Members Laney Posted December 11, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 11, 2018 I'm approaching six months since I lost the love of my life. It feels like it's getting harder. I guess maybe the holidays and all. I also lost my parents and only sister over the last few years, so my husband of 19 years was really my everything. We were two peas in pod, worked together, played music together, we were best friends and loved each other so much. No children, so I'm pretty much all alone. It's so hard to watch all of the family gatherings happening during this season and remember that I used to have those experiences. Never in a million years would I have thought my life would have turned out like this. So much loss and loneliness. I'm now that person during the holidays that's all alone. Some friends & extended family have invited me, but it's so strange when I used to host the holidays for my own immediately family. I'm lucky to have them invite me and I know they don't feel this way at all, but I feel like a third wheel in "their" family celebrations. People sometimes say to me, "you're so strong", but I'm not at all. I just have no other option. I have to get up every day and function. I do things with close friends and I can actually have a fairly good time while I'm hanging out with them, but I return to this extreme sadness and relentless grief as soon as I'm back home alone. I've been to grief sessions and see a counselor one-on-one. They seem to help somewhat, but I realize they can't make this exhausting grief go away. I miss him so very much.. it's so hard to imagine my future without him.. just a little bit of hope would be helpful glad to be able to come here where people can understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Brazil Man Posted December 11, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 11, 2018 Laney It's been 6 months and 13 days since I lost my wife. The pain is the same of months ago or still worst. Time goes by and seems not to care about our pain. I am very sorry for you loss and hope you can have some comfort although it's a very hard journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted December 11, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted December 11, 2018 @Laney, I'm so sorry for all your recent losses. I know that feeling of being a fifth wheel. I have been to several family functions on my wife's side of the family, and always feel a bit out of place. I am not, and no one does anything to make me feel that way, it just is. I've found that the closer their connection with her was, the more I feel it. I tend to go out more with the friends that were "mine" as opposed to the ones I knew through her. I also find I have to make conscious efforts to reach out to her family. I don't want to lose them, and I don't want them to feel as though I am uncomfortable around them, even if sometimes I am. You are strong. Anyone who can get up and function in the midst of their grief is strong. All of us on this forum know that all too well. It is good that you are getting out with friends and managing to enjoy those moments at least. I wish I could tell you that the grief will go away, but it hasn't for me closing on the two year mark. It has however become much different. It isn't nearly as debilitating or exhausting for me at this point. Functioning in day to day life is getting easier, and good memories of her now make me smile and laugh instead of cry, even if at the same time they are tinged with sadness for what was and should have been. I don't know if that is the hope you were looking for, or if it even really qualifies as hope at all. Unfortunately it is likely to get worse before it improves. In time it will probably change though, and get to a point where your grief, while still a part of you, becomes more manageable. Wishing you all the peace and comfort you can find, Herc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Laney Posted December 11, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted December 11, 2018 Thank you so much for your replies to my post. Hearing from others that understand does help give me some hope. I’m so sorry for your losses too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted December 11, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 11, 2018 Laney, As you can see, I am very new to the forum. I am so very sorry you have also lost the love of your life. It's amazing how similar many of our stories are. My husband and I were also musicians (by avocation, not profession). In fact, that's how we met. Though we had different careers, both were in technical/science fields. Our backgrounds were similar as well. Two peas in a pod describes it well. One of the reasons I started looking around the internet was that after about 3 months, I realized I was feeling worse and that everything seemed harder. Not that I expected anything to be better, but it was difficult to believe anything could be worse than those first several weeks. I felt like I was screaming inside all the time. Truth is that I still do. My husband was 10 years older, so we knew this might happen "some day." But we didn't expect it to be now. No one ever does, I suppose. It's strange, surreal even, to be alone. It does sometimes feel like he died yesterday with everything fresh and raw. I don't know if it gives you any comfort to know that I found numerous stories of new widows and widowers having similar experiences. It doesn't help that this seems to be about the time that family and friends back off, stop calling or checking in, and go back to their lives. I'm sure they don't intentionally mean to hurt us, but for me, it has felt a bit like I don't matter now. I realize that they have busy lives and other priorities, so I try not get angry with them. Sometimes I resent that everyone is moving on with their lives, making plans, looking to the future. That surprises me because I am not usually a jealous or resentful person. As a late-middle-age widow, I know few people who have lost their spouse. It feels, at least to me, like society doesn't know what to "do" with us. I have no doubt that this first holiday season makes everything even worse. All the enforced cheer; all the parties and festivities; all the greetings from strangers who have no clue there is no merry or happy for me now. I can't even watch ads for Christmas movies or shows, especially ones that had special meaning to me and my love. I hate going into stores and seeing all the happy people getting ready to celebrate. There again is that surprising resentment and anger. Even though we no longer did big Christmas decorating, parties, caroling, and all that, we had our own little at home traditions. Every year, our best friends come for an after Christmas through New Year's visit. We've decided to go ahead with that because they are among the few people I feel truly comfortable with right now. If you have a family member or friend like that, you might want to consider spending a little holiday time just with them. The emotional support and unconditional acceptance might help. About being considered "strong." I get that a lot too and it used to be true most of the time. You're right that we have no choice but to get up each day and try to function. Recently my sister-in-law mentioned it again and I blurted out something like, "You know