Missing my husband

[LeannC45]

I missed my husband so bad yesterday it felt like I wouldn't make it through the day. I know it is because the holidays are here and I am closing in on the one year anniversary of his passing on January 9th. I was so enveloped in thoughts of my husband. I was picturing his smile, remembering all the cute nicknames he had for me (which was a lot). I read some letters from him where I appreciated his beautiful hand writing and the way he was able to communicate so well to me. I am so lucky to have had such a beautiful soul love me the way my husband did. Now looking back I don't think I EVER understood the love he had for me. Of course I knew he loved me but now when I look back and think about every decision he made and how he talked to me it is so overwhelming clear. He was the love of my life and I don't think I will ever meet someone as special as he was again in my life. I am happy to say that today I am able to function because yesterday was so dark, excruciating and suffocating I really didn't feel like I could get past the suffering.  I wish all of us some joy this Thanksgiving. 

[Jamiei]

I was thinking about you yesterday Leann, I’m sorry you had a really bad day! I will be coming up on a year soon too! I can’t believe it’s been almost a year. As horrible as this year has been I cherish every memory I have of Dewayne. I look at pictures and videos every day and try so hard to smile and not be so angry! This week is gonna be so very hard on all of us! I will be thinking of all of us going through this holiday without our loves! Sending hugs to everyone 

[LeannC45]

6 minutes ago, Jamiei said:

I was thinking about you yesterday Leann, I’m sorry you had a really bad day! I will be coming up on a year soon too! I can’t believe it’s been almost a year. As horrible as this year has been I cherish every memory I have of Dewayne. I look at pictures and videos every day and try so hard to smile and not be so angry! This week is gonna be so very hard on all of us! I will be thinking of all of us going through this holiday without our loves! Sending hugs to everyone 

Thank you for your response. I wish you and everyone here strength during the holidays. Yesterday caught me by surprise I wasn't doing anything any different but out of nowhere the loss and absence of my husband felt like being hit by a train. I really do want to get better and I know he would want me to find happiness. At times it's just hard to understand why things work the way they do. I love looking at pictures of my husband or looking at videos on his phone. It soothes me to hear his laughter and see his smile. Everyone enjoy your holiday and cherish those that are near and dear to you.

[KayC]

@LeannC45  Good to see you here again!  I'm sorry yesterday was so dark, it seems we get hit with those days that takes everything to get through.  Yes, we were lucky to have them in our lives, a once in a lifetime love for sure!  The more guys I've met, the more rare I realize my husband was!

[Sunflower2]

@LeannC45   A moment of despair mixed in with the dark days we experience,  When that wave hits it hits.  We learn to understand that we do pass through it and come out the other side. 

"We are experiencing our loss, we are going through it rather than around it or over it.  We are not walking away from it and pretending that it isn't there. That is what gives us the hope. We allow ourselves to experience the depth of our feelings as we examine our loss and all that it means to us.  We are working our way up and out of grief. We are coming into light."

To everyone.… love and light as we move through this Thanksgiving. 

[Sunflower2]

21 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I am so lucky to have had such a beautiful soul love me the way my husband did. Now looking back I don't think I EVER understood the love he had for me

YES!  I totally understand this.  It is that love and energy that will move us forward to continue our journey in a wholeness!  Yes a wholeness!  A different wholeness LeannC45 but a beautiful wholeness! xo

[LeannC45]

We are experiencing our loss, we are going through it rather than around it or over it

This is what I am realizing through this painful journey. I have never allowed myself to feel so much pain. When my Dad passed away I did everything to avoid the pain. I drank wine a couple nights a week, I ignored the darkness instead of sitting with it and taking away the lessons that come with great loss. Of course me disconnecting from that pain didn't make it go away,  it was waiting for me and inevitably I had to process my Dad being gone and what that meant in my life. I want to honor my husband by being brave enough to feel my grief and get to the light. 

