HELP: MY 2 and 8/12 YEAR OLD IS ASKING FOR HIS DAD.

[Nely]

It was exactly 8 months on 17.12.18 since my best friend, husband, confidant, lover passed. I have been struggling to understand and navigate life without him. We have a son, who is now 2 years and 7 months. He was a month away from his 2nd  birthday when we lost his father. He usually answers himself by saying "daddy has gone home" whenever he ask for his dad.

Things however took a different turn last night. He sounded more demanding, he wanted to know where his dad is. He asked me without blinking an eye. He asked for his dad. I was so shocked that I stood and looked at him without saying anything. When I found my voice I told him we will talk about it, though unsure what to say to him.

This morning, he work up woke up with the same question. He ran and placed his face on the pillow when I couldn't tell him where daddy is. He was visibly sad. He kept asking and I kept hurting.

I didn't know it will be this difficult with him. He has being asking for his dad since the incident but this time it's different and I worry about how to handle it.

I have been able to function again, at least go to work and return, because I found him as a purpose to continue living. Now I'm shaken because I see there's more to I just been here for him. I have to be able to support him and make him understand that daddy won't be with us on this world physically any more but I don't even know how to do that. PLEASE HELP ME.

He I am thinking of how to survive the holiday and what to Do and where to be and now this...please help me please.

 

[Sunflower2]

The only suggestion or thought I can share is that it may be wise to research working with a counselor.  Children, even at such a very young age, are part of this loss more than adults and our society acknowledge. There can be long term effects such as clinical depression. As a parent, even in your deep grief, it is wise to get support.  This forum is not able to provide that support your child needs at this time. This is not the place for me to provide the research and therapeutic documentation to support this.  A qualified child therapist works with you and the child.  There are play therapy sessions. It also can be a qualified therapist that works with you doesn't have to be a child therapist.   It does NOT have to be a grief therapist but can be one very knowledgeable in children. A qualified therapist will refer/guide you into additional resources and services as needs surface. A child is a precious gift!!!  My thoughts and heart are with you and your child. I pray you will find the supportive individuals to guide you in helping your child through this. 

[Nely]

Thank you@Sunflower2 for taking out time to respond to me. I'm grateful. I will look that way as suggested. I was only hoping that someone here will have the experience to share.

Thanks again

[Sunflower2]

47 minutes ago, Nely said:

Thank you@Sunflower2 for taking out time to respond to me. I'm grateful. I will look that way as suggested. I was only hoping that someone here will have the experience to share.

Thanks again

@Nely I'm so sorry. I may have posted in the mode of a therapist which I will not do here. I am here as a human in grief.  As adults we understand our vulnerability a child does not.  They are so fragile.  As members here I would believe we know that.  I also know many adults do not know that. 

These are not my personal experiences. If that makes sense.

I have experiences from a therapeutic practice. There would be of no benefit as they are not personal experiences.  This I can share comfortably.  An experience of a close friend who lost her husband and immediately addressed the emotional needs of her 2 year old son. She was amazing and the results 7 years later would not be as they are had she not been proactive. I can share she was in shock.  It was a suicide. She was of limited financial support. She had family support, her clients support and support from friends.  I do not know your situation. As to the specifics of her journeys it is not my place to share.  You know your situation. It is not my place to ask or know your situation. You will know what you want to share. What you need to share.   I can only share my observations of the determination of this young woman. She had much to navigate through on all levels. She understood and learned the process of grief in all its intensity.   I didn't lose the husband and I didn't have a child or children which makes the grief process complicated.  I would never not support the sharing of personal experiences. Everyone has to work it the way they can work it.  Yes members will have suggestions. There are members here who have children. I would hope they will share and support their personal experiences. Nely you will amaze yourself at what you can do for your child! 

Being a child advocate I may have come across in a way that can be misinterpreted.  I have no control over that.  

You too will find this determination for you child.  There is a parental inner strength that is there.

[Nely]

Thank you @Sunflower2. I appreciate you coming back to clarify and provide more insight.

I have made this point in another thread months back. My husband "is" My everything_friend, confidant, adviser, companion, lover, helper, you name it. You will be right to say I lost everything in a day. The most devastating thing is that it happened suddenly. I couldn't do anything at all for months, even to care for our son. About three MONTHS later,I began to do little for the child and looking at him, I believed he didn't deserve to loose both parents at such a tender age. I then made a conscious effort to "live" for him. You will be right to say that I am living now because I have a son to look after. 

I do all I can to make him happy even when deep down, I know I only force myself to do it because the love, happiness, fun that existed with my husband here with me vanish the very day he left for work and never came back.

I have pictures of my husband , alone and with us as a family hung every where in the living room because I want our son to remember his dad and never forget him.

I will appreciate advise and I will do all I can to make my son a success regardless of how my life has changed with this sad incidence. My life is changed forever but what can I say? 

