New Here: Mother Died 3 months ago

[almostErin]

During my senior year of high school, my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. That was in 2008, the beginning of the end, though we didn't know it yet.

I was 18 and lived alone with her and our dog and two cats. She started working part-time, then not at all, as the chemo treatments progressed. I cooked, I cleaned, I walked the dog, I did the grocery shopping, I went to school, I applied to colleges, I had a part-time job, I took her to doctor's appointments, I tried to have a social life. I feel like I failed at each and every aspect of it. I wasn't very good at keeping house, I had some of the worst grades of my academic career, I hated my job, and I fought with my mother, even in her time of greatest vulnerability and pain. I was an awful caretaker.

But then the summer arrived, and I was off to college. She was too sick to come with me, so I went with my older brother. It was exciting, on the other side of the country, I was free to be young. And then my grandfather died. A month later, my grandmother died. Two months later, my mother was re-diagnosed.

This time, the cancer had spread to her liver. One surgeon she met with refused to do the procedure- it was too risky, and she had blood clotting in the area that would make it even trickier. Without the surgery, she would have a year, at best. We found another surgeon. He felt it would be difficult, but doable, and worth the risk. She made it through, and began a second round of chemo soon after. I flew back to college.

It was an incredibly academically rigorous school, and I struggled to keep up. By the middle of my second semester, I decided to leave. I was depressed, never having fully given myself time to grieve for my grandparents, I felt out of place, I felt like I wasn't focused enough on anything to be learning. I decided to take a medical leave of absence, and return home to live with my mother.

She was still in her second round of chemo, and though physically weak, her spirits were strong. She was glad to have me home. I worked 2 part-time jobs, and took care of the house and her, as I had in high school. She seemed to be getting better, and our relationship felt a little better too (we'd had a history of being very contentious housemates- I was the angry adolescent and she the overbearing mother). I decided to go back to school that fall.

For me, it was disastrous. I hadn't spent nearly enough time dealing with my depression before returning to school. I developed extreme anxiety, and struggled to leave my apartment to make it to class. I barely slept or talked to anyone. But I made it through. Spring semester, I went abroad. I lived at sea for 6 weeks and did oceanographic research, and finally was able to enjoy being alive for just a little bit. I came back to a warm, happy summer spent living at my brother's house, with frequent visits from our mother and the dogs.

Then, in August of 2010, they found more cancer. It was all throughout her body- her liver, her lungs, her lymph nodes. They weren't sure what they could do. We weren't sure what we were supposed to do. We just had to keep going.

I went back to school, and my brother moved back home to be with her. In less than two months, she was gone. I made it home in time to see her, but she was already unconscious from the morphine when I arrived. 45 minutes later, her breathing stopped. And my world came crashing down. She was 59 years old. I am 20 years old. There was so much about my mother that I hated, that drove me crazy, but I cannot let her go. It's been almost 3 months since she died, and I have barely had time to grieve. Because my father is not part of the picture, my brother (who is 22 and in graduate school) and I have had to deal with funeral arrangements, estate planning stuff, lawyers, life insurance, taxes, and a house full of stuff, our house full of our childhood, full of our mother. And we both have to be in school. There' s just no time.

I don't know how to make time for this. I am devastated. I am lost. I am terrified. I am so profoundly sad. And I feel like the biggest failure ever. I am wallowing in my school work- stressing out about it, but not actually doing it. I am afraid that I going to fail out of school. But I want so badly to be in school, to finish school. I just know that I can't stop, because if I stop, I won't ever get going again. But if I don't stop, I don't know that I will ever find time to grieve. I can't schedule "grieving time" into my daily planner. It doesn't work that way. It shows up when you're in the library, working on a problem set, and you have to suppress it, lest you become that girl who cries in libraries. I have a couple friends here who know what I'm dealing with, but even they tend to forget, as I would expect them to. They are just living their lives as normal college students. Other than my therapist, nobody really knows. I just feel like such a failure, like I can't possibly do what I need to do to be a functional human being, to heal, to grow, to learn. I just want my mom back.

[ModKonnie]

During my senior year of high school, my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. That was in 2008, the beginning of the end, though we didn't know it yet.

I was 18 and lived alone with her and our dog and two cats. She started working part-time, then not at all, as the chemo treatments progressed. I cooked, I cleaned, I walked the dog, I did the grocery shopping, I went to school, I applied to colleges, I had a part-time job, I took her to doctor's appointments, I tried to have a social life. I feel like I failed at each and every aspect of it. I wasn't very good at keeping house, I had some of the worst grades of my academic career, I hated my job, and I fought with my mother, even in her time of greatest vulnerability and pain. I was an awful caretaker.

But then the summer arrived, and I was off to college. She was too sick to come with me, so I went with my older brother. It was exciting, on the other side of the country, I was free to be young. And then my grandfather died. A month later, my grandmother died. Two months later, my mother was re-diagnosed.

This time, the cancer had spread to her liver. One surgeon she met with refused to do the procedure- it was too risky, and she had blood clotting in the area that would make it even trickier. Without the surgery, she would have a year, at best. We found another surgeon. He felt it would be difficult, but doable, and worth the risk. She made it through, and began a second round of chemo soon after. I flew back to college.

It was an incredibly academically rigorous school, and I struggled to keep up. By the middle of my second semester, I decided to leave. I was depressed, never having fully given myself time to grieve for my grandparents, I felt out of place, I felt like I wasn't focused enough on anything to be learning. I decided to take a medical leave of absence, and return home to live with my mother.

