Reflections as I approach two years

[ModHerc]

Almost two years without her.  It is an eternity, and yet at times it seems like only moments have passed since I last heard her voice.  This coming month will be a difficult one for me, and I wanted to review and reflect upon what I have done that has helped me through this horrible process.  I wanted to put it out here as well hoping that some others might be able to find something useful for their journey as well.  Much of what I say will be familiar to everyone here, and a lot of it drawn from the wonderful support of this incredible community.  Most of it is probably covered in KayC's many outstanding links and her Tips to make your way through grief, but these are the ones that really stand out for me.

1.  Take it one day, one moment, one breath at a time. - It is ok for me to look further down the road on occasion, particularly when I have strong moments or days.  When it starts causing me anxiety, panic or discomfort though it is important to consciously stop and grapple with my grief in smaller, more manageable pieces.

2.  Practice self care, particularly in the small things. - My wife would want me to take care of myself, she would be here to do it for me if she could.  This applies to all aspects of my grief, but it was vital in the early days, and still necessary on occasions to look at the very basic elements.  Eat what I can, sleep when I can, exercise, and drink plenty of water.  Grief comes with physical ailments as well, unexplained pains, sleep deprivation, dehydration and more.  When I start feeling run down I still find it helpful to focus on the "little" things like that, and usually that puts me in better shape to deal with the big things, or at least I don't have to deal with them in addition to the basic problems.

3.  Help others when you can and accept help from others when you need it. - This forum is a great place for me to put this principle into practice.  It is hard for me at times to accept help.  Grief makes your mind do some strange things like thinking you aren't "worthy" of being helped.  Add to that my very independent nature and you have a formula for sitting alone in the dark crying with no one to turn to.  That is not good for anyone.  People who offer help often do so because they want and need to.  It is frequently part of their grieving and healing process.  Not accepting that help may actually be harmful to them.  If I don't know how they can help, I try to think of one small, but concrete thing they can do.  Picking up something from the store, helping me clean up a room, etc.  They are small things, but ones that have solid visible results.  It is also important here to emphasize the "when you can" of helping others.  I really do enjoy helping people, but I also need to recognize I have large burdens of my own and I don't need to put the weight of the world on my shoulders.

4.  Establish and stick to routines. - This puts order into my very chaotic life.  The first few months feeding and medicating my cats was one of the few things that kept me sane.  It got me out of bed every day at the same time which may be one of the reasons I rapidly moved through my problems with sleeping.  I have carried the utility of routines over to other aspects of my life.  Going to the grocery store every Thursday and Sunday keeps me from hermit-ting up in my room.  Getting a cup of coffee and finding at least one person to say good morning to when I arrive at work does much the same.  My favorite is waking up and as I get ready to take my shower saying "I love you Christine, and I know you love me".  It starts the day off positively (most of the time), and reminds me that though she is gone I can keep parts of her in my life.  We said it to one another almost every day we were together, I think that should continue.

5.  Allow time to grieve. - Sticking my head in the sand and ignoring my grief only lead me to massive problems.  There were times when I would just "muscle" through the emotions, but when I did it for too long it would inevitably lead to a melt down and a set back in my grieving process.  At first I made this a routine, one time a day where I would consciously think about my emotional state, my loss, and how I was coping with it.  Over time it has changed into doing it only when I need to.  After a little practice with it I found I could tell when I needed to simply sit down and think about things.

6.  Before making big changes make sure you have had time to properly think them through. - I know this seems to go against one day, one moment, one breath at a time, but it is important.  It evolved from someone telling me to avoid making any big changes in the first year.  That was great advice, as in that first year I would have made some horrible decisions.  In the end I took those strong days and moments where I could look beyond the "now" to plan out any big changes.  It has resulted in a new career path and purchasing a new home for me, both of which are wonderful.  If I had just jumped at the move in those early days though, I know I would have rushed it and probably ended up renting a terrible apartment in a much less desirable area.  I need to slow down and make sure what I am doing is good for me, not simply a reaction to my grief.

