Members BetsyD Posted November 26, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 26, 2018 Hello to all and sorry about my absence. To each of you, especially those for whom, like me, this is the first set of holidays without our beloved partners, I send my love and support. Not only is this the first time in 40 years I have had a Thanksgiving or Christmas without my beloved Tom, I have now also moved 1700+ miles into a rental home with a small yard (my poor pups) so I can, thankfully, be close to my daughters, son-in-law and 8 month old grandson. Thanksgiving was extremely difficult. This was always Tom's day to shine in the kitchen - he did most of the cooking- and the way we handled it was with tears and with an attempt to "do him proud" with trying to mimic his stuffing...we decided to keep most of the old traditions, but also start some new ones - kind of a transitional approach. I broke down when Santa arrived at the end of the Macy's parade - a long-standing tradition was to welcome "Christmas" officially once that event took place. On top of it all, my son-in-law's father was there and it drove home how the baby has only one grandfather. By Friday I hugged my inlaw and thanked him for loving the baby so very much. And the baby loves him. I can't begrudge either of them that relationship as hard as it is for me. I am struggling with how much to decorate for Christmas. My instinct is to bury my head under a pillow and ignore it all. My plan is to decorate and celebrate because that is what the right thing is to do. No, I won't go crazy the way he and I did together- but I will put up a smaller tree and cry when I put up his favorite ornaments. I will pull out the Christmas plates and cry when I set the table. And on Christmas Eve, when, more than likely, I will be alone, I will, more than likely, consume an entire bottle of wine...especially since the baby's other grandmother will be here with her husband. She keeps telling me how lucky I am to be living so close to them. Both my daughter and I agree that I could live 10,000 miles away if it meant having Tom back. Dumbass insensitive woman. But she is insensitive about everything, why not this. In any event...I digress. Today is 7 months since I last saw my beloved Tom and it is as if he was never with me. I still struggle to picture him, despite all the photos and videos. But the good news is that I have finally started to dream about him a little bit, and the dreams are no longer always about his death, but about adventures with him as if he were still here. Maybe my awake brain will catch up. I hope so. But it is all still raw. I am still angry. And I suspect after 40 years together it will take a lot longer than 7 months. But for now, I have decent days and horrid days, decent moments and horrid ones. I am allowing myself to laugh and not feel guilty about it. I am allowing myself to cry and not feel guilty about that either. And that is how, I suspect, we will all survive. I will "talk" to you all sooner now that I am settling in better. I miss you all and I send you all my love and blessings. Betsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jamiei Posted November 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 27, 2018 Hi Betsy... yes first holidays without our partners are so painful! I’m glad you were with your daughter and grandchild! I was with my kids but we decided not to do the whole thanksgiving dinner, we thought it just didn’t feel right! We did a big breakfast instead and then spent a weekend in Nashville together! So made it through I guess! I think your very brave to make your move across country! There is nothing here for me anymore but the thought of packing up overwhelms me. I’m sure it was very difficult for you but in the long run you’ll be with your daughter and grandchild. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 27, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted November 27, 2018 18 hours ago, BetsyD said: She keeps telling me how lucky I am to be living so close to them. I would have retorted how lucky she was to still have her husband! I agree how insensitive this feels, I'm so sorry. You are a brave woman to make that move, maybe I should have when my grandkids were born but this is the place I've lived over 41 years, where my church and friends are, I can't imagine starting over in a city, and I love the beloved nature and animals here. A part of me wouldn't know where to start cleaning out and selling this place. So you are brave by my way of looking at it, even if you feel anything but. I am glad you are allowing yourself guilt free feelings, all of them. I'm also glad you've come back and let us know how you are doing. Sometimes people disappear from here and I wonder how they are... There is a section here on holidays, it can be a challenging time to get through. It might be good to check out that section as well as these articles (don't miss the links shared at the bottom of the articles): http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/coping-with-holidays-suggested.htmlhttp://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/&http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/getting-through-the-holidays-when-you-are-newly-bereaved_us_582c7767e4b0466f4579334f? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunshine247 Posted November 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 27, 2018 Thanksgiving was very hard for me too, mostly because of my mother and sisters, who couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and call me to see how I was doing. I have found that instead of focusing on this being the first holiday without Bob, to remember how many happy holidays we had together helps. I'm a big believer in denial and delusion or whatever helps us to get through the pain so sitting and reliving happy memories and disconnecting from reality for a while has been helpful for me. Wine helps too A very dear, close friend of mine sent me a message the other day after I had posted a video about grieving on Facebook. She told me that 99% of the time when people say things to us, they have good intentions but don't know what to say, and most of what they say is to make themselves feel better. I will scream if I hear one more person say "I can't imagine." No, you cannot and if you can, then you KNOW how hard this is and it's not imagining. I have a mantra (I have about ten of them) - consider the source and rise above it. You are very brave to have moved so far so soon after your husband's passing. I have thought about moving