Family Dynamics Disaster

[Vivace50494]

It just keeps piling on!  You may remember that I told you my large (and unforgiving) family turned their backs on me when I came out to them 25 years ago.  I don’t know what possessed me - other than the overwhelming sadness and pain of losing my beloved Patrick - but I tried texting and emailing my sister again basically begging her to open her heart and give our relationship another chance at reconciliation.  I have felt so restless and ungrounded.  I so wanted to matter again to someone who would love and accept me and include me in their lives.  Well, she hasn’t responded.  Her silence is deafening and the rejection hurts so much.  I’m just so afraid of being alone.  Night after night, day after day, I’m alone in this apartment.  Yes I do my errands, I take the dogs to the bank, omorrow I go to the doctor but I just don’t matter to anyone.  I am hurting so bad.  Why doesn’t anyone care?  Why do I have to beg others to show me some compassion?  I guess I’m not worthy.  I guess Patrick’s love foe me was just a fluke.  I’m trying.  God knows I’m trying but tomorrow it’s been a month since Patrick died and it’s definately getting worse not better.  I don’t expect you to keep trying to be supportive.  I don’t think I can keep feeling this way.  Am I so disgusting?  Annoying?  Why did god take away the only person who ever loved me?

[ModHerc]

You are worthy, and the people on this forum recognize it and care.  There are others who care as well, though you don’t see it yet.  Even if you don’t see that, or believe it, you know Patrick’s love wasn’t a fluke.  No one cares as deeply as we do without knowing their partners feelings as well.   My guess is that he loved you as much as you loved him, and regardless of anything else that happens, nothing can or will ever change that.

I know how long that first month feels.  I think at the beginning it always feels like it’s getting worse as the initial shock wears off.  You are not disgusting, you are not annoying, and I guarantee the people here will keep being supportive, both because we want to, and because you deserve it.  I am probably not the best person to speak to about God, but I don’t believe for a second that he took Patrick from you with malevolence.

I am once again so sorry about your families small minded thoughts and actions.  All I can say on that front is that they do not deserve you.  I could come up with a lot of things I would like to say to them, but I think the best course of action for you would be to simply let them know you love them, and that if they wish to reach out in the future they are welcome to.  If you did reestablish contact with them, I can’t say for certain that it would be good for you.  For now I think you should focus on you, and let them live in their tiny little world.  Wishing you all the strength and resolve I can,

Herc

[KayC]

I don't look at it as someone taking them from us so much as their bodies did not hold out due to illness or tragedy. 

No, I don't think Patrick's love for you was a fluke, more like the greatest gift one could have.  When George and I met it was amazing the connection, the communication, I've never had that before or since.  Some people never have that in their whole life!  Like Herc said, nothing can or will ever change that love you have for each other.

I can't begin to get behind the mind of your family, I know it's hurtful to you to feel their rejection, but please try to think of it as a flaw in them, not in you.  You can't get from people what they don't have, and it doesn't sound like they have a reservoir of love to hand out.  I'm sorry.  It's not you...it truly is them.

 

[ForgetMeNot150]

@Vivace50494

I think Herc and KayC have pretty much said everything, but I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know that I am thinking of you. 

My grief got worse after the first month too and that's when I started getting panic attacks which I hadn't had before that point. They have eased a bit now (almost 3 months in), but I think I have just learned to deal with them so they aren't as bad or scary. Unfortunately there is no easy way to get through this and we just have to take each day at a time, whatever that brings.

You are not disgusting or annoying and you are not alone. To be honest the only person you need to worry about loving you is YOU. You are a beautiful person, you just need to believe it as I'm sure Patrick did. If others can't see it, then it is their loss. 

Thinking of you and please don't ever feel like you won't get support here. We are all struggling through this just like you. 

Ps. I don't think you can fluke love for 25 years! ♥

[KayC]

I think panic attacks and anxiety must be pretty common in grief, I sure hear a lot of grievers have it, I know I have although it's been years since I've had a panic attack now.  In the early years I sure did!

[Moment2moment]

They've said it all and I will add that you have got to be your own best friend, corny as that may sound.

Stay away from people who don't accept you for the person that you are. They are small minded homophobes and you need not waste your time and energy with them.

Focus on your own self care now and celebrate the live that you and he shared.

I strongly suggested the other day that you call up a local hospice organization to get an immediate appointment with a grief counselor. 

You have to take steps to pull yourself up and find support for yourself as a person who has lost your spouse.

You have nothing to be ashamed of in being a gay man and nothing to prove to anybody.

I suspect that you live in a very backward area of the country or that you lived a very isolated life as a gay man.

It is time to step out and be proud of who you are and learn how to be an individual who deserves to be treated with respect.

I would not grovel for one minute at these people's feet to get them to care about you. To hell with them.

Find some new friends that loved and acknowledged you and Patrick as a couple and can support you in your grief.

Get out of that lonely dark silent room and tell yourself that you can do better than to continue to sit by as a victim.

"Get busy living or get busy dying." You cannot allow others to demean you to the point that you demean yourself and your life's future as well.