7.  Consciously make myself try new things. - This is the reverse of establish and stick to routines.  While routines bring order to the chaos, trying new things keeps me from becoming a robot simply chugging through the day to get to the end.  I started small, changing my routes to and from work.  I now have altered my yearly vacation to the beach, the house we normally got is simply too big without Christine.  Instead I am getting my passport and using the money to see some other parts of the world.  These new things give me hope that Christine is either sharing them vicariously through me, or that I will one day be able to tell her about them.

8.  When you aren't sure what to do, do what feels right for you. - My self confidence took a massive blow when I lost her.  I stopped trusting my instincts and started second guessing myself.  What I found over time was that my instincts were still good.  If I don't want to go out to dinner with friends, it probably means that I am not ready for that.  I learned to listen to myself again, and I think it kept me from pushing too hard and focusing on the wrong things.  Further this journey is hard enough, on occasion I should indulge myself even if it seems selfish to others.

9.  Separate guilt from regrets. -  Guilt is my least favorite part of this whole horrible process.  Guilt is close to useless and clouded my thoughts from all other aspects of my grief journey.  I have gotten better with identifying guilt and separating it from regrets.  Regrets are natural, nothing is ever perfect, and we all wish we could do or had done better at times.  Guilt is beating myself up over those regrets even though I can't affect or change them.

10. Be OK with not being OK. - Stolen directly from another recent thread here, but this is vital.  I am going through the most difficult experience I have ever endured.  If I don't get it perfect the first, fifth, or five thousandth time, that is understandable.  I will take my time, regroup and try again.  Anyone who doesn't understand it doesn't matter, and anyone who matters will understand.

Thanks for letting me share, and I hope someone finds this helpful,

Herc

[LeannC45]

22 minutes ago, Herc said:

Almost two years without her.  It is an eternity, and yet at times it seems like only moments have passed since I last heard her voice.  This coming month will be a difficult one for me, and I wanted to review and reflect upon what I have done that has helped me through this horrible process.  I wanted to put it out here as well hoping that some others might be able to find something useful for their journey as well.  Much of what I say will be familiar to everyone here, and a lot of it drawn from the wonderful support of this incredible community.  Most of it is probably covered in KayC's many outstanding links and her Tips to make your way through grief, but these are the ones that really stand out for me.

1.  Take it one day, one moment, one breath at a time. - It is ok for me to look further down the road on occasion, particularly when I have strong moments or days.  When it starts causing me anxiety, panic or discomfort though it is important to consciously stop and grapple with my grief in smaller, more manageable pieces.

2.  Practice self care, particularly in the small things. - My wife would want me to take care of myself, she would be here to do it for me if she could.  This applies to all aspects of my grief, but it was vital in the early days, and still necessary on occasions to look at the very basic elements.  Eat what I can, sleep when I can, exercise, and drink plenty of water.  Grief comes with physical ailments as well, unexplained pains, sleep deprivation, dehydration and more.  When I start feeling run down I still find it helpful to focus on the "little" things like that, and usually that puts me in better shape to deal with the big things, or at least I don't have to deal with them in addition to the basic problems.

3.  Help others when you can and accept help from others when you need it. - This forum is a great place for me to put this principle into practice.  It is hard for me at times to accept help.  Grief makes your mind do some strange things like thinking you aren't "worthy" of being helped.  Add to that my very independent nature and you have a formula for sitting alone in the dark crying with no one to turn to.  That is not good for anyone.  People who offer help often do so because they want and need to.  It is frequently part of their grieving and healing process.  Not accepting that help may actually be harmful to them.  If I don't know how they can help, I try to think of one small, but concrete thing they can do.  Picking up something from the store, helping me clean up a room, etc.  They are small things, but ones that have solid visible results.  It is also important here to emphasize the "when you can" of helping others.  I really do enjoy helping people, but I also need to recognize I have large burdens of my own and I don't need to put the weight of the world on my shoulders.

