The silence is deafening!

[Vivace50494]

Tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since a Patrick died and I can’t believe the calendar because my heart tells me he’s been gone much,much longer.  I’m finding that the days -And especially the evenings stretch on and on.  I just sit in the apartment and stare at the walls, the tv, the ceiling.   I know I’m supposed to ty to keep busy or go to a movie or for a long walk or something but I just can’t seem to do it.  Recently I wrote that I had to go to his place of work and clean out his stuff.   I think I sat there and cried a good hour before I was able to pack a box.   Most of his coworkers steered clear of me and left me alone.   I’m sure some were trying to respect my privacy but it just made me feel worse.  You see Patrick and my world was very small - it was just the two of us.  We didn’t cultivate or keep close friends and after 25 years, it was just the two of us.   And now it’s just me.  I don’t even have many pictures of him - he hated having his photo taken.  So I’m alone with my pain and the silence is deafening!

[Shellyfc]

I am sorry that you have had this loss of your love. I lost my Bob 107 days ago. He had a massive heart attack and his soul went to the lord instantly.  I would like to tell you it gets better and I guess it does for an hour or so, but than the lump in my throat and pain in my heart is back. It can get so quiet now~so quiet my ears ring.  I do not get many people calling to check on me anymore either. It is hard to try to do something everyday other than go into work and not fall apart.   I just keep telling myself he would want me to go on and be happy and be independent.  I am relearning how to make my own friends again....

[Moment2moment]

I have coped somewhat by having a strategy to combat that silence in my home. The hardest part was coming home to no one to share my day with. What I did was key in on a few friends and trade off calling one for just a few minutes when I got home and chatting about my day and checking to see how they were doing. It really helped and got me through.

I also have dogs and as soon as I come in the door there is the routine of leashing them up and going out for a walk in my neighborhood. I often encounter other neighbors or dog friends along the route.

The TV comes on in the morning and evening with weather and news. I play music when I cook or do other stuff.

Sitting in silence and staring at the four walls is not an option for me. If I do that then I will allow grief to consume me and my partner of 28 years would not want that. Neither would Patrick.

She is free now of pain and horrible suffering. I feel her presence at times and I talk out loud to her at home and in the car.

It was just us too, but you have got to break out of that cocoon of "us" and find just one friend for yourself to help you do it.

Get out of the house and walk somewhere, invite a friend out for coffee, get a pet, find a job or some purpose in your daily life. 

Fight the silence and fill the void with new sounds of life. I firmly believe that if we don't handle grief then it will handle us. Doesn't mean that I don't have crushingly lonely days myself, because I do. This post just caught me on a strong day so I can offer encouragement today.

I have also had days when I have thought of checking out, what is my purpose, etc. Then I start calling on my angels to pull me out of this funky thinking and set my mind on hope and a future for this new version of me.

Someone here or somewhere described grief as a huge black hole that circles around them and threatens to engulf and consume them. I fight to avoid falling into that hole on a daily basis. Not always able to do so, but I am getting better at it.

Coming here and grief counseling helps most of the time but not always.  Keeping busy helps the most for me. Getting my mind focused on something besides obsessing on my loss. None of this is easy as we all know.

Fight the void. Fill it with lively noise of some kind. For me, my dogs have literally saved me from complete despair as has my job. Music and watching favorite movies has also helped me feel again and even feel joy again.

Fight and find what works for you. Things will get better with time, but there are active steps we can take to avoid that black hole somewhat.  It will engulf us, but hopefully not consume us.

Love and blessings to you to find comfort and strength where you can.

[ModHerc]

I know how lonely it feels at times Vivace.  I like many of Moment2moments solutions, but I also know how much easier it is to say it than to do it at times.  Movies and TV could trigger grief episodes for me early on, so I became careful about what I watched for a while.  I found that goofy sitcoms were usually the easiest to deal with for me.  White noise also helps me sometimes.  Just the sounds of the surf, or rain falling can help.  If you have an alexa or google assistant you can just ask them to play bird sounds for instance, my daughter introduced me to that and it helped.  None of it of course fills the void, but sometimes it eases it a bit.  And sometimes it doesn't, and that is ok too.  We are all going through a terrible time in our lives, it is completely normal to feel the pain and loss.  Wishing you the strength to work your way through the lonely feelings, and the calm to cope with the silence,

Herc

[ModHerc]

@Shellyfc,

I'm so sorry about your wonderful Bob.  I was an absolute wreck at 107 days.  I still am at times and in many ways, but it does evolve.  It is great that you are making new friends and looking at the idea of being happy and independent.  One small step at a time, you will get there.  I am so sorry you had reason to find your way to this forum, but I am glad you are here, there are people who understand and sympathize.  Wishing you more of those good hours, they do come in time,

Herc

[KayC]

@Vivace50494  I'd wondered...you got it done though.  I think every part of this is hard, especially in the early times, but you did it.  It's taken me years but I'm making friends, I now have people I can call and talk to, and that helps.  It takes getting out and meeting new people, which I've done through church, my grief support group, and the senior site.  The avenue by which you meet them doesn't matter, it's the doing it.  Eventually you find someone you can relate to.  George was my social director, you might say, in charge of the fun and activities, the one that made friends and brought me into it...but all of our friends disappeared when he died, even my friends from work.  I guess people get uncomfortable with death/loss.  

