Approaching one year...

[floyd11554]

I haven't been on here in a while but I thought this board was very helpful when I needed it those first few brutal months.  

The one year mark is approaching and I have thought that with more time things would become clearer or I don't want to say easier but it just seems to get more intense and magnified as time has passed.  The holidays certainly don't help that.   My mother passed in 11 and my father in 16 and now the love of my life at the beginning of 18 so this is now truly the first holiday season completely alone and watching everyone else all happy is very hard to come to grips with when each day feels so alone and empty.  Not to mention I work in retail management so I am surrounded by the stench of the holiday season every day for eight hours.  

The holidays were always a very special time for us mainly cause of New Years that would involve us spending four nights with our favorite band inside Madison Square Garden every year.  This only amplifies things even further.  We were there last new years and went into 2018 with such hope and promise.  That this was going to be our year.  The one where everything finally clicked for us financially and we started to really reach our goals after eight years of trying to make ends meet.  Then five days later she was gone and I still can't understand why and what to do next.  

I also haven't heard from her parents in quite a while.  I messaged her mom on thanksgiving and didn't even get a reply back.  I understand their grief too but it felt very cold.   I guess I am just rambling at this point but this board was good for that last time so I figured why not again.   Just lonely and any interaction is a good one right now.   

[ModHerc]

@floyd11554,

Welcome back.  I think where things became a little clearer and started slowing down for me was after Valentine’s Day the second year.  There are no timelines in grief, and every experience is unique of course.  For me as the one year mark approached I also felt as if it were intensifying.

The holidays, the prospect of another year with my loss, much of the support having completely vanished by that point.  It gets overwhelming.  I made it through the one year mark, it was of course very rough.  My daughter wanted to assemble the same group that had been there on Christmas the year prior.   There were some strained relationships within the family that needed repairing, just a ton of chaos right on top of reliving the single worst day of my life.

After that I started in on the concerns for the winter/spring.  There are a ton of events and dates for me between February and April. My moms birthday, “adopted” daughters birthday, Valentines Day, wifes birthday, Easter, and daughters birthday, so it was an absolute nightmare that first year hitting all of that right around the two month mark.  As I approached it the second year, I definitely had some anxiety.

The second year of course still held deep sadness and grief, that is my life now and those two will always be with me to a degree.  But as I hit that Valentine’s Day stretch, if occurred to me that I had done it before and could do it again.  Things that had been absolutely overwhelming the first time through, while still difficult at least now seemed manageable.  I won’t say it eased, but I had gained a far greater understanding of my own grief and how to manage it, and at least a little confidence in my own abilities started to come back to me.  Perhaps you will have a similar experience.

I’m sorry the relationship with her parents is strained.  I read how positive the exchange of the ashes was for you.  Perhaps her mom just got caught up with other issues on Thanksgiving, or was having a particularly hard moment herself right then?  It might be worth reaching out again to try to reestablish contact.

Please come and ramble any time.  That is what this board is for.  Wishing you peace and calm on this long hard journey,

Herc

[Sunflower2]

11 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

The one year mark is approaching and I have thought that with more time things would become clearer or I don't want to say easier but it just seems to get more intense and magnified as time has passed.  The holidays certainly don't help that

in keeping it simple.  I do find in my personal grief experiences that there are intense grief waves even as we hit the one year mark.  as I enter my 15th month of my partner loss I'm feeling an intensity of feelings that did take me by surprise.  One being anger. Just surprised it popped back in with such an obsession.  This is your first holiday without the people who were connected to you unconditionally.  This is my very first also without those that I was connected to unconditionally.  Holidays add stress and will magnify how different our lives are. For me I see it as another layer being peeled off in our process. For me this year feels like total abandonment. A very natural feeling considering our losses. Multiple losses!. My anger I've acknowledged as "abandonment rage."  It's part of the process.  Now I work on balancing it, respecting it and understanding it. No it isn't easy.  

Know all you are experiencing is so real and so natural as painful as it is. 

11 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

I guess I am just rambling at this point but this board was good for that last time so I figured why not again.   Just lonely and any interaction is a good one right now.   

you are not rambling. You agree sharing your struggle which is authentic.