My siblings were once very supportive but it seem they have more personal things to take care of. Aside my dad and my BoSs's wife, I don't really have support. I am navigating ALONE BASICALLY AS NOT EVERYTHING I CAN SHARE WITH THEM.

Thank you again.

[Sunflower2]

15 minutes ago, Nely said:

I am navigating ALONE BASICALLY AS NOT EVERYTHING I CAN SHARE WITH THEM.

nely you are doing beautifully in your efforts.  You are doing your best.   

I'm not an online communicator so I find it difficult to communicate this way.  I'm ok with it.  Know my thoughts and prayers are with you.  someone here will be coming to share their thoughts their support and their experiences. I'm hoping you found a little peace for the moment and trusting yourself. 

 

[Sunflower2]

17 minutes ago, Nely said:

I have pictures of my husband , alone and with us as a family hung every where in the living room because I want our son to remember his dad and never forget him.

 

19 minutes ago, Nely said:

I do all I can to make him happy even when deep down, I know I only force myself to do it because the love, happiness, fun that existed with my husband here with me vanish the very day he left for work and never came back.

He IS with you and your son! 

[HPB]

I'm very sorry I can't help; I have no kids. But recently I saw a documentary of a tragic death of a mother, leaving her husband and two kids behind. The children are much older than your son, but also here they were seeking out for help. To help the kids in their grief, the father reached out to a therapist (children psychiatrist?), and this therapist was working with the "play therapy session" as Sunflower2 mentioned. The video clip of the documentary is unfortunately in (Swiss)German, but maybe if you watch a few minutes from 23:55sec in the clip, it gives you an impression about it.

https://youtu.be/eSYZzxzDEqI?t=1435

I feel very helpless and sorry, I wished I could help you and your poor innocent son. I hope you will find the resources and energy to get support for both of you.

 

[KayC]

There are some children's books to help them understand death.  You might try one of those...

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/11/using-childrens-books-to-help-with.html

[Nely]

@HPB, how can I thank you enough for reaching out to me this much. I'm really grateful.

I will sure watch the clip and pick tips that will help me help on this journey. You have helped me in the way you can and I am grateful.

 

[HPB]

10 hours ago, Nely said:

He usually answers himself by saying "daddy has gone home" whenever he ask for his dad.

We all are walking through hell, but reading these lines above, and imagining this tiny boy asking where his daddy is makes me forget my own pain for a moment. This is truly heartbreaking. 

[Nely]

@HPB it's truly devastating and heart wrenching. I'm having to deal with so much that sometimes I wonder why it's me going through this sort of unimaginable pain.

Of my siblings and my circle of friends, no one has been through what I'm going through. Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong...

I can't even find the strength to put my experiences to words right now.

Thank you HPB for sparing some time for us. God bless you

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, HPB said:

This is truly heartbreaking. 

deeply  

[foreverhis]

10 minutes ago, Nely said:

Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong...

You did nothing wrong.  You did nothing to deserve this pain.  Please, I implore you to remind yourself of that as often as necessary.

I think we all feel a sense of "Why me? Why my love?  This is not fair."  And it is often so hard to put it into words, especially to people who've not gone through this.  I just turned 60 this year and know only one other person who has lost her spouse (3 years ago).  She is part of our extended family, was great friends with both me and my hubby, and has been of great support because she is understanding, but she also knows what not to say or do.

I'm sorry I have no advice for you regarding your son.  My daughter is an adult and our granddaughter is 10.  Our granddaughter has been going all over the place with emotions and reactions since July.  She adored her grandpa and he adored her. He spent basically 24 hours a day with her and our daughter for the first 6 weeks of her life.  The bond was tight and strong.  At first, she wouldn't talk about it and didn't want to talk to me because she was afraid to accept what happened.  She tried to comfort her mom, which is very typical.  Then about 1 month after, she absolutely lost it and could not keep her pain shoved down.  Our daughter called to say that the volcano finally erupted.  That was beneficial in the long run and has allowed her to settle into her grief in a more constructive way.

Your son is so young that I would think he can't quite process or articulate what has happened.  Obviously, I don't know the best way to help such a young child understand, but I think a therapist who specializes in that might be helpful for both of you.  He or she can give you tools to help your son at home as well.  The truth is that we are all floundering around trying to figure out how to deal with this shattering, almost unbearable grief and pain. This forum has been a godsend.  My heart goes out to you and your son.