[Sunshine247]

@LeannC45 I have days like that too - and others where it almost seems "normal" again. I think those days bother me more. When I have the days when the hurt is just too much to bear, I take what I call a "sick day." My heart and soul are sick and they need to be taken care of. So I tell myself - ok, you have this ONE bad day - and tomorrow will be better. And I allow myself to just stay in bed and cry my eyes out and scream or yell or do whatever it is that will make me feel better and give me some release from the emotions and it usually works. 

Where are you in California? I am in Oceanside, north of San Diego, south of LA.

I hope you having a better day today. Just focus on one day at a time. And try not to anticipate what might be coming up - Thanksgiving Day, Christmas, the anniversary. You might be worrying or stressing about something that might never happen (I do this ALL. THE. TIME.) Worrying does not relieve tomorrow of its stress. It empties today of its joy. I know that it might seem like we don't have any joy any more, but we do, there is joy all around us, we just have to be open to seeing it and receiving it and welcoming it - and there is NOTHING wrong with that - we don't need to feel guilty. I tend to think that if I am ever happy again, it will be a betrayal of Bob or something but that is the farthest thing from the truth - Bob would WANT me to be happy. Ss I am trying to stay strong for him and to make him proud. I hope you can be able to try to do the same for your husband. 

Sending love and hugs and strength and courage. Just know that you are not alone. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

We are experiencing our loss, we are going through it rather than around it or over it

This is what I am realizing through this painful journey. I have never allowed myself to feel so much pain. When my Dad passed away I did everything to avoid the pain. I drank wine a couple nights a week, I ignored the darkness instead of sitting with it and taking away the lessons that come with great loss. Of course me disconnecting from that pain didn't make it go away,  it was waiting for me and inevitably I had to process my Dad being gone and what that meant in my life. I want to honor my husband by being brave enough to feel my grief and get to the light. 

I'm sure you've heard me say I've learned to coexist with my grief.  There were times in my earlier years when I'm sure I tried avoiding grief part of the time...that doesn't work.  It doesn't go anywhere, it's still with you, it's not like we can get rid of it or drive it away, and once that diversion is gone, you find it's still there haunting you, nagging at you.  It doesn't leave.  I've learned the only way is straight through it, there is no way around it, but to deal with it, it's then that I learned to carry it and live out my life with grief as my companion.  It doesn't mean all is doom and gloom or I sit in a darkened house sobbing at pictures all day.  Quite the contrary, I carry grief inside my soul, quietly, somewhat sadly, yet even while I can enjoy other's company and smile at what is now.  Perhaps it's an art that takes practice?  I've learned to look for the joy, no matter how small, to live in this present moment and to carry George with me.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

I tend to think that if I am ever happy again, it will be a betrayal of Bob or something but that is the farthest thing from the truth

So many people feel this way.  I remember early on reading an article about giving ourselves permission to smile, to laugh.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love and that continues still.

Your words are wise about joy, I began that practice at day eleven and if I can, anyone can, it is no secret, it is practice, embracing this moment to its fullest.

 

[LeannC45]

On 11/22/2018 at 5:37 AM, KayC said:

I'm sure you've heard me say I've learned to coexist with my grief.  There were times in my earlier years when I'm sure I tried avoiding grief part of the time...that doesn't work.  It doesn't go anywhere, it's still with you, it's not like we can get rid of it or drive it away, and once that diversion is gone, you find it's still there haunting you, nagging at you.  It doesn't leave.  I've learned the only way is straight through it, there is no way around it, but to deal with it, it's then that I learned to carry it and live out my life with grief as my companion.  It doesn't mean all is doom and gloom or I sit in a darkened house sobbing at pictures all day.  Quite the contrary, I carry grief inside my soul, quietly, somewhat sadly, yet even while I can enjoy other's company and smile at what is now.  Perhaps it's an art that takes practice?  I've learned to look for the joy, no matter how small, to live in this present moment and to carry George with me.

KacyC, I think you are 100% right about honing the ability to move forward and see/feel happiness no matter how small. This Thanksgiving I was grateful to spend time with a cousin and her family which is not usually how I spent my Thanksgiving. I tried very hard to stay in the moment and just enjoy conversation and basically being outside of my house. It is an odd feeling though because the whole time I was very aware of this feeling of emptiness and loss that was a constant emotion right at the surface. It was definitely a balancing act to focus on the now and  all the new,  instead of my past and all that I don't have. I put up a couple little Christmas decorations because it is a holiday I love but I don't plan to do much more then that. I hope that all of us can make it through Christmas with some joy and appreciation for what we do have.

