237 days, almost 8 months since the love of my life left

[tlc]

Well, it is 237 days and eight months on 11th of December since Terry left. I have been through so many different phases, the shock and having to deal with formalities, the friends coming almost daily to help and now almost eight months later I find that I am in yet another place that is hard to define. We had each other. We didn't need anyone else. We have a son and daughter between us left and there is no contact with the son for reasons. The daughter is not mine but she is a good girl and trying her best to support me from afar. She lives 2 hours away and has a life of her own. I expect nothing from her so anything that she gives is a gift. 

But, the facts are that I have a disability, live alone now and go for days and days without seeing another living soul except my much loved and appreciated cat Lily. I try to keep busy with courses and getting things done around the house that Terry had planned to do but it's not enough to ease the terrible pain. 

So, today it came to me that this place that I am currently in, is a transition between there and here. I am neither 'here" or "there". In a sort of limbo. I suppose the big question is..do I want to be here or there and with that I can probably answer...there.

So, somehow I have to accept this quiet solitude, solitariness and see what comes out at the other end.

[Brazil Man]

I am sorry for your loss. It's more than six months since my wife passed away. I also live alone, I moved to a small apartment since I became widower.
Hope you can find strengh in this new phase of your live. I know it's very hard.

[HPB]

5 hours ago, tlc said:

We had each other. We didn't need anyone else.

I'm sorry what you are going through, and I share this key element above. My wife was 100% of my life. Lost wife = lost EVERYTHING.

5 hours ago, tlc said:

So, today it came to me that this place that I am currently in, is a transition between there and here. I am neither 'here" or "there". In a sort of limbo. I suppose the big question is..do I want to be here or there and with that I can probably answer...there.

...limbo. Purgatory. No longer belonging to the world as we have known it, but not yet dead.

C.S. Lewis stated in https://freeditorial.com/en/books/a-grief-observed (p10):

"...An  odd  byproduct  of my  loss  is  that  I’m  aware  of  being  an  embarrassment to  everyone  I  meet...."  "..Perhaps  the bereaved  ought  to  be  isolated  in  special  settlements like lepers. To  some  I’m  worse  than  an  embarrassment.  I  am a  death’s  head."

That's how I feel. Still here, but not belonging. It might change over time when some friend is joining our club that nobody wants to belong to. But at the moment I don't have a widower friend.

5 hours ago, tlc said:

...and with that I can probably answer...there.

Agree!

[ModHerc]

So much of my life now seems to be learning to cope with the “here”.  I don’t want to be here, I want to be “there”.  So many “there”s that I would prefer over “here”.  There with her the way we were before, there with her in an afterlife, there having passed through this pain into a life that is happier and less complicated by the grief.

But “here” is what I have, and taking what I can from it and learning these very hard lessons is the only way I know to get “there”.  One moment, one experience, at a time is slowly bringing me where I need to be.  I know you feel lonely and isolated @tlc, but try to take some comfort in knowing that there are many people walking this lonely road with you.  Hoping you find some comfort and companionship in that thought,

Herc

[KayC]

@HPB  I love CS Lewis, he doesn't just address grief like an educator with mere book knowledge, he's experienced it!  He writes with authenticity and his words show he's been through it, all of it.

@tlc  I'm sorry you spend so much time alone.  I see you're in Australia, I'm not sure what services they have there, but here in the US they have senior meals on wheels and they'll bring in meals to people who are housebound, and if you're on disability it's usually free of charge.  Even just that bit of contact can help you from going stir crazy!   They also have senior companions that help take care of running errands, housecleaning, shopping for groceries, etc, you decide what you want them to do in the allotted hours a week.  I've known people who were senior companions, they are very caring and often become good friends to those they care for.  Do you have a senior services there that can help you know what is available for you?

[tlc]

HPB, I have read C.S Lewis book and cried all the way through it.

Kayc thank you for your suggestions but I know those things are available but I want to continue to do my own housework and my own cooking. It givesme something to do and I want to do it. I do have a volunteer who brings me my library books and she and I are becoming friends gradually.

Today, I went to the bank and did some shopping and felt a little better for having done so. Small steps eh?

This space that I find myself in is almost spiritual. A place between dimensions. Nowhere that I have ever experienced before. Perhaps I am going slightly mad!!

