My darling mummy

[Autumnleaves]

I've resorted to talking to people online because I can't get hold of a Cruse counsellor and because I so desperately want to sob, wail, cry and hear that others are feeling the same. 

Our darling mummy passed away suddenly on 21 October with a presumed heart attack. I had said goodbye to her on the Friday night, travelled south from Scotland on the Saturday, had less than 24 hours back home before my brother phoned to tell me that she had died. Just like that. No - "she's had a heart attack, come quickly" or  anything. Mummy had an array of ailments to choose from - none of them life-threatening in themselves, but all of them debilitating. She was 78 and the most selfless and uncomplaining person I know. Her beauty shone through her pain and discomfort for many years and in the end death came through the back door and stole her away suddenly.

I couldn't speak when my brother broke the news. I held the phone in my hand long enough to go through to the workshop where my partner was working. I collapsed on the floor and screamed and wailed whilst P was terrified and finding out what had happened. i continued to wail, scream and sob and crawl around the house in disbelief whilst packing a small suitcase to fly back to Scotland. P. had to book a flight for the evening and get our passports etc ready.

Over six weeks later I have been through hell whilst I believe mummy is in heaven. It has been the hardest ride of my life. I never EVER EVER knew it would be like this. The unbelief, the intense sorrow, tsnuamis of grief, the holding it together for dad, the family feuds, the living out of a suitcase, dad subsequently been admitted to hospital, but above all the huge hole she has left. The person who gave me life has gone, how can my life continue? 

I just keep reliving her last couple of hours. I am comforted by the fact that she was well right up until her afternoon nap and somehow woke up in pain, vomited and died. That's all we know and even that is a  bit of speculation. Why do I keep reliving scenes I didn't even see? Why is it important to know what happened? I just keep replaying it in my head.

It's hard to convey on here the absolute bottomless pit of grief I still feel right now. yes, the shock has diminished, but life decisions are still being made and nothing is easy and I feel friendless and hopeless right now.

I miss my mummy so very very much. She was my north, my south, my east, my west and the thought of Christmas without her is unbearable. 

There's nothing anyone can do to bring her back and I wouldn't want her to be back if it meant she was going to continue to suffer - there's the dichotomy and yet I want her back so very much. I'm not even sure it's healthy writing all this - I don't care - I can't focus on reading or anything else in life still. I'm so lost without her.

It just felt important to share and to know there are others out there or might have had similar experiences. Thanks for reading.

[tessa]

Hi Autumnleaves,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I went through the same as you when I first lost my mother. My mother has been gone for 1.5years now.
I remember feeling like a zombie when I first lost my mother and for several months later. I went through the motions of being alive but I was completely lost without my mother.
It's been over 1.5yrs and I'm a lot better but I still miss her everyday. Not a day goes by without me wishing both my parents were still here.
Grief is very fresh for you. It will mellow, life will become more bearable. Time will soften the blow.
Hang in there, it gets less awful.