Losing my fiancé

[PhantomBride]

Hi... I got here cause I just had a crisis. And I really don’t know how or why I’m still here.

Ive lost my fiancé on February 23. I’m 32 years old and so lost in life. I stopped going to therapy and taking meds cause I was so done and tired about this life... I feel lonely, empty and I feel anxious and angry about everything. I’m stuck in life (quit my job in October cause I was driving crazy), hate the fact I constantly think about dying but I can’t do much about it. I’m tired of every one telling me I just have to change my attitude, gets me sick and tired the fact of everyone saying “you’d be so selfish, what are ur brothers and family going to do and how much they’ll suffer if u do something wrong”, I feel so much weight on my shoulders and I can’t take it. 

(Also I’ve lost my mother two years ago)

i don’t go out, if I do it’s by myself, cause I got tired of people telling me I just have to be more positive or change my attitude towards everything and asking me how are you? But not helping at all. I’m tired of listening about every one problems but none of them hear mines (I don’t talk either), I feel like everything is bottling up and will explode soon. It cost me the triple to get up and do regular things but then my brother jokes about my laziness and it hurts me cause I wish I was different. 

Sorry in advance if this is too negative, I needed to let it out.

 

Thank you

[KayC]

It sounds like your stuck.  I'm  very sorry for your loss, it's very hard, especially so young, you don't expect that.  But then I didn't expect my husband to die right after his 51st birthday, never dreamed he would!

Only you can propel yourself forward.  Only you can make decisions for yourself.  I'll share the tips that have helped me over the years...I wrote this at about ten years out, it's the things I've remembered learning that have helped me.  If even one of those things stands out to you as speaking to you, then that's good.
Even just voicing how you feel here can be helpful.  It's validating to how you feel, which is neither right or wrong, it just is.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[ModHerc]

@PhantomBride,

I’m sorry for your loss, pain, and confusion.  “Lost in life” is a perfect description for how I have felt so many times throughout my grief.  I would guess that almost everyone on this site has felt lost, lonely, angry, empty and anxious.  You have found a place where people will understand.

I am very concerned for you because almost 10 months is such a long time to think about dying, the pain you are going through on a daily basis must be awful, and I so wish I had some way to fix it for you.  Unfortunately I don’t, although I can say it has slowly improved for me and hope that gives you some encouragement that it can get better for you as well.

I have a few questions, you mentioned therapy.  Was it a therapist who specialized in grief, and did you try more than one?  Therapists who aren’t trained in dealing with grief often don’t have the experience necessary to deal with our type of loss.  Additionally the therapist patient relationship can be a very personal interaction.  Sometimes it just doesn’t work, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try again.

You don’t have to change your attitude, and I won’t ask how you are.  I think I know how you are.  You are trying to come to terms with no longer having the single most significant relationship in your life, and trying to find a way and a reason to continue without it.  I am so sorry you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, if you can, please find a way to lessen that.  Right now just focus on yourself and what helps you deal with the pain.  If going out by yourself makes you feel better do that.  You said that people don’t listen, on this forum they do.  Try to find a support group as well to give yourself another method of expressing yourself.  Hoping you find some peace and comfort, we are listening and understand,

Herc

[PhantomBride]

1 hour ago, PhantomBride said:

Hi... I got here cause I just had a crisis. And I really don’t know how or why I’m still here.

Ive lost my fiancé on February 23. I’m 32 years old and so lost in life. I stopped going to therapy and taking meds cause I was so done and tired about this life... I feel lonely, empty and I feel anxious and angry about everything. I’m stuck in life (quit my job in October cause I was driving crazy), hate the fact I constantly think about dying but I can’t do much about it. I’m tired of every one telling me I just have to change my attitude, gets me sick and tired the fact of everyone saying “you’d be so selfish, what are ur brothers and family going to do and how much they’ll suffer if u do something wrong”, I feel so much weight on my shoulders and I can’t take it. 

(Also I’ve lost my mother two years ago)

i don’t go out, if I do it’s by myself, cause I got tired of people telling me I just have to be more positive or change my attitude towards everything and asking me how are you? But not helping at all. I’m tired of listening about every one problems but none of them hear mines (I don’t talk either), I feel like everything is bottling up and will explode soon. It cost me the triple to get up and do regular things but then my brother jokes about my laziness and it hurts me cause I wish I was different. 

Sorry in advance if this is too negative, I needed to let it out.

 

Thank yo

(Idk how to reply so I’m gonna try cause I’m new here) 

Hi, thanks for your reply’s... today it’s been such a hard day... our 3rd anniversary is coming this 7, the way he died was so unfair and I still feel it like a nightmare... I couldn’t make it to the funeral cause I was in my country and tickets were so overpriced so I didn’t make it.

my therapists is really good and understanding (she also helped me with the loss of my mother) she even sent me to get some psychotherapy and some specific exercises but I never  scheduled the appointment and left all cause i was feeling so, so weak inside. Hard to not think about death and everything when I feel like I have no north, no path, I don’t know my way... idk what’s life expecting from me. My brothers are gonna keep their lives and I’ll be all alone... it’s so... I don’t know.

i should have on my forehead a sign that says I DONT KNOW...

