Relationship with food changes?

[Moment2moment]

I used to love to cook for both of us, but of course when she got really sick and eventually stopped eating in hospice, that scaled back big time.

Before she got really bad I would also go out to restaurants and bring back our favorites.

When she stopped eating it was the hardest thing as so much of our home life and togetherness was grocery shopping, finding new recipes,  enjoying cooking shows, cooking, and sharing meals. 

Now that all is gone and I set out to still try for healthy eating for one and bought a smaller crockpot and some other cooking stuff. But I have lost interest.

Nothing tastes good or it reminds me of our life together or I just don't feel like bothering. Even when I am not in a depressive funk.

I have gotten to the point of skipping meals or eating a bowl of cereal or a sandwich. I got stuff in for Thanksgiving but had no heart to eat it. I forced myself but it tasted like nothing and I threw most of it out. 

I know that under eating or over eating can be part of depression, but this is different. Food was love, memories, celebration, togetherness and now all that is gone. 

I am really struggling with this and wondered how others were doing.

[ModHerc]

I had the normal eating problems associated with early grief, but very few extended issues.  What you are going through sounds more like the problems I had with football games.

Football Sunday’s were a big day for us.  Planned meals and snacks, friends over, lots of talk and great times.  A real ritual celebration.

The night she passed, I was watching a football game I had missed due to the busy rush of the holidays.  That is probably what I was doing instead at the exact moment she passed as a matter of fact.  It produced quite a bit of guilt initially.

Ever since, football has been much less entertaining for me.  It has been better this year than last year, but still not like it was before.  I think eventually I will get back into it, but it will take a while.  As you said, it is full of lost memories.

That isn’t helpful for you regarding the food situation though.  I can wait a few seasons to watch a game.  You’ll get awful thin using that as a diet plan.

It sounds to me like you are tying a significant portion of your depression together with food, just as I tied a significant portion of my guilt to football.  Simply seeing and understanding that for me was one of the big steps forward.  I wanted to rid myself of the guilt feelings and thoughts, and identifying the link let me take a pretty significant step forward.  Maybe if you can identify some of the specifics of why food is triggering depression for you it will help.  Were there any specific moments where you recognized that you had lost or were losing the ability to share you love of food together?

If you can’t make any headway on that front, perhaps try altering your eating/cooking experience.  Try staying away from her favorites?  Aim for things you liked and she did not?  Maybe go with some recipes, cuisines, and/or cooking styles you’ve never tried before?  Not sure if any of that would work, but it might be worth a shot.

[tlc]

A major part of our relationship (Terry and I) was food. Before I met him in 1997, my kids had left home and I gave up on cooking. Really gave up. I was working full time and I ate frozen dinners and things on toast.

When Terry and I got together, I found the joy of cooking again. He loved my cooking and appreciated it so much. He loved it all. And, we loved cooking together! I couldn't go wrong but most of all he loved my curries! 

Towards the end, when he found difficulty eating it became very difficult for both of us because so much of our life had revolved around food. Here in Australia we BBQ all summer and just love it, eating outside on a warm evening. The smell of the BBQ.

So, I can really relate to how you feel and the lack of interest in food. I have lost interest in eating, cooking and food. I have lost soo much weight since Terry died in April. I am eating enough obviously to stay alive and am back to the basics..frozen dinners and beans on toast.

I really feel for you and for us all who are in this situation.

[foreverhis]

Oh my gosh.  I thought I might be alone in this.  I am an excellent cook and baker.  One of my greatest pleasures in life was nourishing my family.  I loved my career and our outside interests, but I so enjoyed creating recipes with my sweetie.  I will admit I spoiled the heck out of him for more than 30 years and I loved doing it.  Now I have a storage freezer full of his favorites that I can barely look at. 

During and after chemo, I made him whatever meals he wanted, whenever he wanted to help him keep up his strength.  While he was in the hospital or rehab and especially the many, many nights I slept in a recliner by his side, I ate deli food or hospital food or something frozen from the grocery I'd heat up wherever we were.  But I always brought him favorites from home, even coffee to have in his own cup.  I brought him things from his favorite restaurant and whatever I could think of to help him both emotionally and physically.  Later, he could eat less and less until he had to be put on a special diet.  Toward the end, I helped him eat what he could.  