4.  Establish and stick to routines. - This puts order into my very chaotic life.  The first few months feeding and medicating my cats was one of the few things that kept me sane.  It got me out of bed every day at the same time which may be one of the reasons I rapidly moved through my problems with sleeping.  I have carried the utility of routines over to other aspects of my life.  Going to the grocery store every Thursday and Sunday keeps me from hermit-ting up in my room.  Getting a cup of coffee and finding at least one person to say good morning to when I arrive at work does much the same.  My favorite is waking up and as I get ready to take my shower saying "I love you Christine, and I know you love me".  It starts the day off positively (most of the time), and reminds me that though she is gone I can keep parts of her in my life.  We said it to one another almost every day we were together, I think that should continue.

5.  Allow time to grieve. - Sticking my head in the sand and ignoring my grief only lead me to massive problems.  There were times when I would just "muscle" through the emotions, but when I did it for too long it would inevitably lead to a melt down and a set back in my grieving process.  At first I made this a routine, one time a day where i would consciously think about my emotional state, my loss, and how I was coping with it.  Over time it has changed into doing it only when I need to.  After a little practice with it I found I could tell when I needed to simply sit down and think about things.

6.  Before making big changes make sure you have had time to properly think them through. - I know this seems to go against one day, one moment, one breath at a time, but it is important.  It evolved from someone telling me to avoid making any big changes in the first year.  That was great advice, as in that first year I would have made some horrible decisions.  In the end I took those strong days and moments where I could look beyond the "now" to plan out any big changes.  It has resulted in a new career path and purchasing a new home for me, both of which are wonderful.  If I had just jumped at the move in those early days though, I know I would have rushed it and probably ended up renting a terrible apartment in a much less desirable area.  I need to slow down and make sure what I am doing is good for me, not simply a reaction to my grief.

7.  Consciously make myself try new things. - This is the reverse of establish and stick to routines.  While routines bring order to the chaos, trying new things keeps me from becoming a robot simply chugging through the day to get to the end.  I started small, changing my routes to and from work.  I now have altered my yearly vacation to the beach, the house we normally got is simply too big without Christine.  Instead I am getting my passport and using the money to see some other parts of the world.  These new things give me hope that Christine is either sharing them vicariously through me, or that I will one day be able to tell her about them.

8.  When you aren't sure what to do, do what feels right for you. - My self confidence took a massive blow when I lost her.  I stopped trusting my instincts and started second guessing myself.  What I found over time was that my instincts were still good.  If I don't want to go out to dinner with friends, it probably means that I am not ready for that.  I learned to listen to myself again, and I think it kept me from pushing too hard and focusing on the wrong things.  Further this journey is hard enough, on occasion I should indulge myself even if it seems selfish to others.

9.  Separate guilt from regrets. -  Guilt is my least favorite part of this whole horrible process.  Guilt is close to useless and clouded my thoughts from all other aspects of my grief journey.  I have gotten better with identifying guilt and separating it from regrets.  Regrets are natural, nothing is ever perfect, and we all wish we could do or had done better at times.  Guilt is beating myself up over those regrets even though I can't affect or change them.

10. Be OK with not being OK. - Stolen directly from another recent thread here, but this is vital.  I am going through the most difficult experience I have ever endured.  If I don't get it perfect the first, fifth, or five thousandth time, that is understandable.  I will take my time, regroup and try again.  Anyone who doen't understand it doesn't matter, and anyone who matters will understand.

Thanks for letting me share, and I hope someone finds this helpful,

Herc

So good, I'm sure we can all relate to what you have shared. Thank you.

[HPB]

1 hour ago, Herc said:

Thanks for letting me share, and I hope someone finds this helpful,

Herc

Thank you very much. It's very valuable to see (and learn from) coping strategies from different people who have already left the shock and brain fog of the first months. Many people seem to stop posting in the forum after a year or two which makes it difficult for widows/widowers - being in the acute initial phase - to conceive the possible progress after this timeline.

[BetsyD]

Thank you so much for so eloquently expressed your reflections...I agree with so very much of what you said...and I truly thank you for this post .

