My Loving Partner Died 5 days Ago and I can’t Breathe

[Vivace50494]

My loving partner of 25 years died suddenly five days ago after a brief hospitalization.  I have been shrouded in such pain and suffering it’s as if I can’t breathe. Neither of us had any famîly - just each other and that’s proving to be a difficult factor.  We were so content to be just with each other that we didn’t cultivate any friends.  Now I’m all alone and I’m so very frightened.   No family no friends.  I don’t know what to do.   He was also a self employed hairdresser and I helped him with his business.   He was pretty much the sole breadwinner.  I didn’t officially have a job and now I’m finding myself unemployed, too.  I was so foolish in the decisions I made.  What’s going to happen to me?   I’m not suicidal but I don’t want to live.   Please help me

[Sunshine247]

You have not been foolish so don't second guess yourself. A lot of us on here feel like we don't want to live from time to time either - I just went through a period of it this morning. Find a grief counselor - they can help you with not only your feelings, but also the next steps you need to take following your partner's passing. Take it a day - even an hour - at a time. Make lists of what needs to be done and try to accomplish just one thing a day. Put together a list of financial information - savings, potential income, bills that need to be paid. I am going through a similar situation. I haven't worked in 11 years, since my husband retired. He passed away October 4 and I am not eligible to collect his Social Security, so I have lost 2/3 of our income. We have some savings, so that is helpful now, but savings don't last forever if you are spending them and not saving them. Maybe finding a grief counseling group in your area would be helpful? You might meet some others in similar circumstances and not feel so alone. I will be attending my first session on Thursday and I must admit, I'm pretty nervous about it. This forum is very helpful and there are a number of people who are more experienced than I am that will have great support and advice for you. Do you have any pets? My two dogs and one cat keep me going many days and provide a lot of unconditional love and comfort. 

[Jamiei]

I’m so sorry, my heart breaks for you! My boyfriend and I had a house and split all the bills so I know it’s tough.  I have been working almost every day but you will find a way! Hopefully you can give yourself a little time, I went back to work 2 days after the funeral and it was the biggest mistake!  Take some time,  you need to grieve and then find your footing again! Again I am so sorry!

[widower2]

I'm very sorry for your loss. While finding a job is a top priority, getting some support is just as important, in a different way.  I would suggest looking for grief counseling in your area or areas nearby.......some places offer them for free (support groups etc).  As for friends, as a start you might try meetup.com (in fact I am about to post a thread on that subject).  It's basically a way to connect to people in your local area through various local "clubs" but not in the traditional sense; pls check the thread I'll create in a sec.

As for jobs, online searching is how it's done nowdays.  Check places like monster.com, careerbuilder.com etc.  Brush up that resume first though (there are many helpful articles online on how to do that).   I know, this is the last thing you want to deal with right now, but at some point obviously you'll need to.

I wish you the best of luck on this rocky path.  It's a cliche to say "take it a day at a time" but it's true.

 

[Moment2moment]

Vivace-

I understand some of what you feel though my life partner of 28 years did not die unexpectedly. She was sick for a few years then died after 5 months in hospice. Everyone knew we were a couple and I had a few friends that were supportive at the time, but after a while I found that most did not want to talk about it all a lot.

Because she was in hospice I had support from them afterward and that included access to a grief counselor and grief support group. Free!  I suggest that you check with hospice agencies in your area for help in finding a grief counselor. I go weekly and it helps to have someone who listens without judgment and understands the nature of grieving.

I had to find a job asap too! Her social security stopped of course and I had been a full time caregiver who could not work due to that role. I was a basket case but was able to get a job with very supportive people. It was hard to be plunged into a job in my grief but it turned into a godsend. It gets me out of the apartment and among people and pays the bills.

Keep coming here too. This is a very loving and accepting group. Hugs and prayers to you and remember to take it one minute at a time. That is the only way I can do this myself.

Love and prayers 

Lily Bell

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Vivace50494 said:

My loving partner of 25 years died suddenly five days ago after a brief hospitalization.  I have been shrouded in such pain and suffering it’s as if I can’t breathe. Neither of us had any famîly - just each other and that’s proving to be a difficult factor.  We were so content to be just with each other that we didn’t cultivate any friends.  Now I’m all alone and I’m so very frightened.   No family no friends.  I don’t know what to do.   He was also a self employed hairdresser and I helped him with his business.   He was pretty much the sole breadwinner.  I didn’t officially have a job and now I’m finding myself unemployed, too.  I was so foolish in the decisions I made.  What’s going to happen to me?   I’m not suicidal but I don’t want to live.   Please help me

I am so sorry for your loss.  To go through something of this magnitude and find yourself all alone can indeed feel very frightening.  You will get through this.  Breathe.  I felt the same way when my husband died, my anxiety was through the roof, I was employed but soon lost my job and it was during the recession, no one wanted to hire someone my age.  I owed out $72,000 for his hospital, doctor, ambulance bills and his car and had $120 in the checking.  I can tell you it's been over 13 years, I've never missed a meal, and still have a roof over my head.  All of our friends disappeared on us.  I had to rewrite my address book.

I wrote this article on what I've learned in the years since that has helped me...I hope something in it will help you.  It's made to print out and read every few months as some things won't resonate with you right now but may later on in your grief journey.  It's too much to assimilate all at once, but it might give you some ideas of where to turn.  I also want to point out that it might be of help to see a guidance counselor at a college, they might be able to give you some direction to start for supporting yourself, or the unemployment office, and if you're old enough, adult and senior services.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.