Grief is exhausting

[ForgetMeNot150]

I knew it was an effort each day, but I didn't realise just how much energy it was taking for me to get through a day with my grief. 

I was doing pretty well until the end of last week when I came down with a cold. It started off just as an annoying cough, but then I woke up Friday morning with a streaming nose and eyes and just felt miserable and completely drained of all energy. I took my first sick day in the almost 2 and 1/2 years I've been at my job as I knew I just couldn't do anything. I dropped the kids off at the school buses and then spent the day watching Netflix, crying a lot and basically feeling sorry for myself. All weekend I struggled as I didn't have the energy to put the brave face on that I usually wear every day. I hate being like that. I don't believe I achieve anything by feeling sorry for myself - it doesn't get the dinner cooked, the house cleaned, or the lawn mowed and I know Craig wouldn't want me to be miserable. There is always something positive to focus on, but I struggled to find it and was a mess!

BUT....after the first day, I didn't beat myself up too much and tried to just go with it and have now made it through to the other side of this wave and can see the horizon again. I took it as a sign that my body just needed to rest and have a weekend off the garden and house work that will still be there the following weekend and I can't possibly do it all anyway. I have to stop putting so much pressure on myself to achieve everything and just focus on something small each day so that I feel like I am getting somewhere, otherwise it just becomes too overwhelming!

After I was coming right and feeling better on Tuesday, we got the awesome news that my 11 year old daughter got into an extension class in her new school which she will start in the new year. This is a big achievement as out of over 150 kids, they pick 60 to sit some tests and then choose 30 of those to go into the class where they get extra challenges and more opportunities. So whilst this is a thing to celebrate, which we did, I found it really hard as Craig would have been the first to congratulate her. I know he would be so proud of her and this really hit me more than I expected as I really wanted to share that joy with him. I tried to keep a brave face in front of the kids and stay positive to celebrate, but inside I was in tears (which then came out tenfold after they had gone to bed). The little things like this are what will be really tough going forward. He was always so proud of "his girls" and I miss the looks we would share when they did something cute or silly.

I can't imagine that ever changing or getting any easier as there will always be something that I will want to share with him. No doubt I will find a way to cope with it eventually. For now I talk to him and tell him everything that I am feeling, but just needed to let it out here too as writing it down is therapeutic and helps me to clear my head, process my feelings and try to move forward.

Grieving is an exhausting process with no secret passage through it, and no quick fix, (no matter how hard I try to find it ). It takes so much energy to stay positive and keep going each day, but eventually I know I will weather this storm, the dust will settle and I'll be able to relax again as the weight of grief won't be so heavy on my shoulders. 

I am so glad I found this site as reading other's posts on here and the genuine support and understanding that is offered helps me so much when I am struggling even when I don't have the energy to post anything or reply myself. THANK YOU.

  

[KayC]

2 hours ago, ForgetMeNot150 said:

there will always be something that I will want to share with him.

I think it was Leann that posted that she talks to her husband in the car...I smiled as I thought the next time I see someone in their car that appears to be talking to themselves, I'll think to myself, that could be Leann...or any of us.  I hope my George can read my thoughts as I'm always thinking of him...

[ModHerc]

@ForgetMeNot150,

Grief certainly is exhausting, emotionally, mentally and physically.  The way you are getting though and coping with it is inspirational.  With children, work, and a house to take care of it can't be easy for you to find time to just rest and recharge.  The rest and recovering your energy is important though, so please try to find those moments where you can.

I know what you mean about always wanting to share with him.  My daughter got a fantastic job, and I so mush wish my wife were here so she could tell her how proud she is and share in the accomplishment.  I know my wife is proud of her though, so I make sure to tell my daughter for my wife, as well as expressing my own pride and love for her.  Sometimes it ends with both of us crying, but I think that is healthy and normal too.  Hoping you are feeling better as far as the cold goes, and knowing you have the strength and resolve to weather the storms,

Herc

[ForgetMeNot150]

@KayC  I thought exactly the same thing when I read Leann's post and will wonder now every time I see someone talking in their car!

