Tomorrow night is the memorial

[Vivace50494]

I’ve been having panic attacks all day realizing that tomorrow night is my partners memorial.  I don’t think I can face all those people.  Especially since they were clients and business associates of his and didn’t know me very well.  It just makes me feel even lonelier.  I just can’t accept the fact that I’m never going to see him again, or hear his voice, or share all the great and small things we had together.  I’m finding I’m afraid of the least little thing and don’t have anyone to ask for help.  The one or two people I know - and I wouldn’t call them friends are tired of me already.  I sense it   They didn’t reply by text or phone call.  I can’t stop crying.  I try to pray and I can’t find comfort or strength in that either.  I used to love the holidays and now I can’t believe they will always be lessened with the memory of his death last week   I’m sorry I wish I were stronger

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ForgetMeNot150]

Firstly please don't apologize for not being stronger. Grief is a brutal experience and it is physically and emotionally exhausting and you are stronger than you realise just for getting through it each day. If you need to cry a lot, then that is just how it is and there is nothing wrong with that. It will ease eventually so just go with it for now.

With regard to the panic attacks keep taking deep breaths and telling yourself to relax. Try not to stress about the memorial as worrying about it will just make things worse. Just because you don't know them very well doesn't mean that they are all bad. If some of them knew him well, there may be something about him that they share with you which helps you. I have found when others share their memories of my husband, Craig, that it makes me smile and proud that I was with him.

The loneliness in losing a partner is huge and all of us here know that far too well. It has been almost two months since Craig passed and it still feels strange that I will never see him again and I will never share all those little in-jokes and everyday things with him. But I do now find that I can start to remember those things and smile and think how lucky I was to have them in the first place. Some people never get to love someone like that their whole life. In the words of Winnie-the-Pooh..."How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

I know you probably don't feel lucky right now, but try to stay positive and just take it moment by moment and you'll get through the day and the memorial. Most importantly, try to be a bit easier on yourself. There is no set pattern to grieving and unless someone else has been through this, they will struggle to understand and it doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong.

Sending you strength and thinking of you at this tough time. ♥

Michelle

[Sunshine247]

I just had the first of three memorials for my husband on November 3, in Little Rock, Arkansas, for his friends and family - he grew up about 2 hours east of there, about an hour and a half south of Memphis on the Mississippi. It was good to see his friends and family - my mother and sisters came and my mother managed to make it all about her, but you can read about that in another post  Just take deep breaths and tell yourself - just make it though THIS hour, and then the next... THIS day and then tomorrow. It takes time and some days will be better than others. And on the good days, don't start feeling guilty that you maybe feel ten minutes of happiness, or actually manage to forget for five minutes that your partner has passed, or don't feel the need for an hour to have a nervous breakdown. Trust me, it will all come rushing back. But let it. Just try to ride it out. YOU have to grieve the way that is best for YOU - none of us are going through exactly the same thing except that we lost the loves of our lives and the pain is incredible. Stay strong - we are all here for you. If you pray, do that. I have found that it helps me. Here is a prayer that I put together when Bob was still going through treatment and still fighting: 

Lord, please fill my heart with love

My mind with peace

My body with strength

My soul with comfort

My life with joy

I know that I am weak without you

Please carry me through these difficult times and comfort me.

 

And I would sit and just let myself FEEL each request as I said it - feel my heart fill with love. Deep breath. Feel my mind feel with peace. Deep breath. Feel my body get stronger. Deep breath. Feel the comfort in my soul. Deep breath. And finally, take a minute to be grateful - for the beauty of nature, for all with which I am blessed, for having such a wonderful husband and all of the love that we share and the happiness and adventures we had together for so many years.

Keep your heart and mind open. As Michelle suggested, some of his friends or associates might share a story that you don't know or haven't heard or a memory that you cherish. Remember that they are all there because they care about your partner too and they are hurt and feel loss as well. No, not on the level that you do - but it is real all the same. If you find yourself staring to lose it (I did) if you are able to visually focus on something, do that and just keep repeating in your head what you are looking at - for me, it was the stained glass cross in the church. That is a cross, that is a cross, that is a cross... and if you feel a wave of grief coming over you and you don't want to show it in front of people, try to replace it with the HAPPIEST memory that you have. Let it bring a smile to your face before tears to your eyes. Your partner will be right there with you.

