My mother's death.

[Derotanim]

There’s a bit more to this than there might seem to be. As a 17-year old it just feels cruel that all this has happened / is happening.

My mother died 2.5 weeks ago, completely unexpectedly, of sepsis. She had had an accident 1.5 months prior to her death, which led her to be hospitalised with a broken leg and pelvis for just about a month. After returning home, she was using a rollator but had to stay on the bottom floor of our house.

I cared for her intensively, bringing her food and helping her around the house. She was making immense progress, and all the doctors were astounded at her speed of recovery.

It was only about 2 weeks after her release from hospital that my mother caught the flu - or rather, what we thought was the flu. All symptoms were identical.

With time, she felt worse and worse, eventually not even being able to get out of bed and walk around due to a great weakness in her legs. This was only one of many new symptoms. One week after she initially fell ill, we decided to call the ambulance (doctors we had contacted had recommended this as well).

When the ambulance came, I explained the situation to them and they decided that it was quite serious, and possibly neurological. They took her straight to the nearest hospital, which sadly was not the private clinic in Vienna (we live just outside the city) that my mum had been hoping for.

I went with her in the ambulance, and waited at the hospital for 2 hours to be able to see her. The nurses told me she was very sick, and would be taken to the intensive care ward. At this point I saw my mum briefly, just having enough time to jokingly tell her about her high heart rate and say a few other things I can’t remember. Then a nurse asked me to leave for a moment. I thought he meant I would have to leave for a while, so I left and went home, thinking my mum would probably be fine by next morning.

This was not to be.

That same night at 10pm I received a call from someone identifying himself as my mum’s main doctor. He told me her condition was critical, and that they were deciding whether or not to put her into artificial sleep. The decision would be made within the next hour. He also asked me if there were any other family members to inform, to which I replied that there was only me. The doctor asked me to leave my phone on for the next few hours, then said goodbye and hung up.

I did as I was told, and left my phone on loud, not wanting to miss anything. I also had a little cry, and theorised about what would happen if she died. Then I told myself that was stupid, and went back to the living room.

I started watching the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie, but stopped before the half-way point to answer a call. The same doctor from earlier told me that my mum’s condition was highly critical, and that I should come to the hospital as soon as possible. I was dumbstruck.

With there being no public transport at just past midnight, I called one of my mum’s close colleagues from work, who had been in the house when we called the ambulance, to ask him if he would come out from Vienna and drive me to the hospital. He answered, and said he’d be at my house in 40 minutes.

45 minutes later I was in his car on the way to the hospital, which is around a 30 minute drive from my place. 10 minutes or so from the hospital the doctor called me again, and asked if I was on the way, as it was quite important I spoke to him. I said I would be there in less than 15 minutes. That’s all he said. I had a funny feeling at this stage - something just didn’t seem right. Why hadn’t he given me any further information regarding her health?

15 minutes later I had just shaken hands with the doctor, who told me and my friend to take a seat. Then he proceeded to tell me that my mum had died at around 1:30 am. It was close to 2am.

This is where it all ends for me. My life had come to an end. My mum and I were incredibly close, more so than most mums and sons. She had divorced my psychopath (a word that doesn’t quite begin to describe him) father around 4 years ago, and since then we had been living together with out now 8-year old cat. We were both so happy together, and she is the one person I knew fully understood me. She was most of my life, and now she’s gone. We had fought so much (including, I'm afraid to say, my dad) together - she was a truly brilliant person.

It only got worse from this point on. I decided to call my father, who I had told twice in court that I did not want to have contact with him. He made his way from Cyprus (his current residence) to Vienna the same Tuesday my mum died in order to look after me for a bit. I couldn’t face seeing him, let alone having him inside the house my mum and I had worked so hard to make our own. She never wanted him to see how we lived. I had no other choice, though, and so that same evening there I was, sitting with my father mourning the death of my mother.

That never seemed right to me - the fact that he mourned her death as I did. She hated him, and he worked hard to destroy her in all legal battles over ownership of possessions, even going so far as spending a tonne of money to hire a Queen’s Council to represent him in a court case in Australia. He said he always loved her, and wanted to have a good relationship with her after all the legal processes. My mind kept repeating the same word: Bullshit.

Within a few days, logistics came into play. My dad told me he wouldn't be able to afford my living in what was now my apartment, as he also needed to pay the rent in Cyprus. Again: Bullshit. My dad has a high ranking job in the UN, where he earns upwards of $6000 per month. My mum and I had a small flat, which in no way would burden his bank account (which included money he had wiped from his and my mum’s shared account when she initially left him). He also told me he would like me to move to Cyprus with him, only to travel back to Klosterneuburg (the town outside Vienna I lived in) to take my exams. My thoughts were the same as earlier: (What utter) Bullshit.

I managed to get my class teacher to convince him to let me stay here, as this was (is) my final year of school and I had big exams coming up in less than 6 months. Yet there remained the issue of where I would stay, especially as my dad could not give up his job in Cyprus. I urged him to keep the job, as I had applied to universities in the UK, for which the UN would pay 80% of the tuition fees.

My dad didn’t want me to live in the apartment (now mine) alone, and said he would want a trustworthy (different meaning for him than for me) adult there with me to help me as I grieve. I asked him who he had in mind, but there was no one. He expected me to come up with an adult he would like that would literally live with me for 7 months, until I head to the UK for university. Bullshit, that’s not my duty.

