Feeling abandoned

[Sunshine247]

My family is next to worthless. They have never made any effort to be a part of my life - a large part of that is that Bob and I lived in San Francisco without any kids, and they are all on the East Coast. My brother and sister in law and two nieces moved to San Diego area in 2005 - my parents managed to come out and visit them a couple of times a year. My parents visited us three times in the 22 years that I lived in San Francisco. We did all of the traveling to visit. I get it that they have kids and budgets and it's easier for the two of us to fly to visit them than trundling them all on a plane to go cross country. I get it. But the oldest kid is 31 now and my sister has still only visited me once in San Francisco, when I lived there just six months and my mother flew her and my nephew out to see me. My brother and his family have been wonderful but his daughters are 18, 16 and 10 and they are young and don't need to be dealing with a crying, sad aunt. I go down to their house - we bought a house four doors away, but that's another story for another time - to cheer myself up or when I am feeling lonely but they have their own lives going on, the girls are teenagers doing teenage things, like working or hanging out with friends, or texting or playing video games - there is only so much Minecraft that I can watch without getting motion sickness. I am feeling especially lonely the past few days. My sisters and my mother went to Little Rock for Bob's memorial service there last weekend - that is where his family is and it was, once again, easier to take the show on the road to THEM than for any of them to come here. And since we don't have any network, or friends or family other than my brother, there is no point in having any kind of service here. I have two sisters - one sister's husband and her daughter came - her son wasn't able to come. He is in college in Michigan. And I was fine with that - I understood. My other sister at first told me that her husband - who is one of my best friends since high school - that's how they met, I introduced them - and their youngest son were going to come, but then told me that they weren't going to be able to come because the son couldn't get time off from work. He's 28 and autistic and works at a WalMart. He had a seizure about a month ago and fell face first onto the floor - he is 6'4" and 250 lbs. - and broke his nose. He took time off from work while that was healing, and then another week following a procedure to set his nose back and realign it. He also has anxiety and takes his work and duties very seriously. So I GET IT that he can't get time off - I completely understood, and while I was disappointed that my brother in law wouldn't be there - because he and I are extremely close, he is more like an older brother to me, even though I am a year and a half older than he and my sister - and he and Bob were really good friends. The Bob and Rob Show is what they called it. But my nephew can't stay home alone and they, understandably, are concerned about leaving him alone in case of another seizure - when he had his nose procedure, my mother went up and stayed with him - not that she could do much, but she could call 911. Anyway - they all went to the memorial and we had a nice weekend and it was good to be with them and also to see Bob's family - his brother and niece came, and a lot of his cousins - he has about 100 - and some of his closest friends, especially his best friend from growing up. A neighbor of ours from growing up came up from Dallas with her husband too, but that's another story for another time too. Anyway - the weekend went well - although quickly - they all flew in on Friday and out Sunday morning, left on Sunday without saying goodbye because they had early morning flights and didn't want to wake me up and let me sleep in - although I was up at 6 waiting to hear from them to go say goodbye. I stayed along on Sunday just to unwind and thought I'd get to watch the Steelers, but ended up with the Browns instead. Bob's best friend and his wife came and met me for happy hour and we had dinner together and that was a wonderful time. His friend's wife's husband passed away from head and throat cancer 11 years ago and she had some good advice for me and words of encouragement - it does get better has become my new mantra. (And honestly, I don't know how it could get much worse right now.) I flew back to San Diego on Monday and settled back into my routine of being lost and missing Bob on Tuesday morning. I check Facebook every morning - mostly to stay in touch with friends - I am BLESSED beyond belief to have a large group of friends who are so loving and supportive and who check in with me almost daily - and to also see what is going on in the world. But - all of my friends are all over. Some of them are in Mexico where we lived. One is in Maryland. One is in Vancouver. One is in Portland. So none of them are CLOSE to me - my best friend is in LA but has a busy schedule so I don't see her much. So one of the first posts that I saw on Tuesday was from my nephew, the one who wasn't able to come to the memorial service because he couldn't get time off work - that he is on a plane with his parents and his father's brother and his wife, headed to Turks Caicos for a week. I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart. It was like this huge slap in my face. He can't take time off work to come to his uncle's memorial service, but he can go vacation for a week in the island with another uncle? I called my mother and told her how much that hurt me and she told me that they had planned this trip months ago, it was paid for, it had been scheduled and my nephew had already gotten the time off