[btsbp1979@yahoo.com]

My daughter made all 4 of her children photo books that they can carry with them when they are having a tough time.my grandchildren were very close to my husband and he passed very suddenly and unexpected. The kids are the toughest some days to answer their question and help their broken hearts .I try to tell them if they want to talk to him just talk. he will hear them and that he lives in their hearts/ not sure any of this will help

 

[KayC]

It helps for them to think of him as still with them, only in a different way.  I do hope you'll check out the children's books, I knew one of the authors from my other grief site, I remember her writing it. https://www.amazon.com/Waterbugs-Dragonflies-Explaining-Children-Looking/dp/B006KKP3V0/ref=as_li_ss_tl?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1532884816&sr=1-2&keywords=waterbugs+and+dragonflies&linkCode=sl1&tag=grieheal07-20&linkId=584d6d84d20af39002f371b4ca8591e2&language=en_US

[ForgetMeNot150]

Hi @Nely

Having a young child to care for is hard enough without having to go through grief at the same time!

My husband died in September and I have two children (14 and 11). He was sick for almost two years, so my situation is very different to yours, but I have been through other traumatic experiences when they were much younger (my youngest had to have open-heart surgery when she was 18 months old and my Dad died when she was 4).

Even though your son is only 2, he will understand a lot of what is going on as he will see you going through it, even if you think you are hiding it from him.  After your loss it sounds as though you might have distanced yourself from him a bit as you struggled to cope and care for him, which is totally understandable. Try to talk to him as much as you can and be open with him about your feelings and what has happened, so that he can do the same with you. It will be hard, but it will also help you to cope with what you are going through. Children will ask the questions that we are thinking but don't like to confront, and for me personally, I think this has helped me with facing and dealing with my grief. 

When my husband was sick, my daughter would ask me if I was scared that he was going to die. Answering this question honestly was an incredible release for me and brought the two of us much closer. It wasn't the best start to the day when she asked it whilst we were waiting for her school bus first thing in the morning, but in the long run, I know it has helped both of us!  

Obviously my kids are older, but all three of us have keepsake pendants with some of his ashes in them so that we can talk to him and know he is with us at all times. When my daughter recently had to sit a test, she said she held the pendant and felt that her Dad was helping her through it. All three of us also each have one of my husbands jumpers to snuggle up in when we are cold. (This looks like a dress on the youngest as it comes down to her knees, but she loves it and will even wear it out in public). Maybe you could give your son a piece of your husbands clothing or even a photo of him to use to feel closer to him and give him a chance to talk to him?

I would also look into therapy and counselling as has been mentioned above, as the more help, support and guidance you can get the better for both of you. Both of my girls have had counselling since my husbands diagnosis and it has helped them to have an outlet that wasn't me. But remember that you don't need to know all the answers, you just have to be honest and open with your son so that he can understand the emotions that he will be seeing you going through and be able to express his own.

Children are incredibly resilient and can adapt to change a lot better than we can as they are continually learning about the world and are not set in bad ways and habits like we are!

I hope this helps a bit - this is just my opinion and what I have learned from experience with my kids. Sending you a big hug and the strength to keep going. ♥

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, ForgetMeNot150 said:

All three of us also each have one of my husbands jumpers to snuggle up in when we are cold.

Oh yes, this is really helpful.  Our daughter begged to have a few of her dad's sweaters and zip-up hoodies.  I kept one of each for me and sent the rest to her, along with a few other sentimental items of clothing.  See, our home was the "girl gathering" house.  It was a sure bet that girls would be spending the night on the weekend.  Often these were unplanned sleepovers, so our daughter took to raiding her dad's clothes for all of them.  It made me smile and gave him a real comforted feeling to, as he said, "watch part of his closet" parade into the kitchen on a Saturday morning.  He always made sure he had extra sweatpants, sweatshirts, t-shirts, old button down dress shirts, sports shorts, etc. ready so the girls would have enough to borrow.  I sent our granddaughter a fleece jacket she loved because he would wrap it around her on cool weather outings.

Our daughter told me that it was difficult to open the package, but once she did it made her feel good to wrap herself in a "daddy hug."

These days, I'm wearing one of his favorite flannel shirts in the cold mornings.

[KayC]

I have my husband's robe to wrap around me.  I sent his kids sweaters of his.  When my dad died I was 29 and I got his robe.  I got my MIL's afghan when she died.  It helps to have something of their's to hold.

[Sunshine247]

I have the last tshirt that Bob wore and his favorite pullover tucked under my pillow. Sometimes I put the pullover on and I snuggle the tshirt at night when I get sad.

@Nely I have been buying books on grief and grieving and have about ten of them now. Some are helpful. Some not so much. One that I found that I did like is called "Healing a Spouse's Grieving Heart." There is also a companion book called "Healing a Friend's Grieving Heart" that is for friends and family. I sent it to my family for Christmas presents.  

Anyway, these books are broken down into 100 practical ideas to help with grieving and healing.

I don't like sharing things from books directly because of copyright issues so I am going to kind of summarize what the book said for you and hope that it will help. I'm no help - I don't have kids and my nieces don't seem to notice or care that Bob is gone. But I can only deal with so much at one time and I have enough to deal with on my own.

