May be taboo, but I’d really like an answer

[Nlarios17]

My husband died suddenly right in front of me two months ago.  It seems like forever. The shock is wearing off, I’m working through my grief.  We were always very affectionate, and I really miss being touched.  His hugs, especially. Anyway, in a moment of heart ache, stress, and longing, I gave in.  I masturbated.  As soon as I stopped, I broke out in tears and apologized to him.  Told him how much I loved and missed him.  The guilt was overwhelming.  I felt like I cheated on him. I’m now afraid to even think about it.  Is this normal? Does it go away?

[HPB]

There shouldn't be any taboo's here, and you don't need to feel guilty about that. Absolutely no guilt! Yet I can relate to the feeling you experienced; there is a reason for what is called "La petite mort" (French for: "The small death") That's how it can feel afterwards, the emptiness, loneliness after the relief. And the beloved partner is not physically there to provide solace, warmth, and cosyness. That's how the sad feeling came about. And with it the unneccessary guilt.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_petite_mort

Quote:

"In modern usage, this term has generally been interpreted to describe the post-orgasmic state of unconsciousness that some people have after having some sexual experiences."

"More widely, it can refer" ...  "to a short period of melancholy "..." as a result of the expenditure of the "life force."

Melancholy can trigger guilt.

Masturbation can be a means of releasing the stress, tension, that was building up on you within the past two months. And the stress and your used "release valve" don't need to be related. It can be a confusing mixture of psychological stress and physical tension that both are longing for release, like a rubber band that was streched for a too long period.

Relax, you did nothing wrong!

If you want to explore the topic in the context of tolerant christian ("Swedenborgian") perspective, you will find a couple of pages on the site of Lee Woofenden. E.g. this one:

https://leewoof.org/2015/12/22/what-does-the-bible-say-about-masturbation-is-masturbation-a-sin/

Quote:

"What if a married couple is temporarily separated because one of them is away on a trip? Is it wrong for them to fantasize about having sex with their husband or wife, and masturbate to that fantasy? If they masturbate while having phone sex with one another, is that “lustful” and wrong? I think not. It is simply an expression of their love and longing for their partner when she or he is not physically present."

https://leewoof.org/2016/08/01/is-masturbation-always-sinful-does-it-always-come-from-lust/

[Nlarios17]

Thank you.  I’ll check the links out.  I guess I just wasn’t prepared at all.  I didn’t think to expect anything.  You’re right....he wasn’t there for me to lay on his shoulder or kiss him goodnight.  I have his picture facing my bed on the wall.  I looked at it and told him I wished it were him and kept apologizing. 

[HPB]

...maybe the following link is even more applying here:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-coital_tristesse

In this circumstance, it should be renamed post-masturbation tristesse.

And then it not only causes/caused sadness, but due to the unfortunate mindset (caused by the physically absent partner) you were in; feelings of unneccessary and unjustified guilt.

[Nlarios17]

I had no Idea.  I really hope it’s something that fades.  I have enough in the world to be afraid of without this 

[Sunflower2]

6 hours ago, Nlarios17 said:

I felt like I cheated on him.

I understand.  It is unexpected. The reaction afterwards is so unexpected.  I don't see it as guilt in masturbating but for that moment afterwards I felt so alone.  In some ways it intensified the absence of everything I miss about him. 

 

6 hours ago, HPB said:

That's how it can feel afterwards, the emptiness, loneliness after the relief. And the beloved partner is not physically there to provide solace, warmth, and cosyness. That's how the sad feeling came about. And with it the unneccessary guilt.

You explained it so well! The emptiness and the loneliness. Our partners not physically there to provide all we so dearly miss! Thank you HPB!

[foreverhis]

@HPB  What wonderful and compassionate responses.  I think this is a subject many of us are too embarrassed to address.  I'm going to check out those links because the subject has crossed my mind and I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it emotionally.  I've never thought there should be guilt or any sin to masturbation, but everything is so different now that sexuality is a bit confusing.  Thank you for posting those resources.

[Nlarios17]

I’m glad this is yet another topic I’m not alone on. Yes....the warmth and love isn’t there after. There is no joy to it.  Only a sense of need that can’t really be explained.  The links really are helpful.   

[KayC]

I too applaud HPB's thoughtful, kind, informative responses...it's hard to address, our sexuality is yet another loss, a byproduct of losing our spouse.  I've gotten more used to it but it sure was not easy in the beginning!