Time will see us realign 

[ModHerc]

I know those hard days all too well.  There seem to be so many of them as well, I am so sorry for your pain.  Feeling weak is ok, we have been through, and are going through, a lot. You will find your direction, a way to move forward with this in time.  I would suggest calling your therapist and letting her know you were overwhelmed, but want to start therapy again.  Of course that is your choice, but I am sure she would understand, and really think it might help you.  Life isn’t expecting anything from you.  Just be yourself, one moment at a time.  Do what you can, when you can, and forgive yourself if it isn’t as much as you had hoped.  Everyone who has been through this will understand how hard it can be.  There is no wrong way to grieve.  Wishing you strength and purpose,

Herc

[KayC]

Herc's response was so perfect...what I would have said had the words come to me.  Keep coming here, I think you'll find you're not alone.  I've been through a LOT in my life but this is the single hardest thing I've ever been through.  In the beginning I didn't see how I could live a week without my George, yet here I am, 13 years later.  I've found my way through this, but I won't say it's been easy...or is yet for that matter.  But better than year one, that's for sure.  It was just such a shock!

Those who haven't been through this can't possibly know what you're going through, even though they may care and want to help, they don't know how.

[HPB]

Hi @PhantomBride

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with your dark thoughts. I'm 53 y.o. and lost my beloved wife of 48 y.o. by sudden death (ruptured cerebral aneurysma).

This happened almost 8 months ago, and beside having my dear wife permanently in my mind and heart, so is also my wish to die, the sooner the better.

It's very good in general that the wonderful people of this forum are focusing on healing, on "positive thinking", on the efforts that a new life is possible.

That said, I'm reluctant to believe that I will be successful in this. I lost EVERYTHING that is important to me, my wife, and I want to be together with her again. My wife will not be able to come back to earth, so it is only logical that I want to go where she is.

This is not to encourage anybody to end it's life, but just to complement the picture here, which at times makes people with prolonged very dark thoughts feeling lost/isolated even in this forum.

Different people are grieving differently, and have different stories prior to the devastating loss. An underlying depression might well come alive again and blend into the (complicated) grief. Those less resilient folks - I think I belong in this group - are at times tired of other "long term bereaved" to insinuate "I've been there" or "I know what you are going through.."

No, maybe you don't, otherwise the thoughts of death could/would also be your unwanted companion, after 8 months, 10 months, or even after years.

Knowing that these lines from me are once more not in the category "uplifting", I nevertheless hope that it makes the picture here  (in which torterous mess some are stuck in)  a little bit more complete.

Thanks! 

PhantomBride, I hope you will get all the neccessary own energy and outside help to find a way out of the darkness! You are indeed not alone, and my heart goes out to you!

 

[crackerjack4u]

@PhantomBrideI'm so sorry for your loss, and my heart breaks for you.  You have come to a wonderful forum here where people do understand and listen, and they are all on similar journeys themselves. Everyone's grief is unique, just as we ourselves our unique. 

I'm new to this journey myself, and have found it to be a very difficult one.  This is a journey that I never thought I'd be having to take, especially at this stage of my life, but like everyone else here I'm being forced to take it.  I can honestly say that this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life, and the scary part of it all is that I'm just starting out on it.  The people here on this forum have already helped me a lot in so many ways.   I was truly blessed to have stumbled upon this forum while not only attempting to make some sense out of losing my husband, but also while trying to figure out in my lost, sad, angry, and confused state of mind how I could/would ever get through this without him being in my life.   

Some advice I've been given thus far that has seemed to help me the most I would like to share with you.  (Some or all of these may be repeats that others have already mentioned above, but these are the things that have been most helpful in my journey to me so far, and hopefully they will help you too). 

Take things one day, one hour, or one minute at a time-(which ever one it takes to get through that day). Time will heal, and your grief will get easier and less painful in time, so allow yourself the time to get through this journey.  No ones grief is the same, so grieve at your own pace. 

Don't be hard on yourself because this journey is hard enough already without adding to it by being even harder on yourself.  Be patient as grief is something that must be worked thorough and while you are going through this journey remember to also take care of yourself-although difficult to do sometimes remember you are the only you that you have, you are special, you are loved, and you are worth it. 

One thing that someone said that also really stuck with me was that they try to do things the way they thought their loved one would want them to in order to make them proud of them. I thought what a beautiful way to honor the person that you've lost. So I too try to live by that because I absolutely want my David to be as proud of me in death as he was in life.    

Also seek help, don't be afraid to ask for help if things on this journey get to be too difficult-i.e.) seek out support from family, friends, online support groups/forums, go to therapy, join grief counseling, grief support, call a crisis line, use medications to help ease your anxiety and depression, etc. Again this journey is a rough one so utilize all the resources available to you when needed to help.    

Remember you are strong, you are Not alone, and you can get through this journey one day at a time. 

Hugs to you PhantomBride, and again I am so sorry for your loss.  We're here to listen if you want/need to talk.                         

[HPB]

12 hours ago, PhantomBride said:

I’m tired of every one telling me I just have to change my attitude, gets me sick and tired the fact of everyone saying “you’d be so selfish, what are ur brothers and family going to do and how much they’ll suffer if u do something wrong”, I feel so much weight on my shoulders and I can’t take it. 

https://mytruthsetsmefree.wordpress.com/2014/08/17/souls-plan-suicide-pre-birth-blueprint/

The article in the link above can take away some weight from your shoulders. (Please don't focus on the esoteric content of the article [I personally don't believe in reincarnation] but on the psychological aspect as below!)