#36 - Keep It Real With Children

* It is hard to be a grieving spouse AND a parent to a grieving child at the same time. You will need help from others. You will have to let your grief take precedence sometimes. If your grief is draining you of energy, ask other family members or friends and neighbors to help out with your child. It is VERY IMPORTANT NOT to let your child feel neglected at this critical time. It takes a village to raise a child - let your village help you out.

* Be open with your children, especially if they are young. Let them talk and ask questions and express fears, maybe about their own death, maybe about yours. Give them honest answers, gently and in words they can understand. Explain to them that death is part of life and there is a circle of life. If you have someone who is helpful or supportive to you right now, maybe they can help talk with your son too. Sometimes children are able to talk more openly with someone who is not closely attached to the parent that they lost.

* Talk about your husband. Share stories, memories, cry, look at photos. Let your son know that expressing grief is healthy and healing. Allow your son to go through the five stages too. He might be angry once the denial has moved on. If you aren't familiar with the five stages, you can find them online.

* Having a family meeting to talk about the passing of your husband will help your son understand that there are other people who miss your husband and are hurting too. If your entire family can't or won't do this, try to get those who are willing. Having someone listen is better than no one.

It sounds like you have been following some of these suggestions just out of instinct. This book doesn't mention anything about what to tell your child when they ask when Daddy will be home and I'm not a therapist, child psychologist or even a parent, so I'm not sure that I have a good suggestion for this, but I have read in other books that telling them "stories" about where their parent is or when they will see them again can be damaging later in life. Maybe any time your son asks when he will see his father again, you can show him a picture of the two of them together or you as a family, and share a story or memory with him - of his father changing his diaper, or of the day he was born - something to let him feel a connection to his father. I personally am ok with telling children that their parent is still with them and always will be, as ForgetMeNot said and does with the pendants, but two years old might be a bit young to understand that. They want tangibles at that age, not abstracts... Perhaps you can get a special stuffed animal for your son that when he misses his father, he hugs his Daddy Bear (or dog, cat, elephant, whatever) - he can give the animal a special name and use it to comfort himself. There are places that will make stuffed animals out of clothes - you could look into maybe having that done. There are also places that make quilts out of tshirts - that might be a good comforter (literally) for your son. I think having photos all over the place is a great idea - I have them all over of Bob now too but I'm 57. (A lot of them I put up of him from happy healthy times so I will remember him as he was then, not how he was the last week or so of his life when he was so thin and frail and weak.) 

If you believe in heaven or an afterlife, talk to your son about that - that his father is "over the rainbow" or however you want to express or explain it. Children are more accepting of things than adults and your son might just need to believe that his dad is up in heaven watching over him. DO NOT tell your son that his father went to "a better place" - your son might think that he is not worthy of being there or has done something to deserve not being there too.

I agree that getting professional counseling is a must for you and your child. If your insurance won't cover it, consult with a church, whether you are religious or not. Many church organizations offer counseling services. I believe in God and prayer and it provides a lot of comfort and support to me. Don't rule it out but if it is something that you don't feel comfortable with, then it's not going to help.

Lastly, and this is just my gut instinct telling me - I do have "some" maternal instincts - is to hug your son as hard as you can when he asks about his dad, let him know that you love him very much and that you are loving him DOUBLE now - once for yourself and once for his dad - and that his father is ALWAYS with him in his heart (which I believe). 

This is a hard one and heartbreaking. Hopefully there are some others on the forum that have had children that they have had to explain death to and have some experience or suggestions or advice. Sending you and your son lots of love and strength. If there is anything else that I can help with, please let me know. I hope you are able to find some joy and happiness during Christmas - just stay strong and carry on.

[Nely]

@foreverhis, @Sunshine247, @ForgetMeNot150 I am deeply touched for your various responses. I wish I have the words to appreciate you all for taking the time to respond to me in so much detail.

I sincerely apologize for not responding before now. It's not easy with me at all. All of what I feel and go through drains me of the energy to write even when I deeply desire to.

The holidays haven't made things any easier for me. It's being pretty lonely and tear filled. What a  world I know live in. So different from what it is I ever imagined or expected.

I hope you all are finding strength no matter how little.

Sending you all warm regards.

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, Nely said:

I wish I have the words to appreciate you all for taking the time to respond to me in so much detail.

Those are all the words you need. 

I think I understand why you haven't been able to respond right away.  It's been 5-1/2 months since the light went out of my life, but sometimes it seems like yesterday.  This was my first Christmas completely alone and it was almost unbearable.  It's nearly impossible to explain even here and absolutely impossible to put into words to anyone who hasn't had this kind of loss. 

Please keep coming back whenever you want or need to talk.  It's helped me to be able to articulate my pain, grief, and even anger to people who are walking a similar, unexpected painful road.

Hugs to you and your son.