[tlc]

Thank you Brazil Man, HPB, Kayc and Herc, I appreciate your advice and concern. I am trying so hard to keep going, finding things to do. These things are mostly finishing things around the house and garden that wce intended to do but that we ran out of time to do them. As I said before, I feel like I am in a strange land, a time warp, in limbo but I am beginning to get used to it and accept this strange place that I find myself. I am trying to look after myself a little better and meditate daily if I can. What more can one do??

[tlc]

So, tonight I sit at home, alone listening to Christmas Carols being sung in a nearby park, the music drifting to me on the air.

Terry and I had sat outside in the garden listening to the carols over many Christmases with a glass of wine and each other. Now, its just me and it is so painful. This will be a first Christmas without the love of my life. How will I get through it?? I don't know if I will.The funny thing about all this is that I always loved Christmas, the tree, the lights, the magic. Terry hated Christmas before we met  and had lots of bad memories of family dynamics. But together, we made Christmas ours. We had the tree and the lights and the magic and it was so good. He made it good.

No Christmas for me any more. No magic, no love, no light. No Terry.

 

[Brazil Man]

25 minutes ago, tlc said:

This will be a first Christmas without the love of my life

For me too, so I understand your pain.

25 minutes ago, tlc said:

No Christmas for me any more. No magic, no love, no light. No Terry.

Now all we have are memories of past Christmases . So sorry about you.

[tlc]

Thank you Brazil Man. Pehaps you understand the sou, gut wrenching pain.

[Brazil Man]

Yes TLC, it's really a gut wrenching pain.

[PhantomBride]

I perfectly understand your feeling. It’d almost ten months since my fiancé passed and still feels like that exact same day. I also feel like in a limbo, but a really bad limbo cause I don’t have any orientation, I don’t know where I’m going and what is my purpose in here.

everything is shattered from where I stand for... even these days. Since our 3rd anniversary I’m having sleepless nights and crisis where I cry hard, but what is weird is the feeling that I don’t cry enough, that I’m looking to let it all out but at the end of crying I still feel like there’s more and more I need to let out but I can’t. 

I probably isolated myself cause I rather this than explaining my feelings and pains.

wherever you are, I feel you and I wish you can feel better soon or later... we all have our times (in my case mine is really slow). If anytime you wanna talk... I’ll be there. 

Much love,

 

[KayC]

I remember feeling as you do PhantomBride.  It took me so so long to find purpose, and my heart is with those who grieve, I want no one to feel alone on this journey, I want everyone to know they are heard and understood, that their feelings are valid, it helps to know that I think.  It took me years to build a life for myself, it's nothing like it was before, but it's a life I can do, you know?  It's as good as I can do without my George here.  And I hope he can see me, even if now and then, I know he knows I love him still, we always knew and had faith in each other.

[PhantomBride]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

And I hope he can see me, even if now and then, I know he knows I love him still, we always knew and had faith in each other.

I already know it’s gonna take me a long, long time... I can see it.

i feel the same, i know he knows I love him deeply, he always sending me little signs (like he always used to tell me “11:11 make a wish” and  now he always puts on my way the 11:11... i honestly sometimes I feel mad at him cause he left me... then i feel guilty and sometimes I think he left me cause I didn’t deserve him... drives me crazy.

today I fell asleep at 6am, it’s been like that since the 7 of dec. and I don’t know why... I even have klonoping for emergencies (prescribed by my therapist) but I don’t wanna take them cause it makes u feel more depressed if u don’t take it with antidepressants. I’ve left therapy since August and I know I should go back, but I feel embarrassed with the dr cause i dropped off everything and That I can’t even be a good patient.

i see I over explained myself... 

9 months feels like an eternity. 

 

[foreverhis]

On 12/3/2018 at 12:44 AM, tlc said:

But, the facts are that I have a disability, live alone now and go for days and days without seeing another living soul

I share this with you, including having disabilities.  Though I do see our neighbors sometimes and a few of them are casual friends, I go days at a time by myself.  I go grocery or other shopping once or twice a week, so I suppose I "see" people then.  But it's so exhausting and it's so hard to come home to a silent house.

Yes, it really does feel like limbo.  My heart and mind want to be where we were a few years ago, but they can't.  So here I sit, in an empty house that was a warm and loving home. 

I guess I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your loneliness.  Does that make sense?

Sending emotional hugs your way.