Quote:

"...By allowing it to come into the open, and by not immediately rejecting it, the therapist could create a sense of liberation in them, which might help them, paradoxically, to release the suicidal thoughts and consider other options. When something is forbidden, it has a particular attraction. If suicide is completely taboo, then those who suffer from depression will be drawn to it, and they will feel even more depressed because of that attraction. If those who are drawn to suicide are asked openly about how and why they would wish to end their lives, there is a release of the pressure. ..."

 

[ModHerc]

7 hours ago, HPB said:

Hi @PhantomBride

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with your dark thoughts. I'm 53 y.o. and lost my beloved wife of 48 y.o. by sudden death (ruptured cerebral aneurysma).

This happened almost 8 months ago, and beside having my dear wife permanently in my mind and heart, so is also my wish to die, the sooner the better.

It's very good in general that the beautiful people of this forum are focusing on healing, on "positive thinking", on the efforts that a new life is possible.

That said, I'm reluctant to believe that I will be successful in this. I lost EVERYTHING that is important to me, my wife, and I want to be together with her again. My wife will not be able to come back to earth, so it is only logical that I want to go where she is.

This is not to encourage anybody to end it's life, but just to complement the picture here, which at times makes people with prolonged very dark thoughts feeling lost/isolated even in this forum.

Different people are grieving differently, and have different stories prior to the devastating loss. An underlying depression might well come alive again and blend into the (complicated) grief. Those less resilient folks - I think I belong in this group - are at times tired of other "long term bereaved" to insinuate "I've been there" or "I know what you are going through.."

No, maybe you don't, otherwise the thoughts of death could/would also be your unwanted company, after 8 months, 10 months, or even after years.

Knowing that these lines from me are once more not in the category "uplifting", I nevertheless hope that it makes the picture here  (in which torterous mess some are stuck in)  a little bit more complete.

Thanks! 

PhantomBride, I hope you will get all the neccessary own energy and outside help to find a way out of the darkness! You are indeed not alone, and my heart goes out to you!

 

Good points HPB, as is the psychology in the quote you posted below.  I haven't had time to check out the article yet but I will soon.  I get carried away with telling people I understand on occasion and certainly hope it doesn't come off as "I know what you are going through..".  Everyone's journey is unique of course, and there is no way to fully know what another is feeling or going through.

It think it can be healthy to acknowledge the dark thoughts and share them.  Like you I want to be with my wife again, and am looking forward to joining her.  I hope that it is in some sort of afterlife where we are both aware, but even if it is simply following her into a void of nothingness, I am ok with that.  I had dark and serious suicidal thoughts early on.  In some of my early posts, I described "good days" that involved thoughts of suicide.  I have gotten to a point where while I still wish to join her, I no longer think of active ways of doing so.  This feels like a better and healthier place to me, so I tend to try to share hope that other people can find their way as well, but as mentioned everyone's grief journey is unique to them.  If I have in anyway indicated that I don't respect your viewpoint on, or experience with, any aspect of your own grief journey, or the overall experiences of others in grief, I apologize.

I hope you don't continue to feel isolated in this forum.  Your experience with grief involves prolonged dark thoughts, and that is just as valid and valuable as any other person's experience.  Indeed it may be far more helpful to some depending upon the specifics of their situation.  Hoping you continue to post frequently, with resolve and conviction,

Herc

[HPB]

@Herc

It's rather me that has to apologize now since I was not particularly thinking of you when putting my thoughts/feelings into words, I was not even limiting to this very thread but wrote more in general, because this was already an issue (for me) in other threads. I appreciate very much your posts all the way back when your grief was raw, and of course there's nothing wrong with "understanding" other people being in misery.

I tend to think that not few of the poor souls gathering in this forum qualify for complicated grief (It's not an avarage "sample" because bereaved that cope very well tend not to be here). The following quote also shows me that I'm not that alone with my mindset and condition of the heart, therefore I try to give "my group" a voice here on behalf of others that are silenced or even driven away from the board due to "too much positivity".

Here's the quote:

"Complicated grief (CG) is a syndrome that affects 10% to 20% of grievers regardless of age, although proportionally more will face the death of loved ones in late life, CG is characterized by preoccupying and disabling symptoms that can persist for decades such as an inability to accept the death, intense yearning or avoidance, frequent reveries, deep sadness, crying, somatic distress, social withdrawal, and suicidal ideation. This syndrome is distinct from major depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, but CG maybe comorbid with each."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3384448/

 

[ModHerc]

HPB, no apology needed.  I was't positive, but didn't think it was directed at me, hence the if in my apology.  Further it was a good "your results may vary" reminder for me.  That having been said, I apologize again, this time to

@PhantomBride.  I didn't mean to take your topic off on a tangent.  As you can tell, you have many people here with a wide array of experience all of whom want to help and will at the least empathize with what you are going through.  This grief journey is by far the hardest thing I have ever been faced with.  I completely get the "I don't know" feelings you are having.  In time you will know though.  One thing about grief is that it teaches us lessons.  They are hard lessons that are painful at times, but as you progress you will learn ways to cope with your issues and function.  At the very least you will understand this painful experience more than your brother.