[Sunflower2]

6 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I tried very hard to stay in the moment and just enjoy conversation and basically being outside of my house. It is an odd feeling though because the whole time I was very aware of this feeling of emptiness and loss that was a constant emotion right at the surface. It was definitely a balancing act to focus on the now and  all the new,  instead of my past and all that I don't have.

Love how you moved through this.  I could not have said it better.  It is how I experienced this Thanksgiving. The partnership of the lightness and darkness. Staying present.  Being aware. Honoring and blending all our feelings. The blending and the balancing.  We do experience a wholeness. A different wholeness but a wholeness. This I believe even in the magnitude of missing everything about him.

[ModHerc]

On 11/21/2018 at 10:17 AM, LeannC45 said:

We are experiencing our loss, we are going through it rather than around it or over it

This is what I am realizing through this painful journey. I have never allowed myself to feel so much pain. When my Dad passed away I did everything to avoid the pain. I drank wine a couple nights a week, I ignored the darkness instead of sitting with it and taking away the lessons that come with great loss. Of course me disconnecting from that pain didn't make it go away,  it was waiting for me and inevitably I had to process my Dad being gone and what that meant in my life. I want to honor my husband by being brave enough to feel my grief and get to the light. 

This is an incredibly insightful post, or at least it deeply touches me due to my experiences.  When my grandfather passed (my father was pretty much absent and as a result my grandfather was my father figure) I drank and drugged away the pain of the loss.  I have wondered on occasion if I’d had the strength to deal with that loss if it would have helped with the loss of my wife.  I will never know on that front, but what I do know is that the loss of my wife has taught me much more about grief because I embraced it and dealt with it rather than running away from it.  Sending you all the healing thoughts I can, and so thankful for the helpful reflection you sparked,

Herc

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Herc said:

the loss of my wife has taught me much more about grief because I embraced it and dealt with it rather than running away from it.

Right!  Each loss is different, I didn't have as difficult time when I lost my dad because it was expected, he was suffering, also he wasn't in my everyday life like my husband was and it didn't affect me on nearly so many levels...that's not to say I don't miss him, I do!  But the loss of my husband was by far the hardest, and after that, loss of pets.  These are the ones I share my life with, interact with daily, yet loss of husband affected so many more aspects than even loss of pet, as close as I am to them.  He is the person who validated me, the person that shared in chores, the person I confided in, had the talking/sharing exchange with, the one who look at me with that appreciative glance.  Gone is my sexual life, a thing of the past.  He is the one I cuddled with, gave and received affection with.  He also paid half the bills so even though they continued (increased actually because of the medical/hospital bills that poured in), my income was cut in half.  Nothing prepares you for all of that!  The thing that I had to deal with that kind of caught me off guard was how much he added to my enjoyment of living...from enjoying holidays, taking drives, our entire social life, all of that changed!

20 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I tried very hard to stay in the moment and just enjoy conversation and basically being outside of my house. It is an odd feeling though because the whole time I was very aware of this feeling of emptiness and loss that was a constant emotion right at the surface. It was definitely a balancing act to focus on the now and  all the new,  instead of my past and all that I don't have. I put up a couple little Christmas decorations because it is a holiday I love but I don't plan to do much more then that. I hope that all of us can make it through Christmas with some joy and appreciation for what we do have.