approved and they wouldn't give him the time off for the service - told him if he took time for that, he would have to give up some of the time for this trip. And guess what? I GET THAT TOO. But why couldn't my family just tell me the TRUTH? Am I wrong to be upset? At this point, I don't really care - I am and I am going through enough right now that if I tell someone that they hurt me, their first words should be - I'm sorry - not try to justify it, rationalize it, defend the actions - which is what both my mother and other sister did. I think if they didn't think that they were doing something wrong, they wouldn't have lied about it. They jsut would have told me - sorry, we can't come, we have this other trip already scheduled and Ryan can only get four days off work. Or whatever. But covering it up, to me, implies guilt. My other sister actually started attacking my brother and his wife - whom she despises, and again, another story for another time - because they didn't go to the memorial in Arkansas either and why wasn't I mad at them? Because they told me honestly and up front that they couldn't get time off work, there was expense involved - they have one daughter in college and another headed there in a year and a half - and they are going to the memorial service in San Francisco in December. PLUS - they have been here for me on an almost DAILY basis for the past 2 1/2 years while Bob has gone through treatment - my brother was driving Bob to the hospital to have his port put in while I was still in Mexico waiting to get back up here. My brother in law's brother and sister in law had to go up to their house to leave from the airport - they could have gone up a few days early, stayed with our nephew so that my brother in law could have come to the service - but none of my brother in law's family does anything for anyone except themselves. Anyway, I am just so hurt. I called my grief counseling hotline and they told me that I need to tell the people who have upset me that they upset me and why. So I did. With a lot of crying, which turned into screaming - and yes, I am dealing with the Anger Stage of grieving - and there are family issues and dynamics that are rearing their ugly heads - my mother decided now was a good time to remind me that I had used my sister's credit card to buy skis - THIRTY FOUR YEARS AGO. Forget the fact that I paid off skis on her credit card, that she had TOLD me that I could use the credit card, and that she - and I - had both forgotten about it. But my mother likes to hold onto grudges and throw them back in my face any chance she gets. So now I have lost pretty much all of my family support. I'm not going to call them just to be hurt again. I don't really feel comfortable talking on the grief hotline - it's a different person every time and I just feel like I am repeating myself and not really getting anywhere. There is a grief counseling group in my area, at a church, but it only meets on Thursday afternoons, so I still have four days before I can go to that and it will be my first time and I am not good at doing things like that. I'm a pretty outgoing person, an extrovert, but things like that, I just crawl inside a shell. So I'm here, venting and typing and appreciating anyone who has taken the time and patience to read this far. I am trying to give myself one project each day to do around the house - I don't work - just to keep myself busy and to take my mind off of being here alone and having to start a complete new life over. Bob and I lived the dream life and I will never have anything that good ever again. I don't feel suicidal (don't worry) but I also don't have much, if anything, to look forward to. I've talked to some friends but I feel like I'm a burden and they are going to get tired of me just calling and crying. My best friend had to evacuate from the fires near Los Angeles - she could see them from her living room - and I told her to come down here with her husband and dogs and cat and she told me she is at another friend's house that is only half an hour away, but thanks. I don't have the heart or the courage to tell her that I really NEED her down here with me right now - she is dealing with enough. Another good friend is in Puerto Vallarta with her daughter, who is 22, and she told me to just jump on a plane and come down, but I can't just leave my dogs and cat and I have things here that I need to take care, legal and financial stuff, and I meet with a lawyer on Wednesday and it has taken a month to get this appointment and I can't wait another month because things have to be filed within a time frame and I don't want to miss that. Anyway, thanks for listening. It has helped me to just be able to get this out and to vent. This just makes me miss Bob even more, if that is possible, because any time I have problems with my family - which is pretty much any time I have anything to do with them - he was always the one who comforted me and he WAS my family - I knew that I had unconditional, unending love from him and I really just need him right now. I am trying to tell myself - just get through today - but this is the sixth day of feeling like **** and not having anyone who cares enough about me to tell me the truth about why they were missing my husband's memorial. BTW - my sister has two sons - the older one lives in Charleston, SC and couldn't come to the memorial either. He is 31 and I have not heard one word from him about Bob's passing - nothing. So, it's not me - my family is screwed up and maybe it is better that I not associate with them. I think I am going to go call a friend and just talk but thanks for reading and listening and any and all suggestions or advice are welcome. I hope you all have a good Sunday. Big hugs.