For the past 5 months, I have eaten more commercially prepared food than I have in the previous 5 years or more.  I just don't have the energy or desire to do more than that. I don't really care right now, but I try to make a fresh healthy breakfast every day.  One of my problems is that I don't feel like eating.  But then my body ends up starving, so I sit down and eat kind of mindlessly, which ends up being too much.

Maybe I don't feel like cooking or baking not just because my husband isn't here to enjoy it with me, but also because part of me thinks that I should have been able to save him that way.  Like it's one way I failed him, even though everyone, literally everyone, tells me that I didn't fail him at all.  Do you think that could be part of it for you?

I urge you to find a few easy to prepare comfort foods that you will be able to eat.  I've found that what works for me is fruits and yogurt, simple salads (no cooking needed), soup, toast with cheese, and a few favorite Mexican and Italian foods.  I've found in particular that foods that go down easily and/or have strong flavors can be more palatable.  Think about the foods you usually eat if you are ill.  We are ill in a way, our minds and bodies certainly think so. I can understand your desire to make a Thanksgiving or other holiday meal, but perhaps you shouldn't put that kind of pressure on yourself.  Nothing in our lives is the same now.  Please don't think you need to do anything just because that's what we're "supposed" to do.

I think it's really difficult to let go of and separate cooking from caregiving.  For me, food and cooking are a depressing reminder of what, that is who, is missing from my life.  Could that be part of it for you too?

Whatever else you do, please try to eat better, even though it will be difficult and emotionally painful for now.

[KayC]

It's common to lose interest in food or cooking.  Part of the enjoyment used to be in our sharing in it.  George loved to eat, anything, everything, he was so appreciative of whatever I fixed, so naturally I enjoyed cooking for him.  

I've found it helps to have healthy stuff on hand.  I often make pots of soup with lots of vegetables and lean meat, so easy to heat a bowl of soup for dinner, I even freeze portions.  I also make kale smoothies and have one, a good way to make sure I'm getting enough produce in.  But as far as cooking fancy dishes or baking...that seems to be a thing of the past.  Of course I have to cook for my dog (he has Colitis) so I kind of get my fill of cooking.  My main concern is that I get healthy food down me as simply as possible. 

Part of our self-care is valuing ourselves enough to take care of ourselves and spoil ourselves even as we did them...I don't do it often, but once in a while I'll fix myself a really nice dinner just because I deserve it!  Most of the time, however, it's a piece of chicken and kale smoothie or a cup of soup.

 

[foreverhis]

I probably shouldn't be, but I am simply stunned at how many members here echo what I've been doing, feeling, and thinking.  It's the kind of support we can't get anywhere else but among people who are going through this too.

[Jamiei]

I remember my first grief session... one lady said I use to cook all day and now I open a can a soup! I only made it to 2 grief classes and that’s all I remember was that lady saying she opens a can a soup at night! Now that my shock has worn off I get it. I have a piece of toast in the morning and maybe a frozen pizza or grilled cheese at night. Our life use to revolve around food, Dewayne loved when I made him breakfast before work! Now the thought of cooking for myself would never happen. It’s so weird how everything is gone!

[ModHerc]

Wow, I had no idea how widespread this grief symptom was.  I'm so sorry for all of you that are encountering issues with it.  I love to cook, losing that basic joy must be very hard.

Maybe it was because my wife and I had very different tastes.  She liked hearty home style foods, three ingredient casseroles, simple breaded chicken, chili that was nothing but tomato soup with beans and meat.  For me that was very bland, I am much more of a spicy type of cook.

I make my own hot sauce and routinely do rubs on meat with cracked whole peppercorns.  I think that may have something to do with it.  I'm not sure if there is anyway to apply it to any of your situations, but thought I would mention it in the hope that it helps someone.

[LeannC45]

On 12/11/2018 at 9:09 PM, Moment2moment said:

I used to love to cook for both of us, but of course when she got really sick and eventually stopped eating in hospice, that scaled back big time.

Before she got really bad I would also go out to restaurants and bring back our favorites.

When she stopped eating it was the hardest thing as so much of our home life and togetherness was grocery shopping, finding new recipes,  enjoying cooking shows, cooking, and sharing meals. 

Now that all is gone and I set out to still try for healthy eating for one and bought a smaller crockpot and some other cooking stuff. But I have lost interest.

