My dad died im so angry

[Meshele]

My Father died September 21st 2018. He died of cardiac arrest, he went on the back porch and never came back. My son and mother found him dead after he never came back into the house. He was going to come to my house to put a bed together for my daughter that next day and never made it. Even as i type this, i still can’t believe he’s not here. I think of him 1st thing in the morning, all through the day and the last thing at night. I try to remember everything that he’s ever told me, I cry everyday, I took him for granted and I miss him so much that i feel physical pain, like a punch in the stomach or an actual ache...its hard to describe. There’s so much i regret, so many “i wish i would have, i could have”.  He would call me multiple times a day, everyday just to tell me something that was om TV or talk to the kids and i would get annoyed and sometimes not even answer. I would give anything, anything to be able to get another phone call, to talk to him and hug him...to tell him how much i love him. The day he died, i went to my parents house and i walked passed him and barely acknowledged him, he called and i told my daughter to tell him i was busy. The next call i got was at 2:30 in the morning from my mother telling me he was gone. I hate myself so much for being so selfish, for not paying more attention to him. Maybe if i had looked at him that day i may have been able to see if his eyes didn’t look right, or if he looked different. I’m so mad and angry all the time. People find out that he died and they say “at least he didn’t suffer” I wanna say how do you know? How do you know he didn’t lay there in pain and died because he couldn’t yell for help?? I get asked “are you feeling better”? As if i hit my toe or had a stomach ache. I wanna scream NO I DON’T AND I NEVER WILL!! I FEEL  THE EXACT WAY I DID WHEN I FOUND OUT THE MAN I HAVE LOVED SINCE THE DAY WAS BORN IS GONE AND I’LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN! The holidays are coming, this is usually my favorite time of the year, its all about family. I already told my mother i’m no longer celebrating any holidays. My father always cuts the turkey and ham at Thanksgiving and Christmas, how can I celebrate when one of the most important people that i’ll ever know is gone? My parents and my children are all i have in this world (I’m an only child). Men and friends come and go, but my parents and children are the ones that love me unconditionally, now that my father is gone i have developed anxiety about losing my mother and my children. I’ve started drinking to help me sleep. People say in time it will get easier, but for me every day seems to get harder. 

[tessa]

Hi Meshele,
It does get better. It's been only a few weeks for you so the emotions are still very raw. It's a horrible time.
But with time, the emotions soften. My mother has been gone for 15months now. I still miss her terribly but I can function now.
It does get less horrible with time.
You have to have Thanks Giving. You have to have Christmas. You have to for "Your Mother". You have to take over your father's job and cut the turkey "for your mother".
I too felt regret at not having spent more time with my father. After he died, I made it my top priority to look after my mother, to not make the same mistake I made with father.
Your mother needs you now.
I'm sorry for your loss.

[Meshele]

Thank you Tessa. I have had those same thoughts go through my head, to not miss out on time and memories with my mom while being depressed about my dad. But how do I celebrate without him? I almost feel like im betraying him by celebrating and he’s not there.  The first time i went into a store after he died i broke down crying when i saw all of the mens clothes and shoes and gift ideas. I know people say life goes on, and this becomes the new normal but how? I literally wake up mad that I didn’t die the night before.  I know i have my mom and my kids to look after but that’s even hard. My mother is 5 minutes away from me and i see her almost everyday, before i go to work and on my way home. To go into their house is hard, i still expect to see him sitting in the living room on his weight bench or telling me to watch something.  He was 71 and was always active, rode his bike, lift weights everyday, walked the treadmill. His dying is still a shock, i go into my parents room and his ashes are there. Like my father who was tall and strong is now in this box and I just can’t even look at it. Thank you again for your reply. I don’t really have anyone to talk to, its almost as if people are annoyed your not “over it” 

[Anon]

Hi,

Couldnt help but respond to your post.

My dad passed away the day before 20/09/2018 and he too was 71.

I was extremely close to my pops as being the only one there for him. My mother left when I was 8 so he was alone when he passed away from a stroke. It happened during the day whilst I was at work, only found out about half ten at night when we decided to go check on him as he wasn’t texting me back.

At age 29 I arranged his funeral, closed his accounts sorted his will and estate out amongst other things. As he lived alone I have had to start the process of emptying his home.