[Shellyfc]

Thank you for the insight. It has been 107 days since I Lost my Bob from a massive heart attack. Right now it doesn’t feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It does not feel Like my ears will ever stop Ringing from the quiet

[KayC]

Thank you for sharing this, Herc, I've saved it and want to share it with my grief support group.

[ModHerc]

3 minutes ago, KayC said:

Thank you for sharing this, Herc, I've saved it and want to share it with my grief support group.

Please do KayC, and thank you so much for always being here!  You really are a tremendous support for this community and for me.

[Sunflower2]

On ‎11‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 4:15 PM, Herc said:

Thanks for letting me share, and I hope someone finds this helpful,

Herc

@Herc so much wisdom you have shared! I thank you!!!!!!!! You nailed it perfectly in this post with simplicity!

[DutchessWithaT]

Thank  you !  Yes 100% .

[crackerjack4u]

@Herc Thank you for sharing this. I've saved it and It will come in very handy.

[ModKatB]

@Herc Thank you for sharing. It always helps to be able to see that others have made it thru and to have them share the things that helped them make it. It gives one a reason to have hope and to feel like living is possible.

[ModHerc]

@KatB,

Thank you for reading and responding!  Your post sparked more reflection and one more to add to my list.

11.  Grief can be a part of you without controlling you. - At the start of my grief journey, it was what defined me.  As I learned to deal with the hardest of moments, I realized I could define my grief rather than the other way around.  Allowing grief to define me robbed me of the warmth of the wonderful memories I had of my wife.  While I will never be rid of the grief, I will not let it steal the love Christine and I shared.  As KayC says, I learned and am still learning how to coexist with my grief.

 

[ModHerc]

From a recent post talking to @Vivace50494, I thought of another I want to add another to the list.

12.  When truly lost, seek out an expert, then take and follow their advice.  -  No one knows everything.  When I don’t know enough about a subject, I find someone who knows about it and ask them to help.  If I have car problems I go to a mechanic, if I have health problems I go to a doctor.  Why then if I have grief problems wouldn’t I go to a grief counselor?  Asking for, and accepting help doesn’t make me weak in any way.  It gives me the strength of my entire community.

[KayC]

I added them to your list, I've saved it for using for my group.  It helps to see what other people have found that helps them!

[ModHerc]

I had a dream last night that really disturbed me, and I feel I need to talk about it.  I am a very deep sleeper and rarely have dreams that I remember, but this one has been gnawing at me all day, and is keeping me from sleep tonight.

The dream was about my wife’s condo.  I should probably give a quick background here as my wife and I had a very unusual living arrangement.  We met in the courtyard of the complex we both lived in.  Throughout dating, engagement, and marriage we kept both of the units.  They were too small for us to consolidate into one, and keeping both let us have essentially the space of a full house.

When my snoring got on her nerves, she could throw me out of not only the bedroom, but the whole apartment.   And I had a whole apartment as a man cave, which I highly recommend.  Like I said, it was unusual, but it worked for us.

When my wife passed, her condo went to my (step)daughter, along with everything else in the estate.  My daughter decided in August that she simply couldn’t live there any more, so she renovated it and is in the process of selling it.  She has since moved in with me at my new house, which is going very well.

Now onto the dream.  In the dream the condo sold.  The new owner had a housewarming party and invited me and my daughter.  We went, but the condo was completely changed.  There were walls in unfamiliar places, a porch and sunroom with a back entrance that couldn’t possibly exist, but it still felt like my wife’s condo.  I was on the back porch with the new owner.  She told me how glad she was to be in the condo and gave me a hug.  When she pulled away, she had turned into my wife.  My wife said “You don’t love me anymore”, which hurt and frightened me so much that it woke me immediately.

It is just a dream of course, but it has gotten inside my head.  I’m hoping that just laying it out and describing it will help make it fade.  Thanks for listening to/reading the rambling, and sorry it is so negative,

Herc

[crackerjack4u]

Dreams are funny things, but most of them come with some sort of meaning or message hidden within them. 

