toolbox and get to work. I think id rather build a house than be in this place of processing grief.  LOL and I have no skills in that area!!!!! I cant even make sense of a blueprint

[Sunshine247]

@Sunflower2 - I can teach you how to read blueprints and anything you ever wanted to know about construction, permits, inspections, blah blah blah - I worked for an electrical contractor for 15 years  I might have missed it so sorry if I am repeating - were you/are you a therapist? Or related occupation? You do have some wonderful insight and suggestions that are so helpful. But there really isn't a How To Guide to Grieving and I'm not sure that it would be helpful anyway since everyone's loss is different and every person is different. Some people are better at accepting the "Circle of Life" and there are others who believe that letting go of grief means letting go of the person that they are grieving and letting go of love - which is simply not true. I am coming to terms with knowing that Bob would NOT want me to be sad ALL of the time and he would want me to be strong and carry on and find joy and happiness and most of all PEACE. I pray every morning just for PEACE - that God and Bob will fill me with enough love to carry me through that day and help me to find peace. It has been working most days. Yesterday and today have been a little tough but after being on this forum for a while I am feeling better - venting helps me release all of the pent up emotions. 

I find that I am MORE UPSET about the actions - or inactions as they are - of my family - that is a hurt that just has no explanation or reason and just does not go away no matter what I try to do. I expect nothing and they are not disappointing but I obviously subconsciously somewhere expect SOMETHING and when they don't even seem to care or notice it just hurts so much. I'm already raw and they just add insult to injury. 

[Sunflower2]

The insight is there.  We all have it. It's how we decide to use it. Even though we process our losses differently I did fine a few books and daily meditative passages that helped me tremendously.  The books helped me stabilize myself somewhat through that initial rawness and gut wrenching pain.  I did and still do find value in "grief guides and tips."  As with anything, we take out what resonates with who we are. What our gut feels right with. I continue to work with a therapist. I continue to journal. My toolbox is well equipped. Although sometimes I forget what tools to use.  Then there are times I know which tool to use but I don't have the energy to use it so I grab a lighter easier tool like curling up and detaching when it is needed. This forum helped during many dark moments.  It provided a light when there was no light. It still provides a light.  It was a place to vent without being judged. It still is a place to vent. There were members who came before me in grief that helped me see if I did one tiny step even if it was going to get a glass of water it was a step forward. There were many tips shared by members that I tried. 

 

I am no longer a practicing therapist.  It didn't make it easier to navigate through my loss.  We all have to work it and it is the most painful most difficult most darkest place to be. I never knew how excruciating painful it could be.  I could understand respect and acknowledge grief in others but never imagined the pain. I never knew what despair felt like.  

 

 

 

[Brazil Man]

11 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

there are others who believe that letting go of grief means letting go of the person that they are grieving and letting go of love - which is simply not true.

I think I am the kind of person that feels like that:  letting go of grief  = letting go my wife.

[tlc]

Brazil Man, I totally relate to that. As far as I am concerned I will be married to Terry until I go wherever it is that we go.  this is such a diificult time. Our first Christmas without the love of our life. How will we get through it? I don't know. I sit here tonight, alone, so lonely without him, crying from my soul!

[Brazil Man]

30 minutes ago, tlc said:

Brazil Man, I totally relate to that. As far as I am concerned I will be married to Terry until I go wherever it is that we go.  this is such a diificult time. Our first Christmas without the love of our life. How will we get through it? I don't know. I sit here tonight, alone, so lonely without him, crying from my soul!

Yes TLC, I am still married to Rosana and don't want to let her go. My first Chrismas without her will be pure sadness. It's hard to know that many other Christmases without
her will come. I have to be sad because her loss is a sad thing. It can't be different. I can't pretend to my self that I will be happy again someday.

[tlc]

No, nor can I. There can be no kidding oneself that things will get better and easier as time goes on. It just won't and we know it. I just want it to be over. I want to go home. The very best scenario, I am with Terry again. Alternative scenario, not here without the love of my life. Win, win. Worst scenario is having to endure this seemingly endless time alone. My thoughts are with you. It will be a difficult time for us. 

[Brazil Man]

TLC, your words sound so true. They say exactly what grieving means.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

I think I am the kind of person that feels like that:  letting go of grief  = letting go my wife.

Except it's not the grief that binds us to them, it's the love, and that continues even now.  When George was alive, our love existed without grief, and after he left, the love still exists, the grief is all my own, it's finding my way to adjust to this tremendous loss and everything it affects.

[Sunflower2]

6 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

letting go of grief  = letting go my wife.

This IS a very natural response Brazil Man to your loss.  This is where you are now.  Honor it.  It is where you need to be. I feel like this at times.  We want to hang on to them with every cell of our being. 

[Sunflower2]

4 hours ago, tlc said:

There can be no kidding oneself that things will get better and easier as time goes on. It just won't and we know it

Your loss is of magnitude proportions. You are just beginning this journey of such despair and pain.  We feel this. We felt this. It won't calm your storms now but I promise it will get lighter in time. Different but lighter. Not how we wanted it but in time we begin to feel a sliver of joy and light. 

[Sunflower2]

5 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

I have to be sad because her loss is a sad thing. It can't be different.

this is the space you need to be in. It will be a healing space for you!!!

I  accepted a commitment and I'm going to allow myself to decline if I feel I need to be by myself. in my sadness and in my stillness. 

[HPB]

21 minutes ago, KayC said:

When George was alive, our love existed without grief, and after he left, the love still exists, the grief is all my own

...but then I agree with Douglas H. Gresham, who states in the Introduction of "A Grief Observed" (free PDF here: https://freeditorial.com/en/books/a-grief-observed):

"...for the greater the love the greater the grief, (and  the  stronger the  faith  the  more  savagely  will  Satan  storm  its fortress.  ;-)  "

[Brazil Man]

Thank you KayC, Sunflower2 and HPB.
I don't know how to separate love from grieving. If I love her and she is gone, I grieve.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, HPB said:

...but then I agree with Douglas H. Gresham, who states in the Introduction of "A Grief Observed" (free PDF here: https://freeditorial.com/en/books/a-grief-observed):

"...for the greater the love the greater the grief, (and  the  stronger the  faith  the  more  savagely  will  Satan  storm  its fortress.  ;-)  "

That is for sure!  Our grief is for a lifetime, it doesn't have an expiration date, I've learned to live with it, to coexist with my grief.  I'm only saying it's not what holds us to them, it's our love and our love hasn't died along with their physical bodies.  Of course we grieve!  I do think it's in correlation to the relationship, the love that we shared.  That's why this has been the hardest loss to deal with in my entire life!  

[ModKatB]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

That is for sure!  Our grief is for a lifetime, it doesn't have an expiration date, I've learned to live with it, to coexist with my grief.  I'm only saying it's not what holds us to them, it's our love and our love hasn't died along with their physical bodies.  Of course we grieve!  I do think it's in correlation to the relationship, the love that we shared.  That's why this has been the hardest loss to deal with in my entire life!  

When I first started this journey I was so emotionally confused I really could not say what was up and what was down and was left feeling like everything was gone. Then as time has gone by I have found out that the only thing that I don't have is his physical person. I still have the memories of all the things we did together and the love we shared thru the years. Those memories are mine to keep forever. There are going to be many more times when I will miss him badly enough to make me want to hide but I will get thru those days when they come. I am going to hold on to the love we had and I know one day when my time is up here I will be with him again.

[KayC]

Kat, that is exactly what keeps me going and what I've learned to focus on foremost.