You mentioned you feel as though you pay triple to get up and do regular things.  Your brother just doesn't and, in all probability until he goes through a similar experience himself, can't understand the struggle.  Looking at yourself in a mirror, holding a toothbrush and wondering why you should bother brushing your teeth.  Going into a store and turning around to go back outside because a song you shared is playing on the muzak.  Feeling drained when you wake up and just lying there trying to convince yourself that breathing is an accomplishment.  "Normal" people just don't grasp things like this most of the time.  Talking about specific struggles helps sometimes, please feel free to share anything you want.  Wishing you peace and comfort through your journey,

Herc

[PhantomBride]

Thank you for all your responses; I know im not the only one going through this and each pain is particular and unique. I wanted to tell you guys that I’m thankful for you and if I can help in any way you can reach out to me... sent me an inbox or anything.

today I woke up with the feeling of having a hangover, I get like this when I have a day with crisis and it’s exhausting.

I try to go day by day but I’m so impatient, i wish I knew where my life is going, what am I doing daily... but honestly I just feel like I’m here breathing and non productive. I cook everyday and do stuff to get busy. This is a roller coaster, I’m sending resumes to see if I can get a job again and eventually be able to pay therapy and/or medicines cause that’s kinda expensive (that’s one of the reasons I’ve left everything, felt even more depressed cause I was seeing I’m spending all my money to pay therapies n medicines... even though I didn’t want to get anything material for myself I felt Idk how to explain it)

thank you for your support, I really appreciate it and I hope we can keep posting here or anything.

 

ive isolated myself very much... 

 

[ModHerc]

@PhantomBride,

Thank you so much for the offer to help, the best thing you can do for me is to share here whenever you want to, and with whatever you feel like saying.  It will help me think about my own experience, it may give you an outlet to feel less isolated, and it may touch someone new to this in a way that brings them comfort.

It is ok to just breathe.  I think we all have had many days where just getting out of bed and getting dressed is harder than anything we ever did before we lost them.  It is hard to be patient when we miss them so much.

I hope your resumes let you find something that you enjoy, or at least improves your situation.  Work was very helpful for me, but hard at the same time.  I had thoughts of quitting, and eventually had to find a way to change my career path.  I found something less stressful with the same company, but that still gave me a sense of purpose.

Wishing you the peace, patience, and support to find the best way for you in this hard journey,

Herc

 

[crackerjack4u]

@PhantomBride the feelings you are having are not uncommon at all.  It seems that so many of us because our grief has us feeling so lost, alone, scared, and uncertain.  The exhaustion is so bad that we literally have to drag ourselves through the long days and nights. We feel as though we are merely just going through the motions with no structure, no plan, no direction, no purpose, and the one person we had in our life that we had to help guide us now no longer there to help keep us heading in the right direction.  It's as though everything in our life that was important to us has been abruptly yanked out from under our feet. We've lost the person that was most important to us, we've lost our stability, and now our mind and body are in complete shock, disbelief, pain, sorrow, and chaos.  But in order to try to put on a brave face we attempt to try to fake our way, in order to try to make our way, through each day of this hugely altered, confusing, and painful life we're now being forced to live.  Nothing makes any sense, we have a lot more questions than answers, and everything in the life we knew, the life we use to have, is now turned completely upside down.       

A "roller coaster" as you described it sums it up very well.  You have your ups, your downs, your twists, your turns, sometimes your right side up, sometimes your upside down, and you hope that the ride will quickly end so you can get off of it, and have your feet planted back firmly on the ground.    

4 hours ago, PhantomBride said:

eventually be able to pay therapy and/or medicines cause that’s kinda expensive (that’s one of the reasons I’ve left everything, felt even more depressed cause I was seeing I’m spending all my money to pay therapies n medicines...

Absolutely, although beneficial at times, meds and therapy can be very expensive.  You can most likely go online and locate a prescription assistance program that will give you your meds free of charge, or for a very low amount.  Also some hospitals offer assistance programs where you can see specific doctors that are affiliated with that hospital without having to pay, or most towns have low income practices where if you qualify based on your income, or lack of, those visits are free of charge.   (I'm not sure if therapies fall under this category, or even if any of the hospitals in your area offers this type of plan, or if your town has a specific clinic that I'm referring to, but it might be worth checking in to). 

If you were able to get into one of the low income practices, or even merely see your regular primary doctor they can write the prescriptions for you, and then the assistance program will give the meds to you free of charge, and send them to that doctor's office for you to pick it up. I just thought these might be some options that you might not be aware of.   Best of luck to you hun.     

[KayC]

@PhantomBride  Getting up, breathing, fixing something to eat, that's about all you can expect from yourself right now, and you're doing well to get your resumes out.  I'll be sending up prayers for a job that you like.  
I don't know about the rest of the states but here in Oregon you'd qualify for free medical insurance, they'd cover everything, Rxs, even some dental...the low income insurance is better than what the rest of us have!  I hope you're in a state that has something similar...open enrollment is until Dec. 15 so make sure to call the Fed. Exchange before then as they'll likely be jammed if you wait until the last day...otherwise it's wait a year for insurance.

Also sometimes doctors will give out free samples to save you on buying Rxs.

[PhantomBride]

Hello guys:

Thank you for all your kind words and advice. 

Right now I’m not in the states.