[floyd11554]

@Herc

Thank you for your words and advice.  I too feel that I need to just get past this first year.  Not that it will become any easier but once I have it behind me than I will at least know what to expect in my grief when I hit certain anniversaries and such.   What would have been our eight year anniversary was only two months after she passed.  When I hit that again in March like you said I will at least have an understanding of how to approach it.  Thanksgiving was rough but that was never a big holiday for us.  It was all about Christmas Eve and New Years which I am expecting to be brutal.  At least with work even though it reminds me of holiday hell will keep me mostly busy the rest of the month.

@Sunflower2

So true on the feeling of abandonment.  Not just from our losses but from all those around us these years that are just gone.  Family, friends, that were connected that have moved on and to be honest never were really around in the first place.  This last year has shown me how little I can count on some people and then people should act surprised for why I want to abandon this part of the country and go west.  I set myself a goal of my 40th birthday to make that happen as I followed the advice of many on here in not making drastic decisions in the first year.  Its been all about getting my debt down and what I need to do for myself to move forward.  

I know you will make it thru this first holiday season just as I will thanks to the support of everyone here like yourself who have been so helpful.  

[KayC]

That's a whole lot of major losses in a relatively short time.  I remember you from when you were coming on here...hope you get through the one year anv of death with some peace, about all we can hope for, right?  It's tough no matter how you look at it.  Thinking of you...

[floyd11554]

Thank you KayC,  from the first time I signed on here you always have had the best advice and the best words.   Peace and stability is all I hope for.  The semblence that life can be normal again or at least as close to it as possible.  We hope for the best and the best way we can pass each day.   Will it ever be total peace?  I doubt it but I will settle for pockets here and here when I can get it.  

[KayC]

I have peace, even though I continue to miss him each and every day of my life.  The changes that take place in our grief are so gradual as to hardly notice them...that is until we look back to where we were earlier on.

[floyd11554]

That is a good point.  Thinking back to where I was at earlier in the year to now and I can see that I have had some positive change in how I handle things.  Moving out of the apartment was a big step since it gave me new surroundings and my neighbors who have become my friends.  Ironically they have done more for me in the 5 months I have lived here than just about everyone in my life that was supposed to be oh so important but have virtually disappeared.  They are something I can be thankful for.  I try to keep things in some perspective so I don't keep myself oblivious to the very few things that have been a positive the last few months.  They get drowned out of course by the grief but at this point I can be thankful I wound up here cause if I was still in the other place I think I wouldn't have made any progress at all.  

[Michelene]

4 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

That is a good point.  Thinking back to where I was at earlier in the year to now and I can see that I have had some positive change in how I handle things.  Moving out of the apartment was a big step since it gave me new surroundings and my neighbors who have become my friends.  Ironically they have done more for me in the 5 months I have lived here than just about everyone in my life that was supposed to be oh so important but have virtually disappeared.  They are something I can be thankful for.  I try to keep things in some perspective so I don't keep myself oblivious to the very few things that have been a positive the last few months.  They get drowned out of course by the grief but at this point I can be thankful I wound up here cause if I was still in the other place I think I wouldn't have made any progress at all.  

I am glad that your new neighbors are a support for you. 

 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

Ironically they have done more for me in the 5 months I have lived here than just about everyone in my life that was supposed to be oh so important but have virtually disappeared. 

Isn't that amazing?  I found that to be true as well.  My husband's siblings and dad disappeared immediately from my life and so did all of our friends, some not even coming to his funeral!  People stun you.  But I made a new friend and we were very close, a few years later her husband died and we were there for each other.  Four years ago she moved away and remarried and I've worked hard at putting myself out there and trying to build new friendships.  It's coming along, little by little.  I'm involved in a lot of "groups" which helps, I lead a grief support group, volunteer at the senior site twice a week, am in a weekly ladies group, two monthly ladies groups, a Bible study, and a growth group, so between that and church, I have a lot of contacts and social interaction. it really is a lot of work trying to build friendships at this age!  When we were young it seemed more effortless, but the older one gets, others seem to already have their friendships and support in place and see no need for more with time constraints, etc.

[floyd11554]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

Isn't that amazing?  I found that to be true as well.  My husband's siblings and dad disappeared immediately from my life and so did all of our friends, some not even coming to his funeral!  People stun you.  But I made a new friend and we were very close, a few years later her husband died and we were there for each other.  Four years ago she moved away and remarried and I've worked hard at putting myself out there and trying to build new friendships.  It's coming along, little by little.  I'm involved in a lot of "groups" which helps, I lead a grief support group, volunteer at the senior site twice a week, am in a weekly ladies group, two monthly ladies groups, a Bible study, and a growth group, so between that and church, I have a lot of contacts and social interaction. it really is a lot of work trying to build friendships at this age!  When we were young it seemed more effortless, but the older one gets, others seem to already have their friendships and support in place and see no need for more with time constraints, etc.