[Marcel]

You're obviously very upset. Having a seemingly large familiy and noticing how little support they provide is certainly disappointing. But there are a few people left who are supportive and that's more than a lot of us can say for themselves. There were about 60 people at my wife's memorial service. Her previous husband visited me once shortly after. Her father dropped in occasionally for some time. I never heard from all the other friends and relatives again.
So I have my parents, my daugther and my best friend as the only people left to talk to.
My advice would be to stay close to the few who are still keeping in touch, even if it's only via phone or the web. Don't worry about the others. Let them come to you if they want to, if not then don't fret about it. You have to look out for what's best for you and angry arguments with relatives or assumed friends are not part of it.
Hang in there and come back to vent if you need to.

[KayC]

I just finished reading your post, you must have posted after I'd been and gone yesterday, so I'm sorry you had to wait so long for a response, Marcel was responding while I was still reading.  

It's very disappointing when friends or family are not there for us when we most need them, especially when we know we'd be there for them in a heartbeat and have been.  My two best friends when George died, both lived in the same town as me, one I even worked with, they did not bother coming to his memorial, pure selfishness, they had no reasons or excuses.  One made plans to go to the coast AFTER he died, choosing not to go to his service.  The other came up with the lame excuse she thought my neighbor would be there (she wasn't) and she didn't like her.  Really?!!!  That's pretty lame.  George was one of 11 kids, out of them three came, even though only one lived too far to drive and one had passed previously.  That still left eight that could have come.  His own father was only two hours away and turned down his sons and daughter's offer to drive him to the service.  All of his family went dark on me after this so I've had no contact except a rare FB comment from one of his grown kids.

I've found this isn't uncommon.  At least half of us have had our address books rewritten by family or friends not being there for us during our time of loss.  It definitely teaches you what to do, what NOT to do, during death/loss that others go through in the future. We can chalk it up to they don't know, haven't been through it, etc., but common sense tells you that it's callous to ditch someone who lost their spouse, rendering their loss all the more so!

Some choose to forgive and get past it.  For myself, I can forgive but not overlook.  That they did that whether from selfishness or ignorance does not excuse it or make it okay in my books.  I choose to have friends/family that are THERE for me, just as I'd be there for them.  
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
 

As for the "anger stage"...I want to point out that Kubler-Ross' book was written for  someone facing their own medical termination, not for those of us experiencing loss due to someone's death.  We are ultra sensitive when we're going through a profound loss, as it calls upon everything within us just to withstand this!  All of the emotions we experience can be in a particular order or not, or simultaneously even when seemingly conflicting emotion...and all of them very valid.  It takes everything within us just to survive.

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/6151-grief-group-meeting-tonight/?tab=comments#comment-48650
https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/6873-stages-of-grief/?tab=comments#comment-55904

I am so sorry you don't have a close friend living near you that can be there for you in a tangible way, that is very hard.  My daughter moved home temporarily when my George died and I don't know what I'd have done without her...but she soon went back to her life, naturally, and I was left on my own dealing with the changes in my life due to his being gone.  Our society, unfortunately, does not recognize that this grief is forever, albeit continually evolving and changing, and that this is not something you get over in a month or even a year.  We do eventually learn to adjust and live with these changes, but I can tell you, it's been the hardest challenge of my entire life and it's unending.