Today is our 3rd anniversary, and the story goes like this:

We both love a rock band and linked because of them. I’m Peruvian, he’s from Indianapolis, IN. We became friends and then we fell in love. After almost a year of ups and downs cause of the distance I went to New York cause I needed to take a long break since my mom passed away and it was too hard. We scheduled a trip and finally we were able to be together... we got engaged and we decided that I’d come back to Peru so I can say goodbye for a while to my friends and brothers cause as I was getting married and he wanted me to take his name, I’d have to get some papers done and i wasn’t gonna be able to make any trips until everything was done. We were getting married in May, he passed away on Feb. 

its so hard to relate, I’m exhausted from the other day... I guess I’m drained from all the crying, it causes me horrible chest pains... 

 

I really appreciate all your support, it means the world to me, and it’s easier for me cause I know you understand what I’m feeling and saying.

Much love,

Yomaira.

[ModHerc]

Hi @PhantomBride,

Exhausted, drained, chest pains, feeling like you have a hangover, I've felt all those many times.  Make sure you are taking care of the basic parts of self care.  Eat what you can, sleep when you can, exercise if you can, and drink plenty of water.  You probably heard all of those early on to help with the initial shock, but it can continue to be a struggle even months into our grief.  As a matter of fact it is just good advice even for those who aren't grieving.  Of course it doesn't solve any of the real problems you are having, but sometimes it at least lets you feel a bit better physically.  Long showers and baths helped me with some of the aches and pains too.  Wishing you comfort, rest, and respite from the pain,

Herc

[floyd11554]

Hello @PhantomBride

 

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  I came to this site almost a year ago and  ( I can't believe it has been almost a year already since I lost her)  and it was tremendously helpful those first few impossible months.  Not that it gets any easier.  The reason I signed in just now is cause I am coming up on the 1 year anniversary so I wanted to check in since it was so helpful in the past.  

I can very much relate to how you feel right now being similar in age.  Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or go about your day, especially those that can't comprehend what you are experiencing.  Do what you need to do and grieve the way you need to grieve.  One of the hardest parts I have had is having no one around who truly understands.   So many just think you should be back to yourself in a matter of weeks.  If you want to go out by yourself than do so ( I do all the time cause most of the time I just want to be alone).  Take the advice of many on here who have been thru what you are experiencing day to day.  Some very good advice already in this thread especially from @KayC.  She was very helpful to me earlier this year.  

Take care of yourself first and foremost.  Do the things you want to do and help pass the time and do things to better your situation.  Focus on you.  You mentioned how you both linked up due to a shared love of music.  Go out to shows and dance, sweat, and sing all your pain.  Me and my Kerri also shared the love of music and at first its hard to embrace what was such a powerful connection between the two of you but it has helped cause I know she would want me to keep doing what I loved for her and still with her.    

Stay strong and keep sharing your thoughts with the good people here.  Some truly wonderful people on this board.  

[PhantomBride]

T

23 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

 

Stay strong and keep sharing your thoughts with the good people here.  Some truly wonderful people on this board

Thanks for your message. I know how hard it can be to lose your partner in life, when you were actually making plans, important plans and everything falls into pieces... 

Yesterday I had an awful migraine and today I feel like I’m so hangover with still some headache... this roller coaster is so hard to ride cause when you think you’re learning you get upside down all over again; one of my biggest flaws is that I’m so impatient with everything and for me to being starting over again and again it becomes so overwhelming and like something I never can fully understand and reach.

thanks for your encouragement, I feel more comfortable here where each one of you understand what I’m going through.

Much love, <3

[floyd11554]

@PhantomBride

I get the impatience.   Its tough cause you want to turn the page so you can start to heal and move forward but at the same time you want to hold on to every shred of the past as you can.  I have pictures up and every remnant that makes sense still up in an even new apartment from the past.  It hurts but yet helps at the same time.   I think that depends on each of us though on how to approach that part. 

Don't be so hard on yourself for the roller coaster aspect of the grief.   I'm still riding it as many others on here are.  I wonder if that ride ever stops.  I wonder if you just learn to deal with it and factor it into your day as you move forward.   I tell myself she would want me to be happy and would want me to continue living life.  That part helps cause I know in her heart she would want nothing but the best for me even though she cannot be her with me.  I am sure your partner would have wanted the same.  

Keep sharing and keep talking.  Whatever helps just go with it and know you have a listening ear when you need it.  

 

[KayC]

Yomaira, I'm so sorry, it has to be hard, are you returning to Peru then?  If you're here without your family, that has to be hard.  And the disappointment of not getting to be his wife and take his name...well let's just say, being married is more than a piece of paper, and I'm sure he considered you such in his heart already.  We want to be here for you, all of us going through our grief journeys together, it helps when we share in it.

[PhantomBride]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

 let's just say, being married is more than a piece of paper, and I'm sure he considered you such in his heart already.  

That’s how we always thought. We always said that for us it was like we already were married... I’m in Peru right now, I want/need to go eventually to see his sisters and visit his ashes but honestly I don’t think I’m capable of going to the Indianapolis int. Airport without him being at the gate or baggage claim... I still tremble when I imagine that situation... he’s my best friend and I’m so lost... as I’ve said so many times, I don’t have idea where my life is going and what do I want in life.

 

[KayC]

Time enough to figure that out.  Right now it's just getting through the day.  When you do go to Indianapolis, make sure his sister is there to greet you so you don't have to face being there alone.

 

[PhantomBride]

I’m writing tcause I need to let it out.

as I’m crying my heart out in bed all I can think is if someday I’ll be enough, if I’ll be whole... that I really don’t know what I did in life to feel like this... am I such bad human that I never deserve anything good? I lose every one I love... I’m this really awful person and that’s why I don’t deserve being happy?