That is so sad to me.  How can people who claim to be close friends not even show up to the funeral?  The only saving grace to that I see is at least you found out what kind of people they were and that you didn't need them in your life anyway.  It is just heartbreaking that in such a time of need that people can be so cold and really show their true colors.  I get that they say life goes on but I don't think any of us are asking for much out of the ones in our lives other than some support and someone to talk to.  All i have wanted from anyone around me is to call me up and say lets go out so I can take my mind off of things for just a little while.  With a few exceptions of a few good people that has been few and very far between.  

I agree the older we get the harder it is to make new friends.  You just aren't in the same situations as we were when we were younger to begin those friendships.  It seems like it happens  at the workplace or bust most of the time.  Sounds like you have found a good balance to keep yourself and your mind busy with a good amount of social interaction as well.  With all those groups you are guaranteeing yourself that you will have some people to talk to and new people to meet.   I have had a hard time putting myself out there cause I just don't have it in me and my faith in people is at an all time low sadly.  Baby steps I keep telling myself and I will slowly get there.  

[KayC]

These were my two best friends.  I had been through both of them throughout their divorces, staying with them late into the night, being that shoulder to lean on, etc.  Yet they couldn't even come to his funeral? It finished our friendships.  I just didn't have any more time to waste on people that self-centered, what good is a friendship if it's not a two way street?

Baby steps is right.  When I was working full time and had a long commute, I didn't have the time but I had my one bestie that I made after George died.  She'd been a mere acquaintance from church but the weekend he died I was out of town and didn't know he'd had a heart attack.  She was visiting her husband in the hospital and split her time up between him and George, since George was alone.  That meant a lot to me when I learned that.  I became very close to her and her husband and he died just a few years later.  We spent a lot of time together and she didn't see herself ever remarrying...until a few years later her daughter introduced her to a close friend...now they've married and she's back in TX.  I miss her but I'm very happy for her.

[floyd11554]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

These were my two best friends.  I had been through both of them throughout their divorces, staying with them late into the night, being that shoulder to lean on, etc.  Yet they couldn't even come to his funeral? It finished our friendships.  I just didn't have any more time to waste on people that self-centered, what good is a friendship if it's not a two way street?

Baby steps is right.  When I was working full time and had a long commute, I didn't have the time but I had my one bestie that I made after George died.  She'd been a mere acquaintance from church but the weekend he died I was out of town and didn't know he'd had a heart attack.  She was visiting her husband in the hospital and split her time up between him and George, since George was alone.  That meant a lot to me when I learned that.  I became very close to her and her husband and he died just a few years later.  We spent a lot of time together and she didn't see herself ever remarrying...until a few years later her daughter introduced her to a close friend...now they've married and she's back in TX.  I miss her but I'm very happy for her.

I don't blame you.  When you needed them most they were no where to be found.  After being there for them and they couldn't even do the bare minimum is the type of stuff that makes me wonder what kind of species we really are that does that to people.  Friendships like all relationships are absolutely two way streets and takes two to tango and sadly you were the only dance partner at that moment.  I know that feeling unfortunately quite well.  These types of pain and grief certainly allows you to weed out the ones that shouldn't be around going forward.  I'm like you, I don't have time for people that don't want to put the effort to be in my life even at a bare minimum.  When I see that from someone I just disappear, they just never hear from me again.   Its petty but if I get coldness than coldness is exactly what I return. 

 

Sounds like your bestie was a good person and had a very wonderful heart.  Do you still speak to her even though she got remarried and moved away?   Hearing that she was able to remarry gives me some hope that at some point I will find the strength to put myself back out there and try and love again.  I'm not naive and I know that its inevitable but its just so hard to comprehend.  

[KayC]

No, it's not petty at all.  Many of us rewrite our address books after we've been through this.

Oh yes, my BFF and I talk on the phone, but it's not the same, we've moved on with our lives the way one does because you have to!  She's busy with her husband, as she should be, and her daughter lives one block from her.  We used to get together and do things, now that's no longer possible.  But someday I may just get on a plane...