I'm not an expert - I'm new to this - today is just six weeks since Bob passed. But these things work for me and if they help you, then I am glad to help. Another saying from Winnie the Pooh is attached. What a wise old bear. Maybe we should all get one and hug it for comfort? 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Vivace50494 said:

I’ve been having panic attacks all day realizing that tomorrow night is my partners memorial.  I don’t think I can face all those people.  Especially since they were clients and business associates of his and didn’t know me very well.  It just makes me feel even lonelier.  I just can’t accept the fact that I’m never going to see him again, or hear his voice, or share all the great and small things we had together.  I’m finding I’m afraid of the least little thing and don’t have anyone to ask for help.  The one or two people I know - and I wouldn’t call them friends are tired of me already.  I sense it   They didn’t reply by text or phone call.  I can’t stop crying.  I try to pray and I can’t find comfort or strength in that either.  I used to love the holidays and now I can’t believe they will always be lessened with the memory of his death last week   I’m sorry I wish I were stronger

I'm so sorry.  Let me just say that strength is an illusive invisible thing...we possess more of it than we think and often when we least feel like it.  Just do a day at a time.  Break that down into an hour or even just a minute if that's all you feel you can handle.

I pray today's service will be comforting to you, knowing so many people cared about him and showed up to pay their respects.  You alone will miss him the most, long after the others have gone on their way, you will be missing him the rest of your life and he will never be out of your mind.  I know because my husband has been gone 13 years and he's on my mind all throughout the day, each and every day.  I've learned to live with it.  It takes so much time for this to sink in, never mind accepting it, you'll never like it, but eventually you will realize it...when you don't look up expecting him to come in the door, when you don't answer the phone expecting to hear his voice, it will have sunk in.  It is a little easier then, before that it's like we die a thousand deaths each and every time it hits us that they're gone.  The hardest thing in the world to come to realize.

This will hit no one quite like it hits you.  If he has parents still, they'll be missing him in a profound way, siblings too, but this is going to affect your life like no other because he was in your everyday existence.  We here, we get that.  We understand, and I'm so sorry you're going through this instead of waking up and sharing a cup of brew with him.

I hope you'll let us know how the memorial goes, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers today.

And it's okay to call on God, even if He feels a million miles away...He isn't, but it's common to feel that way in early grief.  It took me until about a year and then I realized He was with me, carrying me, all the time, I just couldn't know/feel it because I couldn't know/feel anything but my grief.  And I was an avid pray-er prior to this.  Don't worry about it, it'll come around too.

Grief is the strangest things, it seems to kidnap us and it takes so much for us to figure this out, but in time we do, bit by bit.  (((hugs)))

[Moment2moment]

Go! This crowd is your support system. They may have known him more but if they are decent human beings they are also going to be there for you, his partner. You need them more than you know and it might just be that you will make one friend there that can become a listening ear, a caring heart. Just one person can make all the difference in the world. 

My partner died in May and she wanted no funeral, no service. It was just me arranging the cremation, driving over to pick up her ashes. I was in shock more or less for the first few months with not one person coming to visit me. I had 2 cousins and her sister and one friend (all out of town) and I talked to them almost daily. I don't know how I would have made it without their listening ears.

Eventually I got a grief counselor and may at some point go to a support group. Crazy as it seems I got a part time job and got so much support there that I never expected. And coming to this place here was a blessing too.

I had panic attacks, hid in the house, felt like I was going to pass out when I had to drive to the grocery, and felt like I was just going to fold over to the ground in grief and die.

But I had to eat, find  a job, pay the bills, walk the dog and force myself to get moving each day. So somehow I did with my faith in God's support and love carrying me when I felt I was not going to make it in those first few weeks.

Come here every day and report in if it helps. Let us know how you are doing. Call a local hospice when you are ready and get the name of a grief counselor.

Go to the memorial and try to draw strength from others.  It will become a valuable skill for future coping.

