Coming up on 6 year date

[HeyJude]

I haven't been here in a long while.  The six year date of my husbands death is quickly approaching.  I hate this time of year!!  So many memories of what was and how lonely things are now that he is gone.  My prayers are with you folks who have recently lost your significant other.  It is the hardest thing you will ever have to face.  I certainly haven't mastered living the widow life but it has gotten easier, more bearable.  I know that it doesn't seem like the pain will ever end and it doesn't really but we do adjust and go on with our lives.  I'm here if anybody would like to share.  I don't have answers, I've just lived it...walking the walk so to speak.  

[HPB]

I read a lot of threads silently when I first came to the forum, also many helpful posts from you. It is very nice that you are back here!

 

[Brazil Man]

1 hour ago, HeyJude said:

My prayers are with you folks who have recently lost your significant other.

Thank you very much.

[ModKatB]

7 hours ago, HeyJude said:

I haven't been here in a long while.  The six year date of my husbands death is quickly approaching.  I hate this time of year!!  So many memories of what was and how lonely things are now that he is gone.  My prayers are with you folks who have recently lost your significant other.  It is the hardest thing you will ever have to face.  I certainly haven't mastered living the widow life but it has gotten easier, more bearable.  I know that it doesn't seem like the pain will ever end and it doesn't really but we do adjust and go on with our lives.  I'm here if anybody would like to share.  I don't have answers, I've just lived it...walking the walk so to speak.  

I am one of the new ones here and I appreciate all of the help I have gotten from everyone. It does help me to know that there are others that have been where I am now and they have been able to continue on even thru the emotional roller coaster that is now our lives. Thank you for your words because they give me hope and the "light at the end of the tunnel".

[HPB]

I was re-reading a lot of your early raw grief in the blog. From the year 2013. You stated that you had your mother living with you, and a son living far away, both being reasons for not ending it all here on earth.

Do you mind to share what changed in those long six years since your loss? What changed in your mind, and what changed in your heart? Or what didn't change...

Did you find purpose in life again? Happy moments? Would you still welcome a terminal illness so you could join your husband rather sooner than later, or did the passing time change your view on that? 

I'd be happy to learn about your journey, was it a gradual process all the way, or had there been possible "milestones" that might have had a significant effect on your healing process ...from 2013 until now. Was there healing at all? Thanks!

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, HPB said:

Would you still welcome a terminal illness so you could join your husband rather sooner than later, or did the passing time change your view on that? 

What an outstanding question.  I say this because, as a new widow, I have had this thought many times:  "If I am diagnosed with a life-threatening medical condition (cancer, etc.), I don't think I will have any medical treatments.  I think I'd rather just let it run its course so maybe I can be with my love again."  I am considering making that part of my new medical power of attorney and living will.  I have no one to take care of me long-term now and I will not end up in a nursing home.  My sister-in-law declared that I should never have promised my husband that I'd never put him in a nursing home.  I said that I would take care of him 24/7 before I'd break that promise.  After just a couple of times with short-term rehab for him, I was even more determined that it would never happen to him or to me.  We are of modest means, so high-level care is not an option.

I haven't had any thoughts of actively ending my life, but I no longer care about living another 20 or 30 years.  I no longer fear dying because I would no longer be leaving my love behind.  But I sure would like to know if other's have these thoughts and if they commonly change over time. 

@HeyJude  Thank you for your post,  You didn't sugar coat it, and I appreciate that.  I don't expect things will get "better" with time, but I do wonder if I'll be able to let any sort of happiness or joy back in.  When my love died, my heart and world shattered.  I'm not sure I will ever be able pick up any of the pieces and I'm not at all certain I care.  Hearing from others who have walked a similar path is so helpful.

[HeyJude]

7 hours ago, HPB said:

I was re-reading a lot of your early raw grief in the blog. From the year 2013. You stated that you had your mother living with you, and a son living far away, both being reasons for not ending it all here on earth.

Do you mind to share what changed in those long six years since your loss? What changed in your mind, and what changed in your heart? Or what didn't change...