I suspect that you were overly dependent on Patrick to create your world. Now you will have to learn to create your own world and the first thing I would do is leave toxic, non-accepting people out of it.

Go find some true friends to accept you as you are. More importantly, learn to be your own best friend from here on out.

My words may sound tough, but I have lived a lot of this too. You don't need to put yourself through their crap now or ever.

Now call and get yourself a ttherapist who can help you sort all this out and feel some support!

 

Hospice counselors and support groups are free. At least where I live.

 

[KayC]

Moment2moment said a lot of good truths.  We are behind you!  It takes time to build friendships, and I know you may not feel up to the effort, but do try, all of ours disappeared when he died, but I made a best friend and she was a godsend, she moved away a few years ago and I've had to work very hard at trying to build new friendships, am finally getting there although none as close as the one that moved away.

I don't like the "get busy living or get busy dying" for the simple reason that in the early time we literally FEEL like dying and it wouldn't take much to push us over the edge...suffice with the "get busy living" rather, although I know it's easy to say, hard to do.  You don't need people who aren't going to be supportive in your life right now.  Now is the time to put yourself first, protect yourself, understand yourself, take care of yourself.

[Moment2moment]

I had NO support or even acknowledgement for the 3 years prior to my partner's going into hospice or during the 5 months she suffered there. 

Not a card, not a call, not a flower, not a visit. One friend out of state knew and she kept in touch but was too frail elderly herself to travel to do anything.

But she cared and she called and she helped financially during really lean times when we had no grocery money.

God bless her for she got me through on days when I thought there was no hope.

Meanwhile, an hour away is my partner's family who all have high paying jobs, nice houses, go on vacations twice a year, have all the latest gadgets, and couldn't even bother to send a card or make a phone call, much less visit her in the hospital.

I had never seen human beings act so cold and indifferent to another person in my life. It was shocking to me and still is. I am trying to let go of that rage through my counseling but I am not sure I ever will or should.

My mother-in-law would be rolling in her grave to see how they treated her daughter who lay dying. Though the truth is they pretty much ignored her before she died in the nursing home too. They are shallow and selfish and I say karma is a bitch.

I say "get busy living" not to diminish the need to grieve but to highlight the need to try to look toward a future.

I told my counselor that all through hospice I feared that I would die myself and not be there for my loved one when her time came. I didn't die, but neither was I there at the moment she took her last breath.

I know that somehow I was not supposed to be there and I accept that on faith. I won't go into that here.

You will have to move into a mode of facing and creating life for yourself somehow, if you are going to survive and eventually thrive.

That is what I meant and I tell myself this daily. There is nothing I share with you that I don't experience myself.

Be strong, my friend. You are loved. 

[Sunflower2]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

I think panic attacks and anxiety must be pretty common in grief, I sure hear a lot of grievers have it, I know I have although it's been years since I've had a panic attack now.  In the early years I sure did!

I can only share from my personal experience. there were probably a couple panic attacks at some point in my life but I know for a fact it's been a good 45+ yrs before having any.  Since my loss I've experienced them and I am amazed at how they feel!  Totally awful.  I know with a consistent routine of exercise and a yoga practice they are minimum in grief.  The catch is grief is exhausting and its difficult to maintain the consistent routine exercise/yoga routine in the winter especially. Anxiety as well.  minimum anxiety is normal but in grief it does occur with more intensity and frequency, Prior to these losses even my anxiety was minimum to nonexistent. They are common in grief.  The entire psyche is out of sync.  

[ModHerc]

33 minutes ago, Moment2moment said:

They are shallow and selfish and I say karma is a bitch.

@Moment2moment,

Yep.  For those who are mindlessly hurtful, I have a bit of pity.  When people are intentionally hurtful, either for selfish reasons, or due to rigid belief structures they can't get past, I hope the universe gives them exactly what they deserve.  It holds true for all rigid belief structures, I had several relatives who were not happy about the funeral arrangements, they wanted it to be far more church and faith based than it was.  They tried to take it out on my daughter rather than me.  That was a situation where I did step in and confront them.  Most of the time I let things go, but go after my kid and I am going to give karma a helping hand.

I know that both you and Vivace have much more frequent and heated issues with people who can't get past their own viewpoints to empathize with others.  I am very sorry that either of you has to deal with it.  As far as the rage goes, just keep in mind, you can recognize how wrong, cruel, and archaic their views and actions are without letting it affect your emotional state.  When you let them alter your peace and progress through this journey, you give them power.  You know as well as I do they do not deserve that power.  A lot easier said than done though, I know.  Wishing you the peace and confidence to continue to rise above the idiots, and knowing you have it,

Herc

[Sunshine247]