Nothing tastes good or it reminds me of our life together or I just don't feel like bothering. Even when I am not in a depressive funk.

I have gotten to the point of skipping meals or eating a bowl of cereal or a sandwich. I got stuff in for Thanksgiving but had no heart to eat it. I forced myself but it tasted like nothing and I threw most of it out. 

I know that under eating or over eating can be part of depression, but this is different. Food was love, memories, celebration, togetherness and now all that is gone. 

I am really struggling with this and wondered how others were doing.

I can relate to what you are going through. I loved to cook for my family as well. I loved making new dinners and watching my husband enjoy what I prepared. There really is nothing better then feeding people that appreciate your efforts , and my husband did. It makes me smile thinking about how happy some dinners would make him. Since he passed and I went from a household to literally living alone I barely cook or if I do the dinners are kind of pieced together. I might buy something precooked from the store and then add some fresh vegetables that I cook at home. I basically do not have the energy or desire to cook like I use to. I am however going to cook a small Christmas dinner for my son & his girlfriend. I feel like I need to in order to have something that feels normal. If I wipe away all the things I use to do when my husband was with me then I am wiping away what made me happy. My Christmas wish is that I carry what made my husband so amazing with me. His big warm smile and loud hearty laugh. He gave me so many gifts and I will remember and cherish those this holiday. 

[ForgetMeNot150]

@Moment2moment Thank you for starting this post. Reading the responses of those who feel the same way helps immensely.

Like others, my husband ate everything and appreciated it all. I loved to cook for him - even just making him a sandwich I would put so much more effort into it than if I made one for myself. Having two fussy kids who like different things makes dinner times tricky, so I just used to cook for him and they would have to eat it - before he was sick he would always devour all the leftovers! But now that he's not here, there is no point making dishes that both the kids don't really want to eat as it is a waste. I am vegetarian, so they don't want to eat the same as me either.

I don't have a choice but to make sure we all eat, but I find it exhausting just making a decision of what to make and quite often pick a lazy option instead of the proper balanced meals that we used to eat. I also have to make sure there is healthy food for their school lunches. Even trips to the supermarket aren't the same anymore and I have just lost the motivation to cook and feel guilty that I should be doing better for the girls. But I only have a week left of work and then have 3 weeks off for the Christmas (and summer) holidays. I am hoping that over that time I can rest and recharge and then use some of that energy to get them to help me start planning better meals and to start looking after myself better!

At the moment I am just too exhausted and getting up in the morning, getting the kids going and making it to work is an achievement and I don't have the energy to do anything else. 

[Sunflower2]

There was an initial shock to the changes in foodie joys and foodie loves.  We enjoyed the ritual of eating together. I always sat curled next to him in a restaurant.  I did not have a defined role as a cook in our relationship.  Neither of us really had defined roles.  They blended. I only commit to a meal with those that enjoy the beauty of food.  Meals are bonding moments.  It is where we come together in love joy and happiness even in grief  It may be my 100% being Italian. With that being said there are foods that were his favorite.  There is sadness with that and there are foods I haven't returned too yet.

I did try a food experience with a woman from the grief support group just this past Sunday.  It wont happen again.  A meal is my time to set aside grief.  Yes I understand were are all processing grief different. It was an energy space that was not healthy for me.  

This post may not blend in with what is shared on this thread.  yesterday my gf reminded me don't commit to a meal.  Commit to a coffee meetup first. Forgot my usual pattern of behavior.

Last xmas, my first without him, I did cook a simple meal we both loved and set the table for two. This xmas whatever evolves.  This will be my first without both my mom and him. 

 

 

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, LeannC45 said:

I barely cook or if I do the dinners are kind of pieced together. I might buy something precooked from the store and then add some fresh vegetables that I cook at home.

Pieced together meals are simple and healing.  Our appetites do change!

[LeannC45]

21 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

There was an initial shock to the changes in foodie joys and foodie loves.  We enjoyed the ritual of eating together. I always sat curled next to him in a restaurant.  I did not have a defined role as a cook in our relationship.  Neither of us really had defined roles.  They blended. I only commit to a meal with those that enjoy the beauty of food.  Meals are bonding moments.  It is where we come together in love joy and happiness even in grief  It may be my 100% being Italian. With that being said there are foods that were his favorite.  There is sadness with that and there are foods I haven't returned too yet.