[PhantomBride]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

 

I guess I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your loneliness.  Does that make sense?

Sending emotional hugs your way.

Thank you; actually it does... this big empty loneliness, it’s hard to be surrounded by people, city sounds and everything but yet it feels so silent inside... 

I just felt like this missing him it’s gonna kill me, actually it’s killing my spirit... 

right now everything gives me nausea, headaches and sleepless nights.

i have this phrase (from a song we both loved and we always said that to each other) tattooed on my arm that says: “Time will see us realign” and I can wait for that... at my 32 years old I feel like I’ve been through so much that I’m losing the fight. Ironic how I got really bad chest pains and I was like “ok this is it” and felt disappointment when it wasn’t it.

for me it’s more easy to write and let tears run down my face because when I try to actually speak, I can’t but just drown in my crying.

 

[foreverhis]

24 minutes ago, PhantomBride said:

I just felt like this missing him it’s gonna kill me, actually it’s killing my spirit... 

My heart goes out to you.  You are so young to have such losses.  Not that it's any easier when we're older, but we do have more to look back on and treasure.  I'm so sorry you did not have that with your love.

I actually wrote something like that to our daughter about her dad's cancer, that it doesn't just harm the body, it destroys our spirits.  I have wondered exactly how much pain the human heart can take before it simply gives up. 

I didn't know that it was possible to love and miss someone this much.  Then again, in my mid 20s I was about to give up on love due to a couple of, shall we say, poor choices in men on my part.  Then he came along and proved me wrong.  Two years after we met, we married, and 35 years later I would do it all again, even if I knew that I'd be where I am now.  He was worth it; he was worth anything and everything.  Actually, I'd do it better if I had a "do over."  I'd be kinder, more understanding, more of everything good, and I'd learn to let the petty things go much younger than I did.

I've also wondered how one body can produce so many tears and so darn much snot, but that's another issue (or is that tissue?).  Yes, it does feel like drowning at times.  Writing here helps because you're right, choking out words is problematic much of the time.

I am sending you hugs and prayers (if that's okay).

[KayC]

19 hours ago, PhantomBride said:

i honestly sometimes I feel mad at him cause he left me... then i feel guilty and sometimes I think he left me cause I didn’t deserve him... drives me crazy.

Oh the emotions we feel and thoughts we think!  Enough to drive us crazy, huh!  I remember feeling angry that he left, I felt abandoned.  And yet I know he'd never willingly cause me any pain, this was something beyond his control.  Our feelings are nilly willy and something to contend with, that's for sure!

[foreverhis]

22 hours ago, PhantomBride said:

i honestly sometimes I feel mad at him cause he left me... then i feel guilty and sometimes I think he left me cause I didn’t deserve him... drives me crazy.

I don't know if this will help, but I've taken to reminding myself out loud that my husband did not leave me, did not leave our girls and family.  The truth is that he was taken from me.  I know he would never have left on purpose.  Please start telling yourself that and say it out loud as often as necessary.

I suspect you know, way deep down under the pain, anger, and guilt we all feel, that you did deserve him and that he had no choice in what happened.  Say that out loud too if it helps.  Say, "We loved and deserved each other.  He did not choose to leave."

I don't even know you, but I can tell by what you've written here that you loved him deeply and did deserve him.  It's okay to be angry when you need to be, when you need to let it out, but please don't let that take over.  There are times I want to be so angry with my love, but I can't because that's when I remind myself that he didn't want to go, that he would never have chosen to leave me alone.

I am sending you giant hugs and the cliché of thoughts and prayers for all of us.

[PhantomBride]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

I am sending you giant hugs and the cliché of thoughts and prayers for all of us.

Thank you all... it does means much to me, I know we don’t know each other but we share so many things in common.

last night I took a klonopin, I had to cause I’ve been so sleepless and with migraines that I couldn’t take it anymore... and finally slept for a long while. I still feel bothered by a light headache and still feeling some chest pains that are now almost reaching my shoulder... but ive slept and that felt really good. I’m still no eating good... everything makes me feel like it’s gonna digest bad so I just take some milk and crackers.

 

Yes I love him pretty deeply, so much that I was gonna move into another country, leave my family, brothers and friends so I can start a new life next to him. I do know he didn’t want it to leave me, he told me that he’d never do that... but the voices inside your head, this anxiety sometimes is stronger than me and the awful thoughts come up to win. 

