My soulmate passed away

[Karro]

It’s been nearly 6 weeks since I found my best friend and partner after work. I had to preform cpr, but I knew he was already gone.. It’s nothing I could have expected, he was healthy and everything was fine when he woke me up for work that morning and kissed me goodbye for the day. I wish I didn’t go to work that day, maybe I could have saved him.

I try to do the stuff I know he’d want me to do, But whenever I get to bed, I don’t wanna go to sleep, cuz he’s not here with me, holding me. Getting to bed and waking up without him is the hardest part for me. Just wish this was a nightmare. I feel so alone all the time. I just wanna see him again. His name was Adam, and he was only 31. Never imagined my life without him, cuz he was my life. He was the best person I knew, we were soulmates and I love him with all my heart. I still feel him sometimes, like a shiver on my thigh.. I know he’s here in a way and I wanna make him proud, I just don’t know how to deal with it. We were supposed to grow old together. I don’t want kids anymore, I don’t wanna get married I don’t wanna do anything without him. But everyday I try to do something new or something we planned to do together, even tho nothing is exciting anymore, even tho I’m not looking forward to anything. I just feel empty and lost at the end of the day. 

[KMB]

Karro, I am so sorry. I know how you feel. We all do here,  you are not alone. We all wish to wake up from the nightmare and go back, to that last day, that last week, the last month, the last year.  During the early weeks and months, our existence seems surreal. Our physical body is here, it can still function, but our minds and hearts are disassociated from our body. It can take a long, long time to even feel somewhat put back into some semblance of a person again. I admire your determination to make your beloved proud of you and your continuance of trying something new or what you two had planned. Take it slow and have patience. I started out the same way as you, and I crashed. My emotional and mental stability couldn't handle it, while at the same time of processing my loss, and how it had changed life as I had known it. Time is on your side, a kind of gift on this unwanted journey,so please, take your days one step at a time with patience.

That shiver you sometimes feel on your thigh, is him, letting you know he is there. It is a blessing for those of us that feel that spiritual presence.He always will be walking beside you and guiding you. Do not think of the future. We do not know what it is and our minds have enough to deal with. Just go with the flow and your life will unfold the way it is meant to, in its own divine timing.  HUGS

[KayC]

Karro,

I'm so sorry, I know that pain, although it took me until my mid 40s to find my soul mate, I lost him when he'd just had his 51st birthday.  Like you I never expected it, he looked the picture of health, worked hard, nothing could have prepared me.  It took me a long long time to process my grief, longer yet to find some purpose, and even more time to build a life I could live, it's been the hardest journey of my life just finding my way through this.  I know nothing has the same luster anymore, it's like going from living color to black and white.  The best advice I was given was to take a day at a time.  Here are the things that I've learned that has helped me through this in the 13 years since...some of it may not stand out to you until later, at a different point in your journey, so it helps to save it and look at it on down the road again.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Michelene]

I still, everyday, try to write one positive thing on my calendar that happened that day. Sometimes I really have to think about it, but others, I can write a positive thing, even if it is only "beautiful sunset" since my husband loved/loves sunset. A friend sent me a book called "healing after loss: daily meditations for working through grief"--I read it every day--it was especially helpful at first because I could barely concentrate on the longer grief books--these are short, and if I didn't like the one day i knew there would be a new one the next day. Finding your loved one is traumatic, I had to do CPR on my husband, too, and a friend told me that I had PTSD and I should get counseling. I ended up at some hospice place that was free and had groups for different types of losses, and it was good to be with people who understood because I had been living in my own head and I knew that was bad. 

Wishing you support...

[KayC]

@Michelene  That's a very good book.  I like your idea about writing a positive on the calendar, what a great idea!  I would, at the end of the day, think over my day, and meditate on the positive I found in it.  Sometimes I found several positives, sometimes it was a stretch to find one, but I always did.  Even on the really bad days.  I, too, counted the sunsets...we both love/d nature and everything in it, the beauty, the wildlife, all of it.

I agree with you, I liked the books with shorter reading in it, it took me TEN YEARS to get my love of reading back, it's like grief stole my ability to focus, but I'm finally able to read a book from cover to cover and get into it without reading the same passage over and over again, unable to retain it or take it in.

I'm glad you found that help with others that understood!

[ModHerc]

@Karro,

I am so sorry for you and Adam.  I had to perform CPR for my wife when she passed as well.  It was a very rough part of her passing and added significantly to my grief in the beginning.  I am so sorry you had reason to come to this forum and join this awful club, but I am glad you are here now and hope you find as much peace and wisdom here as I have.  Just take it slow to start with, one day, when necessary one moment at a time.  Hoping you find some comfort knowing there are people that share you experience and empathize,

Herc

[Karro]

Me and Adam loved the nature as well, I’m trying to be out of the flat and go for walks in the nature with my friends and their dogs as much as possible. I find that dogs really helps with my stress and anxiety after this. Everyone try and keep ur heads up, that’s what our loved ones would have wanted for us. I keep thinking what if it was me, I’d want Adam to be happy. I listen to his voice notes (he hated texting) and try to take his advice where it’s possible. Sometimes I write in his book where he used to write rhymes, the stuff I only wanna talk to him about. I find that this helps a bit when I’m feeling really low. Thank u for all the advice.

Hugs x