Did you find purpose in life again? Happy moments? Would you still welcome a terminal illness so you could join your husband rather sooner than later, or did the passing time change your view on that? 

I'd be happy to learn about your journey, was it a gradual process all the way, or had there been possible "milestones" that might have had a significant effect on your healing process ...from 2013 until now. Was there healing at all? Thanks!

Well, in thinking about how to answer your questions I guess I've come to realize that a lot has changed since those early days.  I think in the beginning the most fearful thing we have to overcome is how to live without them.  Who are we?  I was with my husband for over 34 years.  I had no idea who I was without him.  But I did now who I was before him.  So I made an attempt to be that person again.  Before him I was 22 yrs old, very career oriented, fun loving, full of laughter and  I tried my hardest to be her again.  A little hard trying to be 22 when your actually 56...lol.  But the mindset worked to a certain degree.  About 6 months after his death I was able to remember things with a smile and a laugh.  Still a lot of tears but there were good memories now to remember.  I have my mother here with me to care for so the thoughts of dying diminished.  What really helped me was getting a puppy.  She gave me a reason to keep living.  2 1/2 yrs out was my biggest milestone.  I decided to start dating.  And I was very lucky to meet a wonderful man.  We've been friends for almost 4 years now.  He is a companion, someone to go out with on occasion, someone to talk to.  We enjoy each others company very much but I won't marry him.  Not that I don 't love him, it just isn't for me right now.  So yes...there has been healing.  I'm me again.  I'm happy.  But I will always miss my Jerry.

[HeyJude]

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

What an outstanding question.  I say this because, as a new widow, I have had this thought many times:  "If I am diagnosed with a life-threatening medical condition (cancer, etc.), I don't think I will have any medical treatments.  I think I'd rather just let it run its course so maybe I can be with my love again."  I am considering making that part of my new medical power of attorney and living will.  I have no one to take care of me long-term now and I will not end up in a nursing home.  My sister-in-law declared that I should never have promised my husband that I'd never put him in a nursing home.  I said that I would take care of him 24/7 before I'd break that promise.  After just a couple of times with short-term rehab for him, I was even more determined that it would never happen to him or to me.  We are of modest means, so high-level care is not an option.

I haven't had any thoughts of actively ending my life, but I no longer care about living another 20 or 30 years.  I no longer fear dying because I would no longer be leaving my love behind.  But I sure would know if other's have these thoughts and if they commonly change over time. 

@HeyJude  Thank you for your post,  You didn't sugar coat it, and I appreciate that.  I don't expect things will get "better" with time, but I do wonder if I'll be able to let any sort of happiness or joy back in.  When my love died, my heart and world shattered.  I'm not sure I will ever be able pick up any of the pieces and I'm not at all certain I care.  Hearing from others who have walked a similar path is so helpful.

I don't fear dying at all.  In fact, I'm 100% convinced that we will reunite with our loved ones.  I'm not in a hurry to die though.  Things do get better if you want them to.  But don't rush it.  It can take years before you get to that place in your life where you feel ready to open up to someone again.  My husband had a very dry sense of humor.  He didn't laugh much.  My boyfriend now is a nut.  I have never laughed so hard in my life.  It's different than with my husband, not better just different.

[HPB]

2 hours ago, HeyJude said:

What really helped me was getting a puppy.

 

2 hours ago, HeyJude said:

I decided to start dating.  And I was very lucky to meet a wonderful man. 

Thank you very much for taking the time and answering my questions. Eventhough on a personal level, they make me sad again. In looking to other fates so far - since the horrific desaster of my loss destroyed my life - I only saw people gaining some sort of healing belonging in two groups: a) They bought a pet (or had previously a dog/cats) or b) they found a new partner.

Both options are out of consideration for me. I like animals but I cannot and will not "replace" the void with an animal. And I have absolutely no intention to ever find a new partner.

I think that makes me definitely join the small group of the lost souls being without any hope.

Thanks again for telling about your journey though.