Oh, Leeann, I'm so glad you've grasped this!  This is what I have learned and tried to convey to others here...it's so essential to our ability to adjust in our now changed lives.  Resilience.  A key part of it!  Understanding that our grief is and always will be our companion, but it needn't rob of us every good emotion!  There are still good things that are in our lives, things that come our way.  In the beginning we can't see them for the grief fog, the shock, the huge body slam we've taken!  It takes us ferreting them out and actively LOOKING for good, and when we find even just a little bit, EMBRACING IT!  Living in the present moment not only helps us not slink into the anxiety that threatens us at every turn, becoming overwhelmed and fearful, but it also helps us recognize what good there is in our lives, in this world, that we can still enjoy.  Nothing compares to the joy that George was to me, but I've learned that comparisons are a killer, a real joy-killer, they invalidate what is, so not to go there, to put up the hand to comparisons and stop it in its tracks!  EVERYTHING GOOD COUNTS, nothing too small to be considered insignificant.  That stranger that lets you merge in traffic, that holds the door open for you, that phone call from a friend, the sibling that remembered your birthday, anything/everything counts!  Good for you!  A job well done, I'd say!   

[LeannC45]

13 hours ago, Herc said:

This is an incredibly insightful post, or at least it deeply touches me due to my experiences.  When my grandfather passed (my father was pretty much absent and as a result my grandfather was my father figure) I drank and drugged away the pain of the loss.  I have wondered on occasion if I’d had the strength to deal with that loss if it would have helped with the loss of my wife.  I will never know on that front, but what I do know is that the loss of my wife has taught me much more about grief because I embraced it and dealt with it rather than running away from it.  Sending you all the healing thoughts I can, and so thankful for the helpful reflection you sparked,

Herc

I am glad that you were able to find value in my post. I read something that said if you don't transform your suffering you will project it onto others. Now when I reflect on my Dad's passing I can't believe what a train wreck I turned into! I was so busy pushing down the darkness and numbing myself out drinking. Honestly it was such an exhausting, depleting way to live and in the end I hurt myself more. There is much to learn about ourselves in the worst times of our lives if we are brave enough to face them. I think about this fact everyday so that I don't fall into my old ways. I wish you strength and support on your journey. 

[LeannC45]

19 minutes ago, KayC said:

Right!  Each loss is different, I didn't have as difficult time when I lost my dad because it was expected, he was suffering, also he wasn't in my everyday life like my husband was and it didn't affect me on nearly so many levels...that's not to say I don't miss him, I do!  But the loss of my husband was by far the hardest, and after that, loss of pets.  These are the ones I share my life with, interact with daily, yet loss of husband affected so many more aspects than even loss of pet, as close as I am to them.  He is the person who validated me, the person that shared in chores, the person I confided in, had the talking/sharing exchange with, the one who look at me with that appreciative glance.  Gone is my sexual life, a thing of the past.  He is the one I cuddled with, gave and received affection with.  He also paid half the bills so even though they continued (increased actually because of the medical/hospital bills that poured in), my income was cut in half.  Nothing prepares you for all of that!  The thing that I had to deal with that kind of caught me off guard was how much he added to my enjoyment of living...from enjoying holidays, taking drives, our entire social life, all of that changed!

Oh, Leeann, I'm so glad you've grasped this!  This is what I have learned and tried to convey to others here...it's so essential to our ability to adjust in our now changed lives.  Resilience.  A key part of it!  Understanding that our grief is and always will be our companion, but it needn't rob of us every good emotion!  There are still good things that are in our lives, things that come our way.  In the beginning we can't see them for the grief fog, the shock, the huge body slam we've taken!  It takes us ferreting them out and actively LOOKING for good, and when we find even just a little bit, EMBRACING IT!  Living in the present moment not only helps us not slink into the anxiety that threatens us at every turn, becoming overwhelmed and fearful, but it also helps us recognize what good there is in our lives, in this world, that we can still enjoy.  Nothing compares to the joy that George was to me, but I've learned that comparisons are a killer, a real joy-killer, they invalidate what is, so not to go there, to put up the hand to comparisons and stop it in its tracks!  EVERYTHING GOOD COUNTS, nothing too small to be considered insignificant.  That stranger that lets you merge in traffic, that holds the door open for you, that phone call from a friend, the sibling that remembered your birthday, anything/everything counts!  Good for you!  A job well done, I'd say!   

Thank you KayC, it is with all the support I get from here and my therapist that give me strength and encouragement to move forward everyday. There are so many times in my life that I wish I would have reached out for help.  There is so much to gain from connecting to people who can empathize. One day at a time with love, support and hope for a brighter day.