My husband passed away and I can't cry. Why not?

[kdavis1163]

My husband of 20 years, David, passed away on Nov 3, 2018.  He was in a catastrophic car accident on Oct. 26th.  I removed him from life support on Nov 3rd.  He was my world. He was my rock. He took care of me. He was so loved by so many.  I never, ever imagined my self without him, but here I am.  He hasn't been in our house since the early morning of Oct 26th.  

But I have not cried.  Pretty much at all.  Everyone kept saying I was in shock and operating on pure adrenaline.  But I thought after the funeral, I would probably have a major breakdown.  But I haven't. And I'm kind of getting worried about myself. I am bipolar, and normally something like this would have sent me orbit with tears. I cry at commercials!  But yet I cannot shed one tear for my loss yet.  I just kind of feel like a bag of wet cement, with a giant gaping hole through it.  I feel empty. My entire body feels empty.  When will I cry? 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  While it may be true that you could still be in shock, not everyone responds the same.  I have a close friend that lost her lifelong husband two years ago...she still has not cried.  

I don't view it as concerning if someone doesn't cry as a response, so long as they are not STOPPING themselves from crying.  As long as you give yourself time every day to think about him, to acknowledge your loss and the changes it means to your life you are allowing yourself the grief process.  There is much we can do to help ourselves process our grief.  One way is by coming here, reading the posts and posting our thoughts and feelings.  This gives you a chance to be heard, acknowledged, understood, and it feels validating of our grief.  Other things we can do to help ourselves process our grief is reading grief books and articles and learning about grief and what is going on within us.  We can see a grief counselor who can help us chart this new territory.  We can attend a grief support group and know our feelings are normal for grief and we are not alone in how we are feeling.

Your grief is unique and although there will be similarities to other's journeys, it will also be unique, just as YOU are unique, your relationship is unique, and thus your loss also.

Lack of tears does NOT mean you do not mourn him.  it does not mean you do not miss him.  You will miss him profoundly the rest of your life.  

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/07/in-grief-when-tears-wont-come_14.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

I wrote this article of what I've learned has helped me in the years since my husband's death.  I hope something in it will be of help to you.  It's intended to print it out and read it every few months as different things will hit you at different times...our grief journey is ever evolving.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Moment2moment]

I know it seems odd but I went through something similar when my partner died in May. She was in hospice for 5 months, and I watched her decline all that time, but even then when she died I just went numb. I stayed that way and was hopped up on adrenaline I guess as the reality gradually began to set in. And I still have many moments when I can't grasp that reality but now, when I least expect it, something will trigger an emotion or thought and I will sob. Just sob.

Don't try to expect anything particular in this grieving. I think our minds and hearts are just trying to protect us. Everyone is different. Just be ok with your emotions and let them do what is natural for you.

I am so sorry for your loss. We are all with you and support you. I lurked here almost 6 months before I posted and it helped me so much. Take care-

[kdavis1163]

I think maybe I am keeping myself from grieving.  I am constantly busy from the moment I get up till I go to sleep, I am keeping my mind occupied with other things.  When the weight of the grief starts to get too heavy, I just do something else to take my mind off.  I am seeing my therapist tomorrow, and I am so glad.  When my father died 30 years ago, i had no problem crying and grieving.  So this has come as a shock to me, that i am NOT crying.  Sometime soon, I hope to go to a support group. 

[KayC]

When you use activity as avoidance, it's good to set aside 1/2 hour every day to stop and think about him, let yourself feel your pain, it's part of the healing process.  It's okay to feel sad, to miss him, to cry.  Maybe you feel if you start you'll never stop.  

[widower2]

I think you answered your own question:  you feel empty.  You are probably still numb.  Bottom line:  don't worry about "the right way to grieve."  There's no such thing.  Let your grief be whatever it is and know it's OK.  You are grieving in your own way and that's how it should be.

[Jamiei]

You will eventually!!! I go back over that day on the mountains when Dewayne had a heart attack and I remember just sitting there! They put him in a body bag and airlifted him off the mountain and I just sat there for an hour! For days and weeks I went through emotions! I remember thinking what’s wrong with me! But the shock wears off, it takes awhile! But trust me tears will come unfortunately.