[Brazil Man]

3 hours ago, HPB said:

I only saw people gaining some sort of healing belonging in two groups: a) They bought a pet (or had previously a dog/cats) or b) they found a new partner.

Neither me. I don't want a girlfriend although I am only 52 years old. I like dogs but I don't want to have one.

[Nobody1]

5 hours ago, HPB said:

I think that makes me definitely join the small group of the lost souls being without any hope

@HPB I don't know if this will help you or not but it's been 2 1/2 years since I lost my husband suddenly and I have not progressed at all. I hate my life from the moment I get up in the morning till the moment I fall asleep. I hate everything about life and yes, I still hope for a terminal illness to end this misery.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, HPB said:

I like animals but I cannot and will not "replace" the void with an animal.

You don't "replace" ANYTHING with an animal.  But an animal can be incentive, someone to come home to, interact with.  I can honestly say adopting my dog was the best thing I could have done, he's almost 11 now and I don't honestly know how I could exist without him, it will be very hard when the time comes.  But I know I'll get through it, much the same way I had to when I lost my husband.  I could list all the benefits from having my dog but I'm not trying to talk you into anything, they aren't for everyone.  And I wouldn't want anyone to adopt an animal if they couldn't love them, it is a huge commitment and wouldn't be fair to the animal.  But I just wanted to make that distinction, I didn't adopt my dog to replace my husband, no one could do that.  But oh my gosh I love my dog and have received so much benefit from having him in my life!  His smile lights up my life!

[Sunflower2]

we are all so different in our needs.  I do not want an animal.  I understand the comfort they can bring to many but it is not my desire and that is so ok. 

[HeyJude]

I didn't replace my husband with a dog...lol  What I did do was got me a purpose to live.  I had to find something that would get me out of my funk because my mother depended on me to take care of her. And this dog did.  She got me laughing again when I didn't want to laugh, she got me outside, it was all around a really good choice for me.  Not for everybody, but for me.  As for dating, I swore up and down I didn't want anyone else in my life ever again.  2 1/2 yrs in I got to thinking, what is so bad about making friends?  I just can't sit in this house and be sad the rest of my life.  So I made a friend.  He is a companion.  Someone I can go out to eat with.  Someone who I can visit with and have a good time and laugh with.  We are 64 and 62.  Neither one of us wants to get married.  But we have promised each other that we will always be there for each other.  That doesn't replace my husband.  I still miss him every single day.  And my friend knows how special my husband is to me.  But it does make life fun again.  And I know my husband wanted me to live.  To enjoy the rest of my time here in the physical world.  When my time comes to cross over I know my husband is going to be there waiting for me.

I wish you all peace.  I wish you all happiness.  It is perfectly normal to grieve and grief doesn't come in a one size fits all.  We all handle our grief different.  But don't think that you'll never laugh again or be happy again.  We all deserve that much.  It doesn't lessen our love for our beloveds.  Being happy again was me being comfortable in my own skin and knowing that I can live alone.  Happy Holidays to you all.

[Sunflower2]

11 hours ago, HeyJude said:

So I made a friend.  He is a companion. 

This actually made me smile this morning.

For now I'm going to believe it is the holidays triggering much of my feelings of impatience.  Grief is so exhausting. I wish it would just go away.  I think 13 months is enough but than I realize this is my first without my mom.  Back to back losses. I need to be patient and kind to myself. I would love a group of energized individuals to walk with just once a week. A group where I can get a reprieve from grief. I know what will help it is just finding a small group to walk with. Once a week is just enough to invigorate my spirit!   To motivate.  It's more for motivating me then conversation. I can't seem to consistently get myself back into my exercise routine. I SHOULD know how to work it but I can't.  I know we shouldn't should.   I want a group who lives. That enjoys the present moment. Not a group of individuals enmeshed in the drama of family, stuck in grief, focused on so many physical ailments.  I know what I need.  I get out its just finding that new space.  I stop, realizing I'm in search of my partner.    The walking idea of a group sprouted this morning.  In the end I'll figure this out.  It is this new phase this month to be done with this!! Move on!!  In reality I understand intellectually this is not processing grief. I understand in time we partner with grief  and find peace.  Emotionally I'm not there and I understand.