I usually have the kids in the car with me, so can't talk to him then, but if the weather is nice, I imagine that he's in the clouds drifting across the blue sky. It makes my walk to work and back happier knowing he's looking down on me and that he is free and released from this world. He had such a hard time over the last year so I can now picture him with energy to do anything he wants, which probably includes flying over me and laughing! We laughed a lot and would joke all the time. I look up at the clouds and smile and talk to him - not big conversations, but just "It's a good day today, babe" or "thinking of you". I probably look like a weirdo grinning up at the sky, but I don't care - that walk used to be the hardest part of my day and now it is almost enjoyable. I think not caring what other people think is incredibly important in coping with this. There is no right way to do it and we all just have to do what works for us and nobody, even if they have experienced it, will understand just what we have lost as our partnerships were unique to us. Nobody understood our relationship even when he was here, so I can't expect them to get it now!!  

@Herc Thank you for your kind words. I don't feel inspirational. I just don't feel like I have a choice. Sitting and feeling sorry for myself, although inevitable sometimes, isn't a long-term option for me, so I just have to get on with things and keep going. Having the kids to look after and for company no doubt helps as they are always keeping an eye on me and can tell when things get too much. Yes it is healthy to cry together and we do that too and acknowledge it. They are missing him just as much as I do and to hide those feelings and pretend they aren't there is only going to cause problems later on!

Although it is not necessarily resting, being in my garden is when I get to relax and I talk to him there too. I don't have any pink flamingos though! For me, it is the weedeater. He hated small motors and didn't have much patience with them if they didn't start first time. So when the weedeater doesn't start I talk to it as though he can hear me. The first time I used it after he had gone it hadn't been used for ages and refused to start. I had to google solutions and ended up having to clean the spark plug. I got it going eventually and looked up and smiled at him. "See what patience does?" If it had been him, there would have been lots of swearing before that point, but I just stayed calm so I can show him "I've got this" and make him proud. We worked so hard on our garden together, building retaining walls and decks and would be out there together most weekends so I always feel close to him working on it. There is still a lot to do, as well as the general maintenance. Perhaps a bit too much just for me, but I can't think of leaving so might have to look for a gardener to come in and keep the grass down just so I can focus on the plants and more fun projects and not stress about it. But that is a decision for another day!

My cold is nearly gone although I still have a bit of a cough, but I have managed to survive the week back at work. It is Friday morning now, so only one day to go and it's the weekend and I can get back out in the garden which I really missed last weekend. Hopefully the weather will be nice as we have been having a bit of rain lately, the usual spring showers! Fingers crossed!

[Sunshine247]

@forgetmenot - I am so glad that you are feeling better! That is wonderful news about your daughter and Craig IS proud of her - he has passed but he is not PAST. He is still right with you, watching over you, cheering you along. I talk to Bob all the time too and I have found that when I do, it brings a sense of calmness and peace to me. It doesn't stop me from missing him - I'm not sure that will ever go away, but maybe I will just used to it at some point. I found a few books through Amazon that have been really helpful to me - I will put them in a different post so others can find them too. 

My take on this - being new at it - is whatever works to get YOU through it. Everyone's grief is as individual as they are, as their relationship was, as their love is. Love does not end with death - it is just the body giving out. Love is eternal. My mother had that engraved on the inside of her wedding ring and all three of we daughters have it on ours as well. Mary Todd Lincoln, who was married to President Abraham, had that on hers.

It is raining here today but in a way, it is very soothing and comforting - almost like a cleansing - washing away sorrows and restoring them with rainbows. 

So cheers, my friend! Craig and Bob are sitting up there celebrating your daughter's and yours and my victories - some large (your daughter's), some significant (you getting the weed eater working) and some small - I managed to clean the house. 

Day by day, hour by hour, a baby step at a time. We will make it through this - they will guide us and comfort us and carry us when we need it - and we have each other.

big hugs and love to all and thanks for being here. Wishing all of you some peace and comfort today and a hug from above.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, ForgetMeNot150 said:

I think not caring what other people think is incredibly important in coping with this.

I think so too! I imagine most of us talk to them!

21 hours ago, ForgetMeNot150 said:

Nobody understood our relationship even when he was here, so I can't expect them to get it now!!  

For sure!
 

 

18 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

My take on this - being new at it - is whatever works to get YOU through it.

Yep, you've got it!

[crackerjack4u]

@ForgetMeNot150 Yes, grief is very exhausting.  Most days it feels like I am literally having to drag myself to the next minute of it. 

