My husband passed away how do I cope

[annabcamp]

My husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly March 28, 2018. I still cry every day.  I dont know how to cope. Ive lost 20 pounds, I needed to lose some weight but I would rather be fat and have my husband. I dont enjoy anything anymore, food, my job, shopping. I just wish I had died too. I'm NOT suicidal but I wish I was dead so I could be with him. I am so sad, lonely and tired.

I have tried books, websites but nothing seems to help. I'm hoping this group will help me.

Thanks

[Lost6263]

2 hours ago, annabcamp said:

My husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly March 28, 2018. I still cry every day.  I dont know how to cope. Ive lost 20 pounds, I needed to lose some weight but I would rather be fat and have my husband. I dont enjoy anything anymore, food, my job, shopping. I just wish I had died too. I'm NOT suicidal but I wish I was dead so I could be with him. I am so sad, lonely and tired.

I have tried books, websites but nothing seems to help. I'm hoping this group will help me.

Thanks

I lost my husband in feb suddenly as well. We were together for 11 years, he was my rock. I'm so lost without him. I don't enjoy anything anymore and I try to stay away from people in general. I try to focus on staying busy, helping my mother in law, taking care of our 3 dogs, doing things around the house. I see a therapist which has been helping. I try to focus on my breathing, taking long walks with our dogs, and trying to not think to far in the future Andy focus on what I am doing at this very minute. Have you thought about going to a therapist? I'm tired all the time too, and I wish people would just leave me alone. Just reading posts on here from others has helped me...knowing I'm not the only one feeling so horrible. I hope it helps you and many are willing to give advice....KayC being a very good resource on here for help. Please hang in there.

[Sunshine247]

My husband just passed away on October 4 from prostate cancer - he had gone through treatments for 2 1/2 years and was doing really well up until May of this year, and had a bad reaction to a clinical trial study drug but was still doing well until the middle of September - within two weeks, he was gone. Never went into hospice or anything. It wasn't unexpected but it was sooner than we thought it would be. I have learned to just take it one day at a time - just make it through that day - even that hour. I meditate and do a gratitude practice and try to focus on the blessings in my life and the wonderful life that we had together and when I am able to do that, it does help - it's getting to that point of being able to do that and not just roll up into a ball and cry and spend the day in bed that is the hard part. There are good days (today) and bad days (over the weekend) and really bad days (Saturday especially for me) but we go on. I agree with finding a therapist or a grief counselor. I have been using a grief counseling hotline (if that's what you want to call it) and being here and I have an appointment with a counselor for next week and am going to attend my first grief counseling group meeting on Thursday. I'm not looking forward to either of those but if it will help take this pain away, then it is worth it. I too am lost and feel like I have no reason to live but I have two dogs and a cat that need me and they keep me going. KayC has written an article on grieving - it's very helpful and I'm sure she will share it with you. Try to keep yourself busy with projects, no matter how mundane - it is something to keep your mind and hands busy and your thoughts occupied. I have a strong faith so I will pray that God will help me and carry me and give me strength and fill me with love and I pray that Bob (my husband) will do the same. I still talk to him and tell him updates on what is going on in the world, with friends, gossip, etc. which might seem like I'm nuts, but if it works for me, who cares? It's not hurting anyone. One of the hardest things for me was going to the grocery store - I was the caregiver for my husband for the past two or three months of his life and would buy things for him that I don't buy any more, but walking past them makes me sad. Yogurt - I can't stand it but he loved it. Simple, small stuff like that. Just know that this is a great place to come and vent and to find solace and support. We're all on this journey together and it's one that none of us asked for. And try to remember that your husband never wanted to leave - he misses you as much as you miss him. He is and always will be with you. 

[KayC]

I'm so sorry for your loss...you are at one of the hardest parts of your journey right now, it's around six months give or take.  It's when the shock wears off, support dries up, and reality sets in, and it hits full force.  I wrote an article on what I've found that has helped me over the years and I hope you'll find something of help in it for you.  It helps to print it out and read it every few months as our grief is every evolving and different things will hit you at different parts of your journey.  Some things you may not relate to right now but may later on.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[annabcamp]

Thank you for your posts. I try to stay busy. when I'm driving or late in the evening the sadness is like a tidal wave. I cry and fight my way to the surface only to be cast down again. Tom and I were married 26 years and we did everything together and I'm just lost without him. 

Kayc I found your post and decided to sign up. Sometimes I'm afraid to talk to my friends because I think they must be so tired of listening to me. Do ya'll ever feel that way?