[ModKatB]

11 hours ago, HeyJude said:

 

I wish you all peace.  I wish you all happiness.  It is perfectly normal to grieve and grief doesn't come in a one size fits all.  We all handle our grief different.  But don't think that you'll never laugh again or be happy again.  We all deserve that much.  It doesn't lessen our love for our beloveds.  Being happy again was me being comfortable in my own skin and knowing that I can live alone.  Happy Holidays to you all.

For me being able to read the stories of others that have made it thru the bad times of grief and to be able to find a way to have some happiness in life gives me hope. Thanks you for sharing that with us. When I read where you said, grief doesn't come in a one size fits all it made me smile because over the last few months I started writing again and have actually published a book on Amazon and I titled it, Grief: one size does not fit all.  Happy Holidays to you as well.

 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, HeyJude said:

I didn't replace my husband with a dog...lol  What I did do was got me a purpose to live.  I had to find something that would get me out of my funk because my mother depended on me to take care of her. And this dog did.  She got me laughing again when I didn't want to laugh, she got me outside, it was all around a really good choice for me.  Not for everybody, but for me.  As for dating, I swore up and down I didn't want anyone else in my life ever again.  2 1/2 yrs in I got to thinking, what is so bad about making friends?  I just can't sit in this house and be sad the rest of my life.  So I made a friend.  He is a companion.  Someone I can go out to eat with.  Someone who I can visit with and have a good time and laugh with.  We are 64 and 62.  Neither one of us wants to get married.  But we have promised each other that we will always be there for each other.  That doesn't replace my husband.  I still miss him every single day.  And my friend knows how special my husband is to me.  But it does make life fun again.  And I know my husband wanted me to live.  To enjoy the rest of my time here in the physical world.  When my time comes to cross over I know my husband is going to be there waiting for me.

I wish you all peace.  I wish you all happiness.  It is perfectly normal to grieve and grief doesn't come in a one size fits all.  We all handle our grief different.  But don't think that you'll never laugh again or be happy again.  We all deserve that much.  It doesn't lessen our love for our beloveds.  Being happy again was me being comfortable in my own skin and knowing that I can live alone.  Happy Holidays to you all.

I'm glad.  My FIL lost his wife of 40 years, I took care of her the last three years of her life when she was bedridden with cancer.  A month after she died, he told us he was in love.  But she didn't want to get married.  They were companions, there for each other, had fun with each other, saw each other through surgeries, etc.  After he passed, I talked with her about how much he loved her.  She said he never told her.  I guess he thought she didn't want to hear that.  But she'd have to know how he felt about her!  I think they spent about 30 years as companions, each in their own home, never married, but always there for each other.

[HeyJude]