[Sunflower2]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

But someday I may just get on a plane...

yes do it!!!!!!!!!

[floyd11554]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

No, it's not petty at all.  Many of us rewrite our address books after we've been through this.

Oh yes, my BFF and I talk on the phone, but it's not the same, we've moved on with our lives the way one does because you have to!  She's busy with her husband, as she should be, and her daughter lives one block from her.  We used to get together and do things, now that's no longer possible.  But someday I may just get on a plane...

That is a fair point.  Certain relationships have definitely been strained over the course of the last year.  I have no idea if they can be rectified or not and if I follow through and move away like I want in two years than they probably never will.  

I think that is great that you still keep some communication even though you are apart.  Have you looked into skype or facetime so you two can talk on a more personal level and see each other?   It may help the distance not feel like its so far and almost feel like you are in the same room just casually spending time with one another.  

And as Sunflower2 also just said, yes you absolutely should get on a plane and get out there.  

[KayC]

There is no skyping in my area, I'm in the country, no cellphone coverage either!  I know that probably seems hard to fathom to a world glued to theirs, but I moved here long before they were thought of.

Any traveling will have to wait, right now I have a special needs dog and a 23 year old cat, but someday I will go see her.

[floyd11554]

That is kinda crazy to think about in almost 2019 but also shows how far behind we still are when it comes to internet service and speeds in this country.  In a way though it also sounds kinda peaceful to not have to be so dependent on it cause it simply isn't available.  Reminds of a simpler time.  

 

[KayC]

They are quick to provide a metropolis with high speed internet but here they don't even replace worn out phone lines...my street is out of "hook ups" for landlines, newcomers are out of luck for phone service!  It's crazy.  The gov't has stipulated they must provide it but it means they'd have to replace archaic worn out equipment and they're pretty slow providing that!

[Lolo1950]

My husband passed away on December 11, 2016. It has been a roller coaster ride for me. Sometime I feel like I am moving on and then suddenly I feel like I am going backward. Until I read the posts on here, I felt like I was alone. Now it's Christmas and I get sad hearing the music and commercials and decorations. I cannot sleep without sleeping pills. The first year I dreamed about him every night and in the dreams I was always crying and calling his name but he never responded or looked at me. It got so bad that I prayed to God to not let me have them again. An God did and my dreams were more happy times. I am Saved so my Faith in God thru Jesus Christ is my anchor. My condolences and prayers for all of you. Thank you for sharing your stories, they encourage me.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Lolo1950 said:

My husband passed away on December 11, 2016. It has been a roller coaster ride for me. Sometime I feel like I am moving on and then suddenly I feel like I am going backward. Until I read the posts on here, I felt like I was alone. Now it's Christmas and I get sad hearing the music and commercials and decorations. I cannot sleep without sleeping pills. The first year I dreamed about him every night and in the dreams I was always crying and calling his name but he never responded or looked at me. It got so bad that I prayed to God to not let me have them again. An God did and my dreams were more happy times. I am Saved so my Faith in God thru Jesus Christ is my anchor. My condolences and prayers for all of you. Thank you for sharing your stories, they encourage me.

@Lolo1950  I'm glad you made your presence known so we might meet you.  I'm glad it helps you to feel less alone, to know others have been there, are there!  Last night I couldn't go to sleep, I wish I had sleeping pills to get me through the nights when anxiety is kicking in and I cannot turn off my mind...

It's been 13 years for me.  I have never stopped missing him, not one day goes by but what he's uppermost in my heart and mind.  

I'm glad you have your faith, it is priceless and and helps so much!  I hope you'll continue to come here and read and post.  I'm here, reading, listening.

[floyd11554]

One year ago today I lost my light, my heart, and my soul.  The reasons for which I will never be able to fully comprehend.  For 365 days I have tried to make some sense of it and the only things I have been able to come to a realization on is that with time things can get more difficult and less difficult at the same time.  You come to a sort of acceptance that this is your life now and for whatever reason you have to be apart.   You also have to go on each day missing them more and more.  

The reminders are everywhere, the music in the background, the nerdy thing in the window, the moments when you can't wait to tell her something, even the most mundane things but they are not here for you to tell.   The little moments are what you miss most.  Late nights with Uncharted or whatever current game we were immersed in, sitting on the couch cuddling watching the food network until 5am, that first bite of delicious Indian or Thai food, or the most common which was whatever webcast we were couch touring  listening to till the wee hours of the morning.  