She was still in her second round of chemo, and though physically weak, her spirits were strong. She was glad to have me home. I worked 2 part-time jobs, and took care of the house and her, as I had in high school. She seemed to be getting better, and our relationship felt a little better too (we'd had a history of being very contentious housemates- I was the angry adolescent and she the overbearing mother). I decided to go back to school that fall.

For me, it was disastrous. I hadn't spent nearly enough time dealing with my depression before returning to school. I developed extreme anxiety, and struggled to leave my apartment to make it to class. I barely slept or talked to anyone. But I made it through. Spring semester, I went abroad. I lived at sea for 6 weeks and did oceanographic research, and finally was able to enjoy being alive for just a little bit. I came back to a warm, happy summer spent living at my brother's house, with frequent visits from our mother and the dogs.

Then, in August of 2010, they found more cancer. It was all throughout her body- her liver, her lungs, her lymph nodes. They weren't sure what they could do. We weren't sure what we were supposed to do. We just had to keep going.

I went back to school, and my brother moved back home to be with her. In less than two months, she was gone. I made it home in time to see her, but she was already unconscious from the morphine when I arrived. 45 minutes later, her breathing stopped. And my world came crashing down. She was 59 years old. I am 20 years old. There was so much about my mother that I hated, that drove me crazy, but I cannot let her go. It's been almost 3 months since she died, and I have barely had time to grieve. Because my father is not part of the picture, my brother (who is 22 and in graduate school) and I have had to deal with funeral arrangements, estate planning stuff, lawyers, life insurance, taxes, and a house full of stuff, our house full of our childhood, full of our mother. And we both have to be in school. There' s just no time.

I don't know how to make time for this. I am devastated. I am lost. I am terrified. I am so profoundly sad. And I feel like the biggest failure ever. I am wallowing in my school work- stressing out about it, but not actually doing it. I am afraid that I going to fail out of school. But I want so badly to be in school, to finish school. I just know that I can't stop, because if I stop, I won't ever get going again. But if I don't stop, I don't know that I will ever find time to grieve. I can't schedule "grieving time" into my daily planner. It doesn't work that way. It shows up when you're in the library, working on a problem set, and you have to suppress it, lest you become that girl who cries in libraries. I have a couple friends here who know what I'm dealing with, but even they tend to forget, as I would expect them to. They are just living their lives as normal college students. Other than my therapist, nobody really knows. I just feel like such a failure, like I can't possibly do what I need to do to be a functional human being, to heal, to grow, to learn. I just want my mom back.

Hi and welcome,

You have been through several horrible ordeals. I am glad you are going to a therapist. That being said, you do not sound like a failure in the least bit. You sound very bright, hard working, intuitive, kind, and everything I would hope my own children would be. You've had a lot of responsibility on your plate at a young age. You sound like you are too hard on yourself, because it sounds to me you are managing and dealing with everything as best as anyone could.

The loss of your mother is fresh. And I completely understand how you can love/but yet hate/but love her. I wonder if you are like her? I had a similar relationship with my mother. I can understand how you want her to still be with you.

As far as school--I understand how difficult going to school is, but I also understand your absolute NEED to finish. I am older than you, but I also am having my own personal problems. I have four kids, I work two jobs, AND I am going to school to finish my Master's Degree. In the midst of all of this, my father died, and my husband of almost 26 years left. The workload is almost unbearable at times. I simply deal with one day at a time, I don't look forward or back, I just get it done. I grieve when I can, and I know that one day, I will have nothing to do but reflect on how life takes twists and turns at every opportunity, and we just simply move forward as best as we can.

Please believe that things will get better. You honestly are NOT a failure. My goodness, you sound incredible to me. You will grow, heal and learn. It sounds as though you already are doing all of this.

Please come here anytime you need encouragement. We will be here waiting for you.

ModKonnie

[agnaq111809]

I am sorry about your losing your mother. I am proud of you doing so much in spite of what was going on with your loved ones, passing from this world to another. You were very strong. And you still have that strength even though it may not be showing right now.

I lost my mom to lung cancer 15 months ago today, Nov. 18, 2009. With the diagnosis just given to us a month before, we didn't realize just how short of time she had with us. From a talking, laughing, energetic 81 year old to not talking anymore the last four days of her life as she was consumed by morphine for her pain, it was unreal. My mother was a strong mother, left to raise me and my brother along with my grandma and two uncles. My father and uncle had been taken away by the sea a month before I was born.

See my mother only went as far as 5th grade. But she helped me get through college. This little mother had made a promise to herself that she would do whatever it takes to get me through, even urging me on back to school 750 miles away when my grandma was dying from colon cancer.

So I know that your mother wants you to finish your schooling, if not for yourself, but for her memory. Even then, I'll urge you on.

I miss my momma very much even though she never really 'woke up' those last few days due to morphine. I'm ok now. The first 4 months were hard.

I still hear her voice when I want to talk to her. Even if it's just a memory of her conversations with me, she talks with me. I'll be much better then. Maybe someday we'll

laugh together. We're not there yet.

I'm glad to have those laughing moments with her. They were too funny. I'm glad to have taken her out of state to give her a good time. And we did.

So your mother would give of herself to see you finish schooling. She is right there with you all the way.

By the way, I wasn't a great student either as English was my Second Language. All it took was perseverence and knowing that my mother was not giving up on me. So your mom too is not giving up on you.