HOLIDAYS ARE HARD

[i miss my mom]

well I got my charger back to the ones who have been following my post.. yaaay... its getting closer and closer to thanksgiving and I think about mom more and more.. me mom and my sister Jennifer used to always cook dinner together.. since mom died we have really just been doing our own thing.. every year it seems like one of us 3 kids always gotta be somewhere else on thanksgiving besides together.. either me or my brother in prison or just something.. well this year will be the first thanksgiving in 6 yrs that we have all been together.. at anything actually.. very first time we have all been together again.. it even sounds crazy to say that bc our family has always been a close family where we do EVERYTHING together and look at us now.. first time all together in 6 yrs.. that's just crazy to me.. but hey this year is turning out to have a lot of firsts in it.. we still got a month left in November..lol what else is gonna happen.. hopefully all good things.. but things have really looked up for me. for a minute there I was wondering if maybe I should join my mom but now I just want to be with my family.. never want my kids to hurt and wonder forever with no answer like I am over my mom.. why why why ill never know that answer.. idk if that would make it easier or not.. actually knowing why she did it.. what was that final thing that made her snap and say you know what I'm done.. cant do this life no more.. I mean really I knew she was depressed but damn she been depressed my whole life.. she tried suicide several times but she its like she always chickened out at the last minute and told someone before it was too late.. she would take a bunch of pills or cut her wrist but not quiet deep enough.. or det real drunk and drive crazy trying to wreck.. just all kinds of things.. I was used to that.. like she just wanted attention or something.. hell idk.. but this time she wasn't playing bc she put a gun to her head and pulled the damn trigger like a dumb ass.. I just don't understand damn it.. and all her note said was tell my kids I'm sorry I love you ron love mom.. what kind of note is that? why didn't she at least give us a clue? that's why I say what was it that pushed her that extra step this time.. yes I sound cruel for being mean and calling her a dumb ass but I'm angry.. so what.. ill probably be angry for a long time.. but I'm afraid what pushed her over the edge is I think my moms husband was sleeping with my moms baby sister before she killed herself.. a month after my mother was in the ground he had my moms baby sister living with him in my moms house sleeping together in the same bed and same bedroom my mom killed herself in.. did you understand that.. go back and read it again.. it pretty F up if you asked my.. well I beat the breaks off my aunt after I found out.. and will do so every time I see her.. my mom was a wonderful good hearted woman who was good to everyone.. she deserves more respect than that.. I mean come on your dead sisters husband.. and sleeping with him in the bed she killed herself in?? no I don't think so not my mama.. so yes I got her ass and will when I see her again.. but anyways yeah I think my mom found out before she died and didn't tell nobody.. hell idk.. but thanksgiving is gonna be awesome.. my husband is off for the whole week.. my family is all gonna be together again and life is getting better.. I'm sorry I went off like that but again just a little more that needed to come out.. thanks for listening

 

KRISTIL

[marbeth]

What a heartbreaking post.  Your anger is completely understandable, and when it's tied up with the grief of losing your mom, it's more than I can imagine.  I'm so sorry you're going through this but I really hope getting together with the rest of your family for Thanksgiving will be a new beginning. 

[i miss my mom]

Hi Marbeth  good morning to you.. thank you for responding to my post.. when I see people actually read my post it makes me want to tell more of my story.. its crazy that ive kept it all inside for 6 yrs since she died.. but now I found this group I just find myself wanting to talk about her..  I guess its just time I start excepting that yes she really did that!!! she is really never coming back.. I find myself just daydreaming about our life together.. lol I'm a very funny person.. I make everyone bust a gut.. don't even mean to.. just never know whats gonna pop out my mouth.. me and my mom would sit out on her back porch in the mornings and drink our coffee and talk about anything and everything... it would be 5am and I got her rolling laughing.. yea that as the good days.. and lord forbid someone talk crazy to my mom in front of me.. I went straight in their ass no questions asked.. no I didn't play about my mama.. she was the most special person in the world to me.. still is and always will be.. yea I'm angry at her but my mom wasn't a selfish person at all.. she always thought about us kids before herself.. I know she had to have been struggeling to make that choice.. do it and end her heartache but hurt us.. or don't do it so we wouldn't be hurt but she would have continued to hurt herself.. does that make sense? I know in my heart up until the very last second she was still thinking about us first.. man I wish I knew what was going thru her mind.. what was that final push? why did she not tell me this time..

                         KRISTIL