I'm glad you're going to try a grief support group...I hope you'll give it a couple of tries and if it's not a good fit, do try out another one.  But I urge you to also seek grief counseling from a professional grief counselor.  One does not replace the other but serves different purpose.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html
 

Finally, I want to leave you with this article on the grief process.  When we are new to grief, we know little what to expect or how to maneuver, and it helps to know that our feelings and responses are totally normal.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

Most of all, I'm very glad you are HERE...this is one place we can pour out our soul and know there is someone somewhere listening, understanding and caring.  We do.  We get it.  We're here.

[Sunshine247]

Thank you Marcel and KayC for your kind responses. They help. I have friends who have told me - if you need something, let me know. So, I did. As I might have mentioned, my best friend, who ALWAYS talks me off the ledge - and I her - is in the middle of the fires near LA right now and it's kind of not the best time for me to be texting her about my mother and family - we even have a joke - we just text - Play Tape #4 or whatever, and we know what the complaint is about  One of my other best friends texted me this morning, to see how I was doing - telling me that she had a feeling that I was not doing too well - I had not said anything to her or hinted on Facebook or anything. She and I texted back and forth for over an hour - and it made me feel better. She lost her mother quickly to pancreatic cancer in 2016 - her mother passed on New Year's Day 2017, after being diagnosed in just May of 2016 - same time Bob was diagnosed with prostate cancer. So she understands what I have gone through. I also read some of the grief books that I have and I have two books on daily meditations for dealing with grief - one is for any kind of grief - death, divorce, loss of a pet - the other is specifically for women whose husbands have passed away. (I refuse to refer to myself as a widow. To me, I'm still married - my husband is just somewhere else now. This mindset might change but for now, that's how it is. It's only been a month.) One of the meditations that I read this morning said that when feeling at rock bottom, to sit and meditate or pray or whatever you believe in, and let your heart be filled with love, from whatever source you choose. I have a strong faith in God, I'm just not religious, as in attanding church services. So, first I prayed to God to fill me with love and strength and comfort, and then I asked Bob (who I realize is NOT God, but I believe in praying to spirits too) to fill me with his love, and to help me through this time and to comfort me now the same way that he would if here were physically here. And it worked. I did feel get a sense of peace and calmness. Maybe it was just breathing and concentrating. Maybe it was powers beyond us at work. I don't know but it helped me so it might help some of you too. So, for now, I'm in a good place. I am not naive enough to believe, wow! That's it! Glad THAT'S over. As KayC said, this will continue the rest of my life, with different stages and evolutions. I'm glad that you all are here and that I found this forum - it has been helpful and comforting. I am going to find a grief counselor today and have already signed up for the group session on Thursday. God helps those who help themselves so I have to do my part too if I want Him to do his. Now I'm going to go clean the kitchen and put my hurt and anger into action - always another good method of dealing with them. I've come to the conclusion that my family is never going to change, to forgive them for hurting me, to accept that they were acting in what they thought were best intentions NOT to hurt me (big backfire there) and as Marcel suggested, if they want to get in touch with me, they know where to find me. If the phone doesn't ring, it's me. (I'm a huge Jimmy Buffett fan). I had a mice invasion right before I left for Arkansas and had to empty out two cabinets and still need to clean up that mess - no mice, my brother managed to take care of them, along with the assistance of my cat. Last Tuesday after I got back from Arkansas, I had a six foot rattlesnake in my back yard, one foot from the foundation of my house, right next to my water faucet and hose - it started rattling at my dog Mambo and I thought that the hose had burst, because that's what it sounded like - I went to check on the hose and turn off the water and luckily saw the movement of its tail or I would have reached down almost right on top of it. I called the fire department and they came and got it - even they were amazed at how big it was. I looked up the meaning of seeing or finding a rattlesnake and it turns out that they are a sign of rebirth and recreation and the sacred symbol of the Maya - so I am taking that as a sign from Bob that he was here just saying hi. I'd prefer he show up as a cuddly black puppy, but sometimes I guess we don't get to choose. Thanks again for letting me vent and ramble. I hope your day is filled with peace and love and that you can find something to bring a smile to your face instead of tears to your eyes. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

God helps those who help themselves

Benjamin Franklin wrote this (he's my great-great-great-great-uncle so I've studied about him a lot).    