I did try a food experience with a woman from the grief support group just this past Sunday.  It wont happen again.  A meal is my time to set aside grief.  Yes I understand were are all processing grief different. It was an energy space that was not healthy for me.  

This post may not blend in with what is shared on this thread.  yesterday my gf reminded me don't commit to a meal.  Commit to a coffee meetup first. Forgot my usual pattern of behavior.

Last xmas, my first without him, I did cook a simple meal we both loved and set the table for two. This xmas whatever evolves.  This will be my first without both my mom and him. 

 

 

I agree with you on recognizing when people are unhealthy to be around right away. I made the mistake of having lunch with my son, his girlfriend and her mother. I thought it would be good for me to be out and a bonding experience between the Mom's/kids but it went south from the minute I saw her. She didn't try to force any conversations about my husband or my situation it was actually the opposite. She rambled on a million miles a minute about things I couldn't relate to and her energy was so scattered that I found myself disconnecting from her almost as a survival instinct. Very weird experience, I still haven't decided if my feelings were because of where I am in my life or if she is not a right fit for me. LOL...I will give it another try sometime in the future for my son's sake. Sending you warm wishes of lighter moments and joy.

[Moment2moment]

Someone asked me if there were milestone connections to my struggle with eating since her death and the answer is yes.

With Thanksgiving I have entered into the beginning of the final leg of her illness journey of the previous 2 years. It was a year ago Thanksgiving that she ate her last real meal. I made sure that she had all her favorites. 

After that a new phase of her health decline began-a shutting down of her body was beginning, though I had no clue at the time.

For her last birthday dinner, Dec 13, 2017, she could not eat more than a bite or two.

Yes, today would have been her 69th birthday.

From this point on it only got worse. She could only tolerate certain finger foods and it broke my heart in a million ways to see the weight drop off of her in the coming months.

When the hospice nurse admitted her on January 3rd she is the one who told me that her body was shutting down with this eating change. I was in shock hearing that.

More changes unfolded over the next months, but I cannot talk about it now. I can't even let myself think about it.

I am having a really hard day today. I am trying to keep busy today, cleaning and grooming dogs, but it is not working.

Today my grief has invaded my body. I feel heavy and weak and on the verge of something I know not what.

Just want to fold up and cry till I die myself and that is not an option.

Got 2 senior dogs who need me though so I will give myself that old "quit feeling sorry for yourself pep talk".

I am sure you all know the one I am talking about. Please pray for me today.

Lily

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, Moment2moment said:

Someone asked me if there were milestone connections to my struggle with eating since her death and the answer is yes.

With Thanksgiving I have entered into the beginning of the final leg of her illness journey of the previous 2 years. It was a year ago Thanksgiving that she ate her last real meal. I made sure that she had all her favorites. 

After that a new phase of her health decline began-a shutting down of her body was beginning, though I had no clue at the time.

For her last birthday dinner, Dec 13, 2017, she could not eat more than a bite or two.

Yes, today would have been her 69th birthday.

From this point on it only got worse. She could only tolerate certain finger foods and it broke my heart in a million ways to see the weight drop off of her in the coming months.

When the hospice nurse admitted her on January 3rd she is the one who told me that her body was shutting down with this eating change. I was in shock hearing that.

More changes unfolded over the next months, but I cannot talk about it now. I can't even let myself think about it.

I am having a really hard day today. I am trying to keep busy today, cleaning and grooming dogs, but it is not working.

Today my grief has invaded my body. I feel heavy and weak and on the verge of something I know not what.

Just want to fold up and cry till I die myself and that is not an option.

Got 2 senior dogs who need me though so I will give myself that old "quit feeling sorry for yourself pep talk".

I am sure you all know the one I am talking about. Please pray for me today.

Lily

Sending prayers your way. 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

If I wipe away all the things I use to do when my husband was with me then I am wiping away what made me happy.

I don't like to use hyperbole, so please know this is coming from my heart.  That one sentence is profound, it really is.  I'm going to try to remember it. 