Well...today is the day.  Actually I like to think it was on January 3rd.  Everything happened around the midnight hour.  My husband had dealt with a long illness.  He has aspergillus  pneumonia which just went rampant due to him being a 9 yr post op double organ transplant recipient.  He was in the hospital for 4 months.  Most of that time was on a ventilator and in a drug induced coma.  He seemed to be doing good after he came off the vent and was released after the first month but we had to rush him back.  The type of pneumonia he had is a fungal pneumonia and it was growing in his lungs like crazy.  So back he went, same thing, vent and coma.  Except this time he had an aneurysm in his groin burst and he just about bled out.  They put 16 pints of blood into him.  As fast as he was losing it.  Finally he stopped bleeding.  This was in Oct/Nov.  Dec he came off the vent and out of the coma but they did have to to a tracheotomy on him.  Around Christmas time my insurance company said he had to be moved to a cheaper hospital so he was, against our and the doctors wishes.  On January 2, 2013 he was released into a Rehabilitation Hospital.  January 3rd, around 11pm they called me and said that they had gone in to check on him and he wasn't breathing.  EMTs were called and they rushed him to the hospital where they tried to revive him and at 1am on January 4th the doctor told me he didn't make it.   January 4th also happens to be my mothers birthday.  But I think Jerry died on the 3rd.  Anyway...like I said, today is the day.  It went okay.  6 years he is gone and there isn't a minute of any day that he isn't in my mind.  It has always been like this, even when he was alive.  He is always on my mind.  I don't think we ever get over that.  My life now is good.  I'm happy.  I'm retired.  My health has gotten a lot better.  I have a gentleman friend that I see now and then.  But Jerry is always on my mind.  Its funny too, the song "Always on my Mind", Elvis Presley sang it and so did Willie Nelson was his favorite song.  He used to say it was us.  God I miss him.  We have to do whatever it is we have to do to get through each day, day by day, minute by minute, until our time comes.  And it just really sucks that our beloveds are taken away from us like this.  I do what I have to do everyday just as if he were still here, ya know?  I pretty much stayed with my routine because otherwise I couldn't have handled the madness that is grief. I'm always searching for signs from him and I have gotten quite a few actually.  I really hope that the things that I have come to believe in, that I will see him again when I cross over, are true.  Otherwise I'm going to be really pissed off..lol.  Well...we all made it.  The holidays are over, thank God.  As always, my prayers are with you all who are so new to this horrible part of life.  The new ones and the old ones.  Peace to us all.....

[BSL]

9 hours ago, HeyJude said:

Well...today is the day.  Actually I like to think it was on January 3rd.  Everything happened around the midnight hour.  My husband had dealt with a long illness.  He has aspergillus  pneumonia which just went rampant due to him being a 9 yr post op double organ transplant recipient.  He was in the hospital for 4 months.  Most of that time was on a ventilator and in a drug induced coma.  He seemed to be doing good after he came off the vent and was released after the first month but we had to rush him back.  The type of pneumonia he had is a fungal pneumonia and it was growing in his lungs like crazy.  So back he went, same thing, vent and coma.  Except this time he had an aneurysm in his groin burst and he just about bled out.  They put 16 pints of blood into him.  As fast as he was losing it.  Finally he stopped bleeding.  This was in Oct/Nov.  Dec he came off the vent and out of the coma but they did have to to a tracheotomy on him.  Around Christmas time my insurance company said he had to be moved to a cheaper hospital so he was, against our and the doctors wishes.  On January 2, 2013 he was released into a Rehabilitation Hospital.  January 3rd, around 11pm they called me and said that they had gone in to check on him and he wasn't breathing.  EMTs were called and they rushed him to the hospital where they tried to revive him and at 1am on January 4th the doctor told me he didn't make it.   January 4th also happens to be my mothers birthday.  But I think Jerry died on the 3rd.  Anyway...like I said, today is the day.  It went okay.  6 years he is gone and there isn't a minute of any day that he isn't in my mind.  It has always been like this, even when he was alive.  He is always on my mind.  I don't think we ever get over that.  My life now is good.  I'm happy.  I'm retired.  My health has gotten a lot better.  I have a gentleman friend that I see now and then.  But Jerry is always on my mind.  Its funny too, the song "Always on my Mind", Elvis Presley sang it and so did Willie Nelson was his favorite song.  He used to say it was us.  God I miss him.  We have to do whatever it is we have to do to get through each day, day by day, minute by minute, until our time comes.  And it just really sucks that our beloveds are taken away from us like this.  I do what I have to do everyday just as if he were still here, ya know?  I pretty much stayed with my routine because otherwise I couldn't have handled the madness that is grief. I'm always searching for signs from him and I have gotten quite a few actually.  I really hope that the things that I have come to believe in, that I will see him again when I cross over, are true.  Otherwise I'm going to be really pissed off..lol.  Well...we all made it.  The holidays are over, thank God.  As always, my prayers are with you all who are so new to this horrible part of life.  The new ones and the old ones.  Peace to us all.....

This thread is interesting to me. It encompasses the whole spectrum of grieving for our lost partners, our experiences as well as the timelines in our journeys.