Im with you guys in pain and everything you’re going through, I know I’m not the only one... pain is pain for all of us and I also ask every day to help us all so we can get some peace at mind and heart... wish we lived closer so we could take some tea and talk about it, cause I feel like you’re the ones I can actually talk and are gonna feel me when I speak. 

Xo.  

[KayC]

20 hours ago, PhantomBride said:

still feeling some chest pains that are now almost reaching my shoulder

If you haven't already, please get it checked out!  Sign of heart trouble, could be serious.  My husband asked that I get a stress test, heart runs in my family, so I made sure to after he died, so far so good.  After witnessing my dad and George and my friend Jim with heart problems I would not wish it!

[PhantomBride]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

If you haven't already, please get it checked out!  Sign of heart trouble, could be serious.  My husband asked that I get a stress test, heart runs in my family, so I made sure to after he died, so far so good.  After witnessing my dad and George and my friend Jim with heart problems I would not wish it!

Ive been to the dr before, it seems like everything it’s alright... my therapist told me it’s my broken heart and my anxiety.

same for my allergies or my bad stomach. 

Incredible how our body works when you’re like this huh...

[KayC]

19 hours ago, PhantomBride said:

Incredible how our body works when you’re like this huh...

Well I'm glad you've had it checked out, by a doctor hopefully, a therapist doesn't have the ability to check a heart condition, but anxiety definitely can mimic heart.  I've had anxiety attacks that I could swear I was having a heart attack.  And yeah it can sure come with the territory when you're grieving.  But so can heart attacks, I guess that's why George wanted me to get a stress test.  The attendant said she wished she had me for a walking partner.  That was 13 years ago, I'd probably drag her down now. 

 

[PhantomBride]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I've had anxiety attacks that I could swear I was having a heart attack.

Tell me about it. I have chronic depression and anxiety so since our anniversary date I’ve been feeling so soooo low, these days I’ve been in bed (not sleeping), isolated as hell wishing I had  company (but still isolating myself), I feel like i have no one to reach (no one that’ll understand what I’m going through, what I’m feeling).

i just can’t hang out... every time I’ve tried all I listen is: “you’re young, you have a lot of things to do, you’re gonna love again, you just have to look foward, you just have to change your mindset , change your attitude, be positive” 

damn I wish good mental health was just a mindset or something about attitude... I wish. My mind is going slow... 

also one thing that I’ve heard was (when I said I was a widow once -cause that’s how my heart feels- ) “you’re not a widow you didn’t got married... and I bet u didn’t knew him enough cause we know someone once we live together” that **** was cruel and shattered even more... 

I truly feel that no one in this city, world or whatever understands me. 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, PhantomBride said:

i just can’t hang out... every time I’ve tried all I listen is: “you’re young, you have a lot of things to do, you’re gonna love again, you just have to look foward, you just have to change your mindset , change your attitude, be positive” 

I am not a violent person and never have been, but statements like that make me visualize slapping the person upside the head. 

Of course you can't stand to be around anyone who would speak to you like that.  In that regard, maybe it's better to be at least middle-aged like me because I'm an age where people think I'm less likely to "find love again" and, of course, more children is not an issue now.  No one has said anything so thoughtless and insensitive to me.  I'm sorry you have had to deal with that on top of your grief and pain.

And the notion that you are somehow "less than" because you were not married to your love?  Oh just...um...the heck with that.  (I am fairly sure I'm not supposed to write the words that came into my mind just then. My mother would roll over in her grave if I did.)

I don't know what to say to help, but I know for sure that when you come here that you are not alone and that no one will be cruel and insensitive.

Big hugs to you.

[PhantomBride]

27 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

6 hours ago, PhantomBride said:

 

I am not a violent person and never have been, but statements like that make me visualize slapping the person upside the head. 

Oh yeaaah... that’s why I don’t hang out with anyone cause it really makes me wanna slap their heads with a shovel or something more heavier than that... Feeling like I wanna explode and yell how they can be such a piece of *beep*... 

i rather being by myself that hear stuff like that.

like when my best friend asked me once: so how everything is going?

me: well at least I’m not thinking about killing myself anymore (I was being so serious)

she: oh don’t tell me things like that *changes subject *

me inside: oh I feel so supported... why the fffffffck are u asking then?

and well, that was my last interaction months ago about my feeling with someone who wasn’t me.