They say dreams originate from our subconscious mind, and it's possible that the condo having been renovated-(which was then represented by the additional walls,the sunroom, and patio in your dream),  and being up for sale now is causing you some anxiety that your weren't aware you were having?  Perhaps in your subconscious mind you are somewhat sad to see it go because it was a part of your wife, and you have memories of her life, and the 2 of you there?  Perhaps you may even feel a little guilty that it's even up for sale at all, and that it's not being kept like it was throughout your marriage? You could also be having unknown fears that since it is being sold that your wife will think both her space, and her are being replaced by a stranger-(represented by the stranger hugging you at the house warming party, and then turning into your wife), and perhaps you're also afraid that she might think you don't love her anymore because of it?

I think the dream was merely telling you that you have some hidden anxiety, sadness, fear, and possible guilt, associated with the renovation and sell of her condo?

I took a dream interpretation class in college that was really interesting, and that's just my interpretation of the meaning of the dream you had, but, of course, I'm not an expert on analyzing them by any means.  

Anyway, I hope you are able to get some good sleep tonight, and that the dream doesn't reoccur again.  Peace to you dear friend.

[ModHerc]

@crackerjack4u,

Almost certainly right on all fronts.  All I got to in college on that front was psych 101, which oh so briefly touched on dreams.  I did a bit of personal research on it 15-20 years ago as well, but have forgotten almost as much as I learned in the meantime.

There is probably a touch of anger in there somewhere too.  I specifically told my daughter that if she didn’t want to live there I would buy it.  Then as soon as I signed papers on a new home, she decided to sell.  In the end it is absolutely the best thing possible, the neighborhood has really taken a hard slide, and property values/quality of life for residents there are sliding right along with it.  I am much better off in my new home, along with space for my daughter to stay as well.  Logically this is the best possible outcome, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it has irked me at times.  I am not sure how that may have been reflected in the dream, but it was probably among the underlying emotions that sparked it.

My wife was horribly proud of her condo.  Truth be told I had tried to convince her to move several times as far as 5 years prior to her passing and she would have none of it.  I’m sure that feeds into the guilt as well.

Thanks for being amateur psychologist for me.  It helped a lot, and you are very good at it.  I know I still love her, that was never in doubt, but the image was the clearest of her I have had in a long time, so it is still sticking with me a bit.

As I still can’t sleep, I’m doing something no psychologist or expert would recommend, and something I wouldn’t recommend for others, I’m just gonna drink until I pass out.  I don’t do that often these days, and I will surely regret it tomorrow as my cousin is coming to visit, but I think it’s about the only way I’ll get a wink tonight.  I promise I’ll practice self care (particularly the drinking of lots of water) tomorrow!

[crackerjack4u]

12 minutes ago, Herc said:

 I am not sure how that may have been reflected in the dream, but it was probably among the underlying emotions that sparked it.

Perhaps the walls in unfamiliar places was representing the anger portion of it?  

I inherited a beautiful 3 bedroom cabin from my parents when they passed, and that cabin was my mom's pride and joy.  Actually 2 months before she passed she was up on a ladder painting it at 72 years old. (She was always doing something like that either here at home or there, that was just how mom was). Dave and I kept it for many years paying the insurance, taxes, maintenance, and hiring someone to keep the grass mowed up there for us.  Due to our health issues we managed to go up exactly 2 x's per year for 1 day only each, once to open it in the Spring, and once to Winterize it late Fall (both of which were a huge chore for us to even be able to do), and that was it.  

3 years ago Dave talked me into selling it because it was just sitting up there doing nothing, but costing us money, and we were getting no enjoyment out of it. I literally cried as I was signing the papers to sell it because I knew how much it meant to mom, how much time and effort and sweat she had put in to it, and knew how much my mom meant to me, but I also knew that selling it was the best thing for Dave and I due to our health issues. So I can understand why you feel the way you do about the condo, and the emotions that most likely triggered that dream.  It sounds like the house is nice investment though that I'm sure you'll make many more memories in.  