I know I won't be able to handle most things that remind me how happy we were and how miserable I am, but maybe a few things would be good.  Come to think of it, I have done a few of his "winter prep" chores and thought, "I hope I'm doing this okay, love.  I want you to be proud of me."  And I have baked a few specific things for our best friends (our "brother and sister by choice") that my husband also loved.  It's one way I show my love for them.  It wasn't easy, but the whole time I was mixing things up and baking them, I kept thinking about how much he loved the way that I loved him.

 

 

[KayC]

When we do something wonderful just for ourselves, it can be a way of loving ourselves.  Self-care is all the more important as we do for us what they wish they could do for us.

[Sunshine247]

I am experiencing this also. I too thought I was the only person who was having problems with food. Eating our favorite meals makes me sad - or in many cases, there is just too much food for just me and the rest of it gets wasted. Bob always did ALL of the cooking - he loved to cook, especially to grill and do BBQ - he even made his own sauce, that he called Bob B Que Sauce  I only discovered the joy of cooking about a year ago - especiallyl preparing crock pot/slow cooker meals. One of my favorites to prepare was a pot roast with potatoes and carrots and pearl onions and mushrooms. It is too much for just me to eat and I don't really have anyone here to share meals with. My brother and his family are only four doors down the street but no one wants to come up here for dinner and it is kind of cumbersome to be taking a crock pot full of food down the street, even if I drive. They also don't have the same tastes that we do. My sister in law enjoys cooking too so even if I suggest that I will make something for a family dinner, it is usually met with either rejection or disapproval that it isn't done the way that she would make it. Whatever. I personally think that if I worked full time, had three teenage/pre teen daughters and a husband who worked full time that if someone offered to make dinner for me, I would jump at the opportunity but my family is just weird. I've been eating a lot of soup - it is easy, it's nutritious and like the ads say, it is good food  I also order pizza about once a week. Maybe not the healthiest of choices right now, but at least I am eating and staying healthy and not gaining weight (so far) - also not losing weight, which I would like to lose a few pounds, but it is good that I'm not losing it out of stress or "anorexia" - which isn't necessarily an eating disorder, it is clinically the inability to eat. Cancer patients are diagnosed with anorexia and I'm pretty sure that most of them would love to be able to eat their favorite foods and continue with a regular program. Bob lost a lot of his sense of taste and things that he had enjoyed so much just became sickening to him. He was a brewer and enjoyed beer, and cocktails - he quit drinking all together in the past six months - it just made him nauseous. He loved coffee - the first thing that he would do every morning was make a pot of coffee - he had stopped drinking coffee in the last two months before he passed - again, just made him feel sick. My diet has changed too - it became difficult for me to prepare a meal for him, which usually consisted of chicken noodle soup and some other bland item - and for me - and it just became awkward - sitting in front of him eating something that he used to enjoy so much seemed cruel. 

Maybe you can develop some new recipes or dishes that you and your husband didn't usually have and you can enjoy them. The point that someone made about denying ourselves things that we enjoyed before is taking away our happiness and memories is so true. And there will be times when you are just going to have to force yourself to eat - it is just a task to be completed. I find myself doing this a lot - cheese and crackers with fruit has become a staple of my diet now because of this. Maybe if you are able to make arrangements with a friend or friends to have dinner out once a week, that will help? And of course, part of the remedy is just good old time... 

[foreverhis]

23 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

Please pray for me today.

I'm sending prayers for strength, for love, and for peace to you.

[KayC]

Sunshine,

Have you tried going ahead and making your favorite dishes and packaging them up and freezing them so you can pop one in the microwave?  I do that, I also buy chicken pieces and keep in the freezer in an freezer bag so I can pop one out along with my kale smoothie...not always into cooking just for me, not like when I had George and my son to cook for.

[KayC]

@Moment2moment  How'd you do with her birthday?  That's always tough...I didn't have to face his birthday until a year into it, he died five day's after his birthday but then it all hit at once.

[Moment2moment]

On 12/15/2018 at 12:05 PM, KayC said:

@Moment2moment  How'd you do with her birthday?  That's always tough...I didn't have to face his birthday until a year into it, he died five day's after his birthday but then it all hit at once.

I sang happy birthday to her in the morning and the rest of the day was spent reliving the past and pondering how I can't believe she is gone. Typical day, really. Hard to smile and feel any comfort in any of it. Thanks for asking.

[KayC]

(((hugs)))