Members John/Wendy Posted December 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 2, 2018 I’m new to this forum, or any forum for that matter. Truth is I’m totally lost and don’t have a clue on how to go on in life. I’m 56 years old and lost my wife Wendy to cancer 11/16/2018. Her battle with breast cancer started last year and I’m left with horrible memories of surgeries, radiation burns and hospice. I can’t feel comfortable in my own house or my own skin. I just want to be where she is. I made her promises to look after our kids and grandkids, but I’m having hell just to breathe. How long until I can sleep or not cry or look anywhere without seeing her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members crackerjack4u Posted December 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 2, 2018 @John/Wendy I'm so sorry for your loss. You have come to a wonderful forum filled with people who are going through similar experiences as your own. I say similar experiences, not the Same because no 2 journeys, or no 2 losses are ever the same. Your wife sounds like she was a wonderful woman, who put up a heck of a fight with her loving husband by her side every step of the way. Please know that although you feel very much alone at the moment, you are Not alone. Your wife IS still right there with you, in spirit, in your heart, in your memories, and in those children, and in your grandchildren. Your best option right now is to surround yourself with friends, family, and those of us here on the forum who are walking that similar path. I've been told that Patience, Time, not being hard on yourself, and Baby Steps-one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one minute at a time which ever works to get you through that particular day are the keys to eventually coming out the other side of this journey. (I'm not there myself either as I lost my beautiful husband to Sarcoma just 38 days ago, but I'm slowly managing to get through one looooong day at a time, and this forum has been a wonderful help in my being able to do that). Try to not focus as much on the ending, and the battle that she fought as those memories will haunt you, (I know this as this is where my initial focus was as well. The Sarcoma my husband had was sooooo aggressive, he lost so much weight, and the disease was effecting his brain, his neuro functions, etc. prior to his passing, it was absolutely horrible, and I cry every time I think about what he was forced to go through). It's easier to get through the days instead by trying to focus more on the happier times, and memories that will bring a smile to your face (like the day you all got married or had your children, your grandchildren, a special trip you took, etc. as your beautiful wife was not just the person you saw at the end, that disease did not define who she was, it merely defines the battle that she fought, and what occurred that took her from you. She was a entire lifetime of special memories, smiles, laughter, and love so let those precious memories guide you, remind you, and give you strength along this difficult journey. May each day of this difficult journey allow you to recall some special memory of your beautiful wife that will bring a smile to your face. Remember one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one minute at a time whatever it takes to get through another day is the only way to get through this horrible journey without those we love the most. Hugs and Love to you, and remember you are NOT alone. Again I am so sorry for your loss hun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John/Wendy Posted December 2, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted December 2, 2018 Thank you crakerkack4u. That made my morning. I’ll try your many suggestions. Also my condenses for the loss of your husband. One of the hardest things about losing someone to cancer and experiencing cancer is the shear horror of knowing how many people have and will go through this nightmare disease. A lifetime of hearing about it and seeing all the fundraisers and multicolored ribbons can’t prepare you for how devistaing cancer is to a family. I’m glad to hear the positive in your message and the healing, and dealing your going through. My wife was the positive in my life. I am a pessimist by nature. I’m grateful for your thoughts and I’m trying to move forward. What a beautiful forum this is where people can help communicate and relate healing ideas and methods in real time life grieving. Thank you again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted December 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 2, 2018 17 hours ago, John/Wendy said: I’m new to this forum, or any forum for that matter. Truth is I’m totally lost and don’t have a clue on how to go on in life. I’m 56 years old and lost my wife Wendy to cancer 11/16/2018. Her battle with breast cancer started last year and I’m left with horrible memories of surgeries, radiation burns and hospice. I can’t feel comfortable in my own house or my own skin. I just want to be where she is. I made her promises to look after our kids and grandkids, but I’m having hell just to breathe. How long until I can sleep or not cry or look anywhere without seeing her? I lost my husband to cancer in Feb of this year and it is not something you would wish on anyone. On the 9th of this month it will be 10 months I have been on this journey and I have found that in time you begin to be able to remember them without that pain that wants to crush you. I found this forum several months ago during one night where I just wanted to stop living. As I posted what I was feeling and started getting responses from others here on the forum I started to realize that there was hope and that it just might be possible to get thru this. For myself I have found that writing is a way for me to let out the emotions that want to take over and I have written many things that I have shared here also. If you want to read any of them it is under - Loss of a Partner and then look for - Grief, One Size Does Not Fit All by KatB. We all are taking a journey that is not an easy one and while each of us will have to find the things that will keep us going it still helps to know that there are others who understand and will be there to listen when you need a friend. It also is a place where you can say whatever it is that is bothering you and no one will judge you in any way. One hour, one minute or one moment, whatever it takes for you to get thru. Hugs and Prayers to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members crackerjack4u Posted December 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 2, 2018 5 hours ago, John/Wendy said: Thank you crakerkack4u. That made my morning. I’ll try your many suggestions. Also my condenses for the loss of your