I took part of the money made off  from the cabin, and bought Dave and I a RV so we could maybe go somewhere,(he loved to go camping, fishing, etc.,  but we hadn't been for years), but I got the RV because it had a bed in it and knew we could stop and lay down whenever we needed to due to our physical issues, needless to say, the RV has never left the drive-way, nor has the bed in it ever been slept in. We'd open it up in the Spring, and Winterize it late Fall just like the cabin, so I'm not sure what I'll end up doing with it yet.

41 minutes ago, Herc said:

the image was the clearest of her I have had in a long time, so it is still sticking with me a bit.

It was probably nice to see her lovely face, if the dream hadn't taken the turn that it did.  

Unfortunately, my medicines keep me from remembering my dreams which I really hate, especially now since Dave has passed.  As a child, teen, and up until I was around 38 yrs old and started all these meds,  I had very vivid dreams, as well, as frequent premonitions, and visitations. Occasionally though when I take a new med, or something like that I'll get lucky, and can remember, but those are few and far between.  

43 minutes ago, Herc said:

As I still can’t sleep, I’m doing something no psychologist or expert would recommend, and something I wouldn’t recommend for others, I’m just gonna drink until I pass out.

Bless your heart, I hope you eventually get you so good rest regardless of what you need to do in order to get it.  Rest well Herc.          

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Herc said:

In the dream the condo sold.  The new owner had a housewarming party and invited me and my daughter.  We went, but the condo was completely changed.

I'm sure your dream is reflective of your concerns...not of walls changing, of course, but just of changes in general...it can make us feel our spouse is being erased, it's hard going through those changes and yet it seems to be a part of our grief journey that most of us incur on come level or another.  My husband's toiletries are no longer here, our habits and daily patterns replaced by one person solo (me) living their life out here.  Things he's bought me have worn out and been replaced.  The animals we had are gone and now new ones are here.  But each change causes within us a pain, an adjustment.  Know that whatever changes are made, they do not and never could erase your wife or diminish her in any aspect to you.  Whether we sell their car or in your case, her condo changes hands, the people they are/were is so integral a part of us, they remain with us forever in our hearts and memories.

I'm sure the dream was very unsettling...I had a dream a couple of nights ago...woke up from it at 3 am and there was no going back to sleep from it. 

[ForgetMeNot150]

@Herc

Letting go of her condo where you would have had so many memories would be incredibly hard, so it is not surprising at all that it is affecting your dreams. Even when you're prepared for it, grief seems to find new ways to manifest itself and catch you unawares.

I hope you're ok today, managed to get some sleep and aren't suffering too much from the drinking. 

Take care of yourself and sending you a hug along with a friendly reminder about drinking lots of water.  

[ModHerc]

@ForgetMeNot150,

I finally managed to get to sleep around 4:00, and didn’t go too overboard on the drinking.  Minor headache when I woke up about 4 hours later, but a Gatorade fixed it quickly.  I had a nice visit with my cousin too, so that was good.  I’m feeling much better about the whole situation now and think I’ll sleep like a log tonight.

@KayC,

Yep, I think the condo got to me so fiercely because it was one thing I felt I could control.  With my daughter getting almost everything from the estate (which was my wife’s wish, and a good idea overall), I’ve been a little light on physical tokens of rememberance.  I have a few small things, and I could have had my pick of others as well, my daughter definitely didn’t hoard things or keep them from me in anyway.

The condo, and the thought of being able to buy it if my daughter no longer wanted it was just the one big thing I thought I could effect.  After the first year though, it seemed my daughter was comfortable there and wouldn’t be selling, so I moved on the new house I am in now.  To have her turn around and decide to sell it two months after I closed just kind of pulled the rug out from under me.

Still it really is for the best.  Neither of us would benefit from living in the old neighborhood, it is getting really bad there, crime, drugs, gangs, you name it.  If we can both get out of there, and she can make a little profit on selling it before the property values drop even further I’ll take it, at least consciously.  It seems my subconscious may still need to get on board with the plan.