Let us know how it goes. Love and good vibes your way-

Lily Bell

[KayC]

Thinking of you and wondering how you're doing and how the memorial went...when you're ready, maybe you can give us an update.

[Vivace50494]

Last night was the longest three hours I’ve experienced in a long time.   The emotional ups and downs were extreme and I found there were a lot more downs.  It was comforting to hear all the nice comments about Patrick but it also reminded me that I would never see him again and then I found myself just panicking and sobbing.  And I’m not a good-looking crier.   There were a lot of people there but I felt so alone.  Maybe because I didn’t know them and I would probably never see them again.  Today was probably my worst day yet.   I sat on the couch all day-alone surrounded by huge fragrant bouquets of flowers from the memorial.  Last night all the people and today not even a phone call.  I just honestly don’t know how I’m going to carry on and get through all this.  The memorial is over and I’m glad but I’m also full of sorrow and despair because Patrick is officially over too and all those people are on their way to making Patrick -and me- a memory.

 

[ForgetMeNot150]

It sounds like you had a tough time, but I'm glad you got through it and found some positivity in the comments about Patrick.

Try not to think of Patrick as "over" as that sounds so final. I don't think of Craig that way and never will do. He is in me and will never be truly gone. I am in a place now where I can start to remember the good times we had - it has taken a couple of months for me to get there, but I'm sure you'll get there too. 

I too feel more alone if I'm around a lot of people. If I went out in a group it would usually be with Craig and we would laugh and joke and support each other as neither of us liked crowds or people much at all for that matter! So to go through that without him there is really hard. BUT it does get easier eventually.

It is not surprising that you had your worst day after all of that emotional upheaval. You were so worried about it beforehand and would have had to stay incredibly strong just to get through it, so once it was over, your whole body will want to relax with the relief that it is done. For me, the worst days occur after I've got through something and can rest - I collapse and don't have the energy to do anything other than crying! So give yourself a break and allow yourself to have a bad day. It doesn't mean that the next day has to be bad too, it just means you have to let out all of the emotion so you can regroup and start again. Each time you do will make you a bit stronger and little by little it will get better.

Take care of yourself and have patience.

Thinking of you and sending you a hug so hopefully you won't feel quite so lonely. ♥

[KayC]

ForgetMeNot is right...Patrick will never be over because you are carrying on his legacy, same as I am with George.  We are the ones who will never, could never, forget.  You and he were more important to each other than anyone, anything else, so it stands to reason others will go on with their lives, but you will never leave him behind.  My George has been gone over 13 years and there's not a day he hasn't been uppermost in my mind.

It's not surprising your phone is quiet...people have a way of thinking, "Well that's done" and checking "funeral" off their list to do.  For you it's not that simple, nothing about this is done or ever will be.  I'm glad you got through that day and hope it was at least a bit heartwarming to see people make the effort to attend in his honor and memory.  Funerals are one of the least liked things to do, so when people make the effort to attend, it says a lot about the person who died...and their grieving widow, that they would show up for the both of you.

I hope you took the day afterwards to just rest, it takes time to assimilate what just took place.  

You're in our thoughts and prayers and hope you can find some peace and comfort.

[Sunshine247]

Patrick will never be gone. I feel the same way about Bob. My family rallied to be there at the memorial service but no one has called me in a week to check on me, to see how I am doing - I am expected to check in with them, and with my mother especially, to see how SHE is doing. Right now, I don't care. And right now, it IS all about YOU. Just know that even if we have never met you, there are many of us here that care about you and what you are going through and we are here for you. This forum has been a Godsend to me and my sanity. Patrick is also there with you, loving you as he always has and always will. No one and nothing can ever take that away from the two of you. Not even death. 

[Moment2moment]

This poem is exactly how I feel about my Martha. In the blink of an eye, the skip of a heartbeat, the moment in which my last breath is drawn, we will be together again and forever.

Thank you for posting this.

Lily Bell

[KayC]

I remember that poem.  Nothing has changed except everything in our lives because we can't REACH them!  But I console myself with the fact that I know he still loves me and we continue our relationship on faith in each other...until we meet again!