 

[Sunshine247]

Annabcamp - I feel that way. I don't want people to get to the point where they are burdened by me or tired of listening to me or hearing me cry. That's why we are all here. We get it and we understand and we are all here with open arms, hearts and ears. My husband and I were married 22 years, together 24 and we also did EVERYTHING together. We don't have kids, by choice - we always had each other. And we lived a remarkable life, in San Francisco and Akumal, Mexico - so everything or anything in front of me will never compare. We're all lost here. Clapping for Tinkerbell isn't going to help. Mornings are the worst time for me. Just facing the day. It's only been five weeks, almost six, since Bob went up. I can't tell you that it will get better from experience, because it hasn't so far for me - last week it got worse (you can find that post - Feeling Abandoned). But others have told me that it does get better, you do learn to live with it, and that life will go on. Just do it at your own pace. And come here when you need a shoulder, an ear, a hand, a hug. 

Wishing you the best today. Just get through today. My new mantra. Even if you have to take it just an hour at a time. Big hugs.

[Jamiei]

Annabcamp..... I’m so very sorry for your loss!  My boyfriend died suddenly February 1st while we were hiking! He was completely fine 5 minutes before he died! This road is so hard and yes very lonely! It helps to talk to people on here, they  know how your feeling! 

[annabcamp]

Thank you so much ladies. I think this site is really going to help me. Its good to be able to say how I feel , even if it sounds crazy or terrible.  I can' tell my Mom or sister that I wish I was dead too because that would scare them. I'm not suicidal and would never hurt myself but i think it would make them worry.   Our 27th anniversary is next week on the 21st. 

I pray God will give you comfort and peace. Thank you Jamiei and Sunshine 247. I am sorry for your loss but I know our husbands/boyfriends are watching over us.

[KayC]

This is the place where others have been through it, "get it", and understand.  When you don't want to unburden yourself to friends or family, or feel they don't understand, come here.  There's nearly always one of us on line, listening and if not, we'll be here shortly.

[HPB]

23 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

together 24 and we also did EVERYTHING together. We don't have kids, by choice - we always had each other. And we lived a remarkable life

 

On 11/13/2018 at 8:24 AM, Sunshine247 said:

I too am lost and feel like I have no reason to live but I have two dogs and a cat that need me and they keep me going.

I can understand you 100%     ...and I'm also in the very same situation!

   ....Wait!         I have no dogs, no cat...

[Sunshine247]

@Jamiei - Bob loved to hike. I have bad knees so we didn't go as much as he would have wanted or did before we met. I hope that Bob and your boyfriend are on one of the best hikes together ever. They will never leave us, but they can show us the way. Sending love and hugs. Hope you are doing well today.

@annabcamp - hope you are doing well today too. Find ONE thing for which to be grateful. It will help. There is a difference between feeling suicidal and not feeling like living. Stay strong. Baby steps, one day at a time. Sending love and hugs.

@HPB - I can get you a dog or a cat!  I have friends who work in animal rescue in Bosnia, Finland, Scotland, Great Britian. I'm sure I can find someone in Switzerland if I try  Have a good day. Sending love and hugs. 

[KayC]

@annabcamp  Sunshine is right...look for something good in each day no matter how small, nothing is too insignificant to count.  I started practicing this on day eleven of my journey...I found a refrigerator magnet, I think God used the dragonfly on it to get my attention, it said, "Find Joy in every day", I bought it and every day I look for joy, nothing too tiny to count...a stranger letting me merge in traffic, a phone call from a sister or friend, a smile from someone, a puppy's kiss, seeing a deer or elk...the list goes on.  I've learned to live in the present moment so I don't miss what IS here for me...besides I can't handle "the rest of my life", it's too much, I can only handle now, right now, this moment.  (((hugs)))

@HPB  Ohoh, puppy on the way, run and hide!    I believe Sunshine can make good on that!  Actually, getting my dog from rescue ten years ago saved me!  Not to mention this cranky 23 year old cat that I've grown rather fond of.  They are my family now.

[annabcamp]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

KayC 

It's funny you mentioned a dragonfly. I asked my husband to send me a sign that he is at peace, something unusual I don't see every day. A few minutes later a huge dragonfly flew right in front of me. I don't see a lot of dragonflies. Since then i see them everywhere i go. 

I hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving.

Anna

 

 

[KayC]

I'm glad you got that sign, I believe they're meant to send us peace.

[Sunshine247]

@annabcamp Bob loved hummingbirds. They were his favorite. He was always buying me presents with hummingbirds - the last present that he got for me was a copper hummingbird spinner for my birthday in March. I also ask him from time to time to send me a sign, and the other day a hummingbird came out of nowhere and flew right up INTO my face - so close that I was staring it in the eyes. It stunned me for a minute but then I started laughing - how could I be scared of something so sweet and little? I filled up the hummingbird feeder with sugar water - Bob was the one who took care of it so it has been empty for a while - and within about ten minutes, there were four hummingbirds there! 

