4 months on..

[Jgra18]

I’m a 24 year old guy and live in Australia, I lost my partner Mark 4 months ago yesterday (31st July). It’s been the hardest time of my life. I’ve been writing to him every month.. Something small, something to get the words out.

Since it happened.. I’ve had my own birthday and our anniversary pass. Coming up is his 34th birthday and it falls on the 5 month mark... it’s just such a hard thing.. Follwing that is Christmas... After that is every other holiday for the rest of my life that I have to live with...

People say it gets easier but it really doesn’t seem like it.

I just want people that know what I’m feeling to be able to try and help each other cope.. Life has dealt us the worst hand it could have.

[KayC]

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing in the world.  Writing to him is good, it gets your feelings out rather than bottling up, and who knows, perhaps he reads it...I have an ongoing file I write letters to my husband in. 

It hasn't been long enough to get to the "easier" part...I'm not sure easier is the term I'd use...it's been 13 years for me since my husband died.  But our grief journey does evolve and so in that sense, we begin to adjust to the changes it means to our lives, little by little.

I hope this article I wrote can be of some help to you, consider what strikes you as helpful and read it again in a few months, something else might hit you then, not all may seem applicable to you, but some may.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Eagle-96]

6 hours ago, Jgra18 said:

I’m a 24 year old guy and live in Australia, I lost my partner Mark 4 months ago yesterday (31st July). It’s been the hardest time of my life. I’ve been writing to him every month.. Something small, something to get the words out.

Since it happened.. I’ve had my own birthday and our anniversary pass. Coming up is his 34th birthday and it falls on the 5 month mark... it’s just such a hard thing.. Follwing that is Christmas... After that is every other holiday for the rest of my life that I have to live with...

People say it gets easier but it really doesn’t seem like it.

I just want people that know what I’m feeling to be able to try and help each other cope.. Life has dealt us the worst hand it could have.

Easier is such a misnomer to me. I mean how can it be easy to live without the love of your life. What happened for me was that I learned to live with losing my wife. I learned to adjust to her not being there. I learned that this earth could take my wife but it couldn't take her memory and the legacy she left. I will ALWAYS have that. I learned that tears can turn into smiles. And it's ok if you smile. That doesn't lessen your love at all. It just means that you can reflect on the wonderful times you had with Mark and smile, and maybe even laugh, at the time you had. It's like when winter finally breaks. You don't go from snow and freezing temps to sunny and 80 overnight. The days slowly get longer and the temps warm up. The trees sprout and flowers bloom. It takes place gradually. I couldn't see that at four months and I damn sure didn't believe anyone who told me that. And I agree with @KayC, write to Mark. Talk to him. It was very therapeutic to me to just sit and talk to my wife after she died. I knew I wouldn't get a response but it helped. The holidays and anniversaries are tough. There's no way around it. I wish you nothing but the best as you navigate these waters that you never asked to travel through.

[KayC]

Funny, I was just talking about the term "it getting better" in another thread, how relative that term is.

 

[Jgra18]

On 11/21/2018 at 11:02 PM, KayC said:

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing in the world.  Writing to him is good, it gets your feelings out rather than bottling up, and who knows, perhaps he reads it...I have an ongoing file I write letters to my husband in. 

It hasn't been long enough to get to the "easier" part...I'm not sure easier is the term I'd use...it's been 13 years for me since my husband died.  But our grief journey does evolve and so in that sense, we begin to adjust to the changes it means to our lives, little by little.

I hope this article I wrote can be of some help to you, consider what strikes you as helpful and read it again in a few months, something else might hit you then, not all may seem applicable to you, but some may.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Thank you @KayC.. all very nice words and tips. I’m just so lost in this world. But I’ll use this site to help.

[KayC]

Keep coming here, post your thoughts and feelings, it helps to get it out and know there's someone out here that hears us and understands.  We're going through this journey together.

[ModHerc]

@Jgra18,

I'm so sorry for you and Mark.  Try and break it down into one moment at a time.  When I start thinking too much about the future and how I will cope, it overwhelms me.  I have enough pain today that I don't need to add the pain of tomorrow as well.  I don't think it ever gets easier, but as I experience the different aspects of my grief I learn from them and am better able to deal with it the next time it rises up.  This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, I am not surprised that it will probably take me a lifetime to learn it, and knowing that I can do that one minute at a time keeps it from being too much.  Hoping you find some peace,

Herc