I am a little over 3 years into my journey since my wife of 25 years died from cancer. @HeyJude, thank you for posting and in a twisted way, the quoted post above gives me comfort, to know your love and connection to your husband is still strong and vibrant. Unfortunately, I don't believe in an afterlife or heaven like you do ( I so wish I did!!). I know everyone tells me she will always be in my heart and I know that, but, memories do fade over time and it gives me additional pain as time passes, to slowly feel her slipping away. I think about her everyday, yet, it's different now, it's harder to picture her face, to hear her voice...it just saddens me. The intellectual part of my brain says "this is normal and you have to keep moving forward" but the emotional side says, "I don't want to leave her behind!" So, for you, @HeyJude and anyone else, do you go through similar emotions and if so, how do you handle them?

So, in my attempt at my new normal, I tried to dip my toe into the dating pool last month. I went for coffee with a woman that I connected with a dating app. I debated with myself whether to take my wedding band off or not, right until the point it was time to leave the house and, lol, I could not remove it ( no, I don't see it as a sign of anything). So, the date was ok but, I had the need to explain why I was wearing a wedding band and therefore tell someone upon 15 minutes of meeting, of my wife's death. Of course, she later told me I wasn't ready to date. 

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, BSL said:

I had the need to explain why I was wearing a wedding band and therefore tell someone upon 15 minutes of meeting, of my wife's death. Of course, she later told me I wasn't ready to date. 

This is exactly where you are and it is so ok.  

[KayC]

BSL,

I doubt she got to know you well enough to ascertain whether you are or are not ready, but that's something for you to decide for yourself.  Have to give yourself credit for pushing out of your comfort zone and making effort...sometimes it's a three steps forward ,two steps backward, kind of zig zag, but overall moving in a forward manner through this.

Jude, 

I think your post is inspirational in the way BSL articulated.   You're incorporating your husband into your life in a new way, neither leaving your relationship and love behind, but also learning to be comfortable as you can in today, finding the good that is.  

[BSL]

KayC, thank you. I agree with you that she did not give enough time to know me. I did not want to bring up my wife's death until we got to know each other a bit at least. No kidding..."out of comfort zone" having not gone on a date for 27 odd years, lol! My only goal was to explore what it felt like to socialize again. To be fair to her, I was nervous and did not come across very well, I suspect. Oh well. 

But KayC and HeyJude or anyone, how do you cope with the fading memories, it's hard to articulate this, coping with being forced to acknowledge your life with your spouse is past tense.

Bill

 

[ModHerc]

2 hours ago, BSL said:

...Unfortunately, I don't believe in an afterlife or heaven like you do ( I so wish I did!!). I know everyone tells me she will always be in my heart and I know that, but, memories do fade over time and it gives me additional pain as time passes, to slowly feel her slipping away. I think about her everyday, yet, it's different now, it's harder to picture her face, to hear her voice...it just saddens me. The intellectual part of my brain says "this is normal and you have to keep moving forward" but the emotional side says, "I don't want to leave her behind!" So, for you, @HeyJude and anyone else, do you go through similar emotions and if so, how do you handle them?...

@BSL,

I definitely go through similar emotions.  Like you I don’t have a firm belief in an afterlife, but I hope that there is something more.  That hope isn’t something I can base my daily actions on however, so I am left in the position of making sure that what I do here and now is the best testament to the life and love we shared.

When I feel my connection to her is fading through time or changes in my life I try to restablish the links as best I can.  I call old friends of hers to keep those relationships going.  I talk with shared friends or family about her, sharing favorite stories and memories of her.  I pull out the photo albums, old videos, text messages, and voicemails and go through them to find moments that help me.