but the thought of packing, clearing out a storage unit, the whole process just overwhelms me and causes stress and anxiety that I don't need. I am fine where I am for now and I am happy here. Bob and I spent the last year here together so it gives me comfort to be here where he was last. Don't feel guilty about being happy or finding joy in something or enjoying little or big things in life. Hug your grandchild and let his other grandfather love him twice as much. I grew up with only one grandfather and one grandmother (my dad's dad and my mom's mom) - when I was very young, I thought it would be neat if they got married - and I never missed out on only having one. As far as decorations - I used to go so all out for Christmas when we lived in San Francisco. We had a Christmas tree in EVERY room, each with a different theme. Villages underneath. A Santa collection on the mantle. All of our Christmas decorations are packed away in our storage unit, so when we started spending Christmas here in 2016, I just got new decorations and a small tabletop tree. I will see how I am feeling - it I feel like putting up a tree, I will - if I don't, I won't. Same for stockings or any other decorations. My sister in law has hung a stocking for me at her house, which is just four doors up the street - so that was nice and took away some of the sadness that I would feel hanging them here. Last year we had six stockings hanging here - two for us, three for our dogs, two for our cats. This year, there will only be three - half of my family has gone up since June - one of my dogs, Bob and then our oldest cat followed him two days later - she was his cat and needed to be with him. Just take it a day at a time - that is all that any of us can do, no matter how long ago or recently our loved one has passed. Sometimes it is just hour to hour. Let love fill you up when you are just overwhelmed with grief - grief is just love with nowhere to go. And focus on YOU - avoid toxic people. Doing a gratitude practice has been helping me. I am joining a grief counseling group for the first time on Thursday so I will see how that goes. That will be 8 weeks since Bob went up. Sending big hugs and lots of love to all of you out there. We will make it through this. The worst day of our life is passed, and we made it through that. Let your loved one's love fill you with strength and carry you along when you feel weak. Those are their footprints in the sand with God's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted November 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2018 On 11/26/2018 at 4:51 PM, BetsyD said: Hello to all and sorry about my absence. To each of you, especially those for whom, like me, this is the first set of holidays without our beloved partners, I send my love and support. Not only is this the first time in 40 years I have had a Thanksgiving or Christmas without my beloved Tom, I have now also moved 1700+ miles into a rental home with a small yard (my poor pups) so I can, thankfully, be close to my daughters, son-in-law and 8 month old grandson. I understand the issues that come with moving away from the home you had together. I moved from Florida to Georgia just one month after my husband passed away and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. We were married for just over 21 years and it is amazing at how much stuff you can end up with. The holidays are not something I am looking forward to but I will make it thru just like we all will, one hour, one minute or one moment. Hugs and love to all during this holiday season. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted November 28, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted November 28, 2018 @BetsyD, First I am so sorry for your loss. Tom sounds like a wonderful man, and I respect any man who knows his way around a kitchen, even if only once in a while like I used to get away with. Your courage to move forward through your grief is impressive, as is your courage to move so far from the familiar both in mileage and your routines. Your grandsons “other” grandparents sound truly horrible. I generally try to find the good, or at least an alternative positive angle, but there is very little to work with from your description. I guess I will simply say that I hope karma treats them exactly as well as they deserve and move on. I’m on my second set of holidays now, and they still loom in front of me promising those moments of pain, loss, and anguish. I am now able to see pictures of her and remember the positive though. Not every mention of her brings total loss, there is now a blend of remembering the fantastic times we shared. It came to me slowly, through many days of misery. Time doesn’t heal this, but it does allow us to pan through the dirt of our pain to find the gold of our memories. Wishing you more laughing and even crying, as opposed to anger and guilt, but respecting and caring for you through all of them, Herc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BetsyD Posted November 28, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2018 2 hours ago, Herc said: Your grandsons “other” grandparents sound truly horrible. I have to correct this. His other grandparents are divorced and I saw just his other grandfather at Thanksgiving and he was wonderful. Very loving, very understanding of how hard it all is for me, and my grandson loves him. I cannot begrudge that because my Tom is gone. And he was so kind to me and my daughters that I was very grateful for his presence. The baby’s other grandmother and her relatively new husband are coming for Christmas and that is the visit I am dreading. She wants the baby to consider her husband as a grandfather and that will not happen...even her own son, my son-in-law, said no way. So I just wanted to set the record straight. Thank you so much for your kind words and your support...I suspect time will ease the pain and as I told my children, the grief will never go away, just maybe get softer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted November 28, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted November 28, 2018 My apologies, I misread “it drove home how the baby has only one grandfather”. I thought he had actual said something along those lines, which would have been awful. I’m glad they have a positive relationship, and that though painful you can see the good in it. Wishing you the strength to make it through Christmas as well as possible, Herc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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