 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, PhantomBride said:

Tell me about it. I have chronic depression and anxiety so since our anniversary date I’ve been feeling so soooo low, these days I’ve been in bed (not sleeping), isolated as hell wishing I had  company (but still isolating myself), I feel like i have no one to reach (no one that’ll understand what I’m going through, what I’m feeling).

i just can’t hang out... every time I’ve tried all I listen is: “you’re young, you have a lot of things to do, you’re gonna love again, you just have to look foward, you just have to change your mindset , change your attitude, be positive” 

damn I wish good mental health was just a mindset or something about attitude... I wish. My mind is going slow... 

also one thing that I’ve heard was (when I said I was a widow once -cause that’s how my heart feels- ) “you’re not a widow you didn’t got married... and I bet u didn’t knew him enough cause we know someone once we live together” that **** was cruel and shattered even more... 

I truly feel that no one in this city, world or whatever understands me. 

I don't swear but I think I could have made up swear words if someone had said that to me!  I wanted to slap him and I'm not a violent person!  SO WRONG!!!!  You were married in your heart, you'd already made the commitment, so if he died a few days or months before "the day" that doesn't mean you feel any less!  Of COURSE you feel a widow!  I DARE that person to come here and tell us that!!  He'd get a tongue lashing he'd not soon forget!  (Or her, whoever it is).

Our attitude, our mindset CAN help, positive thinking, all that, but that alone does NOT fully address grief because grief carries so much that we have to contend with, it's not a matter of wishing it away!  Unfortunately.  It takes a constant working with ourselves, this is more work than anything else I have ever tackled, and that's a LOT!

I'm sorry for crumb-bums like that.  No accounting for some people.  And it's very inappropriate for people to tell you "you're young, you'll love again." You love NOW!  And he was ripped away from you!  How would they feel if that happened to them?!  Their lack of empathy blindsides you.  Maybe you will (love again), maybe you won't, but that is not something for anyone else to bring up to you, ever!  That is something only you alone can decide if or when.  How you traverse this journey is up to YOU alone and it takes much time to figure any of this out and deal with it our way.

I want to share an article I read on another site, I have reformatted it for easier reading but will follow with the actual link to give credit where it is due.

What Is Not Helpful to the Person in Mourning: A List of "Don’ts"

Be aware of what is not helpful to the person in mourning.   Do not: ·         Expect your friend to mourn or heal in certain ways or within a certain time frame. ·         Deliberately avoid the subject of death, change the subject, or act as if nothing has happened. ·         Talk about your own losses, especially early on; this shifts the attention onto you. ·         Use judgmental words like “should” and “shouldn’t.” ·         Begin a sentence with the words “At least . . .” ·         Offer unsolicited advice. ·         Compare one loss with another, or offer judgments about which loss was worse. ·         Take it personally if your friend rebuffs your invitations.  Try again another day, and realize that grief requires being left alone at times.  The mourner needs some time to turn inward, to ponder the deeper meaning of life and death. ·         Try to change what your friend is thinking or feeling. ·         Talk down to the person, in a patronizing way, as if you are the expert. ·         Try to fill up every moment with conversation.  Become comfortable with silence. ·         Ignore warning signs of self-destructive behavior: alcohol, drugs, depression, suicide. Confront the person directly, or organize an intervention with family and friends. ·         Wait for your friend to initiate contact (i.e., call, write or visit). ·         Wait until tomorrow or make promises you cannot (or will not) keep.  Follow through with whatever you have planned or promised. ·         Wait to be asked; this places the burden on the mourner. ·         Expect gratitude for your efforts.  A person in pain is focused inward and self- absorbed, with little room for gratitude.  If you offer help, make sure that it is wanted, and don’t feel hurt or rejected if it is not. ·         Push or expect the mourner to sort through and distribute a loved one’s things. ·         Take away the mourner’s autonomy by doing too much for her or making major decisions that rightfully belong to her. ·         Expect the mourner to begin to reenter social life on other than his/her own time frame. ·         Try to rescue someone from her regrets; she needs time to sort them out, until she is eventually able to forgive herself. ·         Force food on the person if he is not interested in eating. ·         Expect the mourner to be over it within weeks, months or even years. ·         Try to do everything by yourself, or try to fix everything.