Because of the amount of energy that grieving takes from your body, plus the lack of well needed rest, usually not a well balanced diet, if eating at all during this time, etc. it drags your immune system down, so you are more likely to get ill and catch every little germ flying by.  I can actually help you with the cold/flu issues as I've found a sure fire way to help keep them at bay.  I see that you are from New Zealand so I'm not sure if these are available to you or not but if they are try this.   Buy Airborne Effervescent in orange flavor, and Emergen-C (or you can also crush (2) 500mg Vitamin C tablets) (generic brands of the Airbourne and Emergen-C work fine too), and at the very 1st sign of cold or flu symptoms be it a scratchy throat, runny nose, cough, body aches, etc.  Mix 1 pack of Emergen-C (or 2 crushed 500mg Vit C tablets) with 1 effervescent tablet of Airborne is 4-8 ounces of water, and drink it At Least 2xs the 1st day, and use it the following day once or twice if needed if you still feel the symptoms, and you still feel like you are trying to get sick.(usually the first day doses will knock it but sometimes it takes that 2nd day doses to do the trick).  Again, you have to use this right at the very 1st sign of a cold or the flu or it won't work.  You can also do this one to two times weekly routinely if you are prone to catching colds through the Winter months etc., and it Will help keep you well.  I've not had a cold/flu for over 5 years using this combination. With us grieving and not taking as good of care of ourselves as we should be at the moment we need all the help we can get to try to stay well.   It's not the cure for the common cold, but it's pretty darn close.

Congrats on your daughter that is a huge accomplishment. I know you, her,  and Craig are all  really proud.   Sounds like you did well on fixing the weed eater too.  Just a few days after my hubby passed the sump pump went out here, and the basement was completely flooded, but I managed to fix it myself without having to pay somebody to come fix it for me.  Thank Goodness for YouTube how to, DIY, videos. 

We all tend to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes because we've lost someone very special to us, our lives have changed drastically, and we are left with a huge hole in our hearts.  I'm actually grateful for things in life that force me to have to keep moving forward because I could very easily hold my David's urn in my hands, slide down in the corner, and stay there, but thankfully life prevents me from doing that, and keeps me moving forward.  Baby steps on this journey is a must.  Merely putting one foot in front of the other often feels like you've ran a marathon, so slow and easy, and hopefully when we all come out the other side things will be a little easier to cope with.  Hugs and Love hun.       

[ForgetMeNot150]

@crackerjack4u

Thank you so much for the reply and the remedy. I usually do something similar, but it just didn't do anything this time or maybe I just didn't pick it up in time. And working in an air conditioned office all day doesn't help either. But I think my body just needed to rest and have a day off sick at home so I could just collapse with no kids around!

I thought of you and your basement on Sunday night. One minute we had a beautiful warm evening and then we heard the rain coming and could see it moving like a wall of water towards the house! It was amazing and a proper monsoon kind of rain (unusual for here). It sounded like someone waterblasting the whole roof at the same time. I was just saying goodnight to my daughter and we looked up and noticed water cascading down the outside of the ranch slider door which is protected by a canopy and is also a metre inside the eaves of the house, so it wasn't good. The gutter had got blocked and the water had backed up and was coming inside the roof. It started dripping down the inside of the door too, so the girls were running around getting buckets and towels and mopping that up while I climbed onto the deck railing to unblock the downpipe in the gutter, whilst getting totally soaked! No time for YouTube videos this time though!  But we got it sorted and laughed about it. My youngest thought it was a great story to tell everyone at the bus stop the next morning!

But other than that, I am doing better again now. I'm looking forward to Christmas as I get 3 weeks off work which is just what I need right now and means I can take a bit of time for myself and relax!

Thanks again & thinking of you.

[KayC]

I hope you have a roofer take a look at it...if there's water inside the eaves or attic it'll need to be dried out.  Also something might need sealed up so it doesn't have a repeat.  Hopefully just a fluke from the strong wind/rain that was too much for the roof to hold!  Wow, that must have been something!  It's amazing what we can do when we have to!

[Sunflower2]

On ‎12‎/‎1‎/‎2018 at 12:31 AM, crackerjack4u said:

Yes, grief is very exhausting.  Most days it feels like I am literally having to drag myself to the next minute of it

amazingly exhausting.  There are those days the energy returns but then exhaustion kicks back in.  It is totally, for now, enmeshed into our being and is a major "side effect" of grieve that has to be acknowledged.  That's when self care has to kick in.  This is being said 14 months into the passing of my partner and 5 months into the passing of my mom.  I do factor in age at times to rationalize the intensity of the exhaustion. 