Maybe because I have been so busy with everything I haven’t had time to grieve or think yet, but the crying has got shorter and the days sometimes pass without me thinking sad thoughts and I remember him with a smile instead.

In my eyes he will always be with me in my heart and yours will too. You know what is getting you through each day? Your dad...he’s with you in your heart telling you silently to carry on...willing you to wake up each day and keep going. Life won’t be the same your 100% right but you will find (and I know you have probably been told this) it will get easier. That used to make me so mad hearing that word “easier” I used to snap and mentally imagine punching whoever said it! But it is true...you won’t see it now. But it will. I’m here if you ever need to chat

 

[Meshele]

Thank you Anon for taking the time to read my post. I too called my father Pops my kids called him Papa. I’m so sorry for your loss as well. I wasn’t able to help my mother make arrangements cause it was too much for me. For her as well, but she and my kids are strong for me instead of the other way around. Some days are easier than others, one day i will wake up and look at his pictures or my kids will tell a funny story about things he used to say or do and i can laugh. Then other days i can be driving and its like that physical pain comes back and punches me again and i spend the day crying . Just to hear his name I’m in a dark hole again, I can’t look at his pictures and to think about him at all is the worst pain. I miss him so much, oh what i would do to hear him laugh again and to hug him again...i would give anything, do anything. At his funeral I couldn’t stop touching his hands because they felt just like they did in life. I know that with life comes death, its the only thing that’s guaranteed, But i thought i would have more time. I never looked at him as an old man, i had been thinking how would i take care of him and my mom as they got “old” and now he’s gone just like that?!  

[Anon]

Oh I totally get where your coming from with the not seeing your pops as an older gentleman. I always thought of my dad in his mid 50’s not 71! I often thought about my dad the same when he got old and was unable to live independently how would I work and look after him because I certainly wouldn’t of had him in a home.

i can look at photos etc and smile it almost takes me back to those times. One day you will be able to do the same. It is strange how grief affects people in different ways and different stages of it are not in order for everyone. 

We have just finished another day of packing up his home, we donated most of his furniture to a place that helps to set up homeless people. It was sad to see strangers dismantling his furniture and just taking them out the door but it had to be done. Looking around the home at rooms almost empty did bring it home and I felt the pain you mentioned when you are driving. I have had to have a glass or two of alcohol tonight! 

I never saw my pops in the chapel of rest, I didn’t see him the night we discovered he had passed. I sat in the hall whilst he was in the living room...I couldn’t bring myself to see my dad in such a vulnerable position and with the life gone from him. I don’t know if I will regret this, however I do believe that we make those decisions for the right reasons at that particular time. 

Please never ever think you are alone or what you are feeling or thinking is not normal. It’s normal for you, and you take ALL the time to cry or be sad this was your father! Someone who has been a constant figure in your life and it’s all you have ever know in a way..for him to be there.  I’m always here if you need a chat.

i am currently writing a sort of diary journal about my dads death, it helps to just type a few paragraphs a day to clear your mind because you can talk all you want to people but to put it down on paper or a laptop it doesn’t seem like it’s going in one ear and out the other with some people you are talking to...it’s there in black and white forever when you feel the need to revisit it.

xxx

 

 

[Meshele]

I saw my dad as a 50 year old as well not at all someone that was 71. He had helped me move and was mad that i wanted to hire movers “why waste money when im right here” he said. So me, him and my son moved all my furniture and never a complaint. When he died my mom and my son found him on the back porch and by the time i had gotten there the paramedics had already pronounced him and police where there. But they wouldnt let me see him, at least 5 police officers holding me back and blocking me. Even as i write this i feel anger at them and myself because i should have forced my way past them. One of the police officers told me if i were his daughter he wouldnt want me to see him that way.  You said you feel we make thise decisions for the right reasons at the particular time, maybe it is better that i didnt see him in that state, so that it doesn’t haunt me the way it does my mother and my son. Both of our fathers were called “Pop” both 71 and both died alone. Maybe i will start writing as well, like you said talking to people isn’t the same talking to people who really don’t want to hear about it anymore. People mean well but no one can ever really understand how you feel and like you said in one ear and out the other. Thank you for the diary idea and the eyes.