@Vivace50494 - you mention that you have dogs. Find comfort in them. They need you and love you unconditionally. I have two of my own and honestly, if it weren't for them most days, I'm not sure that I would still be around. I am not suicidal - I am more emotionally suicidal - I want to disappear and live in a hole and hibernate for a while and see if anyone misses me or notices that I'm gone. I know that there are people who will - some people from this forum, and I am grateful to have become friends with them - and I have a lot of friends who would worry. But my family? None of them can even be bothered to call me to see how I am doing. Bob passed on October 4 - it is 9 weeks since yesterday, and it was two months calendar wise on Tuesday. My mother did call on Tuesday and told me that she remembered - and then launched into a run down of her extremely busy social life and how important she is. But at least she called. I still have not heard one word from my sister whose husband couldn't come to Bob's memorial but could get on a plane two days later to go on vacation with HIS brother. My other sister just yells at me every time I talk to her so I quit talking to her. My brother and sister in law are so self absorbed - they went up to San Francisco for Bob's memorial there and managed to spend all of two hours at the celebration - they were too busy hitting every winery and brewery that they wanted to see - I did tell my brother that my feelings were hurt that they didn't spend more time with me - especially after I changed my hotel reservation and paid an extra $350 to have a room that they could stay in with me for Sunday night and then my sister in law decided that they would start driving back and just spend the night along the way at a Motel 6 or wherever - I was staying at the Fairmont, my last big splurge to myself from Bob. My brother told me that they thought I was spending all of my time with friends. anyway - family is highly overrated for many people. I agree with what some of the others have said - reach out to some of Patrick's friends. Go to a dog park - you will meet people there who have good hearts. Get a grief counselor - I have started talking with a counselor that I visited 30 years ago and it is helping me a lot. Letting go of family is not easy. I know. I have been trying to do it for over 30 years. Bob was the person who gave me the strength to stand up to them, to turn my back on them when I needed to, that I knew that I didn't need them because I had him. Now he is gone and I just feel like I have no one. Except my dogs. I do have some wonderful friends but I am afraid of wearing them out with my constant bitching and complaining and whining about my family. One friend even told me that she just can't deal with hearing about them anymore, that if I can't do something about them (walk away) I should stop complaining. It's not that easy and I am glad that she has had such a supportive, loving, welcoming, embracing family that she has never experienced this agony. Losing my husband has been hard enough. It is easy for all of us to just sit and feel sorry for ourselves and we have EVERY right to. But we have to keep strong and carry on - for Bob, for Patrick, for _________. I don't know where you live, but there should be some social services available to you. Meals on Wheels, or a senior center, or maybe an AARP group nearby? They might also be able to help you find a job - even something part time will help get you out and have interaction with people. My entire social interaction for the past two years has been doctors' offices and the grocery store. We never planned on living here at this point in our lives - we are supposed to be in Mexico, living the dream still on the beach - surrounded by friends there. Friends of ours are celebrating their 50th anniversary on the 22nd - I was supposed to be in charge of planning a party for them - I don't have it in me and so nothing has been done. I run a non profit - a woman wants a tax deduction letter - she made a $10,000 donation - it is all that I cna do to type the letter, print it out and mail it. There are some other issues involved in that - I don't have word on this laptop and the laptop that I do have it on has a broken keyboard and half of the letters don't type any more so I have to type the letter on this one in an email and then copy and paste it into a word doc on the other one and then print it or buy another microsoft license that I really just don't feel like buying right now. I have told my family that I am not participating in Christmas this year - I'm sick and tired of spending $200-300 a family to receive a stupid gift that I can't do anything with - last year, my one sister sent me a print of a department store that I worked at 35 years ago. I hated that job and that place and it is nothing but a reminder of a horrible phase of my life. But thanks for noticing that I've moved on and away and done some really remarkable things with my life... my other sister sends me wine glasses every year. Which is great - but I only really need 2 or 3, maybe 4 - not 40. Their kids are all over 21, have jobs, make money - not ONE of those kids can be bothered to even send me a card or a thank you note for their present every year, which the last few years has been a $50 Amazon gift certificate - so they will get nothing and not have to thank me.   I dare them to ask me where their present is. I'm just SO DONE. So I understand exactly how you feel. I know that doesn't make it easier or better but maybe knowing that you aren't alone, that there are others of us out here who feel the same way... I am a heterosexual female who was happily married for 22 years and my family has completely rejected me because Bob and I chose not to have kids - so we are somehow lesser people, we don't matter, we aren't important. So fine. Bob is gone and now I am going to be gone too. I really just want to run away somewhere, take my dogs, pack up the car and go. I just don't know where to go. I am not ready to go back to Mexico yet and there are too many financial obligations here for me to just leave. I would love to just sell this house and move somewhere else but the sheer physical challenge of packing it up is overwhelming - not to mention that I have a 12x30 storage unit full of stuff that I need to get rid of - I am never going to use most of the stuff in there ever again and don't have anywhere to put it or store it. Sorry to be rambling. I'm having a tough couple of days too. Hang in there - that is all that we can do - take it a day, an hour, at a time. Stay strong and know that we DO care and that you DO matter and that if someone as wonderful as Patrick loved you, it was for a REASON - stay strong for him. Big hugs. Sending love and comfort to everyone. Deep breaths, and tomorrow will be better. It can't get much worse, right?

[KayC]

Wow.  What some of you go through with your families...makes me glad I have my sisters.  They may not know what it's like to go through this, but at least they call.

[Moment2moment]

We haven't heard from Vivace in almost 5 days. It would be good if he at least checked in to let us know he is ok.