Non-Religious Coping With Grief

[marbeth]

When a loved one dies, we hear from others trying to comfort us that he or she is "always looking over you."  Or "you'll see each other again someday."  Or they're "in a better place."  I can see where it would be comforting to believe in an afterlife, but it just sounds like so much nonsense and wishful thinking to me.  Just because we'd like to believe in something doesn't make it true.  I'd like to believe that people wouldn't torture animals or abuse children, but unfortunately they do.  Belief and reality are two different things.

The question becomes, for those of us who can't buy that our loved one is waiting for us on The Other Side, how do we cope with grief?  I've been struggling with that in the six months since my mother died, and I've come up with a few ways that have helped me somewhat while I wait for time to blunt the pain.  One way has just been coming to this forum.  Seeing others express so much of what I'm feeling--the sense of disbelief, the punch-in-the-gut panic, the fear that the pain will never lessen--does help because it shows me that there's nothing abnormal about my feelings. None of us are alone in this because we all go through grief at some point in our lives.

I do think that ultimately we have to let time work its magic, but in the meantime, here are a few thoughts that have helped me have moments of feeling at least marginally better.

In the first Harry Potter book, Dumbledore tells Harry that Nicolas Flamel and his wife decided to stop taking the elixir that has kept them alive for many years past normal lifespan, and Harry is upset to realize that this means they will die.  Dumbledore tells Harry, "To one as young as you, I'm sure it seems incredible, but to Nicolas and Perenelle, it really is like going to bed after a very, very long day."  My mother was 91 and had a long, full life.  Her death was peaceful.  She was very tired in the last weeks of her life; she'd start to eat dinner but took no more than a few bites before she'd announce that she was sleepy and wanted to go to bed. I find it comforting to think that for her, dying was like falling asleep, and now she's in a sound, dreamless sleep.  There's nothing scary about sleep.

Knowing that she doesn't have to suffer anymore helps me.  She wasn't in pain, but in addition to the serious problems of poor vision and muscle weakness, she complained often of minor but very annoying discomforts:  a stuffy nose, what she called a "croggy" throat, constipation.  She was also very distressed about the fact that someone had to help her with even the simplest activities of life.  It makes me feel a bit better to know that those problems are over.  

One of the saddest parts of her death for me has been knowing she'll never see autumn leaves again, or sit back and enjoy a movie, or savor the taste of good food.  But I can take comfort in knowing that she won't have any worries, either.  I stew over problems both personal and worldwide.  Will I have enough money for my own old age?  Will climate change cause droughts and famine?  Will my day at work go okay tomorrow?  Will we ever get Trump out of the White House and into prison where he belongs?  My mother doesn't have to worry about any of that stuff!  For her, it all just went away.  The worst problems in the world are no longer a concern for her.

Because the last few years of her life were hard on both of us, I honestly expected her death to bring me more relief than it did.  There are things I'm relieved about:  no more trips to the emergency room because she fell, no more dealing with her dementia personality, no more money flying out the door because she moved to assisted living.  But I thought it would be a 50/50 split between grief and relief, and instead it's more like 90/10.  I have a constant ache in my heart that I didn't expect.  (Whoever came up with those terms really nailed it, didn't they?  Heartache.  Heartsick.  Heartbroken.  Heavy-hearted.  I know grief doesn't really originate in the heart, but it sure feels like it.)

I realized recently that if I could ask Mom, "Would you want me to be happy or miserable after your death?" she'd reply without hesitation, "Oh, sweetie pie, I want you to be happy!"  I have a tendency, when I find myself feeling a little better, to dredge up memories of events I'll never share with her again, as if I'm deliberately trying to make myself sad again.  It's as if I think I'm betraying her by being less depressed.  But she would want me to get past this and live my life the best I can.  Even though happiness is still in the distance, I know that I honor her wishes by reaching for whatever moments of happiness I can.  I'm trying to give myself permission to feel relief and happiness because that's what she would have wanted for me.

Well, those are my little tricks for feeling better.  I know that circumstances may be different for others and therefore not everything I said will be relevant to everyone.  I hope they will help some of you out there who are grieving.  If anyone else has suggestions for coping, please share them.  Maybe we can all help each other.

 

[Gem 27]

Thank you for this post Marbeth, it's so helpful to hear from others who understand the pain we're going through.