In almost every part of the world, the Dragonfly symbolizes change, transformation, adaptability, and self-realization. The change that is often referred to has its source in mental and emotional maturity and understanding the deeper meaning of life.

From my favorite poem: We cannot see beyond, but this I know - I love you so, t'was heaven here with you!

 

love and hugs.

 

[KayC]

Hummingbirds were always special to us.  We had a hummingbird feeder amidst our hanging planters that streamed our 30' patio, and we'd sit in the porch swing and watch them.  Pansies were also special to us, he called them the smiling flower.  Our patio is up on a hill, about 10' up...at my one year mark I found a pansy growing beneath the corner of the patio.  Pansies aren't known to survive the snow laden winter, I've never had one appear like that before or since!  I believe it was George's sign to me, he's still with me.

[ForgetMeNot150]

@KayC

Like your pansies, I found a clump of Forgetmenots growing in the middle of one of my flower beds a week after Craig died (hence my name on here). We used to have them growing in the garden when we first moved in and it was all overgrown, but I hadn't seen them for years and definitely not in a big clump like that. So to me that was a sign and I left them there so I can smile every time I walk through the garden. They will probably start taking over the bed, and I will have to tell him off for making my garden messy!!

[Nely]

On 11/13/2018 at 2:12 AM, annabcamp said:

My husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly March 28, 2018. I still cry every day.  I dont know how to cope. Ive lost 20 pounds, I needed to lose some weight but I would rather be fat and have my husband. I dont enjoy anything anymore, food, my job, shopping. I just wish I had died too. I'm NOT suicidal but I wish I was dead so I could be with him. I am so sad, lonely and tired.

I have tried books, websites but nothing seems to help. I'm hoping this group will help me.

  Thanks

@annabcamp I am sorry for your loss. I can tell you that I know how you feel because I am also on this terrible journey. I believe you will be greatly helped being here. Earlier on, ( it's been 7months but just like yesterday) when this whole loss was so raw and I felt l was going insane, literally because I could hardly function. I wasn't able to eat, move around, relate with the outside world... I started searching the internet to see if I can find help somehow and I'm glad I found this place

The people here are so wonderful and understanding. You will never be judged about your feelings. This is one place you can safely pour your heart out.

Personally, I also interact through personal messages with a wonderful lady that I met here. To be honest, she has helped me greatly. We find common grounds on most things, relationship with our spouses, our feelings, spiritual life,  so it was easy to bond.

Bottom line, I can categorically tell you that this platform will help you on this journey because people who are here are people that REALLY UNDERSTAND.

I wish you all the strength that you require on this journey.

[ModKatB]

@annabcamp I am sorry for your loss. This journey is hard but you are not alone. I think you will find that this is a wonderful compassionate group of people here. I found this forum late one night when I was at a very low point and there were so many willing to listen to me and not judge me. It was a blessing for me then and still is today.

[Sunshine247]

We have all been fortunate to have found this forum and each other. As one of my friends from college told me - this is not a club that she would wish anyone to join. But, a club it is, and we are all here to support each other and offer advice and comfort and share experiences and suggestions of what works. I check in here every morning - mornings are the worst for me - and being here and reading posts definitely helps me feel better and enable me to get on with my day. 

Sending strength and love and healing and comfort to all of you.

[annabcamp]

On 11/15/2018 at 8:49 AM, KayC said:

What a blessing it is to have found this group. It is a comfort to be able to talk to people that really understand how I feel. I'm dreding the holidays,  I just miss Tom so much. I honestly wish I could just sleep until January.  I don't even want to be around family members. I just want to lock the doors and sit in the dark.  I'm just so sad........

Happy Thanksgiving everyone

 

 

 

[Sunshine247]

@annabcamp - it's easy to think right now that we don't have anything to be thankful for, but we do.

We have known the love of a lifetime. We have been able to share the years that we had with our very favorite person on earth. We've made wonderful memories, happy lives. Even in the not so good times, we stuck together. 

So, treasure your memories and your love and let them give you strength and pull you through the next month or so. Don't be sad that it ended, be glad that it happened. Easier said than done, but wise advice from Dr. Seuss. 

Sending love and hugs and strength. 

[KayC]

What Sunshine said has a degree of truth in it...it is our focus, our attitude that helps our resilience, so being glad we had them in our life rather than merely lamenting they're gone (which of course we're going to do too) is a positive focus.

Here you have found a place you can come to and give pen to your thoughts and feelings and know you are heard and understood, that there are others traveling down the same road, struggling with the same things you are, and that we're in this together, whether it just happened or it's been ten years or what...it's a lifelong journey we're traveling, just trying to figure out the best way to get through this...