Lost the love of my life

[wall7264]

My boyfriend and I had been together since 2006.  He called me while I was at work on 11/6/2018 to tell me he wasn't feeling good, and was going to stay home from work.  I really didn't think too much of it, but I did suggest he go to the doctor.  He stopped responding to my calls and texts a little while later... figured he was either at the doctor or sleeping it off.  I came home about 2 hours later to find he had passed away in our bed... phone still in his hand.  I am 37, he was 48.  I performed chest compressions, but I knew he was gone.  I tried, I really did.  He never had any health problems, I had never known him to ever even have a cold.  An autopsy has been performed, and it is expected to be heart related; however, there will be some amount of wait before we have the results.  It's been almost 2 weeks now, and I just can't believe this happened.  It still just seems like yesterday.  Of course, I stayed busy immediately after with the funeral and arrangements, but now everybody is gone... everyone has returned to their normal lives.  I am stuck.  I have so much guilt and regret.  I miss him so very much.  He was my best friend.  I just wish we had a few more minutes to talk.  I can't stop thinking about him.  I returned to work today, and I am broken.  I can't focus on anything.  I cry constantly.  I just need him back!  I truly am heart broken.

I haven't even begun to deal with the reality of living without him: bills, chores, holidays, his daughter.  We didn't live outside of our means, but we definitely were a dual income home.  He did not have any assets, and his life insurance policy will go to his 17 year-old daughter.  She actually lives with us, but has been staying at her Grandmother's since he passed.  I don't know how to help her.  She appears to be dealing with it, at least extremely better than me.  She's a senior in high school and just started a part time job.  Her mother is not in the picture, but his mom has been extremely helpful.  I never took on the "mother" role, I was always more of an aunt / friend to her... I suppose.  We raised her in a way that would lead her to become an independent woman.  That was our arrangement in our house.  I just worry so much for her.  I feel so selfish worrying about myself.  I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out.  May God bless all of you dealing with loss.  I don't know how I will ever get through this.

[ModKatB]

11 minutes ago, wall7264 said:

  I don't know how I will ever get through this. 

That sentence says so much and there are so many here that understand the emotions that go with it. I am so sorry for your loss. None of us are ever ready to have to deal with something like this and the journey is hard but there is hope. I found this forum one night and it has been something that helped because of the compassion of others here. Prayers and Hugs to you.

[KayC]

Oh Hon, you are but a year older than my own daughter, so young to go through this, but there's others even younger here...it's just not something you'd ever expect.  My husband had just turned 51 when he had a heart attack and two days later another one that killed him.  We'd only been together 6 1/2 years, we were supposed to grow old together!

I'm glad his mom is helpful and I hope you continue to get to see his daughter.  

When my husband died we owed $72,000 in debts for medical, hospital, ambulance, doctors, and vehicles.  I had to sell his car.  We had $120 in the bank, my sister paid for his cremation.  It was the beginning of the recession and I lost my job within months and had to go to commuting 100 miles/day to a job I didn't like.  But I can honestly say I never went without a meal and I didn't lose my home.  My first week of retirement I discovered I needed a new roof.  A couple of years later another one on my 30' patio (it took paying three different contractors go get one that didn't leak).  The contractor on the house roof went to prison, there went my warranty.  And now I just had to have yet another roof put on my double garage and outdoor buildings.  I say all this to let you know that no matter what has come along, surgery, broken right elbow with a stick shift car, etc. I've always made it through it.  I feel my husband is with me, and I draw strength from that.

In the beginning, thoughts of him brought tears and pain, but eventually it changed to bringing me a smile and comfort.  I couldn't have gotten through the looking for work time without feeling his faith in me, giving me confidence.

It's been over 13 years he's been gone now.  There's not a day goes by but what he's uppermost in my mind and I miss him, but I've learned to do this.  I wrote an article on what has helped me in my grief journey and I want to share it with you...I hope you'll print it out and reread it every few months as not everything will hit you right now, this journey is ever changing.  We'll be here with you if you want us to.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Sunshine247]

Dear @wall7264 - I am so sorry for your loss and the trauma that it involved. My husband passed away on October 4 from metastatic prostate cancer. His passing was not unexpected - we knew that short of a miracle, he wasn't responding to treatments - but it was sudden. He had never been told that he was terminal, and hadn't gone into hospice. I can tell you that knowing that it was coming, eventually, has not helped in any way. So please do not second guess yourself or beat yourself up - you did all that you could, you did the best that you could and that is all that any of us on here have been able to do and are able to do right now.

I have found that taking it one day at a time has helped. There have been days when I have stayed in bed all day and cried. There have been days when I've decided that having a glass of wine at 9 am would help (it hasn't and I don't recommend that). Most days, I decide on ONE thing that I want to accomplish that day - it can be something really simple and seemingly stupid and routine - taking a shower. It can be something far larger and more involved and demanding - paying a bill, changing the name on an account, setting up payments from my account. It took me a month to meet with the lawyer to file what we needed to be filed for the will because doing that made it real and final. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your boyfriend's daughter - keep that going, no matter how hard it might seem for either of you or how awkward it might feel. You are each other's last link to him. On days when I feel like I am just going to drown, I ask Bob (my husband) to help me, and somehow, he does. I am now pushing myself each day to make him proud and to stay strong for him. The other thing that really helps me when I hit rock bottom - which could be at any minute, multiple times a day - is that this is not something that Bob chose either - if he had his choice, he would be right here with me, happy and healthy and taking care of everything like he always has. Try to draw strength from your boyfriend and just take one day at a time, one task at a time. Try not to look at the Big Picture - it will just overwhelm you, scare you, depress you. Just think of what you need to do TODAY - pay a bill, do a load of laundry, fill up the car with gas - whatever it is - just DO IT and once you have it done, it does help with dealing with your hurt because you know that you have accomplished something that is really hard, so you can deal with this too. Cry when you need to. Maybe carry a memento from your boyfriend with you, in your purse or wallet. I'm wearing my husband's wedding ring and that makes me feel closer to him. 

And please come here ANY time - there are so many people who have been through what we are going through, who are going through what we are going through - and we will NEVER "get over it" - we will all just somehow get through it. Sending you lots of peace and hugs and love and strength.