Particularly with changes, I talk to her and imagine what she would say and do.  She would love my new house, but she would hate the stairs.  She would want to get out in the neighborhood and explore, meet the neighbors, and find good restaurants.  I try to look at specific things and pair her with them.  It helps me keep her as a part of my current life, not just memories.  Like all things in grief, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  Wish you the fondest of memories,

Herc

[ModHerc]

@HeyJude,

Thank you so much for sharing.  As KayC and BSL both said it is inspirational, and very helpful.  Like you, I have two dates, the one on the death certificate December 25th, and the one I know it happened on, the 24th.  It amazes me at times how much that little difference can burrow inside my head.  Hoping you keep the date that helps you, and thanking you again for the comfort you brought us,

Herc

[BSL]

6 minutes ago, Herc said:

@BSL,

I definitely go through similar emotions.  Like you I don’t have a firm belief in an afterlife, but I hope that there is something more.  That hope isn’t something I can base my daily actions on however, so I am left in the position of making sure that what I do here and now is the best testament to the life and love we shared.

When I feel my connection to her is fading through time or changes in my life I try to restablish the links as best I can.  I call old friends of hers to keep those relationships going.  I talk with shared friends or family about her, sharing favorite stories and memories of her.  I pull out the photo albums, old videos, text messages, and voicemails and go through them to find moments that help me.

Particularly with changes, I talk to her and imagine what she would say and do.  She would love my new house, but she would hate the stairs.  She would want to get out in the neighborhood and explore, meet the neighbors, and find good restaurants.  I try to look at specific things and pair her with them.  It helps me keep her as a part of my current life, not just memories.  Like all things in grief, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  Wish you the fondest of memories,

Herc

@Herc,

I like your ideas. I've read and tried the concept of continuing bonds but only in sporadic attempts. I rarely talk to my wife. I did like the Jewish custom of "yahrzeit" and wrote a letter to my wife and read it out loud at her grave on her 3rd death anniversary in November. 

Our friends seem to have scattered to the winds and maybe it's partly my fault for not reaching out enough. The one true close friend of my wife who was absolutely there to the end and promised to keep tabs on me, was diagnosed with cancer 1.5 years after my wife died and died 2 weeks after the 3rd year death anniversary, such a twist of fate!

But, I will try, with renewed effort, your ideas.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, BSL said:

how do you cope with the fading memories

I guess I've had to accept that it goes with the territory of years passing.  That does NOT mean I've left him behind or our love has diminished, it has not in the least!  What it does mean is he is no longer actively able to interact in my current life...that and as I age, my memory is not as keen!  However, I remember a LOT, down to the most minute detail...I remember the sound of his voice, his smell, the way I felt when he held me.  I remember memories of how it was with us, our life, and oh how I miss it!  But it does begin to feel more like a long ago movie I once watched and I wonder, did I really have this life with this person?  It feels a wee bit like being gaslit, I have even gone to my file drawer and looked at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate!  I see his handwritten notes to me and have photos of him up on the wall.  Yes, this person really was my husband, we really did live that life, I didn't conjure it up.  Time plays odd tricks on our minds.  Rest assured your feelings are normal in grief.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Herc said:

I talk with shared friends or family about her, sharing favorite stories and memories of her.  I pull out the photo albums, old videos, text messages, and voicemails and go through them to find moments that help me.

Yep.  Good suggestions.  That's why I enjoyed sharing with foreverhis yesterday about our first meeting in person...it brought back those memories and a smile to my heart.  That it caused such discord here to one of our own really hurt me, and I hope you all accept my apology for derailment of a thread.  Those sharing of memories are important to us, not only in realizing yes it really did happen, but it was the most important event of my life!  I cannot begin to put into words adequately how much this man meant to me, but all who saw us together witnessed it in the gleam of his eyes...and mine.
 

57 minutes ago, BSL said:

Our friends seem to have scattered to the winds

This is common also.  Our friends literally disappeared in spite of my best efforts to retain ties to them.  Some people are just not comfortable with death, it causes them to see their own mortality, or if I could become widowed, so could they, so they become absent to me, the reminder of what is not comfortable to them.  Others do not know what to say, how to handle it, so they absent themselves from us.  They want to "fix it" and can't.  Don't think it's anything you did or didn't do...not necessarily!

