Christmas Cards

[Epope]

We all know, or are newly finding out (like myself), that this time of year is incredibly difficult. No matter where we think we might be on our grief journey, the holiday season just floods the brain and heart with memories of the past. Somehow, I had it in me to decorate my lonely house and put up a small tree near where my Derek rests in the dining room. It hurt like hell putting that thing up, but Derek loved Christmas so I couldn't leave the house bare. 

I'm finding that the hardest thing to accept right now are cards. I guess gifts are one thing, which I don't really like receiving to begin with, but cards are filled with words that I'm always nervous about. I know that it's difficult for people to know what to say, or they say the wrong thing, but I can barely make it past the sentences that read "We are still so saddened by the passing of Derek..." or "I can't imagine what you must be going through during this time". The worst seems to be the way the card is addressed - to my name only. It's such small things that have no cause for blame, but it's heartbreaking. It makes me die a little bit more inside, lose focus on my future, and puts the past behind thick glass because I can no longer touch it. I guess the best way to describe this feeling is heartsick. I'm hanging on by a thread to get through Christmas and New Years, but of course after that comes Valentines Day, what would have been Derek's 30th birthday, and our 8 year anniversary. 

I'm wondering if we all come out stronger after our hearts get stomped on, especially on these special occasions, or do we just get weaker and worn down? I suppose it's up to ourselves like everything else. 

[KayC]

Those cards are another way of hitting you afresh, punching your gut, a reminder that he's gone as you don't see it addressed to him like it would have been in the past.

This is a process...a very PAINFUL process, and it takes more time than I care to say to adjust to all of the many losses that come with this very big loss.  It took me years.  Gradually, I no longer expected him to walk through the door or call on the phone, it began to sink in, he was gone and wasn't coming back.  We know it with our heads but in our hearts it takes so much longer to process!  It was better once it sunk in because in those early days/months, it kept hitting me afresh, over and over again!  That was hard!  It's hard to say which is worse, knowing they're gone or having it hit you afresh all the time, but it seemed to me easier once I wasn't getting slammed afresh all the time.

"better" is a relative term...for those of us who have lost the person that meant most to us in our life, we know nothing will ever be better as in good/well/back the way it was, again. But better in the sense that little by little we miraculously adjust, every so bit by bit, to the unthinkable, enough that we can function, do our jobs, eat something, who'd have thought it even possible?!  I remember wondering how the sun could go on shining!  How could that be!  Didn't it know that my George was gone?!  I think we've all wondered that at some time or another.  Yet I'm very thankful our bodies are more resilient than we otherwise could have imagined.  I'm thankful for any bit of adjusting or coping that has come my way.  I'm thankful for those split seconds I feel even a degree of joy or happiness or peace, fleeting as they might be, I'll take whatever grain of them comes my way.  

Those dates you mention, they're hard, we will be here for you as you go through them, as you approach those dates.  I think we do realize our strength after all is said and done, because I feel if I can survive this, I can certainly make it through whatever else comes my way, for it would pale in comparison to losing my George.  It was a shock, a life changing event, not easily gotten through.

Funny though, I've seen my strength, I've gotten through so much over these years, alone, yet I've drawn on the things I learned from him, I've drawn from the strength of his love for me, I've drawn in the hope of tomorrow...of being with him again, I've reached deep down inside of me and pulled from strength I didn't know I had...just when I felt my weakest, most helpless, and anything but strong.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Epope said:

The worst seems to be the way the card is addressed - to my name only. It's such small things that have no cause for blame, but it's heartbreaking.

Yes, I'm finding that very difficult too.  It's not as if I hadn't received things in my name only or had to fill out numerous forms, but it was a freaking box of checks that did me in.  One day in the mail, there was a box the size and shape of checks.  I had had to open a new account with one company because all of our accounts, while joint, listed his SSN as primary.  I opened the box, saw that it was the new checks and checkbook and just lost it.  I haven't had an individual account in more than 30 years. 

It is the small things for sure that come and smack us in the heart when we least expect it.  But I don't think we need to be stronger (or weaker) at this point or even in the future.  Right now, all we can or need to do is survive however we can.  Will I be stronger down the road?  Maybe is the only answer I've got.  This first holiday season is so difficult that I've said no to all but two gatherings.  I've even told my family that I am not coming to them for Christmas.  Taking the train to a small family Thanksgiving was enough.  Going to the first Christmas party took every bit of strength I had, and I "pre-cried" all afternoon.  I asked a casual friend, but one who has been supportive, to accompany me.  That was a good move. I managed more than an hour before I had to go home, but that was real progress (I guess).

I'm so sorry that you too are learning that so many of the small things hit hardest.