[ModKatB]

I was with my husband for almost 22 years and 12 years of that time was spent together both at work and at home. Then in the last 6 years we were together 24/7 and had only been apart for 2 nights before he got sick. My daughter and I were talking about the changes that I have had to make over the last months and she said something that described what I am having to do. She said, Mom you are having to learn how to be "Kathy". I now have to make all the decisions and everything is now done for one not two. Learning to be okay with being alone and not falling apart. On Dec 9th it will be 10 months ago that Billy died and I know that I still have a long road ahead of me but I also have found that it is getting a little bit easier to remember him and not fall apart. We all must find the things that work to keep us moving forward. Don't give up hope because things will change little by little. One day, one hour or one moment, you do whatever it takes to get thru.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[ModKatB]

12 hours ago, Vivace50494 said:

  So I’m alone with my pain and the silence is deafening!

I wanted to share something I wrote recently. I call it Silence and Tears.

 

Many times over the years I wondered what life would be like without you.

Now I know and it is only, silence and tears.

Single sets of dishes and only meals for one. No one to ask what's

for dinner tonight, just silence and tears.

Trips to the grocery store and the other things I must do.

Only to return to home to silence and tears.

I don't reach for you at night anymore as I sleep in my single bed.

No waiting for you to join me, only silence and tears.

I am having to learn to live without you.

No more hearing your voice, only silence and tears.

Wondering why I am here and you had to leave me alone.

Trying to figure out this life, of silence and tears.

No joy, no happiness, no desire to even take my next breath.

Nothing to stop the silence and tears.

I would gladly go thru the hard times so you could be by my side.

Anything at all to stop the silence and tears.

Maybe one day my life will be something I don't mind participating in

and not just, silence and tears. KB

[Sunshine247]

@Vivace50494 I find the silence very disturbing too. But Bob never talked much - we had a joke with all of our friends in Akumal - he was only allowed to speak 500 words a day  (I talk A LOT!) but when Bob did have something to say, it was good! Funny usually. Or interesting. I have been finding that being my own best friend is helping me - in that, I am trying to be the friend/partner that Bob was to me. When I pay a bill (which is a challenge for me for whatever reason - it causes anxiety) I tell myself - Good job Sunshine! Because that is what Bob would tell me. Try to imagine Patrick right there with you, right next to you - he IS there but you might not be feeling him sometimes. I have my favorite poem (that I quote on here constantly) and one line is - would not tears and grief be but a barrier? I have found that to be true - when I let the tears and grief overcome and overwhelm me, I don't feel close to Bob. When I focus instead of on our love, being with him, conjuring him up, imaging him with me - I feel so much closer to him and get a sense of peace and comfort and feel filled with love. Maybe it's all mind over matter - who knows, and who cares? As long as it works! Of course, it's important to let our grief out and to cry and break down and release those pent up emotions - grief is just love with nowhere to go. But trying to focus on the positives does help. I don't have any friends here either - and I am not really up to meeting people or trying to find them or going out to "meet ups" with strangers and playing Tape #1 all over again. That too will come in time. Is there a hobby or a sport or an interest that you enjoy? Maybe start there and see where it goes. After the holidays, I am going to start volunteering with an animal rescue organization nearby. I love animals (more than most people) and being with them has always brought me comfort and I have been involved in rescue and welfare in Mexico for the past 15 years so I figure I can put that experience to good use up here where conditions are MUCH better. Do you have a pet? That might be something to consider - they do provide a lot of comfort and companionship and unconditional love. I have two dogs and a cat and I honestly don't know what I would do right now without them. 

Continue to check in on here. We are all here, we are all going through this, not on the same paths or in the same ways, but we all share the pain. And we are here for you. 

Sending big hugs and love and as KatB says - hoping that we all can find some peace and comfort in something today. 

[Moment2moment]

"Grief is just love with nowhere to go" pretty much says it all.

[crackerjack4u]

@Vivace50494 I'm so sorry for your loss, and my heart truly breaks for you. You have come to a great site.   Yes, the silence is deafening.  It has been 38 days since my David passed away, and I said the exact same thing the other day about how long it feels like he has been gone already, it feels like an eternity. It was also just the 2 of us together 24/7 for the past 14 years.  Dave and I were both disabled, and he was going blind among other medical issues, and now, without him and with him gone,  it often feels like the walls are closing in on me.  I still talk to him all day long, tell him good morning, tell him goodnight, tell him how much I love and miss him, but saying being without him is hard is an understatement. (This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life).  I have found that using his pillow has brought me some comfort, not a lot, but some.    

Just know that there is no right or wrong way to make this journey, and just because people say you are suppose to do this or that, this is your journey, and only You can decide when the time is right to do anything, or go anywhere.  If you can't seem to do certain things right now then don't beat yourself up over it, just don't do them right now.  In time when you are ready you will hopefully start to do more things.  I do think that trying to slowly do things is good/healthier for you, and prevents you from getting more depressed and becoming trapped in your grief, but until you're ready don't let anyone try to tell you this is what you have to do.   

I actually went to Karaoke last Saturday with my friend who does the show,(Dave and I use to enjoy going to karaoke a lot, but we stopped going several years ago when he started losing his vision), and I told my friend that night how guilty I felt being there when he wasn't there with me. I was thankful that nobody sang one of "His" songs that he usually sang or I'd probably lost it.   When she asked me today if I wanted to go with her again tonight I said, No, I want to stay home.  I can't even bring myself, right now, to go eat at certain restaurants that we always went to  because I'm afraid I'll go in, and start crying.

We have to make this horrible journey, our way, and not the way that we think we're suppose to, or the way that others tell us we're suppose to. It's our journey, and it's our choice when, or if we do anything, or not.  Baby steps, one day at a time, or even just one minute at a time-if that's what it takes, is the only way for us to attempt to move forward. Hopefully in time we will be able to take larger steps and the pain won't be as bad, but for now, slow and steady.   Love and Hugs to you.