Black Friday ... They’re all Black

[Vivace50494]

The day after thanksgiving was really rough.  Maybe because everyone only had time for rushing around jumping head first in to the Christmas holiday and just the thought of the next month fills me with pain and dread.  Patrick, my partner, and I used to love this time of year and made the most of decorating our home, shopping, and cooking/baking together.  I don’t want to miss it all but I don’t want to feel the panicky and lonely emotions either.  I keep thinking of the rest of my life stretching out before me and I just can’t handle it   I start sobbing uncontrollably.  He was my best friend my constant support.  No one else knows me like he did.  It’s only been two weeks and I’m already getting frustration from others obviously tired of my crying.   I’m starting to have feelings of helplessness and the wish I could just die so I can be with him.  I’m not suicidal just so afraid.  It’s the evening as I write this and this is my worst time of the day.  When it gets dark and cold and I’m reminded everywhere I turn that he’s not here.  I haven’t slept in the bed since he died.  I just sit on the couch until I doze off for a bit.   I’m freaking the dogs with my crying and am worried about their welfare.  I’m just a huge mess and no one seems to understand what I’m going through.

the insurance meeting was just to sign some more documents.  The premium check could be delayed, though, and I’m about out of money which adds to my stress.  I’m going to need to find a job, too.  I’m afraid

i still can’t seem to post replies to those of you who have been so kind to send me words of support.  I’m so stupid!  What am I doing wrong?

[Stonesie]

You are doing nothing wrong!  You are grieving!  There is no set way to do that.  The way you describe is pretty much exactly how I was.

Keep talking about it, keep looking for help.  And take each day one at a time.

 

[KayC]

@Vivace50494  You can type @ followed by their name and when you see their name appear next to their avitar, click on that, they will get a notification of your response.  OR you can highlight something they've written and when "quote" appears, click on that.

Funny, I thought I was the only one who couldn't sleep in the bed.  I did one hour with my daughter the night he died, that's all I could sleep.  I've taken to sleeping in our loveseat recliner, which was the place we always cuddled.  Funny I can there but not in our bed, but our grief needn't make any sense, we go with what is comforting, avoid what isn't.

I hope your check comes sooner than later.  And a job might not be a bad thing if you can muster it, my workplace was very supportive, they all knew him, but I lost my job soon after and the new place I worked was awful.  A doofus for a boss and young people all self-absorbed.  I appreciate my retirement, I do volunteer work.  I hope you find something that is right for you.

Keep coming here and pouring your heart out, we do get it.  Everything you said, well it takes me back to the time...I remember it all.

[Vivace50494]

KayC:  did I do this correctly ?  Are you actually reading a response to your response?  Progress - even if it’s not the kind I really need right now.  I have just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your kind words of support and encouragement.  I’m having another tough day (they’re all tough). I start out each morning with a glimmer of hope that today will be barely tolerable and then within minutes my breath catches in my throat, I try to stifle a sob, and then I remember that Patrick is gone and I will never see him again.  And then I kind of fall apart.  All alone.  Without help or support.  How is this ever going to get easier?  I have to pack up his place of work this week.  That’s not going to be easy either

[Moment2moment]

Just type in the box that says "reply to this topic".

I was in shock the first month my partner died, even though I knew it was coming.

I got busy. Busy looking for a job as there was no insurance and it was just both of our social security. Hers did not arrive for the last month she lived and I could not get it as we were not legally married after 28 years together.  I had to sell stuff to pay the rent in June and got a job later that month. That got me busy fast which was good as I was able to cope and process better.

I got busy cleaning the house and just doing anything to occupy my mind. I went for long walks,  groomed dogs, talked to friends on the phone, took long rides, cooked, re-arranged furniture, and eventually got a job with wonderful supportive people.

Then I got on with a grief counselor that I still see when I feel the need to talk. I have a lot of hobbies and interests so that helped me find things to do while processing my feelings.

After 3 months the panic attacks and fear of panic attacks stopped, which was a relief. I would check my blood pressure daily and eventually I quit obcessing over that. I started having energy and felt physically stronger.

One of our dogs got really sick so my attention became focused on her care.

One cannot constantly focus on the loss to the point that it is all one does.

Distraction and focus and one day at a time is best, or at least it has helped me as ways of coping.

Depression and sadness come on out of no where now but so do good memories and laughter. It is all part of this roller coaster called grief.

Dont know if you are a pet lover but my dogs have given me much comfort. Joy, laughs, purpose, structure in my day, unconditional affection, exercise, and connectedness to other dog owners.

It is also wonderful to come home to them instead of an empty house. Could not survive without their presence in my life.

You will find your own way to get through this. Lots of tips here to help.

It will never go away, this loss, but he is with you and I believe you will be together again. He would want you to find peace and be happy as he is.

Stay strong, Vivace! You are loved.

[ModHerc]

@Vivace50494,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Two weeks is such a short time, I know I was still in shock at that point.  This forum is a place where people will understand, or at least truly empathize with what you are dealing with.  It is still a huge help to me, but was vital for me getting through those early days.  Though I am sorry you had to find your way to join us, I am glad you found your way here so quickly.

The holidays fill me with dread as well.  Old traditions are lost or changed, and there are new traditions that I want no part of.  I want to be riding to my mothers house for Thanksgiving with my wife in the car, talking about what we are going to get our families for Christmas and planning next years trip to the beach.  Instead I find myself staring at a gravestone and wondering when my name will join hers so we can be together again as we were meant to be.  This Christmas eve will be two years to the day for me, and the days are hard and stretch longer than it seems they should.