You spend the year relearning how to do these things again on your own and I have to admit I haven't been very successful in that regard.  I still can't put on the food network or fire up most video games.  I finally brought Phish back into my life this past Sunday.   You want to fight and persevere cause you know that she would want nothing but happiness for you as she brought to you every day you were together.   

As I attempt to embark on another year without you I know you are still with me each and every day I wake up and when I go back to sleep.  You will always remain my light, my heart, and my soul. Forever my dearest, my love, my Kerri.  

[ModHerc]

Beautiful @floyd11554.  Wishing you all the peace and comfort you can find today and in the next year,

Herc

[floyd11554]

6 hours ago, Herc said:

Beautiful @floyd11554.  Wishing you all the peace and comfort you can find today and in the next year,

Herc

Thank you Herc.  Wishing you the same as well.  

[floyd11554]

To update my first post in this thread I thought I should mention that I spent Christmas with her parents for dinner and it was very nice.   I'm glad to have reconnected with them and I hope to continue to see them more going forward.  I know all of us are struggling and have to cope however we can so I hope we can all help each other more in that regard.  

[Brazil Man]

10 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

the moments when you can't wait to tell her something, even the most mundane things but they are not here for you to tell.

I know how you feel because I also feel so.
My heart goes out to you.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

You spend the year relearning how to do these things again on your own and I have to admit I haven't been very successful in that regard.  I still can't put on the food network or fire up most video games

I could not watch t.v. for a year.  I didn't have the focus to read for pleasure (beyond how to books or grief books) for TEN years!  I'm glad I finally got it back as I always loved reading.  But watching t.v. was something we did together, cuddled up, and that was hard without him.  Also...music.  He loved music, it was very painful to listen to our songs, it's STILL terribly painful!  I don't do it often.  I think the decision of whether to continue/return to the things we did together is an individual one, what we can handle at the moment, if it brings us comfort...I applaud you for trying!

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

I could not watch t.v. for a year.  I didn't have the focus to read for pleasure (beyond how to books or grief books) for TEN years!  I'm glad I finally got it back as I always loved reading.  But watching t.v. was something we did together, cuddled up, and that was hard without him.  Also...music.  He loved music, it was very painful to listen to our songs, it's STILL terribly painful!  I don't do it often. 

Well then, I'm not so crazy after all (at least in this regard).  I can't watch the movies we loved or things that involve death.  I have no interest in finding new TV shows either for myself or that we would have enjoyed together.  I can't maintain my focus on anything new.

I was a voracious reader.  I've read precisely 1-1/2 books in the past 6 months.  I've got a huge stack waiting, but I can't seem to do anything with them.

And music?  Well, we're musicians by avocation, so that's impossible in many ways just now.  I've had a couple of our favorite love songs get stuck as ear worms, in one case for nearly 3 weeks.  Actually, members here might relate to one of them.  The song "One Hand, One Heart" from West Side Story was one we liked for its simplicity and sentiment.  We've both done productions, so it's personal to us as well.  The last line is "Even death won't part us now."  That's been going around and around and around in my head off and on for me for the last 6 months.

I've been wondering if I'll ever be able to enjoy any of these things again.  But I'm still in the first year and in agonizing pain every day.  It's heartening to know that someday down the road I might be able to watch, read, or listen and not absolutely lose it so often.

 

[Sunflower2]

@foreverhis I believe in time we will again enjoy a trip to the movie and music again and our books.  Taking baby steps toward making the new year better is what I'm trying to do. Your journey is fresh. I believe we will enjoy these activities  again, differently, but in a new wholeness with a deeper understanding and appreciation. In time I hope we all will find comfort in this different wholeness. I want to find that peace in accepting that some activities where I found so much joy  in may be replaced by new ones. To me that brings some pain in accepting that was no longer is on this level. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I've been wondering if I'll ever be able to enjoy any of these things again. 

I concur with Sunflower...at least in my experience it has returned, albeit it took quite some time, but other things may have contributed to my lack of ability to focus too (stressful job, lack of time)...I don't think I was ever as exceptional in my focus and clarity of mind at my job that I had been before this, but then again, I'm getting older too!  My sisters tell me I have to expect that to some degree.