Loss of my dad

[Anon]

Hi everyone.

I hope you are well.

My father passed away a few months ago now (seems odd saying a few months ago...feels like yesterday) it was sudden and a big big shock considering he had been to the doctors in July/August regarding a few niggly issues. He had a brain stem stroke the first one and his only one. I was at work the day it happened and did not find out til later on that night after his friend went to check on him as we lived half an hour away.

It was just me and my pops for years and years due to family living far away and no one else really bothering with him. He lived alone due to his marriage to my mum breaking down in the late 90’s. We text and spoke near enough every day and I used to go and see him near enough every weekend sometimes with my other half and sometimes on my own.

I arranged his funeral and took care of all his paperwork and accounts, I am now in the process of clearing his home out. I honestly don’t know how I have coped. I have had to take time off from work and they are being so great about it. I always said if I ever had sick time it would be if something happened to my pops. I meant like an illness or if he had a fall and needed care to get back on his feet...not passing away suddenly and having to deal with his estate and his accounts. 

The sadness is still with me and I do cry every day but the crying periods are shorter in duration. I have been able to enjoy Halloween and bonfire night albeit emotional when I have been on my own away from my other half and friends. Sometimes I do sit and think my god I am actually lost...it’s a feeling so awful and something I have dreaded for years now. My dad was 71 and I am 29, yes he had me late in life so maybe that was a contributing factor to my anxiety about him dying when I am pretty young in my life. I found letters written from me at a young age expressing my fear of him leaving me (dying) maybe a result of my mum leaving the marriage; I don’t know. I think...maybe I have already done a lot of my “grieving” all the years I have been anxious about it happening so I have been able to continue and get things done and arranged etc? Or maybe once the house is cleared it will really hit me? As that is the last thing really to be done in this awful process? I know I am strong, I have had a lot to deal with in life but I don’t want a pity party. My dads story about his life showed me that he got through some terrible times and maybe that’s where I have my strength from knowing he would just keep plodding along? Therefore it’s almost been bred into me to do the same?

christmas is slowly approaching or should I say quickly! Time is flying yet standing still on odd days...I made Christmas all about my dad, roles reversed me bringing him presents and goodies and having dinner with him (basically spending all day) with him at his home. I am looking forward to it as I am an annoying Christmas fanatic but I think I will crash and burn on the actual day. 

Jsut needed a place to write something down I think! 

[reader]

Dear Anon,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. And that everything you are thinking and feeling is natural and normal. It is so hard. You were so close to your dad and trying to make his life as bright as possible. It is a terrible shock to lose a beloved parent. I too had the same fear about my dad. I don't think any of us are ever ready for that day.

Please know you can keep writing to us and we'll be with you.