My best friend offered to have me stay at his place for as long as need be (even until my departure to the UK), so I ended up taking him up on this offer. Now my flat is deserted, with all my possessions in it. The only living soul there belongs to my cat, who currently is still there until we decide what to do with her. I miss her, and my house, so, so much, but there seems to be nothing I can do.

My life has turned into ****.

I’ve had two funeral ceremonies for my mum - one private (for all friends) and one at her (former) workplace. Both were beautiful, but also painful, as I still have not fully realised what has happened.

Most of my grief has been lost, or suppressed, by my hatred of the current state of affairs. As much as I love my best friend (who I at times think has a minor form of autism and/or ADHD) and his family for giving me a place to stay, I do not feel like it is my home. My mum and I had collected countless items from the Middle East, which we decorated the house with. Now I live with a family of 4 (?) that do not approach life in the same way I do.

I cannot bear to see my dad, or even speak to him over the phone, which is an activity he insists on. I feel more angry and sad and (almost a bit) depressed about where I am now than about what has happened to my mum, who I will now never see or speak to again in my life.

As I said, she was everything to me, and my brain, heart and soul will not accept that she is gone. It cannot be. She was never a sick person. The last accident of any kind she had was a two months or so prior to her death, and that was simply a fall down some stairs (very treatable in her case). She recovered so quickly, and I even watched her make her first trip back up the stairs from the ground level of our 3-floored house (all floors are quite small individually) while on crutches. I had specially put some anti-slip strips on the stairs to aid her in her passage up and down. After two months in hospital and in bed on the ground level of her house, she made it up the stairs (only to the first floor, mind you) once. Then she got that virus, and died. Now the anti-slip strips remind me of her whenever I visit my house before and after school (mainly to be company for and feed the cat). I spent so much time alone while she was in hospital, but back then I saw it as an almost pleasant thing. I had some time to myself, and could do what I wanted when I wanted to (I’m not a party kind of guy, so that did not happen). Now I hate being without her, and wish I had done more with her. But it was not meant to be.

By now, she will have been cremated, and her ashes will be transported to Australia for me to eventually scatter somewhere.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve never been depressed in my life (and still would barely use that term to describe myself), but I’ve almost felt like killing myself recently. It seems the only escape from reality. The only thing holding me back is the knowledge that my mum would not want me to do that. I just want to see her again (if only I believed in a heaven, which has become a much more appealing concept since my mum’s death).

The saddest thing for me was that I received an invitation to interview from the University of Cambridge on Wednesday, one day after my mother’s death. I just want to share that experience with her, as opposed to my dad, who is taking me there for the interviews on Monday.

I don’t expect advice, or anything, really. It doesn’t even help that much to let my thoughts travel across the keyboard. I feel like this just needed to be said, as somehow the only person I would have told anything like this would have been my mum, who is essentially the reason for my telling anything like this.

[reader]

Dear Derotanim,

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. It is a lot to go through for someone so young. It's so hard.

Please know we are with you and here to listen as much as you need. Losing a beloved parent is a very raw time. But keep taking it moment by moment and hanging in there. And if you feel like maybe consider talking to a grief counselor or joining a support group.

I hope your interview on Wednesday goes well.

Thinking of you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

[missjackielam1345]

Dear Derotanim,

I'm really sorry about your loss and condolences to you and family. I also lost my mother to sepsis about 1 month ago and I know its hard. It was really sudden and so unexpected. Some days it will be hard because you miss her so much and wish she was here and some days will be better. I know the feeling all too well. Its been hard on me because my father is no help either. I've had to take on everything my mom did with school and work and he just always upset about everything and wants to make sure its taken care of. He has no patience and doesn't understand my load. I completely feel the same way as you. My mother resented my father. And to see him say he wanted the best for her blah blah blah but he never lifted a finger to help do anything. It's bull ****. But just hang in there keep on going and stay strong. We are here for you for support. 

[Derotanim]

On 12/4/2018 at 7:26 PM, reader said:

Dear Derotanim,

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. It is a lot to go through for someone so young. It's so hard.

Please know we are with you and here to listen as much as you need. Losing a beloved parent is a very raw time. But keep taking it moment by moment and hanging in there. And if you feel like maybe consider talking to a grief counselor or joining a support group.

I hope your interview on Wednesday goes well.

Thinking of you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you. The interview went quite well. 

How am I meant to cope with a situation like this? I've been forced to move in with a friend of mine (nice of him to offer, but it's not my home, hence my feeling uncomfortable) by my dad, who I still wish to not have contact with. There's not a single moment of my day that I wouldn't give everything to have my mum back.

[Derotanim]

On 12/10/2018 at 9:00 AM, missjackielam1345 said:

Dear Derotanim,

I'm really sorry about your loss and condolences to you and family. I also lost my mother to sepsis about 1 month ago and I know its hard. It was really sudden and so unexpected. Some days it will be hard because you miss her so much and wish she was here and some days will be better. I know the feeling all too well. Its been hard on me because my father is no help either. I've had to take on everything my mom did with school and work and he just always upset about everything and wants to make sure its taken care of. He has no patience and doesn't understand my load. I completely feel the same way as you. My mother resented my father. And to see him say he wanted the best for her blah blah blah but he never lifted a finger to help do anything. It's bull ****. But just hang in there keep on going and stay strong. We are here for you for support. 

Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. It's quite coincidental that you're in such a similar situation (also what concerns private life with father etc.). Do you mind if I ask how you're managing?