I've found what helps me the most is to stop thinking that far into the future.  I try to embrace the moments I have, and while many of those moments can be difficult, I know the pain is simply a reflection of the love we had and indeed still have.  Riding in the car to Mom's alone this year held many tears, as it did the year before, and as I am sure next year will.  But those tears are because of the wonderful life I shared with my soulmate, and the beautiful memories we made.  By focusing on that I can take away some of the dread and panic I feel when I think about the bigger picture, Christmas coming up and the many years beyond that are just too much for me to deal with sometimes.  When it gets bad, I always remind myself to take it one moment, one second, one breath at a time, and that seems to help.

Work was a blessing for me.  It let me do something productive that diverted my attention from my loss to a small degree.  It gave me moments of sanity, and a set routine that helped put some stability into a chaotic time in the early days, and as I have moved forward it has given me a small sense of purpose when many things seem so meaningless to me.  I know the prospect of going out into the world on a daily basis and interacting with people seems daunting, but it may work out well for you, just take it one step at a time and see what happens.

I hope everything works out well and quickly with the insurance.  I know how frustrating the financial concerns can be at a time when simply seeing your loved ones hairbrush can set you into a crying fit.  It is unfair that we have to deal with such things when we are at our most emotionally vulnerable, but you will get through it.  Don't worry about what other people think, or whether they understand you.  If they do understand, they have probably been through something similar, and if they don't they are fortunate they have never had to feel what we do.  Hoping you find some peace and comfort here, even if only for a moment,

Herc

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Vivace50494 said:

KayC:  did I do this correctly ?  Are you actually reading a response to your response?  Progress - even if it’s not the kind I really need right now.  I have just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your kind words of support and encouragement.  I’m having another tough day (they’re all tough). I start out each morning with a glimmer of hope that today will be barely tolerable and then within minutes my breath catches in my throat, I try to stifle a sob, and then I remember that Patrick is gone and I will never see him again.  And then I kind of fall apart.  All alone.  Without help or support.  How is this ever going to get easier?  I have to pack up his place of work this week.  That’s not going to be easy either

Yes, you've typed a response.  Now if you want the other person to get a notification of your response, you can type the @ before their name and THEN when their avitar and name appear you click on that.  Space and then type what you want to them.

Or you can hit "quote" and following that type.  Or you can select a portion of what they wrote and then click on quote when it appears nearby.  You're doing fine!

How does it get easier?  With practice.  A person that used to be here, Darrel, always said, "One foot in front of the other."  Yep, that's pretty much it.  One day at a time...less if that's all you can handle.  Our grief journey does evolve in time, it doesn't stay at this level of intensity.  Remember the tips I gave you in your first thread?  Print it out, you'll see that I wrote that, it evolves, it doesn't stay the same, take that as a promise you can count on.  ALWAYS you will miss him!  Always you will love him!  You will continue to remember him but eventually it won't carry this pain so much as comfort in your love and shared memories.  The loving faith George had in me, that helps me even now, over 13 years later.  Our love continues, even death cannot separate us!  He can't hold me like he used to with his arms about me, but he still loves me and that has to do until we can be together again.

[Michelene]

On 11/25/2018 at 5:29 AM, Vivace50494 said:

KayC:  did I do this correctly ?  Are you actually reading a response to your response?  Progress - even if it’s not the kind I really need right now.  I have just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your kind words of support and encouragement.  I’m having another tough day (they’re all tough). I start out each morning with a glimmer of hope that today will be barely tolerable and then within minutes my breath catches in my throat, I try to stifle a sob, and then I remember that Patrick is gone and I will never see him again.  And then I kind of fall apart.  All alone.  Without help or support.  How is this ever going to get easier?  I have to pack up his place of work this week.  That’s not going to be easy either

I had to pack up my husband's work area as well--fortunately we work in the same building so I could do it after hours without running into too many people...can you find a grief group near you?  I ended up at some hospice place that had a free group for people that had lost partners. I had to get out of my own head, and it was such a relief to be with people who understood the kind of loss ...thank god for them or I don't know what I would have done. I also didn't look up alot, didn't look people in the eye, didn't want to see reality reflected in their eyes, it was also a way of not looking too far into the future. 

 

[KayC]

My son drove the 150 mile round trip to George's workplace to get his belongings.  He had about $2500.00 worth of tools there, plus tool cart/chest.  He got there and they gave him a shoebox with a couple of broken pencils in it, seriously.  When I called them they said they gave it to his "friend".  What??!!  They STOLE it!  If I'd have had my wits about me I would have sued them!  But alas I was deep in the black throes of grief, with grief fog clouding whatever was left of my brain.  I hate that company and couldn't help my feelings when it went down a few short years later.  You know, they didn't send a company representative to his funeral, never sent me a card or flowers.  He gave his LIFE for that company!  He literally worked himself to death under the stress they put on him.  I hope your experience is far better than mine was...most people's is as most companies have the sense to value and appreciate their employees and treat their widow with some regard.

I do hope you'll both share your experience here when you're done...our thoughts and prayers go with you because even if the company and other employees are considerate and respectful, it's still a hard thing to do, to have to clean out their workplace.  Perhaps you can take someone with you?