Today is complete relaxation after returning to lightness.  2 days of darkness. 2 days of questioning . 2 days experiencing anger at an entirely new level while recovering from bronchitis. The blessing is the clarity that comes following the darkness.  A calming state of peace and understanding.  The laying of an onion. Whew! Hard work! Exhausting work! 

simply sharing my personal process of grief as I experienced despair, grief, loss and /or whatever personal nouns, adjectives' you may use.

[crackerjack4u]

@ForgetMeNot150  It sounds like you and your kiddos got it all taken care of, and the mess the rain caused dried up so that's what's important.  Thankfully the sump pump here seemed to clear the water I had out pretty quickly and then a fan was used to help dry up the rest.  The issue with my basement is that it's not level everywhere and there are low spots on the opposite side of basement far away from the sump pump which causes water to get trapped there sometimes. That's when the shop vac has to be broken out and the water sucked up.  I have a friend who said he'd come over in the Spring and use a saw to cut me some lines in the floor where the low spots are which should help revert the water that tends to get trapped back over to the sump pump where it needs to go.  

A 3 week vacation sounds like that will be a welcome break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.  I hope you enjoy your break hun as they are few and far between.    

[KayC]

I was about to suggest the shop vac when I saw you used it!  And the idea about putting ridges in the floor to allow flow to the other end sounds like an idea!

@ForgetMeNot150  I hope things have calmed down there a bit and you can catch your breath.  Sounds like you had quite a time!

 

[ForgetMeNot150]

@KayC & @crackerjack4u

Everything has calmed down here a lot thanks! Luckily the water was just overflowing from the gutter and running across the soffits under the eaves and coming out where it met the house. I'm going to climb up and check it properly from inside the attic at the weekend when I have a bit more time, but it was just one of those freak things. I might see if I can angle the gutter a bit the other way too, so that if it does happen again, the overflow goes the other way and away from the house! But it's all good now and these things make life exciting.

My 14 yr old daughter is currently struggling a bit with some of her school friends. None of them are nasty, but can be a bit stupid sometimes and she is just over them. She has grown up so much over the past year and is so much more mature than most of her friends now. She was anyway before all this having been homeschooled for 6 years. she's had a few tears this week, but luckily she only has a week left to go this term and then has school holidays for 6 weeks over the summer, so will get a break. We have had long conversations about how she doesn't have to explain or justify her feelings and if she is feeling upset by someone, then she needs to tell them that. If they don't change their behaviour towards her, then she can back off and keep away from them. It sounds just like so many other posts on this forum!  But it has made the two of us much closer as a result, which is a positive. Craig would be proud of how I am handling it as we used to clash a lot when he was here, but I am trying to take a bit from how he would deal with it and it seems to be working!

I have had a strange few days this week. I'm not down, but just have little ripples of grief rather than waves which overwhelm me and make me cry at random times of the day. Our Christmas office party is next week and they were asking for numbers and partners that were attending. Craig went to the one last year, even though he was pretty sick. This year I am the only one who doesn't have a partner, but work are so lovely, they have made it an activity and invited kids too so I don't have to go alone! (Out of the 10 of us, there is only one other who has a young child, who is a toddler, as all the rest are older than me and have adult kids now, so I know they have done this for me which is lovely). 

Anyway, thanks again for the replies and I hope you are doing well too. This time of year is strange as there are so many reminders of happier times, which makes it extra tough.

Better get ready for work now and put my brave face on ready to get through the day....

[KayC]

5 hours ago, ForgetMeNot150 said:

We have had long conversations about how she doesn't have to explain or justify her feelings and if she is feeling upset by someone, then she needs to tell them that. If they don't change their behaviour towards her, then she can back off and keep away from them. It sounds just like so many other posts on this forum!

Setting  boundaries, such an important thing to learn to do.  It's good she has you and I'm glad it's brought you closer.

So proud of you for how you've handled the house situation!  You've got grit, gal!

[ModKatB]

7 minutes ago, KayC said:

 

So proud of you for how you've handled the house situation!  You've got grit, gal!

It is always a good feeling when you conquer something you didn't think you could do.

[crackerjack4u]

Forgetmenot150 it sounds like you've given your daughter some very good advice. 

8 hours ago, ForgetMeNot150 said:

I'm not down, but just have little ripples of grief rather than waves which overwhelm me and make me cry at random times of the day.