Copyright © by Martha M. Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC    All rights reserved
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm

 

[foreverhis]

On 12/3/2018 at 6:20 AM, HPB said:

"To  some  I’m  worse  than  an  embarrassment.  I  am a  death’s  head."

 

On 12/3/2018 at 6:20 AM, HPB said:

Still here, but not belonging.

Unfortunately, that is a really good way of expressing it. 

Some in our circle, not our small group of close friends but people we know, seem uncomfortable around me right now.  At first I thought it was mostly that they didn't know what to say, but after a short while I realized that I'm a terrible reminder that "This could happen to you."  They can't stand the reminder and maybe think I'm some sort of bad luck charm.  Then again, I'm not comfortable around most people right now either.

In late middle age as my love was and I and most of our friends are, we know death is out there waiting, but we don't expect it to happen now.  No one ever does; at least it seems that way to me.  He and I had a nearly impossible time accepting it even as we went through it all.

Because so many people and society in general, at least in the US, suck at handling death, we don't seem to know how to allow a grieving person to simply grieve.  It's as if we need to pretend things are back to "normal" as soon as possible.  Yeah, I think we here know that normal no longer exists and that it's nonsense to expect us to just find a "new normal" (I really loathe that expression).  What I hope to find over time is a way to move through the rest of my live, not move on and not move past.  I pray that down the road that I am able to focus more on what we had and less on what I and our girls have lost.

For now, it is a lonely existence most of the time.  From what I've read, many of the members here are in similar situations.

[PhantomBride]

59 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

 

For now, it is a lonely existence most of the time.  From what I've read, many of the members here are in similar situations.

Exactly... you know it feels like being a giant open wound and the slightest move, anything that fall into it, it’ll cause you so much pain.

ive realized this world lacks of empathy, people are becoming so self centered... I just wish we can find some peace and comfort.

ive been anxious all my life and I’ve found someone who knew how to understand me and with just a “everything it’s gonna be okay” could made me feel like yes, everything was gonna be okay and calm all my anxieties... now this human left and I don’t know when things are gonna be at least, partially okay.

[PhantomBride]

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't swear but I think I could have made up swear words if someone had said that to me!

I tend to swear either in my head or privately at home.  My daughter and I have come up with words that are not swears, but that can express emotion none the less.  Her personal favorite is "Shish kabob!" said with emphasis on the "shish."  My personal favorites are "Oh, fuddles" and "Fleek it!"  The intent is clear (and of course, fuddles and fleek aren't even proper words), but they are not offensive or inappropriate.  You should definitely make up words to express that kind of anger; it's really helpful to be able to get the point across without using "four letter" words.  Not that there is anything wrong with a good swear word, but for me, they're appropriate privately (or in front of my hubby from time to time).  If I swore at home, he knew I was really upset.  I never, never swore at him, just in his presence sometimes.

[KayC]

My sister-in-law says, "Foul, foul, filth and foul!"  It always sounds funny when she says it but it does an apt job for her!

[KayC]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

 

Unfortunately, that is a really good way of expressing it. 

Some in our circle, not our small group of close friends but people we know, seem uncomfortable around me right now.  At first I thought it was mostly that they didn't know what to say, but after a short while I realized that I'm a terrible reminder that "This could happen to you."  They can't stand the reminder and maybe think I'm some sort of bad luck charm.  Then again, I'm not comfortable around most people right now either.

In late middle age as my love was and I and most of our friends are, we know death is out there waiting, but we don't expect it to happen now.  No one ever does; at least it seems that way to me.  He and I had a nearly impossible time accepting it even as we went through it all.

Because so many people and society in general, at least in the US, suck at handling death, we don't seem to know how to allow a grieving person to simply grieve.  It's as if we need to pretend things are back to "normal" as soon as possible.  Yeah, I think we here know that normal no longer exists and that it's nonsense to expect us to just find a "new normal" (I really loathe that expression).  What I hope to find over time is a way to move through the rest of my live, not move on and not move past.  I pray that down the road that I am able to focus more on what we had and less on what I and our girls have lost.

For now, it is a lonely existence most of the time.  From what I've read, many of the members here are in similar situations.

You've hit the nail right on the head.  Yes they are uncomfortable with death, with the subject, with their own mortality and fear, with not knowing how to respond to us.  I am fortunate now to know many many widows but when George died barely 51, it was foreign to our friends and they recoiled and disappeared.