All I ever wanted in life was a home, but instead I feel lonelier that ever...

[KayC]

I remember feeling that way.  I've had six major relationships in my life but the only one who ever truly got me, ever truly loved me, was George.  We clicked, we had great communication, we love each other!  And he died.  I remember asking why...I never got an answer.  I know it wasn't personal, it just was.  I was lucky to have had him at all...unfortunate to have lost him, but I know we still love each other and although it's a terribly long wait, I will be with him again.

[PhantomBride]

On 12/20/2018 at 4:38 PM, KayC said:

 

I remember feeling that way.

 

Yes... i feel like that and my sleep deprivation is getting worse. I’m always feeling bothered, it bothers me be surrounded by people, it bothers me people commenting about meaningless stuff, people not knowing. I can’t even stand myself... everything bothers me  

I’m turning into a really big grumpy ball. But either wish I’d like an honest hug and crying myself to sleep.

i can’t and I feel I won’t find comfort ever again.

 

[KayC]

I regret not accepting my doctor's offer of sleeping pills.  Trying to function on lack of sleep was really hard...it just made it harder on myself to survive.  If I had it to do over again, I'd do it differently, I'd take the sleeping pills!  So hard going to work on no sleep, especially when I had 100 mile round trip/commute each day!  At the time I'd thought it was a temporary solution to a permanent problem, but what I didn't realize, his being gone would be permanent, but it wouldn't stay in the same intensity as the beginning, giving me time to adjust and eventually get off the pills, but alas I couldn't have known that back then.

[foreverhis]

@KayC  A personal question, so feel free to say it's none of my business.  Were you also concerned that in a moment of pain you might decide those sleeping pills could help you see George sooner?  Was that part of why you declined?

I have several medications for my long-term medical conditions.  Two are regulated drugs that can be addictive, though when taken properly for the actual medical conditions, they usually are not.  Our bodies do become dependent on the modicum of relief.  Both my hubby and I were always asking the doctor what we could do to take less, not asking for more.  Unfortunately, all the supportive things like specific exercise, massage therapy, etc. aren't enough, so we take our medications in order to function at a somewhat reasonable level.

Anyway, I have thought that, while I could do that, I don't want to and won't.  But to say it didn't fleetingly cross my mind immediately after he died would be a lie.

[HPB]

50 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I have several medications for my long-term medical conditions.  

 

50 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Anyway, I have thought that, while I could do that, I don't want to and won't. 

I wish I had such pills in my closet. Or even better; 15 grams of Sodium-Pentobarbital.

Quote:

"Knowing that you can often means that you won't "

from the documentary: https://vimeo.com/229120539   (at 27min57sec)

PS: my apologies for threadjacking

[foreverhis]

@HPB No need to apologize, IMO.  In a couple of other (not grief) forums, I've found that threads can take twists and turns along the way.

To be honest, one of the reasons I know I won't do it is that my love would be angry (pissed as hell actually) if I did.  I know he wanted me to be here for our girls.  I have to agree with him about that.  Our daughter deserves to have her mom with her for a while longer.  I'm not sure how I'd feel if the situation was different.

[PhantomBride]

@foreverhis hi. When I was prescribed those meds my dr warned me in: you can take these meds and just so you know, they won’t kill you. With a smile on her face cause she knew what I was thiking already... (pretty good advice and a pretty good psychiatrist right? She rocks )

yes they kill if y mix them up with a incalculable amount of alcohol and others drugs in your body already, but beyond that, the meds itself won’t kill you, yes it can lead you to a get into a coma,    But it can also get you in a vegetative state which  I’d worse I think. 

So you all are warned.

 

Last night I took a 2mg klonopin, I couldn’t take it anymore, so many slepless nights. I don’t want to take it cause it gets you more depressed eventually if you only take the klonopin, I’d have to take it with my duloxetine and topiramate... but I’m off those meds for now since I’m not going to the therapist.

[HPB]

38 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

"...to be here for our girls." ... "Our daughter deserves to have her mom with her for a while longer."

This is indeed a 100% reason for not leaving prematurely.

[PhantomBride]

At this time of the night, while I’m chocking with food at 00:55 to fill the void I know I can’t fill... all the demons come to my head and all I think is maybe he left me cause who would ever want to marry someone as depressed as I am right now? 

He is In a better place where I’m not so he can have a good life instead of here with me annoying with my anxieties and stupidities.

maybe, probably.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Were you also concerned that in a moment of pain you might decide those sleeping pills could help you see George sooner? 

No.  I have plenty of Rxs and a gun if I'd wanted to end it.  I actually thought about wrapping my car around a tree at 120 mph but I have people who love me, I couldn't do that to them, plus I realized I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to go through the pain I knew I'd have to go through if I lived...but I pushed through it.  I never considered overdose, besides with my luck I'd end up drooling on myself the rest of my life so best not to push my luck

[KayC]

16 hours ago, PhantomBride said:

Last night I took a 2mg klonopin, I couldn’t take it anymore, so many slepless nights. I don’t want to take it cause it gets you more depressed eventually if you only take the klonopin, I’d have to take it with my duloxetine and topiramate... but I’m off those meds for now since I’m not going to the therapist.