Being new to all this myself, I'm not the best person to be try to explain this but from what I've read in other posts this appears to be another symptom of the grief response that some people have.  I think at 1st most people have the full blown grief all the time, then that gets some less, and then they have waves of grief that hit with a short break in between the wave, and some days they do well and aren't being hit as hard, or not being hit at all, I can see the not being hit as hard as the ripples that you are explaining.  Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that the waves can't or won't start hitting again, or that the full blown full time grief won't hit again, so be prepared in case they do, but take advantage of the slight break that you're getting at the moment cause you never know what will happen next, or when.  

It sounds like you work for a wonderful company that has a lot of kind, caring, and compassionate people.       

[ModHerc]

On 12/4/2018 at 5:30 AM, ForgetMeNot150 said:

...One minute we had a beautiful warm evening and then we heard the rain coming and could see it moving like a wall of water towards the house! It was amazing and a proper monsoon kind of rain (unusual for here). It sounded like someone waterblasting the whole roof at the same time. I was just saying goodnight to my daughter and we looked up and noticed water cascading down the outside of the ranch slider door which is protected by a canopy and is also a metre inside the eaves of the house, so it wasn't good. The gutter had got blocked and the water had backed up and was coming inside the roof. It started dripping down the inside of the door too, so the girls were running around getting buckets and towels and mopping that up while I climbed onto the deck railing to unblock the downpipe in the gutter, whilst getting totally soaked! No time for YouTube videos this time though!  But we got it sorted and laughed about it. My youngest thought it was a great story to tell everyone at the bus stop the next morning!

@ForgetMeNot150,

When I said you had the strength to weather the storms I wasn't trying to be THAT literal about it!  I'm glad you got it sorted out though, and hope the measures you take to prevent future occurrences work well, although it sounds like it may just have been so much water the gutters just couldn't discharge it fast enough.  Those are wonderful life lessons you are sharing with your daughter.  I am glad it has given you something to bond over as well.  You can argue it if you want, but I said it before and I'll say it again, you truly are inspirational.  Hoping the storm didn't do damage to the garden, and wishing you continued moments of peace and comfort,

Herc

[ModHerc]

9 hours ago, crackerjack4u said:

Forgetmenot150 it sounds like you've given your daughter some very good advice. 

Being new to all this myself, I'm not the best person to be try to explain this but from what I've read in other posts this appears to be another symptom of the grief response that some people have.  I think at 1st most people have the full blown grief all the time, then that gets some less, and then they have waves of grief that hit with a short break in between the wave, and some days they do well and aren't being hit as hard, or not being hit at all, I can see the not being hit as hard as the ripples that you are explaining.  Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that the waves can't or won't start hitting again, or that the full blown full time grief won't hit again, so be prepared in case they do, but take advantage of the slight break that you're getting at the moment cause you never know what will happen next, or when.  

It sounds like you work for a wonderful company that has a lot of kind, caring, and compassionate people.       

@crackerjack4u,

Yep, you pretty much nailed my experience with the waves of grief and I think many others have similar situations.  At first those breaks between the "waves" were so short I almost didn't notice them, I was still dealing with the aftermath of the wave before and bracing for the one to come.  In time the periods of calm and ripples start getting longer and longer.  I think there will always be waves, usually triggered by something external, a song on the radio, seeing the perfect gift for them in a store, or flicking through channels and landing on their favorite movie for example.  There are a lot of triggers out there, and no way to avoid them all.    Also there are times where the waves just crash on you with no warning or cause, rhyme or reason.  I use the breaks to think, plan for the future, and take time to grieve and reflect.

[crackerjack4u]

10 hours ago, Herc said:

@crackerjack4u,

Yep, you pretty much nailed my experience with the waves of grief and I think many others have similar situations.  At first those breaks between the "waves" were so short I almost didn't notice them, I was still dealing with the aftermath of the wave before and bracing for the one to come.  In time the periods of calm and ripples start getting longer and longer.  I think there will always be waves, usually triggered by something external, a song on the radio, seeing the perfect gift for them in a store, or flicking through channels and landing on their favorite movie for example.  There are a lot of triggers out there, and no way to avoid them all.    Also there are times where the waves just crash on you with no warning or cause, rhyme or reason.  I use the breaks to think, plan for the future, and take time to grieve and reflect.

Yes, I've been amazed at the things that can trigger the waves, or as my case has been the majority of the time thus far-a meltdown. I'm certainly looking forward to the time when the calm, and ripples extend for  longer periods of time.     It sounds like using those breaks for those purposes that you are is a wonderful idea.      