[HeyJude]

3 hours ago, BSL said:

KayC, thank you. I agree with you that she did not give enough time to know me. I did not want to bring up my wife's death until we got to know each other a bit at least. No kidding..."out of comfort zone" having not gone on a date for 27 odd years, lol! My only goal was to explore what it felt like to socialize again. To be fair to her, I was nervous and did not come across very well, I suspect. Oh well. 

But KayC and HeyJude or anyone, how do you cope with the fading memories, it's hard to articulate this, coping with being forced to acknowledge your life with your spouse is past tense.

Bill

 

I stopped wearing my wedding ring early on in the process.  I don't know why though.  I mean, I still feel married to Jerry.  I don't think I'll ever remarry but I do enjoy having a companion.  If you find the right person who understands it won't be a problem.  In fact, my friend has helped me through so many things.  He truly understands the turmoil that is constant in my head.

So BSL...how do I cope with fading memories?  That is a good question.  I cannot remember the sound of my husband voice.  I have a lot of pictures of him that I look at and I can feel his presence when I do look at them.  Looking at the last pictures I have of him bring memories all flooding back so it isn't like anything has faded.  They just abruptly end.  My life with my husband is past tense.  That is just the way life is.  One of us goes before the other.  Unless of course your both in the same accident and pass together.  But that doesn't happen often so one of us is left to carry on.  In my case I'm so glad it was me that was left.  My husband could not have handled this.  He wouldn't have had a clue as to how to navigate grief.  So I'm glad it happened in the order that it has.  My husband was a mans man.  He didn't know the internet, didn't read, didn't speak about his feelings.  He was a hands on kinda guy, tinkered with everything.  He was a machinist by trade and a mechanic by hobby.  Didn't have time for intellect if that makes any sense.  So I'm really glad it is me that was left behind because I knew what paths to take to heal.

Don't rush the dating thing.  And I would tell any man I talked with that i was a widow.  I mean, god...its so huge to us, all encompassing, it is our life now so I have always been honest about it up front.  One thing though and this kinda goes back to the rings.  I have a gold cross that has some of my husbands ashes in it.  I stopped wearing it when my friend told me it kinda made him uncomfortable whenever we were intimate.  That is when I stopped wearing the cross, when someone I cared about hinted it was time to take it off.  But I only took it off because my caring about my new friend and his feelings were greater then my need to wear that cross.  If that makes any sense.  It all sums up to...you will know when its time to take that step of taking off your wedding ring.

Dating and/or having a companion doesn't mean you have to be in a totally committed relationship with someone.  Its okay to have a friend.  I totally enjoy living on my own.  I don't really want a man moving in here just yet.   We just date.  And we are great friends, I can say he is truly my best friend.  We get together maybe 3 times a month but we talk just about every day.  And that is ok.  This is perfect for me.  I'm sure we'd see each other more but he lives about 40 miles from me, its an hour drive.  And that is perfect too!!  I like it just the way it is.  You have to know exactly what your wanting in a relationship should you decide to go that route.  I honestly couldn't be happier with the way things are in my life right now.  I'm content.  Sure, I wish my husband was still here.  But this is LIFE.  Its just the way it is...there is nothing we can do about it.  So I thought about what my husband always said to do if he died first and I am living my life that way.  

Life after death...I studied it.  I have over 50 books on the subject.  Its fascinating.  Also had a reading with a psychic medium who connected with my husband and his sister and I am 1000% convinced there is more to come after we die.  The reading I had totally put my mind into a different place.  It is probably the best thing I ever did in relation to my husband passing.  I know without a doubt that there is another side.  But that is me, I can't sell anybody else on the idea.  You have to find that answer for yourself. 

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, HeyJude said:

I really hope that the things that I have come to believe in, that I will see him again when I cross over, are true.  Otherwise I'm going to be really pissed off..lol. 

I had to smile about this.  I can just see you saying, "All right.  Who's in charge here?" 

I've told my love that it's okay to have friends, to be with family, and all that, but that he'd darn well better remember that he is mine and I am his, and when I get to wherever he is, I expect him to be waiting for me.  I know he will be, but it helps me to "nag" just a little bit.

[KayC]

That brought me a smile too!