I hope you got a good night's sleep!  My doctor's Rx of choice was low dose of Trazodone, which he said he takes on occasion, in higher doses it's an antidepressant, in low dose it's for sleeping.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, PhantomBride said:

At this time of the night, while I’m chocking with food at 00:55 to fill the void I know I can’t fill... all the demons come to my head and all I think is maybe he left me cause who would ever want to marry someone as depressed as I am right now? 

He is In a better place where I’m not so he can have a good life instead of here with me annoying with my anxieties and stupidities.

maybe, probably.

I love this image.  Yes they're in a better place and thankfully not going through what we are, they were spared that.  But I don't think they chose to, it was beyond their control.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

On 12/19/2018 at 6:27 PM, PhantomBride said:

I’m writing tcause I need to let it out.

as I’m crying my heart out in bed all I can think is if someday I’ll be enough, if I’ll be whole... that I really don’t know what I did in life to feel like this... am I such bad human that I never deserve anything good? I lose every one I love... I’m this really awful person and that’s why I don’t deserve being happy?

All I ever wanted in life was a home, but instead I feel lonelier that ever...

My heart goes out to you. I know the heartbreak of losing everyone close to you and having those thoughts. One of my favorite authors is Melodie Beattie. I read her “Language Of Letting Go” daily reader book over and over again throughout the last 5yrs. If you get a chance and feel like your able to read it, you can get a used one on amazon for a reasonable price. Also, I think if you google it, you can click on specific subjects of how your feeling and she does short paragraphs on the subjects. It’s easy reading and has really helped me.

[Sunflower2]

9 hours ago, StreamingTheLight said:

Language Of Letting Go” daily reader book over and over again throughout the last 5yrs. 

This is great but I've never referenced it in grief.  Interesting. You are putting a new spin to a book and an author for those processing grief.  Thank you!!! Use to be one of the key recommendations for individuals in recovery. Letting go of behaviors that were not helpful.  Codependency etc. etc. Melody's work became the bible of support for recovery alcoholics, family dysfunction. Basically any self-defeating behavior.  She was a favorite of mine. I think its taking me back into the 70's and this book is still one of the top recommended reads.  

[PhantomBride]

On 12/26/2018 at 2:46 AM, StreamingTheLight said:

My heart goes out to you. I know the heartbreak of losing everyone close to you and having those thoughts. One of my favorite authors is Melodie Beattie. I read her “Language Of Letting Go” daily reader book over and over again throughout the last 5yrs. If you get a chance and feel like your able to read it, you can get a used one on amazon for a reasonable price. Also, I think if you google it, you can click on specific subjects of how your feeling and she does short paragraphs on the subjects. It’s easy reading and has really helped me.

 Thank you very much. I’ve been off cause Xmas left me tired af and the 27 was my mothers bday so it’s been pretty emotional dates. As the past two weeks before Xmas I was laying in bed, in the dark, really low and depressed (the only things I did good was cooking and went to two jobs interviews-didn’t got any of them though), I’m feeling like really exhausted. My body is sore, my sleep schedule it’s messed up cause I don’t sleep much, been having migraines.

I just want this year to be over (like if the nightmare it’s gonna be over as well); emotionally I feel drained... really drained. 

These past years has been baaaaad.

 

i wish I could know how you guys handled this season?

xo,

 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

48 minutes ago, PhantomBride said:

 Thank you very much. I’ve been off cause Xmas left me tired af and the 27 was my mothers bday so it’s been pretty emotional dates. As the past two weeks before Xmas I was laying in bed, in the dark, really low and depressed (the only things I did good was cooking and went to two jobs interviews-didn’t got any of them though), I’m feeling like really exhausted. My body is sore, my sleep schedule it’s messed up cause I don’t sleep much, been having migraines.

I just want this year to be over (like if the nightmare it’s gonna be over as well); emotionally I feel drained... really drained. 

These past years has been baaaaad.

 

i wish I could know how you guys handled this season?

xo,

 

I think that cookimg and getting yourself to those interviews is amazing! Seriously. That’s no small feat. I’m sorry that you didn’t get the jobs, but what an accomplishment to show up for them. My body is sore and exhausted too. That makes sense to me that it’s how you feel.  I have a lot of emotion built up inside from the anniversaries of the deaths, both of my brothers birthdays, my moms and my 40th along with all of these holidays. Today, I had irritability and anger and it was hard to turn it around. I felt alone, lost and helpless. It’s overwhelming and crazy that it all coincides. I’ve made it through by crying when I need to, being under a blanket when I need to, but also going to see flowers and lights at an atrium my mom would have loved. I’ve been trying to see cousins that I trust for comfort and distraction (letting my mind rest). I also, have been focused on helping others. My uncle and aunt have cancers and so although it’s been rough to feel as if I’m reliving everything, I’m pushing myself because I’m needed and can help them. I’m more familiar with the medical stuff than they are and I want them to have the best care possible.

Other things: I kiss my mom’s minature urn (we buried the her large one and I kept some of her ashes) every morning and I dust her house and maintain the beauty she created in this space. My brain still feels like she going to come home, even though I know different in my heart and soul. It’s so hard. Doing the things she loved makes me sad at first and then I picture her smiling that I did those things and I’m comforted a little. I also play youtube videos by Louise Hay and other inspirational speakers when I get ready in the morning for perspective. The loss of a mother and husband are profound. Every cell in my body feels it. I just keep telling myself I’m still on this earth and the only choice I have is to wake up every day and keep trying. Love to you. 