husband. One of the hardest things about losing someone to cancer and experiencing cancer is the shear horror of knowing how many people have and will go through this nightmare disease. A lifetime of hearing about it and seeing all the fundraisers and multicolored ribbons can’t prepare you for how devistaing cancer is to a family. I’m glad to hear the positive in your message and the healing, and dealing your going through. My wife was the positive in my life. I am a pessimist by nature. I’m grateful for your thoughts and I’m trying to move forward. What a beautiful forum this is where people can help communicate and relate healing ideas and methods in real time life grieving. Thank you again. Thank you John/Wendy. Yes, Cancer is horrible, and you are correct in saying that nothing prepares you for the toll it takes on the person battling it, and the devastation it leaves on those of us left behind. This is a wonderful forum, and the people I've met so far have all been so kind, supportive, non judgmental, and helpful in this unwanted journey that we are all being forced to take. I'm not really an overly positive person, I too have my pessimistic side, but I feel the life, and love I had with my husband, and going through what we did together has made me a better person, and has made me appreciate the little things in life more, made me be able to not stress as much over small insignificant things, and has forced me to try to live my life without him in a way that would make him proud. I know he wouldn't want me sad and crying all the time, so I try my best to try to do as I know he would want me to do, but most of the time that's easier said than done because life as I know it has now been shattered in the blink of an eye, and will never be the same again without him in it. So one day, one hour, one minute at a time I go, to where though, I'm still not sure. Hugs to you. We're here if you want/need to talk. PS-I'm sorry my 1st comment above took up almost an entire page, I'm not sure exactly what happened there, so hopefully the moderators can come in and fix it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted December 3, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted December 3, 2018 23 hours ago, John/Wendy said: I’m new to this forum, or any forum for that matter. Truth is I’m totally lost and don’t have a clue on how to go on in life. I’m 56 years old and lost my wife Wendy to cancer 11/16/2018. Her battle with breast cancer started last year and I’m left with horrible memories of surgeries, radiation burns and hospice. I can’t feel comfortable in my own house or my own skin. I just want to be where she is. I made her promises to look after our kids and grandkids, but I’m having hell just to breathe. How long until I can sleep or not cry or look anywhere without seeing her? @John/Wendy, I am so sorry for you and your beloved Wendy. Cancer is an awful disease that takes its toll not only on the person who has it, but everyone that is touched by their lives. I am so sorry you had to deal with it, and know the struggle you have been and are going through. With my wife it was juvenile onset diabetes and kidney failure, but they result in many similar situations. I know the difficulties of staying at the hospitals for days or weeks at a time. I still struggle with the difficult decisions we had to make about treatments that seemed to harm as much as they helped. Many of us here know, so we don’t need to go into the details. I take some small solace in knowing that at least my wife, Christine, is no longer suffering through that. I also can relate to not feeling comfortable in my own house and skin. There are many symptoms of grief, and self doubt and depression are definitely among them. Unfortunately I don’t have an answer for you on how long your grief will keep sleep, peace, and serenity from you. Everyone’s grief journey is different, and it is best not to put any time lines on it. What I can tell you is that the grief changes over time. It never really goes away, but we can learn from it, and learn ways to cope with it. For me it started slowly, only minutes, then hours where I began to slowly grow and learn to deal with the pain and loss. Roughly two years in to my journey now I still have waves of emotion and horribly difficult days, but it is evolving as I am learning. I find that I am not learning how to live without her as much as I am learning how to live with her in my heart if that helps or makes any sense. In the early stages of grief it is not unusual for people to go through shock and have physical symptoms. I suffered from shock for two months or more. When I first came here, it was suggested that I focus on the basics of self care. “Eat what you can, sleep when you can, excercise if you can, and when all else fails drink plenty of water”. I found that to be great advice that helped me through the pain, so I offer it to you as well. I am so sorry you had reason to find this forum, no one should have to become a member of this awful club. I am grateful you found your way here though, to a place where you can find people who empathize and understand. Wishing you all the moments you can find of peace, comfort, and rest, Herc PS @crackerjack4u, I think you just hit the return key a bunch of times at the end of your post. You can probably hit the edit button and delete them out if you want to. Or you can leave it, the message behind the post was wonderful, and the blank space sort of emphasized it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members crackerjack4u Posted December 3, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2018 @Herc Thank you got it Fixed . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John/Wendy Posted December 3, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2018 Thank you for the kind words and sharing your grief and love stories with me. I can feel the pain and hear the growth in each of your lives. Just knowing there is a way through this is a great comfort. I am very gradually coming to terms with the facts of my new life without my wife. Every second of every day is proving difficult. I’m plagued by a mind that plays every “what if” scenario in my head. Every sad song I’ve ever heard about losing a loved one plays in the background. Trying to turn it all off is proving problematic . I know it’s my journey and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, but this is a living hell. I’ll take solice in the hopes of surviving this as so many of you have. I’ve read many of the posts in this forum and they are a source of great comfort. Thanks to everyone who has shared this most personal and difficult part of life’s journey. Your continued thoughts and insperational testimonies truley help heal broken hearts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.