I agree with you that thinking how our loved one would want us to continue on without them is a comfort. It's really been the most helpful thing to me since my Dad died, hearing his voice in my head that I should stop grieving so much and to try to get back to living and trying to be happy again. I almost felt like I needed his permission to go on with living. And I know that is what he would want for me, no doubt in my mind

At first, I was so devastated and so afraid of losing my memories of my Dad, that I thought about him and how much I missed him just constantly. Like you said, it literally felt like my heart was breaking, or that I was losing my mind.

I had to eventually, and deliberately, not let my thoughts go there...at least for a while each day, I forced myself to think of other things, the pain was just too great. I imagined my Dad saying Stop that! if I began to dwell on his dying moments, and that really helped me.

Now that time has passed, I can think of him without falling apart, at least most of the time. I still have bad days, but they are fewer and farther between. 

Again, thanks for your post

 

[marbeth]

So very sorry about your dad.  I wish there were an answer for all of us that would just make everything better again, but of course there isn't.  Time does take the edge off, but in the meantime we just have to muddle through the best we can. 

[MyMocha]

Ty for this post so much! My mom died on November 29 and I have been bombarded with the religious views of comfort even from those who know I am not religious myself. Even got tagged in a post saying "sometimes god breaks your heart to save your soul". I felt so punched and even angry about that one. I didnt say anything. I know religion brings comfort to those who practice it but I just dont find it comforting for me personally. I just wanted to says thanks and I am sorry you lost your mom. It is a terrible loss. I miss my mom so much. :(

[marbeth]

I'm sorry for your loss as well.  I'm still struggling with what to say to those who attempt to console me with religious homilies.  Depending on the person and the circumstance, I might say, "That isn't my particular belief, but thank you for your thoughts," or just "That's a comforting thought" because it would be, if only it were true.  Other times I just smile and say "Thank you" because I know their heart is in the right place. 

Just the other day I had reason to email a former neighbor for another reason, and thought I should tell her about my mother's death since they had known one another before we moved from that neighborhood.  In her reply she expressed her sorrow for me and then went on for several sentences about how I'd see Mom again in heaven and in the meantime she (the neighbor) would pray for me.  I didn't correct her, because she's a sweet person who really cares, and that's what matters--although I admit there's a part of me that wants to argue.

I see you also lost a furry companion this year.  That's hard too.  I have had cats for the past couple of decades and it hurts so much when they reach the end of their lives.  I just try to remember--and it's true of people too--that what mattered was how they lived.  The cats I feel sorry for are the abused and the homeless.  My cats were well-fed and well-loved, so when they reached the end of their lives, they did so in an atmosphere of caring.  Just don't talk to me about the Rainbow Bridge!  Pretty poem, but I'm not buying it as reality anymore than I'm buying the whole heaven thing!

[MyMocha]

@marbeth ty for responding and also ty for your sentiments. Yes it has been a difficult year. Mocha died in January after 22.5 years of companionship and now my mother has passed in November.  I wish that i could buy into the "see them again idea" but it just doesn't seem like a reality to me. So death is final and incredibly sad.  No matter the relationship or how well someone spent their life, we always want another day. I only have a slight comfort knowing my mothers pain has ended. She will never suffer another day. She had a hard life from the start up to the end. Even though a lot of it was brought on herself it doesn't really help the situation.  I had hope until the day i was told she died that we would work it out somehow.  I have immense sadness about her dying thinking that I just didn't love her.  I loved her greatly. I just couldn't keep enduring all the chaos that surrounds an addict.  I can tell you now that I would take her madness if she was still alive. But I know that may just be the grief talking.  Enough of that though - yes my kitty was loved dearly and cared for to the best of my abilities.  Life is short for all of us. And i too often just say ty to those who offer their comfort in their ways but sometimes I feel angry about how dismissive loss seems when people say they are in a better place, ect. For me a better place would have been spending time together enjoying life.

[helloalice]

This post has made me feel much better about some frustrations I have! My Mom died in August and suffered terribly. So many people tell me that she’s in a better place and God is looking after her. He did a pretty rubbish job when she was alive so I certainly hope he isn’t looking after her! I much prefer the realist view that her life has finished and energy should be spent remembering what was rather than creating a fantasy. Thank you for sharing your views and helping me to realise that it isn’t just me being bombarded with afterlife cliche. I sincerely apologise for your loss