You are so right, I'm glad you feel better for the time being and your friend was there for you.  Keeping all of those affected by fires and the recent tragedy in prayer, I can't believe how CA has been hit in this last year!  I hope Paradise gets rebuilt, it's just heart wrenching.  

Six foot rattlesnake!  Wow!  There aren't many around here, maybe more in Eastern Oregon.  I wouldn't have even thought of calling the fire department, I probably would have tried to shoot it and gotten struck by it instead.  I'm so used to dealing with things myself that sometimes I forget there's help.  I never knew that about them being a sign of rebirth, that's neat to know and now I'm glad I didn't shoot it!  I had to smile at the wishing he'd have shown up as a cuddly black puppy...but then you'd have probably adopted it. 

I'm glad you're looking for a grief counselor and I hope you get a good fit.  You will do okay, Sunshine, I can tell because of your attitude and positive spirit.  Yes you'll have rough patches and nothing about this journey is easy...the two of you were so close, how could it be easy, any of it.  But you will and are a survivor and you will find your way through this.  And we're here, always.

[Sunshine247]

I'm having a pretty rough time of it this morning. Not sure why. Friends of mine - my Framily - have set up a secret facebook group for me to be able to vent to all of them at once, instead of rehashing it every single time one of them checks on me. I am blessed to be surrounded by so much love. ALL of them have offered to come be here with me and I am going to take my one friend up on it - she owns a bar in Portland, has the time and money to spare, and it won't upset any apple carts in her life as it would for some of the others who would have to take time off from work, spend money that they don't really have to get out here on short notice, and have family and obligations. And I am letting myself cry as much as I want or need to.  Maybe not seeing an email or any kind of message from my mother or either sister is what has upset me today - or maybe having a vivid dream about Bob last night - that we had just started dating and another man called and asked me out and Bob was just heartbroken until I told him that I had turned the other man down because I knew that I wanted to be with him - and that wasn't really a dream, that was reliving real life that happened when we first started dating... I feel him with me and know that he is here. I just wish I could hug him. My song for him was always Me and Bobby McGee - but now even more. I'd give all my tomorrows for one single yesterday, to be holding Bobby's body next to mine. <3

Thanks to all of you for being here. It helps. I am here for you too. 

[Sunflower2]

On ‎11‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 12:21 PM, KayC said:

As for the "anger stage"...I want to point out that Kubler-Ross' book was written for  someone facing their own medical termination, not for those of us experiencing loss due to someone's death.  We are ultra sensitive when we're going through a profound loss, as it calls upon everything within us just to withstand this!  All of the emotions we experience can be in a particular order or not, or simultaneously even when seemingly conflicting emotion...and all of them very valid.  It takes everything within us just to survive.

There have been many adaptions to this and Kublers has also re-iterate her initial intent.   Grief is personal.  There are many different cultures and professionals that find this approach safe and comforting as they process their personal grief.  As a former practicing therapist I do not support the sequence of the stages. I respect and understand and acknowledge that all stages do exist.  Professionally and personally it is not my place to discount any individual or culture who implements Kuber on her initial research. There are many support groups that still implement her format. Grief as you know is personal.  How a person processes and heals is personal. As some individuals use scriptures to heal some people use he Kubler framework to heal.