[KayC]

That's rough.  I'm sure it hit you like a ton of bricks even if it did make sense logically.

[ModHerc]

So two years and 24 hours.  I had a good day, filled with tears, and shared loss and love.  While standing at the grave remembering and reuniting with family and friends who shared my love and loss I realized again how lucky I was to have been a part of her life.

I don’t think I will ever again be as happy as I was when I was with her.  I also don’t think my life would ever have been as full and meaningful as it is if I hadn’t loved her.  My job now is to enjoy what I can, and to carry the joy that she brought to the world forward in whatever way I can.

I don’t know if I will ever get to see her again.  I don’t know if my memories of her will give echo to the beauty of the life she lived.  What I do know is that if she were here she would tell you all that she loves you and cares for you through your loss.  Wishing you all the merriest Christmas you can find in this hardest of times,

Herc

[crackerjack4u]

3 hours ago, Herc said:

So two years and 24 hours.  I had a good day, filled with tears, and shared loss and love.  While standing at the grave remembering and reuniting with family and friends who shared my love and loss I realized again how lucky I was to have been a part of her life.

I don’t think I will ever again be as happy as I was when I was with her.  I also don’t think my life would ever have been as full and meaningful as it is if I hadn’t loved her.  My job now is to enjoy what I can, and to carry the joy that she brought to the world forward in whatever way I can.

I don’t know if I will ever get to see her again.  I don’t know if my memories of her will give echo to the beauty of the life she lived.  What I do know is that if she were here she would tell you all that she loves you and cares for you through your loss.  Wishing you all the merriest Christmas you can find in this hardest of times,

Herc

@Herc What a beautiful tribute to your wife's memory on such a difficult Christmas Day.  I can tell just by your words that she was a wonderful person who had a very kind and beautiful soul.  It is so apparent that the love you two shared together was that once in a lifetime kind of love that most people only dream of finding, yet you both where lucky enough to have found it in each other. I feel nearly certain that you will most likely see her again, and my guess would be that she'll be standing there smiling, with her arms stretched wide in anticipation of your long awaited embrace. 

Christmas has now ended, and the New Year is now on it's way.  May you find peace, strength, and comfort, my friend, to help you make through another day. 

[KayC]

Herc, and I wish we could know her.  I wish we could know all of each other's partners.  

New Year's doesn't have a whole lot of meaning to me but that first NY after George died was hard because it was the first year I'd enter in which he wasn't in it.  I read someone else wrote the same sentiment, it's hard.  After that they're all one and the same, it just means to me that taxes is around the corner, ugh.

You were talking elsewhere about recalling her image, now it's like I remember bits and pieces of him, his nose, his eyes, or pictures of him, but then it's been 13 1/2 years...I know he'd look older now, it wouldn't matter to me, so do I, we loved each other, not just what we looked like.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

we loved each other, not just what we looked like.

I've thought about this too.  When I look at pictures of us over 35 years, the changes are obvious.  But when I looked at him, all I saw was him.  I always noticed my own changes, from gray hair to little wrinkles to not being slim and, um, perky when gravity, illness, and menopause took over.  I often wondered why he still found me attractive, but he did.  I think when we see our greatest love that is all we really see, the love that lasts, grows stronger, through time and regardless of physical changes.

[KayC]

George had a habit of stroking the veins in my hands, which I was self-conscious about, but it always seemed so endearing when he did that.  He WANTED to grow old together and I know it wouldn't have diminished his love for me in the least, if anything, increased it.  Sigh...

[ModKatB]

I think that when you have a honest and true love it is seen by your heart not your eyes. 

[tlc]

 

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

  I think when we see our greatest love that is all we really see, the love that lasts, grows stronger, through time and regardless of physical changes.

I totally agree. All I saw was the person that I adored.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, KatB said:

I think that when you have a honest and true love it is seen by your heart not your eyes. 

So true, it's like George always looked at me through rose colored glasses.  We looked at each other through love lenses.  

[tlc]

Oh, Kayc, you have expressed it exactly! So wonderfully put and so true!