[kdavis1163]

My husband has been gone now 4 weeks today.  I still cannot cry.  I still have no emotions whatsoever, about anything.  My neighbor committed suicide last night; her husband died one year ago.  This didn't even phase me.  I recognized it as a suicide call because my father killed himself 30 years ago, and I remember all the police who came, with no lights or sirens, and an ambulance that left with no one.  Of course I feel horrible that she did this, and normally it would make me cry like a baby.  But no.  Nothing.   I feel like less of a wife for not mourning my husband.  I feel horrible that I cannot cry.  I TRY to cry, and i cannot.  I just feel empty and alone, but perhaps not totally aware yet of just what I have lost.  

[ModHerc]

@kdavis1163,

I am so sorry for you and your wonderful David.  It sounds as though you shared a life filled with love and contentment.  Tears may or may not come in time, you are doing nothing wrong.  You are dealing with your grief in the only way you can at the moment.  I am also sorry about your neighbor and your father.  I am sure those have been traumatic for you as well.  Did you get to see your therapist or find a support group yet?

[crackerjack4u]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Tears may or may not come, and either way it is alright. Don't try to force them they will come, or they will not and which ever way it happens is how your grieving process is suppose to occur.    We all grieve differently, and it's possible that you have shut your emotions off at the moment to protect yourself. It sounds like you are using distraction and staying busy to try to block the pain.  Loss of such a special person in our life initially causes us to go into shock, go completely numb, and then we have to go through all the steps of the grieving process-The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The stages may not occur in order, and the stages can last for months or years after we lose a loved one.  Often times when we get through one or 2 steps we will again go through those steps again, instead of moving on to the next step in the process. Until we get through all the steps our grieving process it will continue. 

My husband passed away 38 days ago, and it still today feels like it's not real.  Realistically I know he's gone, but mentally, and emotionally I refuse to allow myself to really believe it-I suspect this is in order to protect myself.  Losing him has drained me of everything at the moment, my true emotions and feelings, my ability to be truly emotionally available, my ability to sleep, my ability to eat, and has completely drained all of my  body's energy.  So with all that already going on there isn't space, or strength enough in me at the moment to allow the real reality to come through, but there's no doubt that it will all come flooding through in time (In what ways I do Not know yet, only time will tell).  

So don't be hard on yourself because you haven't cried.  This is your journey, and it will occur in its own way. Do, however, make a point of thinking about the loss, and try to not completely block it out with other distractions in order for your stages of the grief process to be able to be worked through.  Hugs and Love.     

  

          

[KayC]

21 hours ago, kdavis1163 said:

I feel like less of a wife for not mourning my husband.  I feel horrible that I cannot cry.  I TRY to cry, and i cannot.  I just feel empty and alone, but perhaps not totally aware yet of just what I have lost.  

My dear, you ARE mourning!  Sometimes the shock is so great and it creates a huge vacuum, a void in us, we feel numb.  Please don't put so much emphasis on crying.  Not everyone cries!  You might have cried at a stupid movie before, now you're finding yourself unable to cry over the biggest thing that's affected you in your life.  I wish you could cry so you could have that release, but it is nothing to strain for or worry about.  It will happen, or it won't.  I have a friend who lost her husband of 60 years or so two years ago in August.  She still has not cried.  He was her one and only, ever.  She's had grief counseling, goes to my grief support group, has been to another one as well.  No tears.  It's okay.  Your body will respond the way it deems fit. 

You are NOT less of a wife!  One has nothing to do with the other.  It's simply a bodily response, not to be coveted, not to be held back.  If you feel the tears coming, cry, otherwise, accept what is.  Everyone is unique in how they cope and respond in this grief journey.  We have some similarities, enough to relate, we have some differences, enough to know this is OUR journey.  

The important thing is to be understanding and patient with yourself.  Take care of yourself.  Listen to yourself.  Love yourself.  Now you have to do so doubly.  That's something I had to learn.

And if you ever smile or laugh, don't stop yourself or feel guilty for it.  Give yourself permission to.  Everything is normal in grief.