[KayC]

I never meant to discount anyone, I let the article from a licensed grief specialist speak for itself, but my purpose was in pointing out that the book wasn't intended as A-B-C for grief due to death but for grief due to terminal illness, as I pointed out above, but anyone is welcome to use it any way they want.  You are right that everyone is very unique in their own grief journey and how they traverse it.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

I'm having a pretty rough time of it this morning. Not sure why. Friends of mine - my Framily - have set up a secret facebook group for me to be able to vent to all of them at once, instead of rehashing it every single time one of them checks on me. I am blessed to be surrounded by so much love. ALL of them have offered to come be here with me and I am going to take my one friend up on it - she owns a bar in Portland, has the time and money to spare, and it won't upset any apple carts in her life as it would for some of the others who would have to take time off from work, spend money that they don't really have to get out here on short notice, and have family and obligations. And I am letting myself cry as much as I want or need to.  Maybe not seeing an email or any kind of message from my mother or either sister is what has upset me today - or maybe having a vivid dream about Bob last night - that we had just started dating and another man called and asked me out and Bob was just heartbroken until I told him that I had turned the other man down because I knew that I wanted to be with him - and that wasn't really a dream, that was reliving real life that happened when we first started dating... I feel him with me and know that he is here. I just wish I could hug him. My song for him was always Me and Bobby McGee - but now even more. I'd give all my tomorrows for one single yesterday, to be holding Bobby's body next to mine. <3

Thanks to all of you for being here. It helps. I am here for you too. 

I'm glad you have a friend coming from Portland to be with you.  I hope you have that much needed time together to let down your hair and just have someone caring with you. 

You mention your dream of when you were first dating...just this morning I played Travis Tritt's "Drift off to Dream" and it took me back to when George and I met, how we were just living our lives and finally ran across THE ONE and knew it when we found each other...we bought the porch swing to grow old together on, and then he died before we could.  The tears came as I remembered what we had, all we were to each other...

 

[Sunshine247]

Still nothing from my family - it has been one week now without any of them caring enough to check in on me or see how I am doing. BUT - I have made some progress - instead of sitting here being hurt, I am turning that hurt and anger into action and resolving to stay strong - for Bob - and I know that he is right here with me, just as he has always been, that he still loves me just as he always had and always will and his love will fill me with strength and comfort and that is something that I will always have and that they can NEVER take away from me. As far as I'm concerned, this isn't about right and wrong - this is about me hurting and their treatment of me is completely disrespectful and inconsiderate. As one friend told me - these aren't people that I would CHOOSE to have in my life if they weren't my family, and she is right. But it's a lot easier to say - just cut the ties - than to do it. But I have been going through this at different times for the past thirty years, it's never going to change, and right now, I don't have a whole lot left to lose, so maybe now is the time to just turn and walk away. Play the Joe Walsh song.

I hope you all have a good weekend. Find ONE happy or bright spot in it - it can be anything - a bird, a squirrel, your pet, the weather, a TV show that you enjoy. It might seem impossible to do, but it does help. Sending love and light to all.

[KayC]

You don't necessarily need to cut the ties, that's a lot of stress to put on yourself, but just take a space...maybe a good long space as right now you don't need their "lack" to deal with.  My sisters were caring towards me but of course didn't have a clue what I was going through as they all still have their husbands.  I did have to forgive the sister that refused to take me to the hospital to be with George when he had his heart attack that fateful weekend (I'd ridden with her to our sister's reunion, 4 1/2 hours away from home, not knowing he'd have a heart attack after I left and go into the hospital).  She rewrote history in her mind to make it more palatable to her to live with, but I wouldn't let her.  When I heard her stating her distorted memory, just a few months ago, I set her straight and would not let her rewrite it!  I love her and I've forgiven her, which was big enough for me to do, but to have her try to say I hadn't wanted to go see him?!  No, would not let that rest, I set her straight.  She refused to bring me back because SHE wanted to stay and gamble.

Aren't families complicated?

19 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

I know that he is right here with me, just as he has always been, that he still loves me just as he always had and always will and his love will fill me with strength and comfort and that is something that I will always have and that they can NEVER take away from me.

You are so right.  Nothing has changed except his body gave out...the love that existed before still exists and will continue to!  And when I say nothing has changed, I'm talking about the love...of course it's affected everything about your life.