[KayC]

I agree, it would have been nice to get a job, but the fact that you made it to and through the interviews is amazing, you did it!  And cooking too!  Anything we do in those early days is an accomplishment.

[PhantomBride]

8 hours ago, StreamingTheLight said:

My body is sore and exhausted too. That makes sense to me that it’s how you feel.

I relate a lot. That’s why I was prescribed duloxetine when my fiancé passed away, I was so sore that I couldn’t even lift my arms or even move, changing clothes to go to my appointments was a nightmare since It was so painful to even try to make a move... 

she constantly told me how I had atlas complex, that I carried the world on my shoulders and that’s why I always was sore... 

about the irritability... oh boy I’ve been there the  past few weeeks, I just couldn’t stand anyone, I was bothered about everything and a simple comment could make me feel angry, and anxious... and my body shivers and trembles realist hard when i get angry... the adrenaline makes me dizzy... so because of that and the sadness ive been isolating myself a lot, more than what i usually do...

i also have my moms urn, well, Half of her ashes are here and the others are in Florida till I can go and set them free in the ocean. 

My fiancé ashes are at his fathers house and i haven’t seen them yet and idk if I can... it’s too damn hard.

love,

 

[PhantomBride]

 

Hi everyone,

i hope you had a good New Years and if not, I hope it wasn’t to rough.

Holidays are really hard for me since It was my moms favorite holiday ever and she always had this Xmas spirit... 

also new year, I used to spend it with my babe even if we were far away from each other, we would spend it on the phone till it was 6/7 am, I even miss him shooting his glock (and I hate guns lol).

its been a really emotional season, his best friend just reached out to me and we talked about a lot of stuff and for the first time I’ve had the chance of letting go some things I had on my chest that cause me so much heaviness... cause they were some secrets between us and I thought I’d never talk about it again. 

I miss him everyday of my life.

now I got a cold, my stomach aches and my head aches hard too...

im gonna attach a pic that touched me.

 

[PhantomBride]

 

Hi everyone,

i hope you had a good New Years and if not, I hope it wasn’t to rough.

Holidays are really hard for me since It was my moms favorite holiday ever and she always had this Xmas spirit... 

also new year, I used to spend it with my babe even if we were far away from each other, we would spend it on the phone till it was 6/7 am, I even miss him shooting his glock (and I hate guns lol).

its been a really emotional season, his best friend just reached out to me and we talked about a lot of stuff and for the first time I’ve had the chance of letting go some things I had on my chest that cause me so much heaviness... cause they were some secrets between us and I thought I’d never talk about it again. 

I miss him everyday of my life.

now I got a cold, my stomach aches and my head aches hard too...

im gonna attach a pic that touched me.

 

[Sunflower2]

@PhantomBride LOVED that beautiful passage!  Empowering in my journey to read. Inspiring! Being accepted  in our ups and downs is an acknowledgement of our grief and our pain.  I am blessed to have this yet I also understand there are those that just may not be capable of saying what we need to hear at that moment. My heart is to have patience with that and an understanding. In my pain I am finding I can do this.  I learn that they are not the individuals to provide that type of support but I'm learning they have other strengths that are supportive. 

[KayC]

That is beautifully written, thank you for sharing it with us! 

I'm glad you got to talk with his friend, it helps to have someone you can talk to that knew him.

I'm sorry you are sick and hope it's short lived and you're soon feeling better.

[PhantomBride]

In Indiana it’s winter, I remember how many times you told me “every time I see the snow I think about you” cause of my crazy love for the snow and how I always told you I like to play in it or how much I liked to play under the rain...  I think at the end you were able to understand why I loved it so much, cause I grew up on a city where just drizzles and doesn’t snow at all... 

next month it’s gonna be a whole year since I stopped living, since my smile was abruptly erased from my face, a entire year crying every single day, feeling empty and with no purpose but that doesn’t matter much as the fact of how much I miss your laugh, your smile, your jokes, your hands on my face, how much you loved my messy hair and how you were capable of making me feel beautiful besides all my insecurities and anxieties. How you were capable of making me feel safe with just an “everything it’s going to be ok ma”.

as i told you today out loud, you truly made me want to start a family (I never had that desire), you truly made me to feel I wanted a little piece of both of us, I was sure I was going  to marry you and 100% we were going to be happy And grow old together... I was yearning for a home, you were my home, I think you still are and you’ll always will be.

i miss burying my face on your chest, to listen your beating heart, rubbing my face on your beard and seeing my self and my life unfold in those beautiful crystal blue eyes of yours... I miss kissing your tiny beautiful nose and counting your freckles, to call you Mr. Potato head (ooh I was so happy I was gonna be Mrs. potato head!), that thin silky blond hair... but must important of all, I miss you. I miss not texting you to tell you every little thing about my life or my feelings and I miss my best friend supporting everything I wanted to do even if I was wrong cause you’d be there to give me advice and console me if I was mad or sad.

i miss your perfect smile baby, there’s no day you don’t cross my mind, and even if the calendar it’s saying it’s gonna be a year already, for me it feels like yesterday how my heart was ripped off from my chest.

and the love, it feels like three years ago when we said, I’m crazy about you, let’s do this no matter the distance.

I lush you my Poosh, I always will.