perfectly well that only one thing could break me and that it is what happened. Why does everyone expect me to be strong now? It is because thinking that makes it easier for them?" I have no real answers for you except to say that it helped me to express my feelings at that moment. It doesn't make us weak to remind people that the strong person they know is broken. I wish I could offer you more than my own thoughts and experiences. I have decided not to feel guilty for feeling resentful and angry at the world sometimes and for not getting as much done as my mind tells me I should. I am so sorry that you too are going through this loss essentially alone. Remember that when you come here, you are not alone. I've only been here a week and I've discovered a world of support. I'm sending you big emotional support hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted December 12, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2018 20 hours ago, Laney said: I miss him so very much.. it's so hard to imagine my future without him.. just a little bit of hope would be helpful I am so sorry that you have lost the love of your life. It is something that can bring you to your knees and make you not want to get up again. I am at the 10 month mark and I have good days when I can remember him and smile or laugh about something he did or said. Then come the bad days where the smallest of things can make me cry and I don't even care if I get out of bed or not. We were married for 21 years and he was my true once in a lifetime love and I miss him more than I ever thought would be possible to miss someone. This journey is not easy but I have learned from others here that it is possible to find our way and that even though each of us feels different things with the grief, we are not alone and others here do understand. All of this is so hard, not knowing how to feel. Emotions going from happy to sad and back again. Feeling like a ping pong ball, hit from one side then the other. I am damaged from such intense pain and fear. Not understanding why I have to be here alone without you. Feeling like my life is not worth living but knowing I must continue on. Looking for something that will give me hope for tomorrow. Wanting to see rays of sunshine, not just tears that fall like rain. Knowing deep down inside that you would not want me to give up. So I am going to have to find a way to save my sanity. I will try hard to find a way to move thru all of the pain. Because I am the keeper of your love and memories. KB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 12, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted December 12, 2018 On 12/10/2018 at 10:21 PM, Laney said: I've been to grief sessions and see a counselor one-on-one. They seem to help somewhat, but I realize they can't make this exhausting grief go away No they can't make it go away, but perhaps they can help you learn to adjust and build a life you can live. It took me years, and it sounds like you've got a good start on it, you have friends and they want to include you in their celebrations. I don't think I could bear coming home to an empty house, if not for my dog and cat, I don't know what I'd do. But alas my cat is 23 and my dog nearly 11... This is indeed a hard journey to navigate. There's no one-size-fits-all, we have to find what works for us. It's a whole lot of hard work, isn't it! I'm glad you find comfort that you're not alone here, we're all going through it, trying to make our way through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted December 12, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2018 16 hours ago, KatB said: Because I am the keeper of your love and memories. That is beautiful and exactly right. We've lost the ones who knew and loved us best. The ones who shared our history and with whom we planned our futures. If nothing else, we must be the keepers of everything we had and hoped to have together. Thank you for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Laney Posted December 14, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted December 14, 2018 Thanks to all for sharing & replying. I truly find your responses show that I’m not alone nor the only one on this journey. Went to see my counselor this week. It’s almost like getting a tune-up. He does give me tools that help & pull me out of the pit I feel I’m in sometimes In the midst of all of the sadness, I’m trying to note things that I am grateful for, no matter his small. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted December 14, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 14, 2018 On 12/11/2018 at 1:21 AM, Laney said: I do things with close friends and I can actually have a fairly good time while I'm hanging out with them, but I return to this extreme sadness and relentless grief as soon as I'm back home alone. I've been to grief sessions and see a counselor one-on-one. They seem to help somewhat, but I realize they can't make this exhausting grief go away. 6 months is still very fresh but these reactions and feelings are not unique. This is all part of the grief journey. You are allowing yourself to step out of the grief by what you are doing. Even if it is only for the moment. You are taking healthy steps to heal. Thoughts are with you Laney as you navigate through your grief and your loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 14, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted December 14, 2018 Laney, You are trying to be aware and grateful for the good that still is, and that will be key in helping you through this. I know that sadness still exists alongside all of your other feelings, and it's something I've learned to coexist with...not that I'm always unhappy, quite the contrary, I've learned what is key to having a full and content life regardless of circumstances, but oh my gosh, it was neither quick nor easy! And it doesn't mean you don't have meltdowns along the way. Few of us have lives that go our way, instead calamities come, life disappoints, we have suffering and trials we go through, but the inner person can learn to coexist with their grief and embrace what good you look for and find, living in this present moment so as not to miss any good that is there for us! They say that six months is the hardest time for us so you are doing well to hold your head up! Thankfully you're doing what you can, seeing a counselor, going to grief support groups...no grief may not go away, but it does evolve and it will get a little lighter as you adjust little by little, in time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted December 14, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 14, 2018 40 minutes ago, KayC said: it was neither quick nor easy! and when we push it thinking we can get through it quick that's sometimes a creation of frustration and a meltdown. whew. still happens and 15 months into this. 41 minutes ago, KayC said: meltdowns along the way and we cant navigate around these...there is a calm though afterwards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 15, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted December 15, 2018 You're right, we must allow the meltdowns their way and give ourselves ample time to process our grief it's own way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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