[ForgetMeNot150]

On 12/6/2018 at 1:25 PM, KayC said:

So proud of you for how you've handled the house situation!  You've got grit, gal!

@KayC Thanks for saying that. When I read it, it reminded me of when I first met Craig. He told me he fell in love with me because I was "spunky" and confident.

Unfortunately over the years, I lost a lot of my self-confidence and struggled a lot. Firstly with post-natal depression and then homeschooling. Homeschooling was hard as I questioned myself continuously and was paranoid that I was going to mess up my kids as I had no benchmark for how they were doing. Now that they are at school, I can see that I did an awesome job and it has made us so much closer, but at the time I put so much pressure on myself and almost made myself sick. But Craig got me through it.

When I got my job nearly 2 & 1/2 years ago it was supposed to be for a fixed term of 4 months to help move information from one system to another. I completed that in 2 months and then took on extra stuff and made myself useful, so they created a job for me and kept me on.  That gave me so much confidence back which was just as well, as the month after they made me permanent, Craig got sick. It's strange the way life works out. I have needed all that confidence, spunk and grit to support Craig and hold everything together over the past couple of years which has been exhausting. But it has also made me incredibly strong and helped me to get back the woman that Craig fell in love with and make him proud of me. In my view, if I can come through this, then I can get through anything - bring it on!

@Herc The best analogy for what I am going through is weathering a storm, so it is quite apt that you bring that up and that I have had to physically weather one too!

When Craig first got sick, that is when the pressure dropped and we could sense the storm coming. The debris started flying around us when we got the diagnosis in June 2017. There was no cure or treatment, so the little hope that we clung to even to the end was that a miracle might happen, but it didn't. The night before Craig died, he was so peaceful lying there. He was relaxed and breathing normally and looked like he would wake up and hug me liked he used to. I knew he wouldn't, but I got an immense sense of peace watching him, which I hadn't had for a long time. I literally realised that night that I was in the eye of the storm and described it as that to a friend that I wrote to that night - that peaceful place of calm in the centre of everything before the other wall of circling debris hits. It gave me the clarity of mind and strength to let Craig go the next morning. I stayed in that eye for a week with a strange sense of relief that he was at peace and that we had managed to control the end and do it our way. But I knew the other side of the storm was circling and it hit me full force with waves of panic attacks and physical pain as the realisation of not having Craig beside me anymore hit me. 

But I know that the storm is dying now. The worst of it is behind me and I will get through it. Then it is just a case of picking up the mess, fixing the destruction and starting again, which all takes time. I will rebuild everything but it will never be the same.

@crackerjack4u Yesterday I was floating on a sea of calm and then a rogue wave came out of nowhere and knocked me out of my boat and into the sea! I was crossing a street at lunchtime and checked for traffic. Coming towards me was a truck identical to Craig's work truck. The only difference was the license plate. It could so easily have been him driving around picking up furniture for the business and it totally took my breath away. Not a full blown panic attack, but enough of a shock and a reminder of happier times to throw out the rest of my day and probably why I'm a bit melancholy today. Just something else to add to the exhaustion, which is never-ending.

 Thank you all for being here and letting me get this out - you are awesome! ♥ 

[KayC]

Well you have what I'm lacking, but we all have what we're good at and some things not so much.    Me, I'm not good at fixing things myself, absolutely zero mechanical skills or aptitude, but I have a great head for numbers, managing money, and making decisions, I was a great Bookkeeper and Office Manager for 45 years and still do my church's books (elected unpaid position).  But when it comes to fixing things around the house I have to hire it done!  I'd hire you! 

I understand about homeschooling, I totally believe what the kids get in public schools needs supplemented at home, at least!  I remember when my son was in first grade I was testing the kids in the class for their knowledge of money (I volunteered in their school for five years) and only three knew anything, my son, the state policeman's son, and a prominent businessman's son...the other kids didn't know a quarter from a penny let alone anything about budgeting, what to do with it.  My son went on to graduate valedictorian of his class, put himself through college summa cum laude, he was the commencement speaker, with three engineering degrees and no debt involvement!  The only debt he believes in incurring is a house.  How you raise your kids and the knowledge you impart to them makes such a difference!  It takes our involvement, our teaching and showing them how to live, along with giving them the wings to experience life for themselves, with faith in them.  It sounds like you are really on that path, that is terrific!  I'm sure they will bless you many years hence.